Disclaimer: The characters, locales, and title of this do not belong to me. Everything Harry Potter-ish belongs to J.K. Rowling and her respective companies, and 'kiss goodbye to reason' belongs to Savage Garden;) 'What you wished for' is from something too, but...er...I don't recall what;D I do own the words in the way in which they are arranged though! Go me.;)
Archive: Like anyone *would* archive;P-just ask first!;)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: The culmation of a lifetime of dreams; the puppies confront their thoughts, along with some things which pose more of a challenge. Part 3/3.
Warning: It's slash. Boy/boy. Remus/Sirius to be precise! You've been warned;)
A/N: Ok...right, so, enjoy, I know it's a long time in the making but I do hope the wait was worth it, and please review-ever notice how the authors who ask for reviews never get them, and the ones who never mention them get hundreds?;D I read that someplace....;) Flame if you like! But please do it in candle form, as I can write by that!
~
Kiss Good Bye To Reason:
Chapter Three; What You Wished For....
It was all, if only slightly, bewildered. The days that followed would in later times blend much together, save for certain hours or moments that would, as they did even then, stand out in memory for a lifetime.
Bewildered because, mostly, of finals. They hit the school like a stone badly skipped, sinking into the centre of conversation and internal angst alike.
Well, into the centre of most angst, at least.
Remus Lupin stared down with glazed view at the parchment in front of him. It said something or another about Charms, and the 1743 discovery of something or another to do with charms. He was sure it did. He'd read the sentence ten times at least in the last thirty minutes, but he was still no much more the wiser to it's details then when he'd begun.
There was, decided Remus, just one person upon whom all these dreams could be blamed, and it was most absolutely not the Sand Man, though he perhaps had something to do with it, even though Remus had read he spent this part of the year in Holland. No, the person to blame was one Sirius Black, and his damned inticing-ness.
And the dreams which came along with it.
What to do? For as the moon drew closer, his nerves grew sharper, in the sense that he felt every shiver of the air, and smelled every wisp of flower and perfume, in the way that the wolf made itself more known in how he moved and the foods he craved-red, rare meats and strange mixtures of drinks and pastas-but in also his concealed but present nervousness at the plans he'd made with Sirius. To discuss dreams, who's ever brilliant idea had that one been?
Oh yes...
"Mine..." Remus whispered to his open book.
"Your what, Remus?" Said the familiar voice of one James Potter. He slid down into the chair next to Remus and glanced up at his friend, "You look a bit out of it. What's up?"
And Remus did. He knew he did; his skin was paler even than normal, and his eyes took on the consistency of someone lost in daydreams, he could feel the ease with which his eyes lost their focus, and pointed him the way to thoughts in which he too quickly, too happily might lose himself.
"Nothing," He said, displeased with how terribly unconvincing his voice sounded.
James straightened up and looked Remus down sternly, "Come now, chap," He said in a startlingly adult manner, "If there's something amiss, you can tell me. I can't promise I'll be of much help, but I'm only too glad to listen,"
Remus felt a cad for what he did next; he never liked to lie, even if it was the smallest of white lies, pale to the extreme, "Thank you, James…" He said, and he meant it, James could tell he did by the softness in his eyes, "But really, it's just this Charms essay. I can't seem to understand it."
For a moment Remus thought that perhaps James hadn't believed him, and his heart rose, it was always easier to apologize for a lie, when no one even believed you in the first place.
James studied him, but Remus-to his own remorse-proved to be too good of an actor.
"Yeah, I didn't know what to make of it, either," And for James to say that about a homework assignment really was something remarkable indeed.
They fell then into a conversation on Charms, and James went over with Remus several of the questions which had posed a problem for him, indeed Remus learned several tricks and tips, but by the end of the session he felt even paler than when they had started, so was the stress of little white lies.
The entire hoax would have gone unspoiled had it not been for one certain astronomically named individual.
Sirius paced unhappily in the dim and empty confines of the fifth year dormitory. This just...wasn't good....
Here it was a few small, tiny, innocent little days away from the big, horrid, dreadful full moon, and here was Sirius freshly disentangled from an attempted nap which went nowhere indeed, pacing nervously and cursing himself for not having had a nice tame dream about Christmas presents or summer times spent swimming lazily in the lake! No! He had to go and have dreams about him, and Remus and…!
"Blast," He muttered, we'll call it here muttering though it was perhaps more spat out, like a badly flavored Bean.
"I'm concerned. You're the second one I've found talking to themselves today, and I must say that it's beginning to frighten the daylights out of me," Said James, as he, silently fuming at his so called 'good-timing', entered the dorm.
Sirius spun about with a great amount of startled grace.
"Blast, James! Blast the blighter to hell!" Said Sirius, speaking of his wretched dream.
"What blighter?"
"Oh...never mind! I'm in a state, here, James, and you're the last hope for me. If you can't fix this then...then...I might as well feed myself to Fluffy!"
"I don't think Hagrid's puppy would want you, Sirius, you're too daft, it flavors the meat, you know,"
"Shut up, James and help me!" Sirius barked.
James by now had seen that a long rant was coming and made himself at home on the edge of his bed.
"Of course, how may I assist?" James said sounding most probably on purpose like someone you might find working in a robes shop.
