Chapter Eight
Phoebe sleepily entered the dining room and froze when she saw her sisters and Leo already seated and eating breakfast.
"How'd you sleep?" Leo asked as he stood and invited her to sit in the chair next to him.
She slowly accepted and, as she sat, grumbled, "Where's Grams? I want to talk to her about what she's putting in her special tea these days."
"She's not here," Piper stated indifferently. "Neither is Mom. They had to…go."
"Oh," Phoebe uttered. "Dad?"
Piper reached for the plate of eggs and informed her sister, "He said he'd check in later. He wanted to give us some space before he tried to, and I quote, knock some sense into our beautiful but incredibly stubborn heads."
"Breakfast first," Leo insisted with a warning glance towards his wife. "Bagel?" he asked as he turned to Phoebe. She shook her head and looked down uncomfortably at her plate. "Phoebe, you have to eat something. You can't tell me you're not hungry. You haven't eaten for nearly two days. If not for you, then eat for the baby."
"Stop calling it a baby," Piper excitedly said as she slammed down the plate. "It's just a bunch of cells stuck together."
"I guess nothing's changed since last night," Phoebe sadly remarked. "I'm not even sure why I thought it would be," she added as she stood and left the room.
"I thought we discussed this, Piper," Leo grumbled.
Piper looked to Paige and shrugged, "It slipped out." She got the message, though, from her husband's glare and stood, "Phoebe, wait."
Phoebe stopped at the bottom of the steps. "Why?" she sighed. "So that I can listen to you make some more horrible suggestions? Maybe I should take Cole up on his offer and let him take me away from here. You'd certainly never have to worry about me hurting you again. You and Paige would both be free of me," she assured her older sister.
"I don't want you to go," Piper automatically said. Phoebe looked back at her skeptically and she calmly added, "It's true, I don't want you to go. But I won't lie to you. I'm scared, no, I'm terrified now that you're involved again with Cole. We've been down this road before with him and it's never ended well. If you let him back into our lives, you're opening us to all the dangers that he brings with him and we'll only hurt all over again."
Paige joined her sisters in the hallway. "What about all that talk about moving on?" she asked Phoebe. "Didn't you mean it? How could you have so easily changed your mind about him?"
"How could you simply forget about everything Cole's done to us these past few weeks?" Piper added.
Both her sisters spoke so calmly that, surprisingly, Phoebe didn't feel as though they were ganging up on her. Or maybe she was so worn out she simply didn't care. She knew she had to have this talk with them and she supposed now was as good a time as any. She walked past them and into the living room where she sat on the sofa. Her sisters followed and sat opposite her. Phoebe pulled a pillow into her lap and quietly admitted, "I haven't forgotten what Cole's done to us or to that poor woman. What I had forgotten is why it's hurt me so much. Why it's made me so angry."
"I don't understand," Paige said. "He killed someone. He tried to ruin our lives. Of course you should be angry."
"It's more than righteous indignation," Phoebe shook her head. "It shouldn't have had to come to this point," she murmured. "Cole loves me," she explained as she toyed with the edges of the pillow. "He's never made a secret of the fact that he's wanted me back, wanted to start over with me. Start fresh. But I was so hurt and so angry by everything that happened last spring that I've spent the whole time blocking out everything Cole and I ever meant to one another," she admitted. "I thought that if I could keep it buried, it would be over, and it…he wouldn't mean anything to me anymore. That I wouldn't hurt anymore."
"But it worked," Paige declared. "When was the last time you had one of those nightmares? And what about your job? All that publicity and the tons of mail you get? You've been helping so many people. You did put your relationship in the past and moved on. You've even shown interest in other men and cared for them. What about Miles or that Prince guy from the station a while back?"
"You were free of Cole," Piper agreed. "You said so yourself a number of times. So I can't understand how we suddenly find you in bed with him? God, Phoebe, even if it was a one-time only thing, this baby will now tie you to him permanently. We'll never be free of him. You know that, don't you? Cole will never abandon his child. Even I realize that."
"I know," Phoebe quietly acknowledged. "And I know I've disappointed you both once again. You may as well stamp 'eternal screw-up' on my forehead. I suppose I deserve it."
"I don't think you're a screw-up," Piper quietly told her. "I think it's very admirable how far you've come along since your days of shoplifting."
"Excuse me?" Paige asked in surprise.
