A/N: Another chapter. Sorry this is slow. I'm plowing through writers' block at the mo, as well as trying to birth another totally different fic. I've been a little distracted. I've been in a really dark mood lately, so this chapter has more angst than humor. Sorry about that. :\
Nods and cheers to Miss Cam for her assistance and general company while writing this.
Standard disclaimer – I own Lex and her aspirin. Tolkien owns the Fellowship. I'm just babysitting them for a little bit. I'm making no money off of this endeavor. Sue me and you get a big fat nothing. So there. :p
Lex had a hard time keeping the hobbits out from under her feet as she began cooking breakfast. Apparently there's something about the smell of food that draws hobbits like flies to flypaper. After swatting Merry with her spatula for the millionth time, Gandalf finally appeared and shepherded them off, promising to teach them a mysterious game called "Egyptian Rat Screw" which Lex had taught him the previous night.
The smells had also awoken the remaining three drunks in the living room. Lex could hear the moans. She suppressed a smile and stuck her head out of the kitchen to peer into the living room.
"Good morning!" she whispered cheerfully. Aragorn, Boromir and Gimli winced in unison. Lex came prepared. She pulled a bottle of aspirin out of her pocket and handed around tablets to the sufferers.
"What are these?" asked Boromir, looking at the tablets distrustfully.
Aragorn held one up and sniffed it. Then he licked it experimentally. His face contorted in disgust. "Lady Lex, what are these foul things?"
"They're called aspirin. You're supposed to swallow them with water. They'll help. Trust me."
"Trust you!" Gimli snorted. "That's how we got into this mess!"
Lex didn't reply; she just handed a large glass of water to each of them. The men looked at her distrustfully but swallowed the aspirin anyway.
"Where's Legolas?" Gimli asked after swallowing his aspirin.
"He went out," Lex said, taking back the glass Aragorn handed her.
"Out? Lex, is it safe for him to wander around in such unfamiliar and unknown lands?"
"He's an elf. I can't keep him inside all day," Lex shrugged.
"He was pining for the fjords!" Pippin exclaimed. The hobbits collapsed into giggles.
"Didn't I tell you not to use the TV?" Lex sighed. Well, at least it was Monty Python and not Rob's porn collection. "He went out early this morning. I suspect he'll be back soon. Besides, it's a Saturday morning in a college town. Everyone will still be in sleeping off their hangovers. Speaking of hangovers, the best way to cure yours – aside from aspirin that is – is food." The hobbits jumped up. "Humans, dwarves and wizards first, thank you," Lex said. The hobbits looked dejected. "There are no second breakfasts or elevensies in this house. Any food that's left after you eat you'll have to budget out for yourselves. I have work to do." Lex grabbed a plate and squeezed out of the kitchen, rubbing a little too close to Aragorn for his comfort. "Sorry. Narrow door," she blushed and made a hasty retreat for her room.
"Gandalf?" she paused next to him.
"Yes, my dear?"
"Could you … keep them busy for a while? Watch TV, read them a book, something. You could even take them in the back yard for some swordplay or something. I think that would be all right. People will just think they're from the SCA." Lex noted Gandalf's look of puzzlement. "Never mind. Just keep them occupied and out of trouble."
"Of course, Lex. Any time or trouble I can spare you on a hunt for a solution to our … predicament will be effort well spent," Gandalf bowed his head slightly.
"Thank you," said Lex, feeling genuinely thankful.
"Dammit dammit dammit!" Lex dropped the book she had been thumbing through unceremoniously on the floor. Neither the text of "The Lord of the Rings" nor its appendices held any clue as to the accidental trans-dimensional teleportation of middle-earth characters. She rubbed her temples in frustration as she stood up from the futon.
The sky outside was clear blue. Lex looked at it longingly. She grasped the windowsill and stared into the back yard. Aragorn and Boromir were instructing the hobbits in the proper use of swords while Gandalf looked on. Legolas had been missing for several hours and was not back yet.
"Lady Lex?"
Lex nearly jumped out of her skin as Legolas descended the tree in front of her window.
"May I come in?" he asked, dangling gracefully from the truck.
"Jesus Christ! You scared the shit outta me!"
"Who is this Christ you speak of? A friend of yours? I am certainly not he!"
"Never mind," she sighed, sliding the screen up. Legolas leapt nimbly to the sill and slid inside. "You know, most people use the door," she added bluntly as she latched the screen back into place.
"I apologize if I frightened you, but I felt it would attract less attention."
"Oh you did, did you?" Lex looked the elf up and down. He stood quite close to Jeff's height, so it had been no problem for Lex to borrow a pair of jeans and a t-shirt for the elf. Legolas, for his part, had unbraided his hair and allowed it to cover his ears on Lex's insistence.
"These clothes… They chafe. And they do not offer much protection." Legolas picked at the thin cotton of the shirt.
"We don't need protection as such in our everyday lives. We are … quite safe. Usually."
"Usually?"
Lex sat down on the futon and stared pensively at the floor.
"Lady Lex, have I offended you?"
"No, Legolas. I just … well…" Lex thought of Drew's friend Sarah, shot in a drive by a year ago. She thought of all the women assaulted and raped on campus in the course of a year. She thought of the violence perpetrated by countries against innocent people in the name of vague concepts like democracy and capitalism. Lex heard the futon creak as Legolas sat next to her and put a comforting had on her shoulder.
"I have caused you pain," he said sorrowfully.
"No. No, not you. All the other selfish, macho fuckwads on the earth."
Legolas looked confused.
