A/N: Chapter3 for yaÕll. Thanks to my wondrous reviewers for their encouragement!
Standard disclaimer: I own Lex. The fellowship belongs to Tolkien. The liquor belongs to my housemates, and the house belongs to my landlord. I am making no money off of this endeavor. Sue me and all you get is the ZIP disk IÕm saving this to. Sorry, I drank the rum. ;)
Addendum Ð fixed some typos and small issues with this chapter. Thanks to Miss Cam for pointing them out! *waves*
Lex felt like sheÕd been run over by a truck. Or trampled by a Fellowship of nine. This wasnÕt far from the truth. After dinner (the pizza, as sheÕd promised, was well received by all) had come the problem of where to put nine extra people in an already cramped apartment. Gimli, Aragorn and Boromir seemed quite content to camp out on the floor of the living room, deferring to Gandalf when he requested to sleep on the couch. Legolas was adamant on sleeping in the back yard under the stars at first, but once Lex related to him the horrors perpetrated by drunken fraternity boys, he decided he would make due with sleeping on the enclosed porch. The Hobbits, on the other hand, were quite content to all pile on to the futon in LexÕs room, while Lex herself would sleep in the loft bed up top.
Before bed, Lex had demonstrated the wonders of the shower. Surprisingly, everyone (even Aragorn!) formed a queue outside the bathroom and waited eagerly to try the Òindoor waterfallÓ as Sam had called it.
The only remaining problem was what to tell her four roommates. They had taken on couch crashers before, but only with limited success and never for long periods of time. Lex supposed the best way to break the news was simply to show them. So, after the Fellowship was showered and changed, Lex sat them in the living room and waited for her roommates to come back from the bar.
Alcohol is wondrous drug.
Jeff, Sam, Samantha and Rob, far from being phased by finding two humans, four hobbits, an elf, a dwarf and an Istar in their living room, were quite excited by the prospect. The first thing they did, of course, was offer drinks all around. The offer was eagerly accepted by all, but most especially by Lex.
Rob raided the liquor cabinet in the kitchen while Sam and Jeff headed out to the bottle shop. Samantha just watched, thinking that while this was strange, it beat having jilted, psychotic-acting gay boys puking all over the rug. Lex was just enjoying the warm, relaxing feeling she got after a few shots of rum. She was even beginning to unwind when Boromir, Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli began to get rowdy.
ÒThat is as may be, but we dwarves drink from the time we are but babes! No man Ð and certainly no elf could ever out drink a dwarf!Ó GimliÕs nose and cheeks were already beginning to redden.
ÒHa! You call that water you dwarves drink alcohol? Elven wine is far superior in both taste and alcohol content!Ó Mmm, drunken elf boi, Lex thought.
Boromir and Aragorn whispered back and forth between themselves for a moment before Aragorn spoke.
ÒLet us have a contest! Lex shall decide the type and amount of liquor we drink. He who is most sober shall be declared winner.Ó
ÒAnd whoÕs going to decide that?Ó asked Merry, who didnÕt need a judge to tell him he was already quite intoxicated.
ÒLex, of course!Ó spoke Boromir. The four competitors looked at Lex.
ÒAll right, all right,Ó she muttered. IÕll choose the drinks and make sure everyone drinks equally. If you have to puke use the toilet, please.Ó The Fellowship blinked. Lex sighed. ÒThe porcelain chair in the waterfall room. Put the lid up first. If you puke, youÕre eliminated. Last one standing wins. Fair?Ó
ÒFair!Ó chorused four voices.
ÒRight, beer first!Ó said Lex. She disappeared into the kitchen for a moment and then returned carrying four bottles of Miller. She popped the caps and handed them around.
ÒFeh, I have tasted water stronger than this!Ó said Gimli.
Aragorn, Legolas and Boromir didnÕt say anything, but it was obvious they didnÕt think much better of it.
