Chapter Thirty-Two

Cole turned his back to her and stared at the door. But he still closed his eyes when he recalled, "I was five and it was my first assignment. My very own kill. I was so excited and couldn't wait."

"I suppose babies aren't much of a challenge to an adult but to a child..." Phoebe theorized as she rocked her fussing son.

Cole faced her and stepped closer but, instead of stopping by her side, he walked around the bed to the window and stared out at the moonlit night. "Most adult demons ignore babies, magical or otherwise, unless the baby in question is clearly a threat or one of great and valuable power. But, for demon children, babies provide meaningful training exercises. At five, my mother had determined I was ready to take my place in the Underworld. I'd been practicing my powers on some porcelain dolls she'd given me but to finally deal with a live baby...She had a tough time containing my enthusiasm in the two days I had to wait." The baby's cries were getting to him and Cole spun around, "He's too upset, I should go."

"No!" she quickly exclaimed. "You're right, he's probably sensing your feelings, but I think you need to talk about this. Tell me about what happened."

"You don't want to know," he informed her as he finally locked eyes with her. "I can't burden you with this. It wouldn't be fair to you."

"This isn't about me," she stated, "it's about you." Phoebe reached out to him with her free hand, "I want to be here for you the same way you've always been there for me. Please, Cole, let me share this with you and take away some of your burden for a change."

Cole hesitantly stepped towards her, reached for her hand, and brought it to his lips for a tender kiss. "Thank you," he whispered. The baby's cries lowered in volume but, after releasing her hand, Cole remained in his spot. "It was a big house. At least it seemed that way to me. It was night, of course, and the moon was out. I think it was late fall because I remember a large carved pumpkin on the doorstep and questioning my mother."

"Your mother was there?" Phoebe softly interrupted as she continued to rock her son.

"She had to be," he nodded, "for the job. I was something of an anomaly. Very few half...breeds survived in the Underworld but my mother believed in my potential and, for two years, continually appealed on my behalf. And, in spite of her own recent questionable decisions, she was allowed to raise me and supervise my training, at least in the beginning."

"What happened that night?" she asked with interest as she shifted position uncomfortably and tried to suppress a groan.

Cole watched her and nearly moved to help her with the baby but he couldn't bring himself to do so. Not with what he had to confess. After a moment, he continued, "We shimmered into the house, into the parlor. It was very dark and cold, the fire had gone out long before we got there. She told me not to be nervous and I remember getting annoyed with her. I wasn't nervous, not in the least, because I was too excited. From the moonlight shining in, I caught her smile. She patted me on the head and told me to go so I shimmered into the nursery alone. Two children, toddlers really, were in small beds along the back wall. My assignment was the baby in the crib opposite them." Cole suddenly turned back to the window. "I wasn't big enough to see the baby in order to kill it so I had to improvise. I had spied a small stool in the corner of the room but was afraid of making noise and getting caught so I shimmered over to it and then shimmered back to the crib with it. And when I stepped up on it, I was able to look down and see the baby. He, or she, I don't even know, it didn't matter to me, was sleeping and it took two energy balls but the baby never cried out and the other kids never woke up. I rememberI remember being disappointed because it had been too easy. It had been just like practice with the dolls and not very exciting at all. But, the next thing I knew, my mother had me in her arms. I was so surprised because I hadn't sensed her enter the nursery and I never had a problem sensing her."

"She'd been there watching you the whole time," Phoebe murmured. "She wanted to protect you in case something went wrong."

"She was also there to supervise," he reminded her. But he looked wistfully at her and admitted, "She hugged me and kissed me and I knew she was proud of me."

"She loved you," Phoebe softly commented as she kissed her son whose hand flailed at her with annoyance.

"She did," Cole agreed as he faced her again, "in her own way. She pointed out a few of my errors but the mission was a success and that was what mattered. By the time I turned six, I'd killed four other babies, two of them complete solo jobs. By then, I'd impressed others higher than my mother and was never given a baby-assignment again."

"Why now?" she asked as she tried to nurse her son again. But Adam wouldn't have it so she returned to rocking him. Cole stepped closer and helped fasten her gown. She smiled at him but it faded when he stepped back. "Cole, did something happen tonight that brought back these memories for you?"

Cole finally smiled and indicated to his unhappy son, "He happened." But his expression saddened as he tried to explain, "Adam's here. He's real...When you were pregnant, I could hear his heartbeat and see him on the ultrasound and feel him move inside you, but it wasn't the same as it is now."

"He's real," Phoebe nodded with understanding. "It's a bit overwhelming for me too. I look at him, I hold him, I feed him, and I still can't believe it's actually happening, that he's actually here. But it's probably also a normal reaction for any new parent. It's okay to be scared, Cole. This little guy has me terrified."

"This is different...When that nurse told me Adam was missing, I..." Cole's voice broke as he continued, "I thought it was my punishment for what I had done to five other sets of parents over a hundred years ago."

"Cole, no..." Phoebe reached out for him.

Cole shook his head and cleared his throat, "We've had close calls before but todayI thought I'd lost you." He let his fingers lightly stroke her cheek, "And that fear was almost more than I could handle. Seeing you lying there, after what Hasoaf -- honey, that was nothing compared to how I felt when I thought Adam'd been taken. I'm sorry but I...I..."

"Oh, baby," Phoebe whispered as she carefully touched his hand with her free one, "I understand, I honestly do. Remember how I was when the demon attacked before? My heart had stopped and I thought I would die. If Adam hadn't shimmered into my arms when he did..."