Sirius took a moment to pace a few more times the length of the room, and then flopped onto the next bed over from James', which ironically belonged to Remus.
"I've a real problem, Jimbo. Don't know how to handle it," Sirius said, still managing a firm grip on his humor, even in the very midst of strife.
"So I gathered. What is it, again, exactly? And you ever call me that again I'll chuck you out the bloody window so fast snitches everywhere will fear for their jobs," James assured, eyes narrowing as he smiled with a bit too much relish.
"Eh," Sirius shrugged, "I might not object just now, even if you could lift me. Scrawny Jamsie." Sirius impressed both James and the angsty little moment by grinning, but it did not last long, quickly fading to memory, "It's...well, I can't tell you exactly what it is, but its Remus. I made a...a sort of plan with him and I don't think I can go through with it, now it's almost time."
"Mm..." James said, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. His eyes lost focus as his mind slipped off into thought, "...I think...I think you'll have to tell Remus you can't go through with it, Sirius. 'S only right."
"But I *want* to go through with it!" Sirius said, leaping up.
"...Then why don't you?"
"Because I can't!" He was back to pacing now.
James thought this entire situation threatened to end up just where it started, and it seemed to want to take the difficult, annoying, painful route there.
James was a good sort; a kind boy and loyal friend, he was the epitome of what a Gryffindor should be, and as such hated to see his best friend in such distress. Even if he didn't know the cause, he wished to put a stop to it, and determined to do so. Soon as he found out what the problem was.
And then suddenly, it clicked.
"Wait a minute….you said Remus is the problem?"
Sirius grunted out what James assumed was an affirmation.
"Mph." James answered, crossing his arms over his chest.
"What?" Sirius said, sounding a bit too desperate for a solution.
"I've just realized Remus is a lot better at Charms than I thought five minutes ago. Bloody wolf."
~
And I dream about you, Padfoot too, and we're running, and he brushes against me and his fur turns into your skin, both tickle me; and I sink into you…and…you kiss me. And I can't tell you! I can't...
It was anything but unusual for Remus to find sleep quite elusive just before the full moon, but he felt certain that tonight's restlessness came not so much from the awakening of the wolf, as from the trouble he faced with Sirius.
Remus lay on his side in bed, blankets an uncomfortable, unnoticed tangle around his body, pulled snuggly up to his chin. He stared; all focus lost, at the dark curtains tight round his bed, stared as if he might see straight passed them, into the dark, and to Sirius.
He lay until the blackness lapped away into an early grey, and lay still, silent and unmoving 'til he heard, so faintly off that he might have imagined it, had he not known it to be real, the pitched trilling of some tiny bird.
And at that, his wake up call, he pushed the sheets away, and swung his legs out into the cold air, planting his feet, bare, onto the stone floor.
Remus watched for one moment Sirius' bed, and then shook his head.
"You're being silly," He told himself, as he gathered his robes and assorted clothes, and went off to find the warm bath he knew, as it did every morning, was waiting for him to pour it out.
Breakfast was made warm that morning, tailored to suit perfectly the autumn chill that had settled for the time being into the air surrounding the great old school.
All around the Great Hall could be heard the slurps and quiet ringing of soups being devoured or hot chocolates being stirred.
Sirius, who normally had the appetite of two boys his age, sat with his second helpings lying untouched before him. His nerves had allowed him only one plate of food this morning.
"So what are we doing tonight?" Asked James over a mouthful of porridge.
He looked up as Sirius started; unfixing his eyes from the Great Hall doors, where they had been looking ever since he'd finished refilling his plate.
"Uh...right. The moon," Sirius said, trying to get his attention back under control and give at least some of it over to James, "Well, I think we're gonna have to ask Moony. He um...I think...he wanted to do something particular or...or something."
"Oh? Really?" James said, peering up with all the keen intelligence which he always had. He sat up quite straight and pushed his glasses farther up along the bridge of his nose.
"Er...really?" Sirius answered.
"Where is Remus?" Peter said and both James and Sirius started; their fourth friend had been so quiet they'd nearly forgotten he was there.
"Maybe he went for an early breakfast again, he's been doing that lately," Said James.
"It's 'cause of the moon...he gets hungry more," Sirius explained. And that was they, to a T. James always noticed things, noticed so much about people and instances, just like this, just like how Remus had been taking breakfast earlier lately, he saw the little things so clearly, that sometimes Sirius wondered if he had spies out working for him.
And Sirius himself, well, he was always the one who, especially when it came to Remus, knew the details; gave the explanations as to why the werewolf did what he did. Whether it was from simple guess work, or from Remus himself telling Sirius, the dark haired boy unarguably had an eerie knack for being spot on with his assumptions.
And Peter....was quiet. Unnoticed, something akin to a keystone in a wall, in the sense that, it's much like every other stone around it, and no one takes particular notice of it, unless they look quite closely to it's slightly different shape, it's almost odd placement, the same as every rough grey stone around it, but somehow completing the wall with it's quiet presence. That was Peter Pettigrew. That was the fourth, not any other number, just the fourth one of them.
"There he is," Peter added, glancing across the Hall to where Remus snuck in between the thick oak doors.
The change in Sirius was more than noticeable, he near immediately began acting very, very...casual.
