Disclaimer: I do not own or have any right, title, or interest in Gundam
Wing or Monty Python and the Holy Grail. This story is not being used for
any commercial purposes. But otherwise, this parody is owned by me as an
unregistered copyright.
Relena and her entourage proceeded east to the next village. Unfortunately, the next village was across a large expanse of desert. Grimly, the weary travelers made their way through the blistering desert.
Eventually, Relena, Heero, Duo, Wufei and Pagan came across a large band of armed men in the desert. Unperturbed, Relena led the way to greet these men. As they drew closer, they noticed that most of imposing looking figures were large burly men, except for their leader. Their leader appeared to be a young looking man with blond hair and blue eyes.
The armed men were also jumping around excitedly when they noticed Relena and her group approach.
"Who are you?" demanded Relena of the young blond man.
"My name is Quatre, and these are my loyal servants, the Maguanacs Who Say `Ni'!" he told her politely.
Relena's jaw dropped in shock and fear.
"No! Not the Maguanacs Who Say `Ni'!" she gasped in terror.
"The same!" Quatre told her proudly.
Wufei furrowed his brow in confusion. He looked carefully at the young, blond man. He did not appear particularly intimidating. "Who are you people?"
"We are the keepers of the sacred words: `Ni', `Peng', and `Neee-wom'!" Quatre informed him in a slightly petulant voice.
"Those who hear them seldom have lived to tell the tale," Relena whispered quietly to her knights.
Quatre looked carefully at Relena and her knights and her elderly servant. The young blonde man rubbed his chin thoughtfully.
"The Maguanacs Who Say `Ni'! demand a sacrifice!" Quatre announced.
"But Maguanacs of Ni, we are simple travelers who seek knights to join my peaceful Oval Table in the Kingdom of Sanq," Relena attempted to explain. "My name is Queen Relena. We merely wish to cross to find the lord."
Quatre gave his men a stern look. His men understood the command and quickly surrounded Relena and her band.
"Ni! Ni! Ni!" the Maguanacs began screaming at Relena and her followers.
Relena and the others collapsed to the ground, clutching their heads in pain. Apparently, the screaming of the sacred word was very painful to the ear. After a few moments, the Maguanacs grew silent.
"We shall say 'ni' again to you if you do not appease us with a sacrifice!" Quatre threatened Relena.
"Well, what do you want?" Relena asked impatiently.
"We demand..." Quatre began in a grandiose tone.
The Maguanacs surrounding him looked up at him expectantly.
".......a shrubbery!" he concluded in a powerful voice. The Maguanacs applauded him enthusiastically.
"A what?" Duo exclaimed in shock.
"Injustice!" muttered Wufei.
"Ni! Ni! Ni!" shouted the Maguanacs at Duo's and Wufei's temerity.
Relena and her followers clutched their ears in pain. The shouts continued until Relena finally conceded, "Please! Please! No more! We will find you a shrubbery!"
Quatre nodded his head in satisfaction.
"You must return here with a shrubbery, or you will never cross this desert alive!" he declared vehemently. There was a wild look growing in his eyes and the other Maguanacs slowly began to put some distance between them and their unstable master.
"O Maguanacs of Ni, you are both just and fair, and we will return with your shrubbery!" Relena stated firmly. Her words seemed to appease the young, blond man, who calmed down considerably. Relena gestured for her group to follow her back west towards the forest.
"Please get one that looks nice!" Quatre requested politely as they were trudging off.
"OK!" Relena waved back.
"And not too expensive! And one that doesn't require constant watering!" Quatre added.
"Fine! Fine!" Relena snapped as her group departed.
As they were worked their way back to the forest, the group was looking despondent
"I can't believe they want a shrubbery!" Duo complained. "Where are we supposed to find a shrubbery in a damn forest?!"
Wufei grumbled as well. "I can't believe that I was so weak that I could not overcome a simple word. I feel so worthless...and less than fresh."