Cole suddenly stepped back, out of her reach, and realized, "I was wrong, Phoebe. All those months ago when I told you I would protect you and our baby. I can't keep that promise. I can't protect either of you. Adam's not just a target because of who you are but of who I am. Who I was. And what I did."

"You didn't know any better," she assured him as she lightly rubbed her son's tummy. "You only did what you were trained to do."

"And that excuses me?" he challenged as he spun back to the window.

"To some degree," she considered honestly. "If you'd been an adult and killed those babies for sport, it might be different. But you were a child."

"And what about when I wasn't a child?" he countered. "After Cole Turner knew right from wrong, is he still excused from what he did as Belthazor? When I could have stopped him? When I should have stopped him" She didn't answer and he slowly turned around with glistening eyes, "How do you expect me to hold our son? I shouldn't even touch him." He stepped away.

"Please don't go," she requested but Cole continued walking to the door. "Cole, please, come back, sit with me," she spoke softly but with urgency. She couldn't let him leave in the state he was in. To her relief, he stopped and turned around. She quickly reached out again and spoke above her son's cries, "I love you, Cole. All of you. Please stay."

Cole stared at her for a moment with uncertainty but his heart relented. He grabbed her hand and squeezed it as she tugged him closer. With a heavy sigh, he finally sat down next to her. He gazed down at his son but asked her, "What will he think of his father when he learns the truth? Or of himself when he realizes what I've passed on to him?"

"You've passed on nothing but your love and your strength," Phoebe emphatically stated as she suddenly deposited their squirming and unhappy son into Cole's arms.

Cole didn't have time to protest her actions and quickly, and awkwardly, adjusted his position to accommodate the newborn. "Not fair," he glared at her.

"Life isn't fair," she smugly replied, "deal with it."

His expression softened to amazement when his son, almost immediately, quieted in his arms. "Don't trust me," he whispered to his son.

"Don't ever say that," she angrily demanded. "Maybe I had some problems with how you went about certain things and maybe even some superficial doubts but, deep down, I've always known that you were good. Don't look at me like that. You're a good man, Cole Turner. You know it and I know it and Adam knows it. Look into his eyes," she suggested in a calmer tone as she shifted position and snuggled close to Cole. She gazed up at him and caressed his cheek, "Do you see anything there but pure love? He knows you, Cole, he knows you're his daddy and that you will always love him and protect him."

"I don't want him to pay for my crimes," Cole confessed in a hoarse voice.

Phoebe stretched, kissed his cheek, and assured him, "Baby, you've already paid for Belthazor's crimes and he no longer exists. His past may still be a part of yours, but he's no longer a part of your presentor your future. All thisself-doubt is natural. I'm feeling it too, wondering if I'll be a good enough mother for Adam, if I'll be able to protect him. But we'll be fine because I have faith in us." She lightly squeezed his arm, "Will you promise me something?"

"Anything," he murmured as Adam's hand wrapped around his pinky. The baby yawned and he smiled. "Anything," he repeated.

Phoebe snuggled next to him again and stifled a yawn of her own, "Will you tell me more about your past?"

Surprised, he glanced down at her, "We've always wanted to keep that part of my life separate and definitely in the past."

"It was a mistake," she tiredly sighed as she shifted position to get more comfortable. As Cole carefully wrapped an arm around her, she reached over to her son, placed her hand on his chest, and watched as it moved up and down with each of his content breaths. "He's our future, Cole. If we're going to teach him about who he is and where he's from, we have to be comfortable with it ourselves. There are things in my past that I'm not proud of but that's part of how I came to be me. I want to know more about you, how you came to be you. How you got to be the man I fell in love with."

Cole kissed the top of her head, "I love you, Phoebe, and I love our son, but we're not talking about shoplifting or stealing a sister's boyfriend." He caught her look of surprise and admitted, "Piper filled me in on a couple of your escapades a long time agoI don't want to hurt you with what I've done."

"You won't," she assured him as she watched her son finally fall fast asleep. She lowered her voice, "Your past is in the past, Cole, and I won't think any differently of you, I simply want to share it with you. Whatever you're willing to share."

Cole gave her a grateful smile and he kissed her again. After a moment of companionable silence, he asked, "He really shimmered to you by himself?"

"You said the shield was up so he probably was safe from the demons," Phoebe considered with relief from the way Cole seemed to have finally relaxed, "so I guess he was simply hungryHoney, what's wrong? Are you okay?"

"What if someone had been here?" Cole worried as removed his arm from around her and tightened his hold on his son. The baby opened his eyes but didn't cry and Cole heard her soft giggle and he said with exasperation, "This isn't funny, Phoebe. What if you're in a meeting and he decides he's hungry or if I'm in court and he decides he wants me? What are we going to do about his powers?"

"I'll say we're working on a magic act?" she playfully suggested. But Cole was really bothered and she leaned against him. "We'll figure it out," she quietly told him as she covered her mouth and yawned, "but you know how I feel about binding his powers."

"You know I feel the same way," Cole agreed, "but we may not have any choice. Until we can teach him how to control his powers" Cole realized the baby was staring intently at them and he told his son, "No more shimmering, young man, without permission."

Phoebe giggled, "That's as bad as Darrin telling Tabitha not to twitch." The baby started to fuss and she shifted position slightly. "Don't worry, we'll --"

"Demon alert!" Paige cried out when she suddenly orbed into the room.

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