"I know something of the war you're fighting in middle-earth," Lex began at last. "I know of the horrors, the tortures inflicted, the lives lost. Our pain on this earth is much the same, I think. For different reasons though. We too have wars. Our people have been at war for many centuries. We've made a gruesome art of it, really. Instead of battles where you can see your enemy, we have things called bombs that can destroy something as small as a building or as large as a city from half a world away, just at the press of a button. We have guns, we have poisons… But worst of all, we have people insidious enough and cowardly enough to use them to further their own ends. I don't think I need to tell a warrior like yourself how much it pains me to think of all the innocent people who have died while those in power or those who simply wish for it go on spilling blood as if it were water into a river. This earth has seen too much blood shed, I think. In my short lifetime, I have already seen too much. Perhaps not face to face, but I feel the pain just as keenly. Here," Lex felt around under the futon and came up with a dog-eared Time magazine. "These were once the mightiest towers in my country. They symbolized the greatness of America to many people. Thousands worked there -- people with homes and families." She turned some pages. "This is an airplane; a great silver bird inside of which people can ride. Much like my car, but many times bigger. On September 11th, four of these airplanes were hijacked. Two were flown into these towers, killing thousands of people. Another hit an important government building. The final one … Well, the people on that plane gave their lives to stop the hijackers from taking more. That plane crashed into an empty field." Lex flipped pages as she talked.
"But… but why? Were you at war with these people?"
Lex smiled in a sad sort of way. "You know, I don't know. Officially, no. But our government has been trying for years to force our way of governing on these people. Our government provoked them really. They began to see all Americans as selfish, greedy capitalists who think only of themselves with no regard for anything other than money and power. And so, they retaliated. To them, one American is the same as another. Killing innocent people never crossed their minds. We were all tainted to them," Lex paused and took a shuddering breath. "You probably don't understand a thing I've said."
"I understand war. And I understand the loss of innocents. Above all, Lady Lex, I understand the pain and fear in your voice. You are brave to remain."
"Where would I go were I to leave? Violence covers this world. Nowhere is safe. You just have to ignore it and go forward as best you can. I… Oh, fuck." Lex stood up abruptly. "I'm sorry, I never meant to drag you into this. You should go outside and see how the hobbits are fairing." Lex couldn't look at Legolas.
"As you wish, Lady Lex." She heard the futon creak again. "But," he continued, his voice darkening, "I will remember what you said and learn from it. I still believe you are brave to remain here. I think I could learn much from you." An odd silence hung in the air. Legolas started for the window.
"Legolas?"
"Yes, Lady Lex?"
"Use the door please."
"As you wish."
Lex's hands shook so badly she could barely type. Fuck fuck FUCK! What the hell was I thinking, telling him all that shit? A stiff drink and a few cigarettes later she was finally calm enough to resume her search. She had barely begun when she heard her name called from the yard. Shit on a pixie. Now what? Lex headed for the door without even bothering to check the out window. She pounded down the porch steps and stuck her head cautiously around the corner of the house.
"Lex! Can you really shoot as well as Legolas?" Frodo asked.
"I … uh … what gave you that idea?" Lex stammered.
"Last night when you were drinking you bet Legolas a bottle of good wine that you could out-shoot him in archery!"
"I … I did?" She looked desperately around at the Fellowship. They were all smiling in an amused, 'you're in deep shit now,' sort of way.
"You did," said Legolas, striding across the yard to her, holding out his bow. "And as a matter of courtesy I will allow you the first shot, M'lady."
"Oh, no I couldn't! I mean, your bow is … what I mean to say is the one's I've used are different. I couldn't possibly…"
"A bet is a bet, Lady Lex. Now please, show us your skills." Lex swore she could hear Legolas smirk.
Someone had found the straw man left over from Halloween and hung him from the gutter in the garage. Lex approached tentatively.
"How far back are we standing?" she asked nervously. Legolas picked up a stick as he walked to where Lex was standing, eyed the straw man, and placed the stick about thirty feel from the target.
"Behind this line should be sufficient."
"Fine, fine," said Lex as she tried to select an arrow from the quiver Legolas had held out to her. She made a big show of checking the fletching, weighting and straightness of all the arrows. But as they were elven arrows the craftsmanship on all was excellent. Really, she was just stalling. Finally, after if became obvious everyone knew she was stalling Lex selected an arrow and knocked it on the string. She took a few deep breaths and tried to still her pounding heart. Sight, draw, wait for the pause between heartbeats and release. Don't think too much about it or you'll blow it. Convinced she could at least get a shot off without injuring anyone in the vicinity, Lex took a final breath, aimed, drew, paused, shut her eyes and released.
*whip THOCK!*
Thock! It went thock! I hit something! Lex peeked out through one eye. The arrow quivered in the groin of the poor straw man. Lex finally exhaled and handed the bow back to an amused-looking Legolas.
"Draws nice," was all she said.
"Indeed. A good shot, to be sure. After seeing that, I do not think I will question the archery skills of the lady. To do so seems to involve … pain." Legolas looked at Lex and suppressed a smile. Lex didn't bother with the suppression thing. She smiled a smile of triumph and relief.
"Now, if you don't mind, I have research to get back to," said Lex, grinning from ear to ear as she made her way back to the house. As soon as she had turned the corner, she could hear the Fellowship burst into laughter.
A/N: Thanks to Monty Python for making me laugh despite a hellish week, and cheers to Jay and Acacia of PPC for reminding me of the wonder that is "Egyptian Rat Screw." Again, sorry for all the angst and stuff. It's been a long week, what with studying and papers and stuff. Sorry about all the Legolas lusting, too. I can normally spread my lust equally, but … well, you're just gonna have to forgive me. And PPCers, if you decide to go after this fic I really won't blame you. Give me a heads up so I can laugh right along with you. Cheers to my reviewers, as always. You guys are my bread and butter.
Until next time, peace out.