Heero nodded. "Our mission is to find a shrubbery. Mission accepted."
Duo looked at Heero. "You've been saying that every five minutes ever since we left those crazy Maguanacs. Can't you find anything better to say?"
"Secondary mission is to find something better to say. Mission accepted," Heero responded in a monotone voice.
"Argghhh!" screamed Duo, clutching his braid. "He is the Perfect Knight!"
The group continued down the forest until they passed an old lady, who was busily watering her plants in front of her small hut.
"Excuse me, old lady, but do you know where I can find a shrubbery?" Relena inquired.
The old lady eyed them suspiciously.
"Who sent you?" demanded the old lady.
"The Maguanacs Who Say 'Ni'!" Relena admitted bashfully.
"Them?! No! Never! I have no shrubberies! And I don't know where you can find a shrubbery!" cried out the old woman.
"Really?" Relena asked in a dangerous voice. "If you do not tell us where we may purchase a shrubbery, my knights and I will say...well...we will say...`Ni'!"
"Arrrgghhhh!" screamed the old woman. "Nooo!!!!!"
Relena sighed. "Very well, if you do not choose to help us, my friends and I will be compelled to say 'Ni'! again!"
"Ni! Ni! Ni!" spoke Heero in a monotone voice. Duo and Wufei stared dumbfounded as the old woman wilted beneath Heero's words.
Duo growled, "I'm not sure if this is acceptable behavior. Using violence against the working class to exploit them!"
"I agree, Sir Duo. It seems somewhat unjust to attack those clearly weaker than us," Wufei nodded.
Suddenly, a tall, blond haired man with an aristocratic air and very gaudy clothing swept by and glared at the group.
"Excuse me, but are you saying 'ni' to that elderly woman there?" he inquired in a smooth voice.
"Ehhh...yes," Relena confessed with a guilty look on her face.
The man shook his head mournfully and lamented, "Oh, what sad times are these when passing knights can say 'ni' at will to elderly ladies. There is such a pestilence upon this land. Nothing is sacred! Even those who arrange design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history!"
Duo's ears perked up. "Did you say shrubberies?"
"Yes. Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Treize the Shrubber. I arrange, design and sell shrubberies," the eloquent man told them with a flourish.
"May I purchase a shrubbery from you?" Relena asked hopefully.
"Of course," Treize stated in a magnanimous voice. "As long as you agree that you shall no longer persecute the innocent with such an evil word."
Treize led them back to his small dwelling and gestured at the numerous shrubberies that lay in his yard.
"You are fortunate that I am having a sale," he informed them. "If you buy two, you get your third shrubbery free."
"Thank you, but I believe we will only require one shrubbery," Relena told him. She opened up her purse and pointed to the nearest shrubbery. "How much?"
"Five coppers," Treize told her.
Relena blinked and looked at her purse. "Do you have change for silver? It's the smallest coin I have!"
Treize shook his head. "But I can get you a really good deal on all this shrubbery!" He gestured at a few the more choice potted shrubbery.
Relena handed him the silver. "My good man, we'll take the nicest shrubbery you have for a silver."
Treize disappeared into the back and produced a beautiful, lush shrubbery and handed it to Heero.
Pagan quickly took the shrubbery from Heero and embraced it lovingly. No one wanted question the elderly man's actions.
Miss Relena and her somewhat loyal band of followers hurriedly returned to the desert, with their newly purchased shrubbery. After travelling in the desert for less than half an hour, they encountered the large band of Maguanacs and their blond leader.
Relena dismounted and strode forward. She gestured at the shrubbery that Pagan was holding onto.
"O Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we cross the desert now?" she asked politely.
Quatre walked up to the shrubbery that Pagan had reluctantly deposited onto the ground. He walked about and examined it carefully. After a few moments, Quatre spoke up.
"Hmm...'Tis a good shrubbery. I quite like the laurels in particular...but there is one small problem..." Quatre began.
"What is that?" Relena snapped, her eyebrows arching up dangerously.
