Title: Help Me
Fandom: Queer as Folk US
Rating: R
Warning: Thoughts of suicide, and some bad language
Disclaimer: I wish
Feedback: I have never written anything in this fandom before so be nice.
Wholovesforever@queenzone.com
Notes: I was laying on bed, thinking about my latest paper when this came
to me. Anyone want to keep going with it, be my guest, just let me know.
Archive: Hell yes. Just let me know, so I can brag to my friends.
Pairing: Brian/Justin with a little bit of Justin/Ethan
Summary: Everything is not as it seems in Paradise.
Ethan is in class. I should be too, but what will it matter in a few minuets?
I'm sitting here in the bed staring at it. It gleams in the thin light trickling in through the closed drapes, calling to me. It's sharp, looking so harmless, but I know what it's capable of.
I was a normal teenager with the normal depressing thoughts that would have freaked the hell out of my parents. Add that to the problem of being gay in a closed minded society and my thoughts were bound to travel down that road.
But I have never been so close to following through with the idea. Not even in the Hospital. Then I still had the hope of Brian to cling to, to pull me through. Now, I don't even have that.I mean, sure, I have a great boyfriend, good looking, who doesn't bitch at me for staying up at all hours just to capture that image of that light perfectly. He's an artist to, he understands.
So why isn't that enough?
I know why. I'm just so tired. Tired of trying to fight my hand, of my family and all it's related drama, and tired of waking up trying to scream in terror just to able to make a pathetic little whimpering noise and curl in on myself.
When I was with Brian, I never had time to be tired. Just keeping up with him and his moodswings, not to mention his relationships with his friends, kept me on my feet. I didn't have time to worry about what I was doing, I just followed and found that things turned out all right in the end. When I was with Brian. Now they don't. Now they just drag on until I want to scream and pound the walls until they fall and I can find my sanity again.
There's just one problem. I willingly left my sanity behind for the foolish hope that three meaningless words would make it all better. I left Brian for that hope. And now look where I am. Sitting on the bed in Ethan and Is apartment with my legs hugged to my chest, staring at a kitchen knife with lust in my eyes.
I need Brian.
****************************
Stupid fucking account. Those fucking assholes wouldn't know a good idea if it jumped out in front of it in the middle of a highway and did the hula.
FUCK! I told Cynthia to hold all my calls until I came up another fucking idea.
Fuck, maybe it's Ryder. Calling to chew my ass out for taking so long.
"Hello?"
Nothing
"Hello?", this time with a bit of impatience to let the fucker know that they were wasting my time.
"Brian?"
Shit! He sounds like he's been crying. "Justin, what's wrong? What's happened?"
"Brian? I'm at Ethan's. I need you."
"Justin? JUSTIN! Justin, what's going on?"
Nothing, just that stupid, fucking, annoying dial tone.
I dropped the phone on the desk, not giving a shit about the accounts anymore, and raced out the door.
*****************
"Justin? Justin let me in." No answer.
"Justin, open the door of I'll break it down, and you know I will!"
A small voice, "It's open."
Oh, thank god. He hasn't done anything stupid yet.
I open the door wondering what I'll find. I'm not surprised to find him the bed, rocking back and forth staring at nothing. After the bashing he did that a lot. I just thought that he was trying to work through it in his head.
Only as I walk forward, the light, what little of it there is, glints of something metallic. A new player has been introduced into the drama. A knife.
"Justin?" Nothing.
"Justin?"
"I need you."
"What?"
"I need you, Brian."
I nod. What else can I do?
"Alright, well then lets you get out of here."
I'd never been in the room before. It was a hellhole and I was surprised that he had lasted this long. He was stronger than I thought. Then I thought 'That little fucker. The danger signs had probably been all there, only he had been to blind to see them. I've always managed to make Justin forget all this shit. Then again, maybe thats the problem. All the shit hadn't been dealt with. It had just been side-stepped.'
I walked up to him, and pulled him to his feet. Standing on the bed, he was taller than me, and I had to look up to see his eyes. A new experience for me. He look tired and dazed and not really aware of what was going on around him. I saw him look around, as if wondering where he was and his eyes fell on mine. They stayed there, and a tiny bit of life, a tiny bit of the Justin I loved, returned.
'I promise,' I thought to myself 'This will not happen again.'
I picked him up, and walked out with his arms wrapped around my neck.
**************
"Honey, I'm home!"
I came home expecting Justin to be there with his customary small, endearing smile. Today was Tuesday and his classes got of sooner than mine. But I got no answer.