"Hallo, Remus," James said at the same time Peter said "Hi,"
"Morning…Remus," Sirius said, as Remus slid in beside Peter, but, thinking his greeting lacked a certain pizzazz which would normally be present he amended it with, "Morning! Sleep well?"
Remus gave him a half quizzical smile, "Fine, Sirius…"
"Oh...good," Lame! Sirius chided himself, that was, possibly, the worst you've ever been at, Black. Now, snap out of it and be the charming devil you know you are. Right.
"Right," Echoed James as he began to stand, "I'm off, you lot."
"Study date?" Peter said, puckering his lips into a horrible looking kiss and making strange smacking noises in James' direction.
"If you must know, Mr. Pettigrew," and here James lost his adult manner entirely and grinned, "Yes! Have fun with your…porridge," And off he went to meet with a certain Lily Evans.
"We will! We'll grow big and strong and you, Potter will be a scrawny Seeker always," Called Sirius dramatically, and then, stuck his tongue out at James who'd, as he later explained to a snickering Remus, 'done it first'.
It was barely any time after when Peter slurped ungracefully down the last bit of his porridge and toast, and began to rise in a nervous fashion.
"What's up, Pete? You don't have a hot study session too, do you?" Asked a smiling Sirius.
"No! I mean...I have to finish my...charms essay..." Peter offered a very weak smile, "See you in Potions," And left, his parting comment aimed more to Remus, with whom he shared a cauldron in the dungeon centric class.
"He's being a daft one today," Sirius said, suddenly very aware at how alone he and Remus were, despite all the Gryffindors still lingering over their breakfast around them.
"Mmm, he must just be worried he won't finish," Remus said, staring determinedly down at his hands.
Sirius couldn't help a smile, "Remus...?" He swallowed deeply and felt the lump in his throat sink disconcertingly into his stomach.
"Yes, Sirius?" Remus dared to raise his eyes, though not his head, and Sirius thought him gorgeous in that moment, with his bangs in his eyes, and his eyes themselves raw and wolfen thanks to the coming moon.
Sirius forgot what he was going to say…he had already opened his mouth, but all that came out was a small sound, almost like an exhale.
Remus turned his eyes down again, trying unsuccessfully to rid himself of a blush.
"Yes, Sirius...?" He said again, amusement in his voice.
"Uh....Juh-James wanted to know what we're up to...tonight?" Sirius said, shaking his head and attempting to refocus his attention to the matter at hand.
Come on, Black! Cut it out! Sirius scolded himself harshly.
"The same thing we do every moon, Paddy." Remus said affectionately, and in doing gave Sirius his turn to hide his face.
This was it, the moment of truth, the beat all, do all moment of utter and complete nerves. And Sirius, being the headstrong boy every Gryffindor should be, forged ahead with the hesitation of one only who wants to be sure that what they're doing is truly good and right.
And...of course, it was.
"Moony....um...didn't we...I mean....are we still on for…you know. Tonight." Sirius didn't meet his companion's eyes; he didn't think he would have been able to, even if he had possessed the courage, he knew how Remus would look, and he didn't think if he saw him being so beautiful in his surprise he could resist saying just that to Remus. That he was beautiful when he was himself.
Remus' turn to gape came just then, and though the boys heart pounded, and though his mind told him it would be foolish to agree, because it would, inevitably, lead to the telling of dreams which were far better left untold, though later on, when this moment of pleased surprise had passed he would be entirely comprised of nerves, though all of that and more feelings which here are unable to be voiced, for the simple extent that words would do them not the justice they deserve, despite it, Remus said:
"Yes...of course we are, Sirius. I mean if you..."
"I do!"
"Oh. Good..."
"Good."
A pause.
"I suppose..."
"Yeah," Sirius said, scratching at the back of his head, "To potions, eh?"
"Yes." Remus smiled, and for the first time in their entire conversation, they met each other's eyes.
"Let's give Lucius hell today," Sirius grinned his wickedest grin.
And was rewarded with Remus' laugh.
"Dung Bombs at the ready, Sir,"
~
The moon rose red from fires in the East, and it cast its shadow as a candle to a darkened room.
Remus would have found it pleasing, even despite his transformation; since his three dearest friends had taken up the idea to become Animagi his full-moons hadn't been so bad as they once were. Still bad and he didn't ever truly let them know how bad, but an improvement.
Tonight though, Remus saw no great and hulking moon, noticed none of those things which a boy given leave to wander in a summer's evening would.
His mind planted firmly elsewhere; firmly upon Sirius.
~
A night of amazements laid itself ahead of Sirius and Remus, the first of which it must be admitted was the fact that Sirius found himself to be in the Gryffindor Common Room-dark hair, blue eyes, nerves and all.
Amazed by his own courage, Sirius had begun to move over to where Remus sat, reading a book in an overly large chair nearest to one of the side tables. He looked warm, and contented, and Sirius hated to interrupt him, but somehow, somewhere in him, didn't think Remus would hate it at all.
As Sirius drew closer, he could see the details of Moony more clearly, could have read the binding of his book, had Remus not been holding it in his lap so, could make out the lighter sections of the werewolf's hair, and the dim colour in his cheeks, there surely only from the heat of the fire.
Sirius was, amazingly, breathless.
Perhaps there are just too many reasons why Sirius was so struck, a great too-many to tell, but perhaps a try shall be attempted in any case.