"We are now...no longer the Maguanacs Who Say `Ni'!" Quatre proclaimed. "We are now the Maguanacs Who Say 'Whazzzuppp!!!'"
There was a loud, concerted "Whaazzzuppp!" from the surrounding Maguanacs.
Relena and her knights gasped in surprise.
"Injustice!" muttered Wufei irritably.
Quatre had a smug look on his face.
"Therefore, we must give you a new test," he told her.
"What is this test, O' Maguanacs of --- who 'til recently said 'Ni!'?" Relena sighed.
"First, you must find...another shrubbery!" Quatre cried out.
"Another shrubbery?!" Relena gasped.
"I knew we should have taken that gentleman up on his two-for-one shrubbery offer," Pagan mumbled.
"Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place the shrubbery here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get the two-level effect with a little path running down the middle," Quatre continued, gesturing at the nearby dune.
"A path! A path! Whhhaaaaazzzzuuuupppp!" the Maguanacs cheered in unison. "And, then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring!" Quatre finished grandly with a flourish of his thin arms.
"A herring!" cheered the Maguanacs.
"We will do no such things!" Relena snapped irritably.
"Oh, please, Miss Relena!" Quatre begged. "Such a feat would do so much for the morale of the Maguanacs here!"
"Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done," Relena said flatly.
The Maguanacs fell to their knees, grasping their heads in agony. Quatre also fell down screaming at Relena's words.
"Auughh!" cried out Quatre. "Don't say that word!"
"What word?" Duo asked curiously.
"I cannot tell, suffice it to say that there is one word that the Maguanacs who formerly who said 'Ni'! cannot hear!" Quatre shrieked.
"How can we not say the word if you do not tell us what it is?" Heero asked calmly.
"Arrgghhh!" cried out the Maguanacs.
"I guess it must be something both Sir Heero and Dictator Relena have said, Sir Heero!" Duo piped up helpfully.
"Argghhh!" cried out the Maguanacs.
"You seemed to have said it too," Wufei observed dryly.
"Arrghhh!" cried out the Maguanacs.
Heero sat down and carefully thought about the last several sentences spoken that caused the Maguanacs to cry out in pain. Suddenly, a realization dawned upon him. He walked up to Quatre and stared at the young blond man.
"It," Heero stated calmly.
"Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" cried out the Maguanacs and their leader.
"That's it?" Relena stated in astonishment.
"Arrrgghhh!" screamed the Magauancs in agony.
"Yes, apparently," Heero remarked, unimpressed by the Maguanacs' suffering.
"Wow, you truly are the Perfect Knight!" Duo breathed and leered at Heero. Heero quietly hid behind Pagan.
"You patsy!" Wufei smirked at Quatre.
"Arrgghhh! Not that word too!" cried out Quatre in misery. "I will do anything you ask of me! Just do not say either of those two words!"
"Well, then," Relena began in her imperious tone. "Then you will have to come with us to rid the world of hate and to bring love and peace to it."
"Arrghhh! Fine anything you say! Stop saying that word!" cried out Quatre.
"I have a solution!" Duo grinned evilly. He picked up some cloth and began packing it tightly into Quatre's ears. The Maguanacs were horrified, but did not stop the braided young man, for fear that the others may use their new found powers against them.
"Now he won't be able to hear 'it'!" Duo smiled, with a very pleased look on his face.
The Maguanacs cried, falling to the ground in pain. But little Quatre was looking around, blinking in surprise. Apparently, he had not heard the word.
"Great, a deaf knight to help us," Wufei muttered. "How weak."
"Let us continue on our quest!" Relena told everyone.
Suddenly, the clouds in the sky parted letting the sun burst through. A translucent apparition of an elderly man's face appeared as the sunlight burst through.
"Queen Relena," breathed the old man. "You must find the Holy Grail. It will bring peace to the rest of the world."
"The Holy Grail?" Relena asked. "Where do I find that?"