Frowning, I looked around and realised that was wrong. Justin's stuff was missing.
Looking around, I saw a piece of white paper among the dark sheets of the bed. I walked up to it wondering what it would say and couldn't believe what was on it.
'I'm sorry. I love him.'
Ethan is in class. I should be too, but what will it matter in a few minuets?
I'm sitting here in the bed staring at it. It gleams in the thin light trickling in through the closed drapes, calling to me. It's sharp, looking so harmless, but I know what it's capable of.
I was a normal teenager with the normal depressing thoughts that would have freaked the hell out of my parents. Add that to the problem of being gay in a closed minded society and my thoughts were bound to travel down that road.
But I have never been so close to following through with the idea. Not even in the Hospital. Then I still had the hope of Brian to cling to, to pull me through. Now, I don't even have that.I mean, sure, I have a great boyfriend, good looking, who doesn't bitch at me for staying up at all hours just to capture that image of that light perfectly. He's an artist to, he understands.
So why isn't that enough?
I know why. I'm just so tired. Tired of trying to fight my hand, of my family and all it's related drama, and tired of waking up trying to scream in terror just to able to make a pathetic little whimpering noise and curl in on myself.
When I was with Brian, I never had time to be tired. Just keeping up with him and his moodswings, not to mention his relationships with his friends, kept me on my feet. I didn't have time to worry about what I was doing, I just followed and found that things turned out all right in the end. When I was with Brian. Now they don't. Now they just drag on until I want to scream and pound the walls until they fall and I can find my sanity again.
There's just one problem. I willingly left my sanity behind for the foolish hope that three meaningless words would make it all better. I left Brian for that hope. And now look where I am. Sitting on the bed in Ethan and Is apartment with my legs hugged to my chest, staring at a kitchen knife with lust in my eyes.
I need Brian.
****************************
Stupid fucking account. Those fucking assholes wouldn't know a good idea if it jumped out in front of it in the middle of a highway and did the hula.
FUCK! I told Cynthia to hold all my calls until I came up another fucking idea.
Fuck, maybe it's Ryder. Calling to chew my ass out for taking so long.
"Hello?"
Nothing
"Hello?", this time with a bit of impatience to let the fucker know that they were wasting my time.
"Brian?"
Shit! He sounds like he's been crying. "Justin, what's wrong? What's happened?"
"Brian? I'm at Ethan's. I need you."
"Justin? JUSTIN! Justin, what's going on?"
Nothing, just that stupid, fucking, annoying dial tone.
I dropped the phone on the desk, not giving a shit about the accounts anymore, and raced out the door.
*****************
"Justin? Justin let me in." No answer.
"Justin, open the door of I'll break it down, and you know I will!"
A small voice, "It's open."
Oh, thank god. He hasn't done anything stupid yet.
I open the door wondering what I'll find. I'm not surprised to find him the bed, rocking back and forth staring at nothing. After the bashing he did that a lot. I just thought that he was trying to work through it in his head.
Only as I walk forward, the light, what little of it there is, glints of something metallic. A new player has been introduced into the drama. A knife.
"Justin?" Nothing.
"Justin?"
"I need you."
"What?"
"I need you, Brian."
I nod. What else can I do?
"Alright, well then lets you get out of here."
I'd never been in the room before. It was a hellhole and I was surprised that he had lasted this long. He was stronger than I thought. Then I thought 'That little fucker. The danger signs had probably been all there, only he had been to blind to see them. I've always managed to make Justin forget all this shit. Then again, maybe thats the problem. All the shit hadn't been dealt with. It had just been side-stepped.'
I walked up to him, and pulled him to his feet. Standing on the bed, he was taller than me, and I had to look up to see his eyes. A new experience for me. He look tired and dazed and not really aware of what was going on around him. I saw him look around, as if wondering where he was and his eyes fell on mine. They stayed there, and a tiny bit of life, a tiny bit of the Justin I loved, returned.
'I promise,' I thought to myself 'This will not happen again.'
I picked him up, and walked out with his arms wrapped around my neck.
**************
"Honey, I'm home!"
I came home expecting Justin to be there with his customary small, endearing smile. Today was Tuesday and his classes got of sooner than mine. But I got no answer.
Frowning, I looked around and realised that was wrong. Justin's stuff was missing.
Looking around, I saw a piece of white paper among the dark sheets of the bed. I walked up to it wondering what it would say and couldn't believe what was on it.
'I'm sorry. I love him.'