Disclaimer: I do not own or otherwise have any right, title, or interest
in Gundam Wing or Monty Python and the Holy Grail. This story is not being
used for any commercial purposes. But otherwise, this parody is owned by
me as an unregistered copyright.
A large stone castle sat on the top of a quiet, peaceful hill. The silence was disturbed by a loud, clapping sounds in the tempo of a trotting horse's hoofbeat. After a few moments, a young woman, with sandy blond hair appeared with two men. A tall, distinguished, elderly gentleman on her left, and a young man with messy brown hair and penetrating blue eyes, dressed in a green tank top and spandex shorts.
"It is I, Queen Relena, from the Sanq Kingdom. Queen of the World. Defeater of OZ and the stalker of young men," the young woman announced in an imperious tone. "And with me, is my trusty servant Pagan, and my knight Sir Heero in Shining Spandex."
The two soldiers at the top of the guard tower squinted at her.
"What do you want?" the first soldier queried.
Relena took in a deep breath and bellowed out loudly, "We have ridden the length and breadth of the lands in search of Gundam knights who will join me in my court at Sanq. I must speak with your lord and master."
"What? Ridden on a horse?"
"Yes," Relena proclaimed loudly.
The first soldier looked more carefully. "But you're using coconuts!" he protested.
Relena looked down at the pair of empty coconut halves in her hands. Heero and Pagan pretended to look away.
"You've got two empty coconut shells and you're just banging them together to make it sound like a horse!" the first soldier explained. He turned to the second soldier. "Get a load of this, Alex, this here girl thinks she's riding on a horse when she's just banging coconuts!"
The second soldier, named Alex, peered over the castle walls. The soldier named Alex asked, "You're right, Mueller. Where in the hell did she get coconuts?"
"I found them," Relena told them proudly.
"Found them? We're in northern Europe. The coconut is tropical!" exclaimed a shocked Alex.
"What do you mean?" Relena queried, somewhat irritated by the two guards. Heero and Pagan exchanged looks and sighed quietly.
"Well, this is a temperate zone, the coconut is not native to these lands," Mueller stated simply.
Relena furrowed her brows and thought about this for a moment. "Indeed, but, perhaps a swallow may have flown south in the winter and perhaps brought it back on its flight in the spring. It could grip it by the husk."
"What? A swallow carrying a coconut?" Alex gasped in utter shock
"No, no!" ranted a frustrated Mueller. "It's not possible for a swallow to carry a coconut. It's a simple question of weight ratios. A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut. Listen, in order to maintain air- speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right? So that means..."
Relena shrieked in exasperation. "I just want to talk to your lord!"
Alex turned to Mueller and tapped him on the shoulder.
"It could be carried by an African swallow," he pointed out to Mueller.
"Hmm...perhaps, but I didn't think the African swallows were migratory," Mueller mused thoughtfully.
Relena rolled her eyes in exasperation and turned to Heero and Pagan, who were quietly making out a diagram and drawing up some quick equations with respect to certain ratios.
"Let's go!" Relena snapped irritably and stomped off, throwing her coconuts behind her. Alex and Mueller continued their heated discussion as to possibility of coconut bearing swallows.
Heero and Pagan shrugged, and quietly followed her.
Relena, Heero and Pagan traveled on foot for another day until they reached another castle. Relena noticed a dirty figure with a long braid, working in the fields.
"Excuse me, woman..." began Relena.
The figure working in the field whipped around and glared at her with flashing lavender eyes.
"I'm not a woman," the figure growled in a low voice. "I'm a man!"
"Woman, man, whatever," Relena brushed off the other casually. "What knight lives in that castle over there?"
The figure snorted in irritation.
"Well, you could call me by my name, which is Duo!" the figure told her. "Or at the very least call me Shinigami!"
"Well, I didn't know you were called `Duo'," Relena explained angrily. "As I was asking before..."
"Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?" he interrupted her quickly.
"Look, I did say I was sorry about the `woman' part, but from behind you looked..." began Relena.
"What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!" he snapped.
"Well, I am Queen," Relena replied defensively.
"Oh...Queen, I see. Very nice. And exactly what did you do to get that title?" Duo sneered. "By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated, imperialist dogma that perpetuates the economic and social stratification in our society. The inherent contradictions of your oppression will be brought to light by virtue of the dialectic materialism as explained by..."
"Hello, Duo!" chirped a short, young girl in a brown dress, who walked by. "Lovely bit of filth you seem to have gotten yourself into!"