"Long story," Piper said as she looked at an embarrassed Phoebe. "Sorry, I was teasing." But Phoebe didn't look relieved. "Phoebe, you do know how proud I am of you, don't you?" Phoebe shrugged and she quickly added, "Of course I'm proud of you. We all are. I guess it's just that you act with your heart and that leads you to some poor choices. But it's not the same as being a screw-up. C'mon, what did Prue tell you? She told you the same thing, didn't she?"
"Pretty much," Phoebe admitted as she hugged the pillow and looked down.
"Well there you go," Piper said with a grin, "and you know Prue's always right."
Any other time and Phoebe might have smiled. But the way she felt now simply made her want to cry. She looked back at her older sister and wiped tears from her eyes. "I begged her to let you in," she confessed apologetically, "but it wasn't enough. She said --"
"I know," Piper interrupted, "she couldn't. Leo explained that she's still adjusting and has rules she has to follow."
"I'm so sorry," Phoebe apologized again, "I know how badly you needed to see her."
"But at that moment, you needed her more," Piper told her. "Prue was exactly where she needed to be and I'm okay with it," she realized. "I am okay with it. Besides," she added with a slight smile, "she still knows how to bend the rules." Piper awkwardly reached into her pants pocket and pulled out a note. "Two little words that mean the world to me," she told Phoebe. She saw Phoebe give her a shy smile and she added ironically, "I guess, in some twisted bit of fate, I have you to thank for that."
Paige smiled and stood. "Okay, so, can we get back to breakfast now?"
"But what about Cole?" Piper asked. "Let's say he tells us about this demon and we do vanquish it before your premonition comes even close to coming true. What are you going to do about him? About this baby?"
"I don't know," Phoebe whispered. "I can't change the past and neither can he. And maybe I am understanding more about how we reached this point but I'm not sure where that'll leave us."
"What's to understand?" Paige asked as she sat again. "Cole became the Source, we vanquished him, he came back with new all-powerful powers, and lost his mind. Only now we're stuck with him."
"There's more to it than that," Phoebe answered her younger sister, "and I think you know it. Before Cole came into my life, I tried my best to avoid love. I never thought it was worth the risk of being left alone when that person would inevitably leave me. Instead, I concentrated on having fun. Piper can tell you about the list of guys from New York."
"Long list," Piper confirmed.
"Clay came closest to maybe being something more serious," Phoebe continued, "but he had so much to learn and I had to leave him. Even after I moved back here, how many relationships did I have that lasted more than a few weeks? And then Cole entered my life."
"Something he planned," Paige reminded her when she paused.
Phoebe didn't hear the comment because she was lost in her memories. "Cole was different. He was everything I'd ever thought I'd wanted in a lover. Everything and more. He was exciting and smart and loving and he made me laugh. He was mysterious and dangerous and he challenged me. But he respected me and he gave me everything he had to give of himself and I did the same in return."
"But your relationship was based on a lie," Piper calmly suggested. "Even after you learned the truth about Belthazor, the two of you still had problems. How many times did he betray you?"
"How many times didn't I have enough faith in him?" Phoebe countered.
"How can you say that?" Piper exclaimed. "How many times did he do something that you begged me and Prue to overlook? How many times did you come up with reasons to excuse his actions?"
"How many times did something have to happen to convince me that maybe I was wrong about what he'd done?" Phoebe asked. "How many times did I need proof first before I could believe in him?"
"Just so I'm clear," Paige commented, "are you saying now that Cole never meant to hurt any of us, that he didn't deliberately plan any of it, and we should just forgive him for the hell we've been put through for the past six months?"
Phoebe shook her head, "I'm saying that I'm beginning to understand why Cole's acted the way he did. For so long, he had only me. But all I've wanted to do was forget everything that happened with the Source and the Seer. I never wanted to consider how Cole might've been affected. I never wanted to think about how lost he might be feeling. I never wanted to think about how he might need help too."
"It wasn't your place," Paige commented.
"I was his wife!" Phoebe exclaimed. "I promised to love him and stand by him through good times and bad. But I was so wrapped up in my own pain and anger that I never gave him half a chance to even talk to me about what happened. The woman he loves so completely, the one he's utterly devoted to, turns him away over and over again without so much as blinking. Is it any wonder he's acted so irrationally?"
"You're being too hard on yourself," Piper told her.