Partly Sirius could not-without great difficulty-find it in himself to ignore the way Remus looked just then; the lighting in the common room was faint on that evening and the shadows with which it painted Remus' skin was to Sirius as mesmerizing, almost but not quite, as Remus' skin itself.
Like an angel, swept through his head, clichéd words that to him had never been spoken more truthfully.
Partly his jaw dropped for, at that moment, inexplicably, Remus turned away from his book and looked up at Sirius, finding him as though he'd known he would be there all along.
Sirius quickly pulled up the rest of the way, and settled himself onto the end of the side table, leaning forward on his elbows, mouth slightly gaping; he searched for what he wanted to say.
The common room was empty, it was the two of them only; almost all of the Gryffindors had went to watch what was supposed to be a particularly riveting Quidditch practice, it was rumored the Ravenclaws had been scheduled for tonight as well, and of course, everyone just knew something was going to come of it.
Everyone but Remus, who was friendly with several Ravenclaws; he'd told James he had it on good authority that nothing was going to take place, and that James shouldn't be getting so worked up.
"But," James had said, "I'm Quidditch captain, it's my job to get worked up!"
Which is why the common room was empty-because James had a way of getting a lot of people worked up, too.
Which is why Remus was down here reading-because he liked the calm, the quiet, and sometimes, he needed it before the moon.
Which is why Sirius was there. Because he needed to talk to Moony alone.
It struck Remus' like a bludger to the head suddenly that he, in this entire long pause of thought, hadn't said a single word.
They both started at once, coming to the same conclusion at the same moment. They both began to speak.
"I-"
"Sir-"
Sirius ducked his head and grinned, "Go on,"
"No, you go,"
Great. "It's just...I was only going to ask...I mean, we have a...a sort of date for tonight-a meeting, to...but we never said when?"
"I guess...it's true we didn't make any real plans for when, did we?" Remus was struggling to keep his smile stifled; date....
"Guess we didn't," Sirius answered, scratching nervously at the back of his head.
Pause. Hearts pound.
"Shall we?"
"Alright,"
A longer pause.
"It seems silly we don't just tell each other our dreams now," Remus spoke, as he was so often known to do, with a startling amount of practicality.
"You mean..." A gesture around to the empty common room more than explained Sirius' uncertainty on the matter.
Remus nodded once, and then smiled.
Sirius admitted to himself that it did seem silly to make an arrangement for the both of them to meet up someplace later tonight, when they unwittingly already had.
The insides of him still protested though; he wasn't prepared; he didn't know what to do or say. He would have to run on instinct. As Remus already was. It was only right.
It was a good few hours before the moon rose fully, and Remus would have to trudge down to the Willow; now there was only the ghost of the moon present, stray glimpses caught past fog and beyond tree line.
And yet...
It's only fair, were the last thoughts to flit through Sirius' mind before he spoke.
"Are you ready?" Sirius was nestling himself in the oversized chair just across from Remus, just in front of the fireplace.
Remus nodded, and closed his book, placing it onto the table beside him.
"Who should go first?" The light boy asked of the dark. Of his comrade.
"I will," Sirius hadn't been sure if this answer was the right one to give, but as he saw the relief well in Remus' eyes. He felt true to it, and happy.
"I...well I dream about a lot of stuff, normal dreamy-things, I guess," He shifted, "But I guess that lately I've been dreaming of...funny things; different I mean. You know," Damn! But how did Remus manage to sit so still? To be so inexpressibly, disgruntlingly, calm? "Like...like being Padfoot and running in the woods, and normal stuff like winning the Quidditch Trophy or the House Cup. Or I have dreams..." He averted his eyes to the fireplace,"About...you," He shifted.
Remus came quickly into focus. He had been of course listening, but his thoughts for a moment had run the course of this:
I can't tell him, really. Look at what Sirius dreams; he'll hate me if I tell him...tell him the truth of mine.
But now the words which Sirius had said brought him back with a most difficult landing.
"About me?" Remus' voice was all uncertainty. Perhaps this would be easier; perhaps he would be able to tell Sirius; perhaps they dreamt of the same things; or, the cold voice said to Remus, perhaps he knows what you dream…and is placating you.
No!
"Yes…" Sirius spoke, nerves and worry and apprehension moving through, to find a place to linger in his features.
"What...about me?" Remus felt his heart might burst it beat so fast against his chest.
"I..." No choice now, Black; go on, be a Gryffindor, you git, "We're sometimes animals, and sometimes we're ourselves; there's this house, I guess it's mine, I'm in it or around it lots,"
The wolf came quietly forward and sat upon its haunches, watching this: what transpired between the humans.
"And sometimes, when you're Remus, you come downstairs and sit with me, and we drink tea, or play chess or..." Sirius swallowed deeply, but it did not aid his nerves nor rid him of his fear.
Remus, by now entirely enraptured, felt his eyes as they widened and felt his voice, rather than heard it, tremble through his throat to the quick, clean lines of the air.
"Or, Padfoot?"
"Or you kiss me," Sirius dropped his eyes, quite intent on never raising them again.
"We...we kiss?" Remus was too happy for words, though, even if Sirius had found the bravery to look up, very little of it seemed to show on the surface. It was, Remus thought, a better kind of happiness than all that.