"Hello, miss," Relena interrupted.
The girl looked over at Relena. "My name is Hilde. May I help you?"
"Yes," Relena smiled politely. She failed to notice that Heero had casually strolled over to Duo and was quietly looking him over. "I am Queen Relena. Queen of the World. Could you tell me who is the lord of that castle over there?"
"Queen of the what?" inquired Hilde.
"Queen of the world," Relena replied annoyed. "That means I am your ruler."
"Really?" Hilde blinked. "I didn't know we had a Queen. I thought we were an autonomous collective."
Duo glared at Hilde. "You're fooling yourself, Hilde, babe. We're living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working class..."
"There you go again!" Hilde cried out. "That's all I ever hear about. Working class this, working class that. You would think the proletariat are more important than me!"
"Never, babe," purred Duo in an exaggeratedly seductive voice. "I could stir up a little revolution tonight if you'd like."
Relena cleared her throat. This conversation was clearly getting away from her.
"Please, please, good peasants! I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?!" Relena pleaded.
Hilde turned to look at Relena as if the girl was insane. "No one lives there. We don't have a lord."
"You don't have a lord? That's impossible..."
"As Hilde was about to tell you, we're a commune," Duo smirked. "In fact, to be precise, we're actually an anarcho-syndicalist commune. Individual members of the village take turns to act as sort of an executive officer for the week. But all the decisions of that officer must be ratified by a special bi-weekly meeting through a simple majority for purely ministerial affairs. However, we require a two-thirds majority for more important affairs."
Relena sighed in exasperation. "Fine! Fine! Who is your...so called `executive officer' this week?" she asked in a defeated tone.
Duo grinned evilly. "I am!"
"Well, executive officer Duo, we need knights to join my pacifist kingdom to ensure that the world will be at peace. Would you please care to join us?"
"Do I get fed?" he asked eagerly.
"Yes."
"Can I sleep with him too?" he asked suggestively, leering at Heero.
"No!" Relena cried out. "He's mine."
Heero cringed slightly at Relena's words. He hurriedly hid behind Pagan.
"Hmph! I at least want a title!" Duo demanded.
Relena glanced from Heero to Duo. "Well, since I sometimes call Heero `Number One', I guess I can call you `Number Two'."
Duo shrugged. "Sure, why not. I'm tired of working these fields anyhow. Besides, I have to keep an eye on you imperialists to make sure you don't take advantage of the working class. Hilde, I hereby resign and the village will have to elect another leader. For my last action as executive officer, I appoint you as interim leader."
Hilde clapped her hands happily.
"Come on, Number One, Number Two, and Pagan," Relena sighed wearily. "We must proceed to the next castle."
As they were walking down the road towards the next castle, Duo turned to look at Relena.
"So why do you think you're Queen of the World?" he asked in a curious voice.
Relena's eyes misted over.
"Well, it began a month ago. I was getting ready for my bath sprinkled with rose petals, and then there was this strange humming sound. I turned to look over to my bathtub, and I saw a sword being held by an outstretched hand in my bathtub. It was the legendary Lady Une of the Bathtub! She told me to take the sword Excalibur and proclaimed me Queen of the World."
Duo's eyes narrowed. He choked, "What?! You're telling me some strange woman, lying at the bottom of a bathtub, distributing swords, is a basis for a system of government? Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not some farcical, aquatic ceremony!"
"Be quiet!" Relena yelled at the braided young man.
"But you can't expect to wield supreme executive power, just because some watery tart threw a sword at you?!" Duo argued.
"Shut up! Enough!" Relena cried out.
"I mean, if I went around saying I was king just because some moistened whacko lobbed a blade at me, they'd put me away and throw away the keys!" Duo shouted. He suddenly stopped to reflect on what he had just revealed. "Oh wait, they've done that to me before, haven't they?"
"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" Relena was on the verge of tears. "Shut up before I make Heero whack you!"
"Ah-ha!" Duo pointed his finger at her. "We now see the violence inherent in your imperialistic system!"
"Shut up!" Relena repeated angrily.
"Everyone! Come and see the violence inherent in the system. Help! Help! I'm being repressed! I'm being kept down by the Man!"
Heero whacked Duo on the head. For good measure, he also smacked Relena on the back of the head as well. The two recipients of Heero's irritated blows quieted down.
They traveled in silence until they reached a village outside of the next castle. The village was near a large river, and a large mass was crowing near the docks. Relena and her entourage quickly hurried over to watch the spectacle.