Just about then, Sam and Jeff returned from their beer run. They came bearing Guinness and Woodchuck. Lex helped herself to a hard cider while the hobbits cheered the four competitors while they each tried to down their drink the fastest. Aragorn came in first, followed by Boromir, Gimli, and Legolas. Poor elf looked a little green around the gills. Lex didnÕt blame him. A lifetime of good elven wine canÕt possibly prepare anyone for American beer.
ÒNext!Ó she barked and ducked into the kitchen again. This time she came out with four glasses of red wine. The four men sniffed their glasses experimentally. Legolas was the first to try a sip. His face puckered as if heÕd just bitten into a very sour grape. Which, in a manner of speaking, he had. So cute, thought Lex, and giggled internally.
ÒLady Lex,Ó began Legolas, trying to suppress a cough. Her roommates giggled at the thought of Lex being ÒLady.Ó
ÒLady Lex,Ó Legolas tried again, Òsomeday I shall have to introduce you to elven wine. Even our worst years are far better!Ó
ÒOh sure,Ó piped up Pippin, Òinsult the lass that gives you free drinks!Ó The hobbits laughed. Even Gandalf smiled. Legolas blushed just a little.
ÒAll right, all right. Finish your drinks, you whiners. Just for that, IÕm going to make you sorry.Ó
They had Guinness; they had Irish Car Bombs, whiskey, rum and vodka. Then, Lex brought out the coup de grace.
ÒEverclear,Ó she said with an evil grin. ÒPure alcohol. The rest of the contest will be carried out with this,Ó she said, and set the bottle on the floor along with four shot glasses. With slightly double vision, she eyed up the men.
Boromir looked like he was one beer over the line, and Legolas had been three sheets to the wind for some time. Only Gimli and Aragorn could still form complete sentences, though all could slur their names when asked, which to Lex counted as being conscious. The Hobbits had passed out some time ago, so Jeff and Rob generously volunteered to put them to bed. Sam and Samantha had disappeared some time ago. The only people left in the living room were the four combatants, a very inebriated Lex and Gandalf who had stopped after learning about the phenomenon known as tequila. Lex couldnÕt blame him.
She poured four shots very carefully, chewing on her tongue in concentration. After making sure they were all even, she distributed them to the drinkers. The four men eyed each other up the best they could, considering, and then Aragorn gave a shaky Òbottoms upÓ gesture and they all drank.
Lex, being in college and having been in several drinking showdowns herself should have been prepared for what happened. She should have known what happens when machismo overrides good sense. But between finding heretofore fictional characters in the woods and subsequently having her life threatened by them coupled with her own illusions of the mettle of some of the finer specimens of manhood in Middle-earth, her judge of character was a bit off.
BoromirÕs whole shot didnÕt even make it past his lips before he spat it back out. This unfortunately hit Legolas who began to choke (everclear down your throat is a hard thing to stomach Ð everclear down your windpipe is damn near unbearable) which caused Gimli to laugh forcing his drink out his nose. Gandalf, being an Istar and having Maian foresight, had seated himself on the other side of the room. Lex, however, was not so lucky. She found herself covered in everclear and Goddess only knew what else. She gasped for a few seconds and then É then Lex began to laugh.
This caused a chain reaction much better than the first, if only for the fact that everyone who was laughing happened not to have a mouth full of liquor at the moment. When it finally stopped, Lex went to clean up and wait for the effects of the everclear to hit the men. When she returned, she noted that Boromir was snoring loudly with his head resting on LegolasÕ shoulder. Legolas, though his eyes were open, was clearly in elven dreamland. Aragorn and Gimli, the only two still conscious, were eyeing each other. Aragorn made the first move.
ÒCare for another, friend?Ó he grinned and waved the uncapped bottle of everclear under GimliÕs nose. That was enough for the dwarf. He paled, then turned green. He forgot LexÕs lecture about the porcelain throne and instead made for the door.
Good enough, thought Lex as the dwarf leaned over the porch railing.
ÒI hereby declare Aragorn, Son of Arathorn the winner!Ó she announced. Gandalf was the only one still awake enough to hear her. He just smiled.
Lex decided to call it a night.