Title: My Immortal
Author: Chrys
E-mail: irish_martyr@yahoogroups.com
Pairings: SonicxShadow
Warnings: ANGST. Oozing of it.
Comments: ... yes, it's out of my system. Thank God. ... only... I now have the insane urge to write some Shadow angst. God help me. Oh, and the lyrics to My Immortal are copyright Evanescence.
//my immortal
i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone//
The moment he fell, the moment I drew my first breath after losing him, I felt a part of my heart die. There was a piercing, stabbing sensation in my chest, and it gripped me, drained me. I could feel the back of my eyes burning, my throat tightening and closing, and all at once I was defeated. My shoulders fell, my muscles loosened, and I simply ceased to feel. That was three years ago, and my heart has not recovered.
I see you in the little things, little brushes with my past that stir memories and a smile. I could swear that I hear your voice when I'm alone, I can see your intense eyes raking over me, the way your lips curve into a half smirk as you approach me, the rest of the world fading into nothing as your lips take mine and I am lost. And then roughly, harshly I am brought back to reality, to the knowledge that you are gone, that you belong to her once more in spirit, that I can never touch you again as I need to, as I want to.
It is with a heavy weight in my heart that I begin each day, going through the motions of a normal life, feeling the loss each time I cross the carpet to my livingroom. We shared so much, we were so much a part of eachother, that I feel incomplete without you. You made me whole. You made me the man I am.
Without you, I am nothing.
//these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase//
Everyone tries to help me, they try to ease my pain, but it does not help. Whenever I come across a place you were, a fond, bittersweet memory, my wounds seem fresh still, and they ache. I ache for you. I will always ache for you. There will be no other in my life, no one can fill the void your death ripped through me. I will be alone until the day we meet again.
Because I love you.
//when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me//
You and I... we were enemies once. Enemies fighting for a common goal, for people we loved, with all our hearts and soul. You dark, dangerous edge excited me, attracted me. I still don't know what drew you to me, but we found eachother, and for that I will be eternally grateful. I would not trade those months for anything.
We became two parts of a whole, one unable to function without the other. When I felt on the verge of insanity, when everything became too much, your steady arms were there to catch me, your tender eyes would captivate me with that expression you gave no one else... you were all of me. I always assumed I was the weaker one, forever to depend on you...
But you surprised me. You gave me your soul, its depth and feeling, and chose me when you broke down. You came to me with night masking you, years of unshed emotion running down your face, and fell into me. You confided in me, trusted in me, and I loved you. I loved you for that. I held you and gave you everything that I was, I cradled you like a child, and brought you back. Back to me.
It was unspoke between us... we knew that the other would always be there; no, depended on it. You were my lifeline, my anchor, and I yours. I would be strong for you when you could not be. I was there for you, as you were there for me... always... until then.
I could not save you. I was not strong enough. Your life, so fragile, slipped past my outstretched fingers. Peace finally settled on you, you were able to let go of everything. You passed into death so suddenly, I had no time to prepare. I had no time... to let go.
//you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me//
I am a shell of a man. Hollow, a vessel without course, I drift through life with no purpose. I see you in every hall, room and mirror; when I look into my own eyes, so lifeless and dull, they fade into yours. And my regret pours out of me, that I can never behold you face again, never stroke your cheek, never love you.
I cannot escape my fate even in dreams...
//these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase//
I am half-crazed with my grief some days; our friends worry, but they say nothing. What can they say? There is no way to recover what has been lost, no tonic to heal my wounds. I destroy everything in my sight, shatter glass and ceramic, cutting myself, bleeding. But my pain is never overwhelmed, this aching blackness in my chest will never close.
As I stumble through existence, my behavior is erratic, difficult to predict. Often after an episode I become sullen, listless, refusing to perform even the simplest of tasks to keep myself alive. Why should I breathe when you do not? Why should my leaden heart beat when it hurts so much?
//when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me//
There is nothing of you left for me but my memories; I have nothing to hold on to but fragile, fleeting glimpses of our past. It is not enough. I cannot live off the past and memories. There is no future for a man caught in days past... I have no future...
//i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
i've been alone all along//
I am chained to you, unable to move on because of your memory. You are gone, I know this, but I can't seem to forget. I'll live, only because you would have hated me for dying because of you, and I'll continue to risk myself for the good of people. But I am dead inside. I am alone, and I wait for the day that death's dark embrace will take me.
I wait... with open arms.