Sirius chanced the risk of compounding the situation further and opened his mouth again to speak:
"...Sometimes, Moony, when I wake up, I wish I hadn't. I mean, sometimes I wish...that it was real and true. That we lived with each other, that you would kiss me,"
But Remus heard none of this; it was a faint murmur from some other lifetime to him, for a moment before the wolf had grown restless of waiting.
A pain rushed through Remus' gut, and he doubled over in his chair to hold the stomach that so grieved him.
"Remus? Remus! Moony, oh damn!" Sirius was on the floor at his chair side instantly.
"Moony, what's wrong?"
"It's the moon! It's risen early!" Remus' voice was panicked; Sirius hadn't ever heard him in that way.
He still sat crumpled in the chair, Sirius more alarmed than I rightly could express-his face bloodless and his stomach empty, if you understand my meaning- beside him.
"Come on, we've got to get you to the Shack!" Sirius barked, finally regaining control of himself, finally regaining control of his feet, he hurriedly stood and trying as he did so to move Remus from his fetal position in the velvet chair.
"No!" Remus growled, and he looked up at Sirius with yellow eyes, primal emotions tucked behind them, he let out a long breath; it wheezed toward the end and sounded tight and painful, "There isn't enough time,"
Now Sirius was truly struck with the danger of this; anyone could enter the room at any moment and become fodder for the wolf, for Remus himself was rapidly fading.
"The dorms!" Remus let out a horrible scream.
Sirius quickly gathered his wits.
He rushed Remus from his chair, and though the other boy tried to respond and to aid him, he was too in pain to do much of anything.
Sirius picked him up and carried him.
The stairway posed only a heartbeat's worth of a problem. Adrenaline had taken hold of Sirius Black, and he took the steps two at a time.
He held Remus tight as they entered the dorm together; he had never been this close; he had never been so scared, nor so reluctant to let go of Remus.
But, the same, he did, and running to the door locked it with a satisfying 'thunk-clunk', himself still inside the room.
~
For all the transformations which Sirius, James, and Peter had been a part, they hadn't ever seen Remus' actual change. He would not allow it. They would see the agony if he did, they would see that Remus was scared, even still, by it, and he didn't want them to show him pity or to realize what it truly meant, and to hate him. For so young a boy, he had seen far too much of that already.
But Sirius was here now, bunched by the door; watching.
The wolf knew this, registered this, but didn't particularly care, shrugging it off without use of his shoulders, as wolves sometimes do.
Remus writhed on the floor some feet away of Sirius, and though he tried not to move, to make it look less than what it was, he knew he still was a sight.
He began to cry.
"Remus?" Sirius crawled forward, his palms and knees scraping the cold floor, his robe getting tangled in with his legs.
"Sirius...oh, Sirius, go!" Remus said between spasming breathes, one of the moments when the wolf was not present.
Sirius looked up at the window; a cloud lay in front of the moon.
"Go!" Remus growled.
"No! Remus...I want to be with you!"
"Sirius..." The cloud began to move. Remus cried out loud, twisting abnormally against the stone ground.
Sirius' first instinct was to hold him, to comfort his friend…
I cannot rightly describe it, this second; Remus looked up, and caught Sirius' gaze, at the same instant Sirius looked down, and was amazed at the colour his comrades eyes had become. Remus reached out, and struck his hand over Sirius', who turned his palm upward. They embraced like this, eyes and hands clasping, and it was embracing. And it was simple.
"Inside my dreams," Remus murmured, and he pushed Sirius heavily back; the boy slid across the floor and into a trunk by the base of one of the beds, its contents scattering. When Sirius looked up, came to, he was ten feet from where Remus sat, no longer Remus.
~
The rest of the night was spent as Padfoot and Moony; whose nickname, to Sirius, no longer sounded so amusing.
It was a struggle for the dog to explain why there would be no pack this time, and why the wolf could not leave the bed filled room.
The wolf had never held a grudge or ill-feeling towards Padfoot before, but this time he did seem resentful of being caged away in the unfamiliar room. The moon was strong, and the woods pulled at the wolf with equal command as Padfoot asking him to stay.
The hours passed with relative calm; the wolf now investigating Sirius' bed.
It was an indescribably good thing that Moony was distracted, and seemed relatively pleased with Sirius' pillow which the wolf now lay upon inhaling deeply whatever scent was there.
It was an indescribably good thing, because it was then that the two people Padfoot hadn't given a thought to that evening decided to return to their dorm.
"I-it's locked!" Peter's voice squeaked.
"What?" James, "Sirius." The door handle rattled, "Ohh, he's going to pay for this one!"
Padfoot could practically hear James rubbing his palms together wickedly.
He looked over his shoulder at Moony, who was staring at the door with red-eyed interest; head cocked slightly to his side.
Bugger, thought Padfoot.
~
Tack, tack, tack. His nails hit the floor as he trotted over to the door.
He had to figure out a way to let both James and Peter know it wasn't Sirius playing a trick on them, locking the door, but it was Sirius desperately trying to save Moony, and them, who had done it. And to complete the puzzler, he had to do this all as Padfoot.
Right. First thing was first; let them know you're here. He let out several sharp barks in quick succession.
"Maybe we should A-Alohomora-"
"Shh! Peter, hear that? Padfoot's in there!"