"Search...and it shall be found," the face told her. It then disappeared.
Relena's mouth gaped in surprise. "The Holy Grail?"
Relena and her entourage proceeded east to the next village. Unfortunately, the next village was across a large expanse of desert. Grimly, the weary travelers made their way through the blistering desert.
Eventually, Relena, Heero, Duo, Wufei and Pagan came across a large band of armed men in the desert. Unperturbed, Relena led the way to greet these men. As they drew closer, they noticed that most of imposing looking figures were large burly men, except for their leader. Their leader appeared to be a young looking man with blond hair and blue eyes.
The armed men were also jumping around excitedly when they noticed Relena and her group approach.
"Who are you?" demanded Relena of the young blond man.
"My name is Quatre, and these are my loyal servants, the Maguanacs Who Say `Ni'!" he told her politely.
Relena's jaw dropped in shock and fear.
"No! Not the Maguanacs Who Say `Ni'!" she gasped in terror.
"The same!" Quatre told her proudly.
Wufei furrowed his brow in confusion. He looked carefully at the young, blond man. He did not appear particularly intimidating. "Who are you people?"
"We are the keepers of the sacred words: `Ni', `Peng', and `Neee-wom'!" Quatre informed him in a slightly petulant voice.
"Those who hear them seldom have lived to tell the tale," Relena whispered quietly to her knights.
Quatre looked carefully at Relena and her knights and her elderly servant. The young blonde man rubbed his chin thoughtfully.
"The Maguanacs Who Say `Ni'! demand a sacrifice!" Quatre announced.
"But Maguanacs of Ni, we are simple travelers who seek knights to join my peaceful Oval Table in the Kingdom of Sanq," Relena attempted to explain. "My name is Queen Relena. We merely wish to cross to find the lord."
Quatre gave his men a stern look. His men understood the command and quickly surrounded Relena and her band.
"Ni! Ni! Ni!" the Maguanacs began screaming at Relena and her followers.
Relena and the others collapsed to the ground, clutching their heads in pain. Apparently, the screaming of the sacred word was very painful to the ear. After a few moments, the Maguanacs grew silent.
"We shall say 'ni' again to you if you do not appease us with a sacrifice!" Quatre threatened Relena.
"Well, what do you want?" Relena asked impatiently.
"We demand..." Quatre began in a grandiose tone.
The Maguanacs surrounding him looked up at him expectantly.
".......a shrubbery!" he concluded in a powerful voice. The Maguanacs applauded him enthusiastically.
"A what?" Duo exclaimed in shock.
"Injustice!" muttered Wufei.
"Ni! Ni! Ni!" shouted the Maguanacs at Duo's and Wufei's temerity.
Relena and her followers clutched their ears in pain. The shouts continued until Relena finally conceded, "Please! Please! No more! We will find you a shrubbery!"
Quatre nodded his head in satisfaction.
"You must return here with a shrubbery, or you will never cross this desert alive!" he declared vehemently. There was a wild look growing in his eyes and the other Maguanacs slowly began to put some distance between them and their unstable master.
"O Maguanacs of Ni, you are both just and fair, and we will return with your shrubbery!" Relena stated firmly. Her words seemed to appease the young, blond man, who calmed down considerably. Relena gestured for her group to follow her back west towards the forest.
"Please get one that looks nice!" Quatre requested politely as they were trudging off.
"OK!" Relena waved back.
"And not too expensive! And one that doesn't require constant watering!" Quatre added.
"Fine! Fine!" Relena snapped as her group departed.
As they were worked their way back to the forest, the group was looking despondent
"I can't believe they want a shrubbery!" Duo complained. "Where are we supposed to find a shrubbery in a damn forest?!"
Wufei grumbled as well. "I can't believe that I was so weak that I could not overcome a simple word. I feel so worthless...and less than fresh."
Heero nodded. "Our mission is to find a shrubbery. Mission accepted."
