Lex was having a bad day. She was going to fail painting and quite possibly ceramics as well. The house was a complete and utter mess, Jeff was doing his workaholic disappearing act and she had two term papers due in a week.

"Fuck," she mused to no one in particular.

She took a long drag off her cigarette and surveyed the vista laid out before her. The seven mountains undulated around her, unspoiled (mostly) by human intervention. Good thing, too. Her current mood was black enough to wither the will of anything that dared venture near enough. Yes, the fire observation tower on top of Broad Mountain was probably the best place for her to fume and not upset karma too badly.

Lex finished watching the sunset over the distant foothills and shivered as the wind picked up. With one last drag on her cigarette, she crushed the cherry and shoved the butt in her pocket. She was big on respecting the land.

The journey down the fire tower was easier but no less nerve-wracking. The wooden steps were steep and some risers were rotten. Only half of the flights had handrails. Still, this was Lex's favorite place to come, one where she was least likely to be disturbed.

Following the trail back to the car was also easy. It doubled as an access road (rarely used since DCNR didn't officially use the tower anymore) and was well maintained. About half a mile down the road-trail she came to the locked access gate and ducked under it.

The compact Toyota basked in the fading pick rays of the sun, waiting patiently for her return. Lex had to admit, the little car navigated the steep, unpaved switchbacks well for the econo-car that it was. She unlocked the car (why did she bother locking it anyway – there probably wasn't anyone out here for miles anyway) and slid into the drivers' seat. She was trying to adjust the rearview mirror when things suddenly got strange.

Two strong arms shot out from behind the drivers' seat. One covered Lex's mouth, the other came up under her arm and put a very dangerous-looking knife to her throat. Lex squeaked in fear and surprise. The arms pulled her more tightly against the back of her seat and the knife pressed harder into her throat.

"One scream and I will kill you. Do … you … under … stand?" a male voice asked very slowly.

"Mmm-hmmmph," Lex whimpered.

"Good. Now, where did the Orcs go?"

"Mmph?" Lex inquired.

"The Orcs!" The arm across her chest was very near to crushing her ribs. Lex tried to say something, but she couldn't get it out around the grubby hand over her mouth. The man behind her grunted in frustration. "If I move my hand, do you promise not to scream?"

"Mmm-hmm!" Lex tried to nod her head but the knife was a bit too close for comfort.

As the hand covering her mouth withdrew, Lex saw her chance. She chomped down hard on the soft webbing between the thumb and forefinger of the dirty right hand. There was a yelp of surprise behind her, but Lex didn't stick around to see what words her would-be captor was going to direct towards her. She flung open her door and headed for the cover of the woods.

Lex hadn't gone more than ten feet off the road before an arrow thudded into a nearby tree. Had she been thinking clearly, she probably would have panicked. But Lex had led a sheltered life and as such didn't expect more than one random attempt on her life per day. Instead, she ran towards the source of the arrow. She could hear frantic voices in front of her.

Hunters! She thought. No, poachers this time of year. Still! I bet they've got knives and guns and a cell phone! Yeah a cell phone! I can call for help and get that bastard our of the car and—

Her run-on thoughts were cut short by a sharp blow to the back of her head.

Small gnomes danced in lead shoes inside her skull. She squeezed her eyes tightly shut and then experimentally opened one eye. Bright neon flashes of color exploded before it and Lex squeezed it shut again. Cautiously she tried the other eye. Same result.

Deciding to keep her eyes shut for the moment, Lex used her other senses to take stock. Aside from the huge goose egg on her head, nothing else seemed to be physically wrong. She was flat on her back, lots of little sharp things digging into her flesh. Gravel? Yes! The road was gravel. Someone had moved her while she was out, then. Gas, she smelled gas. Had to be the car. Ok, she was near the car. And she heard … voices. She concentrated, trying to separate them from the clanging in her head.

"You could have killed her! Why did you have to hit her so hard?" A high voice. A child?

"Because she was coming right for us and if I had not gotten the drop on her she could have rampaged right through us." Gruff. Someone who over pronounced his 'r's.