Phoebe shook her head, "I'm being realistic. For the first time in a long time, I guess. It's like I've suddenly woken up from one long nightmare and am seeing how things actually are." She looked from one sister to the other, "I don't know where Cole and I go from here. There's so much we have to deal with and I don't know if it's too late to repair the damage but I think I have to try."
"Because of the baby?" Paige asked.
"Because of what we meant to each other," Phoebe clarified. "Because I made a mistake in thinking I alone could simply end things. As for the baby," she shrugged, "truthfully, I don't want to think about it. I don't doubt it's true but I lost a baby eight months ago and I'm not ready to think about going through any of it again."
"But it wasn't --" Piper began.
"No," Phoebe sharply interrupted, "don't say it wasn't a baby. It was. He was. He was conceived with love in spite of Cole's being the Source. He was an innocent and it was a normal pregnancy…until I started taking the tonic."
Surprised, Paige shook her head, "I never heard you talk like this." Phoebe merely shrugged. "Why didn't you talk to us?" Paige asked.
"I didn't think you'd understand," Phoebe quietly answered. "I didn't think I'd be…"
"You'd be what?" Piper questioned. Phoebe didn't answer. "Talk to us now," Piper insisted. "Don't keep it inside. If we're going to get past all this, we really have to learn to be honest about our feelings. If we've hurt you, you have to let us know."
Phoebe shook her head. "It's not that." She paused as she tried to find the right words. "I guess it's just that I didn't think I was allowed to grieve for him. I mean my baby was a demon, the Source, right? And we did what we had to do to save ourselves and thousands, maybe millions, of innocents. What right did I have to be upset that he was gone?"
"I'm sorry," Piper whispered. "I never realized…" Phoebe merely shrugged. "Look, Phoebe, about what happened yesterday --"
"It's okay," Phoebe interrupted, "we were both upset. Maybe it was even good in a way that it happened because now we each know how the other really feels."
"We didn't mean to hurt you," Paige told her.
"And I didn't mean to hurt you," Phoebe responded. "The question is, will we be okay?"
"We've been here before," Piper reminded her, "so maybe we didn't learn our lesson too well."
Phoebe nodded in understanding. "We have to make more of an effort to be honest with each other. Just because we're sisters and love each other doesn't mean we're always going to agree."
"And we do love each other," Piper confirmed.
"That we do," Paige sighed in relief. "So, a pact? From now on," she suggested, "no more keeping things inside. If we're hurt or offended, we talk openly about it. And no attacking the other for feeling differently."
"Agreed," both Phoebe and Piper responded.
"Good," Paige said, satisfied. "Breakfast, now?"
Piper looked at Phoebe. "Breakfast?"
"Breakfast," Phoebe agreed with a nod. "I guess I am pretty hungry after all."
The sisters all smiled and stood.
As he watched them approach, Leo grabbed a drinking glass, threw it towards them and shouted, "Heads up!"
Piper reacted immediately and froze the flying object. "Leo! What the hell'd you do that for?" Leo merely grinned while Paige chuckled. "What is so funny?" she ranted. "Someone could've gotten hurt."
Phoebe plucked the glass from the air and handed it to her older sister. "I think what he's trying to tell you is that the Power of Three is up and running again."
"You could've just asked," Piper grumbled as Leo escorted her to her seat.
"Breakfast was delicious, dear," he complimented as he kissed her on the cheek. "Gotta run."
"I hate it when you do this!" she shouted to the sparkling orb lights.
"I know," his voice echoed before the lights completely disappeared.
"What happens after breakfast?" Phoebe asked her sisters as she slowly filled her plate.
"Paige and I are gonna run to Chinatown for some ingredients we're low on," Piper said as she took a bite of her lukewarm eggs.
"You can come too," Paige quickly said. "We weren't trying to exclude you from our plans."
"It's okay," Phoebe nodded, "I don't really have the energy to go. I think I'll just hang around here for a bit. Do some thinking."
"About Cole?" Piper hesitantly asked.
"He'll want to talk soon enough," Phoebe acknowledged. "He didn't come back, did he?"
Paige shook her head. "I didn't expect him to. He made it seem that it was going to be a couple of days."
Piper saw Phoebe's downcast expression. "Look, Phoebe, there's no point in worrying about any of this until he tells us what he's found out."
"I know, but --" she began.
"But, nothing," Paige decided. "Piper's right. Once we have the information we need, then we'll worry. And then we'll come up with a plan and make sure everything turns out all right."
"I hope so," Phoebe whispered, "because I've got a very bad feeling about it."
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