A slender young man with a tight pony-tail and dark, brooding eyes was standing on a large make shift platform. In front of him, was a woman with long blond hair and frightening, fork-like eyebrows.
The crowd around the two were chanting: "A witch! A witch! A witch! We've found a witch! A witch! A witch!"
One of the villagers raised his hands and the crowd was silenced.
"My lord Wufei," the villager addressed the young man with the pony-tail, "we have found a witch. May we burn her?"
The crowd cheered. "Burn her! Burn her!"
Wufei frowned skeptically. "How do you know this onna is a witch?"
Another villager piped out, "She looks like one!"
"I am not a witch!" protested the blond haired woman angrily. Her poisonous stare made many of the villagers take an involuntary step backwards. "My name is Dorothy and I am not a witch!"
Wufei looked at her carefully. She was wearing a large, black dress and a pointed, black hat. A long, fake nose was perched precariously on her face.
"Uhhh, you are dressed as one," Wufei pointed out to her.
"Those oafs dressed me up like this! And this isn't my nose, it's a false one!"
Wufei glared at the crowd and tapped his feet impatiently. "Well?"
The villagers looked at each other. Finally, the first villager spoke up. "Well, we did do the nose."
"And the clothes," added another villager.
"Hmm, I see," Wufei murmured thoughtfully. "So why did you think she's a witch?"
"She's got unholy eyebrows!" shouted one of the villagers in the back.
"And she turned me into a newt!" cried out another villager in the front.
Wufei turned to look at the man. The villager seemed normal enough.
The villager, as if reading Wufei's thoughts, quickly added, "She did turn me into a newt. But I'm feeling much better now."
"Burn her anyway!" cried out another mysterious voice from the crowd.
The crowd did the "Wave" and continued to chant: "Burn her! Burn her! Burn her!"
"Quiet, good people!" called out Wufei. "There are ways of telling whether this onna is a witch. Tell me, what do you do with witches?"
"Burn them!" answered someone in the crowd. The villagers continued their chant: "Burn her! Burn her! Burn, baby, burn!"
"And what else burns, besides witches?" Wufei asked the crowd.
The crowd looked at each other in confusion. Eventually, a lone voice from the back cried out, "Wood!"
Wufei nodded. "So why do witches burn?"
The same hesitant voice spoke out. "Because...they're...made of...wood?"
"Good!" Wufei smiled. The crowd cheered in appreciation of the logic. Wufei continued, "So how can we tell whether she is made of wood?"
"Build a bridge out of her?" asked one of the villagers in the front.
Wufei shook his head. "But can you not also make a bridge out of stone?"
"True, true," the villager agreed. There was a collective murmuring of confusion.
Wufei decided to help the villagers out. "Does wood sink in water?" he asked slowly.
"No?" a villager asserted nervously.
"No! It floats!" exclaimed another villager. The crowd collectively screamed out, "Throw her into the river!"
Wufei sighed. "What else floats in water?"
There were all sorts of answers. "Bread!" "Apples!" "Dung!"
Suddenly, Relena felt compelled to join this conversation.
"A duck!" she declared in a loud voice. The crowd turned to look at her in amazement and gasped collectively at her miraculous insight.
Wufei paused and turned to look at Relena carefully. Wufei then nodded. "Exactly, so logically, if she weighs the same as a duck..."
"...she's made out of wood!" one of the villagers concluded.
Wufei nodded happily. "And therefore..."
"Here's a duck!" cried out one of the villagers. She scrambled out to the front with a poor, hapless mallard duck in her hands. "Use my duck!"
"We shall use my largest scales!" Wufei announced in a grand voice. He dragged Dorothy and the duck to a set of massive scales nearby. He promptly tossed her onto one end of the scales. He carefully put the duck on the other end of the scale. Mysteriously, the scale balanced, but perhaps no one took notice of the fact that Wufei had thoughtlessly been standing on the scale with the duck.
The crowd cried out in glee. "She's a witch! Burn her! Burn her!"
Wufei smiled and took the duck off the scale and returned it to the woman who had provided the duck. He began to walk away, allowing the villagers to seize Dorothy.
Relena pushed her way through the crowd and grabbed Wufei by the arms.
"Good sir," she gasped. "Who are you? You are so wise in the ways of science!"
"I am Sir Wufei," he smirked. "Pray tell, who art thou, my lady?"
"I am Queen Relena," she proclaimed in happy tone. "Good Sir Knight, will you come with me to the Sanq kingdom and join us at my Oval Table in my Oval Office?"