Duo looked at Heero. "You've been saying that every five minutes ever since we left those crazy Maguanacs. Can't you find anything better to say?"
"Secondary mission is to find something better to say. Mission accepted," Heero responded in a monotone voice.
"Argghhh!" screamed Duo, clutching his braid. "He is the Perfect Knight!"
The group continued down the forest until they passed an old lady, who was busily watering her plants in front of her small hut.
"Excuse me, old lady, but do you know where I can find a shrubbery?" Relena inquired.
The old lady eyed them suspiciously.
"Who sent you?" demanded the old lady.
"The Maguanacs Who Say 'Ni'!" Relena admitted bashfully.
"Them?! No! Never! I have no shrubberies! And I don't know where you can find a shrubbery!" cried out the old woman.
"Really?" Relena asked in a dangerous voice. "If you do not tell us where we may purchase a shrubbery, my knights and I will say...well...we will say...`Ni'!"
"Arrrgghhhh!" screamed the old woman. "Nooo!!!!!"
Relena sighed. "Very well, if you do not choose to help us, my friends and I will be compelled to say 'Ni'! again!"
"Ni! Ni! Ni!" spoke Heero in a monotone voice. Duo and Wufei stared dumbfounded as the old woman wilted beneath Heero's words.
Duo growled, "I'm not sure if this is acceptable behavior. Using violence against the working class to exploit them!"
"I agree, Sir Duo. It seems somewhat unjust to attack those clearly weaker than us," Wufei nodded.
Suddenly, a tall, blond haired man with an aristocratic air and very gaudy clothing swept by and glared at the group.
"Excuse me, but are you saying 'ni' to that elderly woman there?" he inquired in a smooth voice.
"Ehhh...yes," Relena confessed with a guilty look on her face.
The man shook his head mournfully and lamented, "Oh, what sad times are these when passing knights can say 'ni' at will to elderly ladies. There is such a pestilence upon this land. Nothing is sacred! Even those who arrange design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history!"
Duo's ears perked up. "Did you say shrubberies?"
"Yes. Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Treize the Shrubber. I arrange, design and sell shrubberies," the eloquent man told them with a flourish.
"May I purchase a shrubbery from you?" Relena asked hopefully.
"Of course," Treize stated in a magnanimous voice. "As long as you agree that you shall no longer persecute the innocent with such an evil word."
Treize led them back to his small dwelling and gestured at the numerous shrubberies that lay in his yard.
"You are fortunate that I am having a sale," he informed them. "If you buy two, you get your third shrubbery free."
"Thank you, but I believe we will only require one shrubbery," Relena told him. She opened up her purse and pointed to the nearest shrubbery. "How much?"
"Five coppers," Treize told her.
Relena blinked and looked at her purse. "Do you have change for silver? It's the smallest coin I have!"
Treize shook his head. "But I can get you a really good deal on all this shrubbery!" He gestured at a few the more choice potted shrubbery.
Relena handed him the silver. "My good man, we'll take the nicest shrubbery you have for a silver."
Treize disappeared into the back and produced a beautiful, lush shrubbery and handed it to Heero.
Pagan quickly took the shrubbery from Heero and embraced it lovingly. No one wanted question the elderly man's actions.
Miss Relena and her somewhat loyal band of followers hurriedly returned to the desert, with their newly purchased shrubbery. After travelling in the desert for less than half an hour, they encountered the large band of Maguanacs and their blond leader.
Relena dismounted and strode forward. She gestured at the shrubbery that Pagan was holding onto.
"O Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we cross the desert now?" she asked politely.
Quatre walked up to the shrubbery that Pagan had reluctantly deposited onto the ground. He walked about and examined it carefully. After a few moments, Quatre spoke up.
"Hmm...'Tis a good shrubbery. I quite like the laurels in particular...but there is one small problem..." Quatre began.
"What is that?" Relena snapped, her eyebrows arching up dangerously.
"We are now...no longer the Maguanacs Who Say `Ni'!" Quatre proclaimed. "We are now the Maguanacs Who Say 'Whazzzuppp!!!'"