"I had her in my sights! If you would have waited but a minute I could have had her clean through!" Musical. Interesting.

"She did not attempt to harm us. She does not deserve to be killed." A wise voice. Old.

"She and that metal beast appeared as we trailed the orcs! She must be in league with them, or at least have seen where they traveled." Another voice … dark in timbre but powerful. How many killers were after her?

"And so you threaten her life and then concuss her within an inch of it." The wise voice again. Perhaps there was hope for her to make it home alive yet. There was only one way to find out.

Lex moaned.

She heard some hurried whispers and the shuffle of feet.

"I told you I had not killed her!" The gruff voice again.

"Shh!"

Lex could feel a circle of people surround her. Experimentally she opened her eyes to try to take in the faces of her attackers. Four children, a midget, a man in a pointy hat, a hot guy with pointy ears, and the owner of the dirty hand. She blinked and looked again, but the scene had not changed. The circle of people regarded their quarry silently until pointy-hat spoke.

"Awfully sorry about that – I think we got a bit overexcited."

Lex fainted.

Aragorn had given her a poultice of herbs to hold against the knot on her head while Sam had cautiously given her some water from a water skin. She drank it gratefully and reached for her cigarettes. Lex shook one from the pack and began to dig for her lighter. She fished it from her pocket and gave it a flick. The flame sprung to life and she heard Pippin gasp and mutter something about having attacked a wizard. At least, she thought it was Pippin. It was bugger-all dark on the top of the mountain.

Lex only smiled and took a deep drag. She exhaled, and surveyed the Fellowship as best she could in the gloom. Even in her dreams, she couldn't have managed a motlier crew. Still, they had triumphed in the end, yes? So … what were they doing here in bumble-fuck?

"Let's go over this again," she opined from her perch on the hood of the Toyota. "You were attacked by orcs, right?"

"Aye, a great band of them too! Not too much for me of course, but I was fearful for my companions you see." Lex hissed, cutting Gimli off.

"All right, so you finally got the orcs on the run and decided to chase them, yes?"

"The few stragglers were no match for us," said Legolas who, despite Lex's insistence that there were no orcs here insisted on pacing the perimeter of the group restlessly.

"Obviously," Lex said with not a little sarcasm while looking at the Hobbits. Fortunately, those that weren't busy eating couldn't see her for the dark. She had gladly handed over her bag of Hershey's Minis just to shut them up and keep them from wandering off. Watching Merry eat the first one without taking the wrapper off had been payment enough.

"So," she continued, "you came crashing through the underbrush—"

"Elves do not crash!" Legolas interjected indignantly.

"Pardon," Lex took another drag. "You came sneaking quietly through the underbrush at top speed and somehow stumbled upon my car. So, you" she glared at Aragorn who she suspected could see her despite the dark, "decided to pick the lock and ambush me so I could tell you where the Orcs went."

Aragorn nodded, emotionless.

"I escape from Aragorn – who I might add could stand a bath--" Merry giggled and was promptly elbowed by Frodo, "and seek solace in the woods where you," she turned her irritated gaze to Legolas, "decide that instead of getting information from me and before even knowing if I am friend of foe you're just going to put an arrow through my chest."

"I was aiming for your throat," Legolas said coolly. Lex was unamused. She wondered how many fangirls would find Legolas' attitude as attractive as his sexy, sexy, lithe body…

Gandalf cleared his throat and Lex jumped.

"But before you could get a shot off," Lex continued, "Gimli, who somehow ended up in a tree, klongs me on the head with the haft of his axe. At which point Aragorn shows up and suggests that you drag me back to the steel beast and try to figure out what it does in case it's of some use against orcs, am I correct?"

"Indeed," said Boromir who had been silent. Well, mused Lex, I guess you don't get many lines when you're only a supporting actor. Especially when you're cast with such a well cut specimen of manhood like Aragorn… Lex jumped as her cigarette burned her fingers and dropped the butt.

"Well," she coughed and rubbed her singed fingers. "So you have no idea how you got from Middle-earth to Earth?"

Silence.

"Any idea how you're going to get back?"

Crickets chirped in the distance.

"Goddess help me," Lex sighed.