Wufei's eyes widened as he was clearly impressed. He bowed deeply. "I would be deeply honored."
A large stone castle sat on the top of a quiet, peaceful hill. The silence was disturbed by a loud, clapping sounds in the tempo of a trotting horse's hoofbeat. After a few moments, a young woman, with sandy blond hair appeared with two men. A tall, distinguished, elderly gentleman on her left, and a young man with messy brown hair and penetrating blue eyes, dressed in a green tank top and spandex shorts.
"It is I, Queen Relena, from the Sanq Kingdom. Queen of the World. Defeater of OZ and the stalker of young men," the young woman announced in an imperious tone. "And with me, is my trusty servant Pagan, and my knight Sir Heero in Shining Spandex."
The two soldiers at the top of the guard tower squinted at her.
"What do you want?" the first soldier queried.
Relena took in a deep breath and bellowed out loudly, "We have ridden the length and breadth of the lands in search of Gundam knights who will join me in my court at Sanq. I must speak with your lord and master."
"What? Ridden on a horse?"
"Yes," Relena proclaimed loudly.
The first soldier looked more carefully. "But you're using coconuts!" he protested.
Relena looked down at the pair of empty coconut halves in her hands. Heero and Pagan pretended to look away.
"You've got two empty coconut shells and you're just banging them together to make it sound like a horse!" the first soldier explained. He turned to the second soldier. "Get a load of this, Alex, this here girl thinks she's riding on a horse when she's just banging coconuts!"
The second soldier, named Alex, peered over the castle walls. The soldier named Alex asked, "You're right, Mueller. Where in the hell did she get coconuts?"
"I found them," Relena told them proudly.
"Found them? We're in northern Europe. The coconut is tropical!" exclaimed a shocked Alex.
"What do you mean?" Relena queried, somewhat irritated by the two guards. Heero and Pagan exchanged looks and sighed quietly.
"Well, this is a temperate zone, the coconut is not native to these lands," Mueller stated simply.
Relena furrowed her brows and thought about this for a moment. "Indeed, but, perhaps a swallow may have flown south in the winter and perhaps brought it back on its flight in the spring. It could grip it by the husk."
"What? A swallow carrying a coconut?" Alex gasped in utter shock
"No, no!" ranted a frustrated Mueller. "It's not possible for a swallow to carry a coconut. It's a simple question of weight ratios. A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut. Listen, in order to maintain air- speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right? So that means..."
Relena shrieked in exasperation. "I just want to talk to your lord!"
Alex turned to Mueller and tapped him on the shoulder.
"It could be carried by an African swallow," he pointed out to Mueller.
"Hmm...perhaps, but I didn't think the African swallows were migratory," Mueller mused thoughtfully.
Relena rolled her eyes in exasperation and turned to Heero and Pagan, who were quietly making out a diagram and drawing up some quick equations with respect to certain ratios.
"Let's go!" Relena snapped irritably and stomped off, throwing her coconuts behind her. Alex and Mueller continued their heated discussion as to possibility of coconut bearing swallows.
Heero and Pagan shrugged, and quietly followed her.
Relena, Heero and Pagan traveled on foot for another day until they reached another castle. Relena noticed a dirty figure with a long braid, working in the fields.
"Excuse me, woman..." began Relena.
The figure working in the field whipped around and glared at her with flashing lavender eyes.
"I'm not a woman," the figure growled in a low voice. "I'm a man!"
"Woman, man, whatever," Relena brushed off the other casually. "What knight lives in that castle over there?"
The figure snorted in irritation.
"Well, you could call me by my name, which is Duo!" the figure told her. "Or at the very least call me Shinigami!"
"Well, I didn't know you were called `Duo'," Relena explained angrily. "As I was asking before..."
"Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?" he interrupted her quickly.
"Look, I did say I was sorry about the `woman' part, but from behind you looked..." began Relena.
"What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!" he snapped.
"Well, I am Queen," Relena replied defensively.
"Oh...Queen, I see. Very nice. And exactly what did you do to get that title?" Duo sneered. "By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated, imperialist dogma that perpetuates the economic and social stratification in our society. The inherent contradictions of your oppression will be brought to light by virtue of the dialectic materialism as explained by..."
"Hello, Duo!" chirped a short, young girl in a brown dress, who walked by. "Lovely bit of filth you seem to have gotten yourself into!"
"Hello, miss," Relena interrupted.
The girl looked over at Relena. "My name is Hilde. May I help you?"