There was a loud, concerted "Whaazzzuppp!" from the surrounding Maguanacs.
Relena and her knights gasped in surprise.
"Injustice!" muttered Wufei irritably.
Quatre had a smug look on his face.
"Therefore, we must give you a new test," he told her.
"What is this test, O' Maguanacs of --- who 'til recently said 'Ni!'?" Relena sighed.
"First, you must find...another shrubbery!" Quatre cried out.
"Another shrubbery?!" Relena gasped.
"I knew we should have taken that gentleman up on his two-for-one shrubbery offer," Pagan mumbled.
"Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place the shrubbery here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get the two-level effect with a little path running down the middle," Quatre continued, gesturing at the nearby dune.
"A path! A path! Whhhaaaaazzzzuuuupppp!" the Maguanacs cheered in unison. "And, then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring!" Quatre finished grandly with a flourish of his thin arms.
"A herring!" cheered the Maguanacs.
"We will do no such things!" Relena snapped irritably.
"Oh, please, Miss Relena!" Quatre begged. "Such a feat would do so much for the morale of the Maguanacs here!"
"Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done," Relena said flatly.
The Maguanacs fell to their knees, grasping their heads in agony. Quatre also fell down screaming at Relena's words.
"Auughh!" cried out Quatre. "Don't say that word!"
"What word?" Duo asked curiously.
"I cannot tell, suffice it to say that there is one word that the Maguanacs who formerly who said 'Ni'! cannot hear!" Quatre shrieked.
"How can we not say the word if you do not tell us what it is?" Heero asked calmly.
"Arrgghhh!" cried out the Maguanacs.
"I guess it must be something both Sir Heero and Dictator Relena have said, Sir Heero!" Duo piped up helpfully.
"Argghhh!" cried out the Maguanacs.
"You seemed to have said it too," Wufei observed dryly.
"Arrghhh!" cried out the Maguanacs.
Heero sat down and carefully thought about the last several sentences spoken that caused the Maguanacs to cry out in pain. Suddenly, a realization dawned upon him. He walked up to Quatre and stared at the young blond man.
"It," Heero stated calmly.
"Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" cried out the Maguanacs and their leader.
"That's it?" Relena stated in astonishment.
"Arrrgghhh!" screamed the Magauancs in agony.
"Yes, apparently," Heero remarked, unimpressed by the Maguanacs' suffering.
"Wow, you truly are the Perfect Knight!" Duo breathed and leered at Heero. Heero quietly hid behind Pagan.
"You patsy!" Wufei smirked at Quatre.
"Arrgghhh! Not that word too!" cried out Quatre in misery. "I will do anything you ask of me! Just do not say either of those two words!"
"Well, then," Relena began in her imperious tone. "Then you will have to come with us to rid the world of hate and to bring love and peace to it."
"Arrghhh! Fine anything you say! Stop saying that word!" cried out Quatre.
"I have a solution!" Duo grinned evilly. He picked up some cloth and began packing it tightly into Quatre's ears. The Maguanacs were horrified, but did not stop the braided young man, for fear that the others may use their new found powers against them.
"Now he won't be able to hear 'it'!" Duo smiled, with a very pleased look on his face.
The Maguanacs cried, falling to the ground in pain. But little Quatre was looking around, blinking in surprise. Apparently, he had not heard the word.
"Great, a deaf knight to help us," Wufei muttered. "How weak."
"Let us continue on our quest!" Relena told everyone.
Suddenly, the clouds in the sky parted letting the sun burst through. A translucent apparition of an elderly man's face appeared as the sunlight burst through.
"Queen Relena," breathed the old man. "You must find the Holy Grail. It will bring peace to the rest of the world."
"The Holy Grail?" Relena asked. "Where do I find that?"
"Search...and it shall be found," the face told her. It then disappeared.
Relena's mouth gaped in surprise. "The Holy Grail?"