There was a silence for a few moments as the two young Gryffindors listened; ears pressed firmly to the door. Padfoot made it a point to bark again in the midst of the quiet.
Moony, with interest in his eyes, slipped down from the bed.
"Yeah: yeah! That's Padfoot, no doubt about it. Right," James. He pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose as he leaned back away from the door.
Padfoot knew that voice of James'.
"We've got to get him out of there, he must be trapped and he obviously can't change back to Sirius or he would have unlocked himself by now."
Bugger! Padfoot whined.
Things didn't seem to be going exactly as he'd planned. And Moony was looking increasingly curious about who was on the other side of the door. They smelled like pack, but they also smelled disconcertingly of human.
The handle was rattled again.
Padfoot, half from instinct and half from fright, began barking in earnest; quick, loud thumps of voice; he tried to keep the panic out of them, tried to make his voice say 'go', but it become evident to Padfoot that he'd done the wrong thing as he heard James' muffled reply:
"He sounds like he's in trouble- we have to get this open,"
"My wands in there!" Peter. Frightened.
"Mine's not,"
Padfoot did something then that was either terribly brave or very, very foolish. As is often the case, the two can be quite easily confused. But whichever it was, James forever after referred to it as something 'quite Gryffindor'. Padfoot changed back into Sirius.
"James! Go! Go! Moony's in here- Moony!" Sirius shouted against the door.
All movement on the other side stopped and all that transpired went in slow motion.
Sirius felt the low growl of Moony behind him, felt the scraping of sharp virgin claws on rough stone. Moony'd never made a kill; maybe a rabbit, maybe. Never a human. The wolf was in full bloom and ready to change all that now; ready to taste this intruders flesh.
Sirius heard James' cursing and his shouts; James did not get any answer, Sirius turned to see the large, dark wolf coming too quickly at him. In it, there was no Remus to be seen.
His legs went out from under him: forward and up, he watched them momentarily in midair and his back hit the stone floor, his head being the last of him to reach it.
There was a sharp noise which sounded painful, and which 'til later Sirius did not realize was from his own skull colliding with granite.
There was a dull throb, behind his eyes and he smelled lupine very near to him, and then Sirius did something he could not help – he passed out.
~
It was very light out, and it agitated Sirius' eyes as he opened them; it was that sort of light. The kind people with headaches hope never to be in direct contact with again, yet always to seem to find.
For Sirius, whose luck always had seemed fickle to him, it was not a simple headache which ailed him, but a body-ache.
He closed his eyes again.
Then he quickly sprang them open in a double take and looked up. Remus' quiet face was above him, watching him with a heavy sort of concern.
He was stroking Sirius' head, which lay in his lap.
Sirius wondered what happened to Remus' clothing when he changed for he did not see him remove them, and wondered if Remus had taken the time to put shorts on but could not tell and did not linger on the thought for long. His mind still muddled.
"Are you alright, Sirius?"
"Me? Never been...ow, better," Sirius moved to sit up. He noticed with resigned acceptance that Remus had a sheet wrapped 'round him. A bloodied sheet.
"Jeezuhs, Moony, are you ok?" His voice was laced in worry.
Remus smiled softly, "I'm fine. You...why did you change back? I...I could have..." The honey haired boy looked down at his pale hands, stained only with the blood of himself.
"James-James and Peter were trying to unlock the door and I...I-"
"You didn't want me to kill them so you put your own life in danger? Oh, Padfoot," Remus whispered.
"But you didn't hurt anyone! Not me-" Sirius made a show of patting himself down and resolutely refused to wince. He was bruised from his rough fall and was achy but otherwise still Sirius, "And not James or Peter or anyone, Moony."
"But I could have! Or even if I only bit you; Sirius...don't you know...what would happen if I...so much as broke your skin?!" Remus demanded; his hands were shaking badly- after the strain of full moons, Remus wasn't used to facing another strain such as this, and he struggled to keep his temper, emotions and deep, slow breathes in control.
Sirius looked at him without so much of a befuddled mind now, more of reality coming into focus; Remus was right, Sirius all too easily could have been killed-or worse, according to Remus. He didn't in fact know why he wasn't.
He looked at Remus, who sat in front of him on the chilled floor, the white sheet folded across his lap; it looked almost the same as his skin, nearly just as pale, and just as blood stained.
The werewolf's light hair hung limply against his face. He looked down.
"If...I was a werewolf, we could worry James together, the daft bovine," Sirius said, scared by how shaky his voice came out.
Pause.
Remus, as though he had been waiting for just such a reason, any good excuse, burst out in a fit of frightened laughter and tears; he shook more visibly now, and his smile was half grimace.
"It's alright, Moony; I'm fine," Sirius said softly, worriedly, he began to reach forward but stopped himself before his callused hand had even left the stonework.
"It can't ever happen again, Sirius." Remus, dampness in his golden eyes, looked up and met the Black's certain gaze.
Remus's eyes are almost the same colour as the wolf's, Sirius thought to himself, Oh, but they are so different.
"It didn't happen, it was fine, we're all out of it; you and me, Moony. We faced it and we won, because that's-"
"-What we do," Remus finished the sentence which Sirius would often quote to him; he let himself smile just slightly, tears drying up, "But it can't ever get that close again," He continued, more than just a bit to himself.