"Yes," Relena smiled politely. She failed to notice that Heero had casually strolled over to Duo and was quietly looking him over. "I am Queen Relena. Queen of the World. Could you tell me who is the lord of that castle over there?"
"Queen of the what?" inquired Hilde.
"Queen of the world," Relena replied annoyed. "That means I am your ruler."
"Really?" Hilde blinked. "I didn't know we had a Queen. I thought we were an autonomous collective."
Duo glared at Hilde. "You're fooling yourself, Hilde, babe. We're living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working class..."
"There you go again!" Hilde cried out. "That's all I ever hear about. Working class this, working class that. You would think the proletariat are more important than me!"
"Never, babe," purred Duo in an exaggeratedly seductive voice. "I could stir up a little revolution tonight if you'd like."
Relena cleared her throat. This conversation was clearly getting away from her.
"Please, please, good peasants! I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?!" Relena pleaded.
Hilde turned to look at Relena as if the girl was insane. "No one lives there. We don't have a lord."
"You don't have a lord? That's impossible..."
"As Hilde was about to tell you, we're a commune," Duo smirked. "In fact, to be precise, we're actually an anarcho-syndicalist commune. Individual members of the village take turns to act as sort of an executive officer for the week. But all the decisions of that officer must be ratified by a special bi-weekly meeting through a simple majority for purely ministerial affairs. However, we require a two-thirds majority for more important affairs."
Relena sighed in exasperation. "Fine! Fine! Who is your...so called `executive officer' this week?" she asked in a defeated tone.
Duo grinned evilly. "I am!"
"Well, executive officer Duo, we need knights to join my pacifist kingdom to ensure that the world will be at peace. Would you please care to join us?"
"Do I get fed?" he asked eagerly.
"Yes."
"Can I sleep with him too?" he asked suggestively, leering at Heero.
"No!" Relena cried out. "He's mine."
Heero cringed slightly at Relena's words. He hurriedly hid behind Pagan.
"Hmph! I at least want a title!" Duo demanded.
Relena glanced from Heero to Duo. "Well, since I sometimes call Heero `Number One', I guess I can call you `Number Two'."
Duo shrugged. "Sure, why not. I'm tired of working these fields anyhow. Besides, I have to keep an eye on you imperialists to make sure you don't take advantage of the working class. Hilde, I hereby resign and the village will have to elect another leader. For my last action as executive officer, I appoint you as interim leader."
Hilde clapped her hands happily.
"Come on, Number One, Number Two, and Pagan," Relena sighed wearily. "We must proceed to the next castle."
As they were walking down the road towards the next castle, Duo turned to look at Relena.
"So why do you think you're Queen of the World?" he asked in a curious voice.
Relena's eyes misted over.
"Well, it began a month ago. I was getting ready for my bath sprinkled with rose petals, and then there was this strange humming sound. I turned to look over to my bathtub, and I saw a sword being held by an outstretched hand in my bathtub. It was the legendary Lady Une of the Bathtub! She told me to take the sword Excalibur and proclaimed me Queen of the World."
Duo's eyes narrowed. He choked, "What?! You're telling me some strange woman, lying at the bottom of a bathtub, distributing swords, is a basis for a system of government? Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not some farcical, aquatic ceremony!"
"Be quiet!" Relena yelled at the braided young man.
"But you can't expect to wield supreme executive power, just because some watery tart threw a sword at you?!" Duo argued.
"Shut up! Enough!" Relena cried out.
"I mean, if I went around saying I was king just because some moistened whacko lobbed a blade at me, they'd put me away and throw away the keys!" Duo shouted. He suddenly stopped to reflect on what he had just revealed. "Oh wait, they've done that to me before, haven't they?"
"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" Relena was on the verge of tears. "Shut up before I make Heero whack you!"
"Ah-ha!" Duo pointed his finger at her. "We now see the violence inherent in your imperialistic system!"
"Shut up!" Relena repeated angrily.
"Everyone! Come and see the violence inherent in the system. Help! Help! I'm being repressed! I'm being kept down by the Man!"
Heero whacked Duo on the head. For good measure, he also smacked Relena on the back of the head as well. The two recipients of Heero's irritated blows quieted down.
They traveled in silence until they reached a village outside of the next castle. The village was near a large river, and a large mass was crowing near the docks. Relena and her entourage quickly hurried over to watch the spectacle.
A slender young man with a tight pony-tail and dark, brooding eyes was standing on a large make shift platform. In front of him, was a woman with long blond hair and frightening, fork-like eyebrows.