Sirius didn't know what to answer; he couldn't promise it wouldn't ever happen again, because that would mean promising to not be with Remus just whenever it was a bit risky. He wouldn't promise that, wouldn't even say maybe to it. It raised his fur, so to speak, and in his mind he refused-risk or no, when he was needed he would be there. When Remus needed him.
He hoped Remus wouldn't notice the abrupt change of subject he was about to inflict:
"I suppose we should tell James and Pete that we're ok, huh?" Sirius asked, scratching at the back of his head, his black hair splaying out at funny angles.
Sirius and Remus froze for a moment, watching each other.
There they were, alone, having just been through such a tumultuous situation together, one which was nearly intimate in its closeness and obscurity. It wasn't everyday Remus let people be with him when he changed; in fact it was never, aside from the first time with his parents. But never again after. Sirius was the first.
And it wasn't every day that Sirius Black felt comfortable enough to never move a muscle again; normally he couldn't move and bounce enough to ever satisfy his antsy ness.
Remus sensed it, too, and smiled when Sirius sidled over to sit close beside of him.
"Are you ok, Moony? Really?" He asked with concern and hope and something else which Remus was scared to define.
"I'm good, Sirius," Remus' hands had stopped shaking by now-all of him had. Considerably calmer, though his nerves were beginning to find him for an entirely different reason, Remus, emboldened by the moon still plump in the dawn sky, reached across the inches, an immeasurably long distance covered in an instant, and put his hand across Sirius'.
Sirius looked up with surprise, turning his palm to clutch at Remus' fingers.
"Sirius," It was more a breath than his name. Remus looked down shyly, "Do you know...why?"
Sirius blinked. "Why what, Moony, dear?"
Dear! A thrill sped through him even as his nerves told him to be afraid, and his voice told him; you're doing something life changing here.
"Do you know why you're…alive?" Remus. All seriousness and calmness now, to his companion's eyes, "I told you I'd tell you my dreams last night. I'm afraid I've failed you, Sirius. Will you accept my dreams now, instead?"
Gaping. Grinning. "Of course!" Grateful.
A blush, and a swallow, and a gathering of courage.
"The wolf stopped, because it recognized you from my dreams, Sirius. Because it knew you."
"Do you mean..." Hopeful eyes. Beautiful eyes.
Remus nodded calmly, heart pounding in his ears, "My dreams are about you, Sirius," Now. Tell him now, "Sometimes we're ourselves," He brought his voice higher from just a whisper, to something filled with inspiration and reminiscence, "And sometimes we're our other selves. But you're there beside me and it simply doesn't matter who we are. We run the hills I dream about, or talk for what seems to be lifetimes...live together, Padfoot. Or...we kiss," He stopped abruptly to see Sirius response. His free hand shook.
A warm palm touched his cheek softly, and an awed voice rejoined him with; "The same dreams....for so long...and we never even knew."
Remus leaned into the touch, as Sirius himself came forward, eyes indescribably affectionate, "At least we know now, Padfoot."
James and Peter forgotten, Sirius and Remus in happy amazement at the quiet, pale sight of one another.
"Remus...do you...believe in dreams coming true?"
A smile, "I do. I'd always hoped they would."
A wolf dream. Hm.
Sometimes we run, and sometimes we just play Wizards chess. Sometimes we go to the Shrieking Shack even when it isn't a full moon. And often times, we'll kiss. We fall in the grass, and Sirius is the night and the sun, the moon, the air and everything at once. And...then we'll roll over, curl beside each other, tangled, limp, breaths quick and happy. And we'll close our eyes, and start to dream.
-Finis-
A/N2: Howdy! Hope you enjoyed!;) Please review! Sirius is dying for a biscuit, and I think a review would tide him over 'til supper (Remus doesn't want him to spoil his apetite);)
Archive: Like anyone *would* archive;P-just ask first!;)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: The culmation of a lifetime of dreams; the puppies confront their thoughts, along with some things which pose more of a challenge. Part 3/3.
Warning: It's slash. Boy/boy. Remus/Sirius to be precise! You've been warned;)
A/N: Ok...right, so, enjoy, I know it's a long time in the making but I do hope the wait was worth it, and please review-ever notice how the authors who ask for reviews never get them, and the ones who never mention them get hundreds?;D I read that someplace....;) Flame if you like! But please do it in candle form, as I can write by that!
~
Kiss Good Bye To Reason:
Chapter Three; What You Wished For....
It was all, if only slightly, bewildered. The days that followed would in later times blend much together, save for certain hours or moments that would, as they did even then, stand out in memory for a lifetime.
Bewildered because, mostly, of finals. They hit the school like a stone badly skipped, sinking into the centre of conversation and internal angst alike.
Well, into the centre of most angst, at least.
Remus Lupin stared down with glazed view at the parchment in front of him. It said something or another about Charms, and the 1743 discovery of something or another to do with charms. He was sure it did. He'd read the sentence ten times at least in the last thirty minutes, but he was still no much more the wiser to it's details then when he'd begun.
There was, decided Remus, just one person upon whom all these dreams could be blamed, and it was most absolutely not the Sand Man, though he perhaps had something to do with it, even though Remus had read he spent this part of the year in Holland. No, the person to blame was one Sirius Black, and his damned inticing-ness.
And the dreams which came along with it.