The crowd around the two were chanting: "A witch! A witch! A witch! We've found a witch! A witch! A witch!"
One of the villagers raised his hands and the crowd was silenced.
"My lord Wufei," the villager addressed the young man with the pony-tail, "we have found a witch. May we burn her?"
The crowd cheered. "Burn her! Burn her!"
Wufei frowned skeptically. "How do you know this onna is a witch?"
Another villager piped out, "She looks like one!"
"I am not a witch!" protested the blond haired woman angrily. Her poisonous stare made many of the villagers take an involuntary step backwards. "My name is Dorothy and I am not a witch!"
Wufei looked at her carefully. She was wearing a large, black dress and a pointed, black hat. A long, fake nose was perched precariously on her face.
"Uhhh, you are dressed as one," Wufei pointed out to her.
"Those oafs dressed me up like this! And this isn't my nose, it's a false one!"
Wufei glared at the crowd and tapped his feet impatiently. "Well?"
The villagers looked at each other. Finally, the first villager spoke up. "Well, we did do the nose."
"And the clothes," added another villager.
"Hmm, I see," Wufei murmured thoughtfully. "So why did you think she's a witch?"
"She's got unholy eyebrows!" shouted one of the villagers in the back.
"And she turned me into a newt!" cried out another villager in the front.
Wufei turned to look at the man. The villager seemed normal enough.
The villager, as if reading Wufei's thoughts, quickly added, "She did turn me into a newt. But I'm feeling much better now."
"Burn her anyway!" cried out another mysterious voice from the crowd.
The crowd did the "Wave" and continued to chant: "Burn her! Burn her! Burn her!"
"Quiet, good people!" called out Wufei. "There are ways of telling whether this onna is a witch. Tell me, what do you do with witches?"
"Burn them!" answered someone in the crowd. The villagers continued their chant: "Burn her! Burn her! Burn, baby, burn!"
"And what else burns, besides witches?" Wufei asked the crowd.
The crowd looked at each other in confusion. Eventually, a lone voice from the back cried out, "Wood!"
Wufei nodded. "So why do witches burn?"
The same hesitant voice spoke out. "Because...they're...made of...wood?"
"Good!" Wufei smiled. The crowd cheered in appreciation of the logic. Wufei continued, "So how can we tell whether she is made of wood?"
"Build a bridge out of her?" asked one of the villagers in the front.
Wufei shook his head. "But can you not also make a bridge out of stone?"
"True, true," the villager agreed. There was a collective murmuring of confusion.
Wufei decided to help the villagers out. "Does wood sink in water?" he asked slowly.
"No?" a villager asserted nervously.
"No! It floats!" exclaimed another villager. The crowd collectively screamed out, "Throw her into the river!"
Wufei sighed. "What else floats in water?"
There were all sorts of answers. "Bread!" "Apples!" "Dung!"
Suddenly, Relena felt compelled to join this conversation.
"A duck!" she declared in a loud voice. The crowd turned to look at her in amazement and gasped collectively at her miraculous insight.
Wufei paused and turned to look at Relena carefully. Wufei then nodded. "Exactly, so logically, if she weighs the same as a duck..."
"...she's made out of wood!" one of the villagers concluded.
Wufei nodded happily. "And therefore..."
"Here's a duck!" cried out one of the villagers. She scrambled out to the front with a poor, hapless mallard duck in her hands. "Use my duck!"
"We shall use my largest scales!" Wufei announced in a grand voice. He dragged Dorothy and the duck to a set of massive scales nearby. He promptly tossed her onto one end of the scales. He carefully put the duck on the other end of the scale. Mysteriously, the scale balanced, but perhaps no one took notice of the fact that Wufei had thoughtlessly been standing on the scale with the duck.
The crowd cried out in glee. "She's a witch! Burn her! Burn her!"
Wufei smiled and took the duck off the scale and returned it to the woman who had provided the duck. He began to walk away, allowing the villagers to seize Dorothy.
Relena pushed her way through the crowd and grabbed Wufei by the arms.
"Good sir," she gasped. "Who are you? You are so wise in the ways of science!"
"I am Sir Wufei," he smirked. "Pray tell, who art thou, my lady?"
"I am Queen Relena," she proclaimed in happy tone. "Good Sir Knight, will you come with me to the Sanq kingdom and join us at my Oval Table in my Oval Office?"
Wufei's eyes widened as he was clearly impressed. He bowed deeply. "I would be deeply honored."