What to do? For as the moon drew closer, his nerves grew sharper, in the sense that he felt every shiver of the air, and smelled every wisp of flower and perfume, in the way that the wolf made itself more known in how he moved and the foods he craved-red, rare meats and strange mixtures of drinks and pastas-but in also his concealed but present nervousness at the plans he'd made with Sirius. To discuss dreams, who's ever brilliant idea had that one been?
Oh yes...
"Mine..." Remus whispered to his open book.
"Your what, Remus?" Said the familiar voice of one James Potter. He slid down into the chair next to Remus and glanced up at his friend, "You look a bit out of it. What's up?"
And Remus did. He knew he did; his skin was paler even than normal, and his eyes took on the consistency of someone lost in daydreams, he could feel the ease with which his eyes lost their focus, and pointed him the way to thoughts in which he too quickly, too happily might lose himself.
"Nothing," He said, displeased with how terribly unconvincing his voice sounded.
James straightened up and looked Remus down sternly, "Come now, chap," He said in a startlingly adult manner, "If there's something amiss, you can tell me. I can't promise I'll be of much help, but I'm only too glad to listen,"
Remus felt a cad for what he did next; he never liked to lie, even if it was the smallest of white lies, pale to the extreme, "Thank you, James…" He said, and he meant it, James could tell he did by the softness in his eyes, "But really, it's just this Charms essay. I can't seem to understand it."
For a moment Remus thought that perhaps James hadn't believed him, and his heart rose, it was always easier to apologize for a lie, when no one even believed you in the first place.
James studied him, but Remus-to his own remorse-proved to be too good of an actor.
"Yeah, I didn't know what to make of it, either," And for James to say that about a homework assignment really was something remarkable indeed.
They fell then into a conversation on Charms, and James went over with Remus several of the questions which had posed a problem for him, indeed Remus learned several tricks and tips, but by the end of the session he felt even paler than when they had started, so was the stress of little white lies.
The entire hoax would have gone unspoiled had it not been for one certain astronomically named individual.
Sirius paced unhappily in the dim and empty confines of the fifth year dormitory. This just...wasn't good....
Here it was a few small, tiny, innocent little days away from the big, horrid, dreadful full moon, and here was Sirius freshly disentangled from an attempted nap which went nowhere indeed, pacing nervously and cursing himself for not having had a nice tame dream about Christmas presents or summer times spent swimming lazily in the lake! No! He had to go and have dreams about him, and Remus and…!
"Blast," He muttered, we'll call it here muttering though it was perhaps more spat out, like a badly flavored Bean.
"I'm concerned. You're the second one I've found talking to themselves today, and I must say that it's beginning to frighten the daylights out of me," Said James, as he, silently fuming at his so called 'good-timing', entered the dorm.
Sirius spun about with a great amount of startled grace.
"Blast, James! Blast the blighter to hell!" Said Sirius, speaking of his wretched dream.
"What blighter?"
"Oh...never mind! I'm in a state, here, James, and you're the last hope for me. If you can't fix this then...then...I might as well feed myself to Fluffy!"
"I don't think Hagrid's puppy would want you, Sirius, you're too daft, it flavors the meat, you know,"
"Shut up, James and help me!" Sirius barked.
James by now had seen that a long rant was coming and made himself at home on the edge of his bed.
"Of course, how may I assist?" James said sounding most probably on purpose like someone you might find working in a robes shop.
Sirius took a moment to pace a few more times the length of the room, and then flopped onto the next bed over from James', which ironically belonged to Remus.
"I've a real problem, Jimbo. Don't know how to handle it," Sirius said, still managing a firm grip on his humor, even in the very midst of strife.
"So I gathered. What is it, again, exactly? And you ever call me that again I'll chuck you out the bloody window so fast snitches everywhere will fear for their jobs," James assured, eyes narrowing as he smiled with a bit too much relish.
"Eh," Sirius shrugged, "I might not object just now, even if you could lift me. Scrawny Jamsie." Sirius impressed both James and the angsty little moment by grinning, but it did not last long, quickly fading to memory, "It's...well, I can't tell you exactly what it is, but its Remus. I made a...a sort of plan with him and I don't think I can go through with it, now it's almost time."
"Mm..." James said, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. His eyes lost focus as his mind slipped off into thought, "...I think...I think you'll have to tell Remus you can't go through with it, Sirius. 'S only right."
"But I *want* to go through with it!" Sirius said, leaping up.
"...Then why don't you?"
"Because I can't!" He was back to pacing now.
James thought this entire situation threatened to end up just where it started, and it seemed to want to take the difficult, annoying, painful route there.
James was a good sort; a kind boy and loyal friend, he was the epitome of what a Gryffindor should be, and as such hated to see his best friend in such distress. Even if he didn't know the cause, he wished to put a stop to it, and determined to do so. Soon as he found out what the problem was.
And then suddenly, it clicked.
"Wait a minute….you said Remus is the problem?"
Sirius grunted out what James assumed was an affirmation.
"Mph." James answered, crossing his arms over his chest.
"What?" Sirius said, sounding a bit too desperate for a solution.
"I've just realized Remus is a lot better at Charms than I thought five minutes ago. Bloody wolf."
~
And I dream about you, Padfoot too, and we're running, and he brushes against me and his fur turns into your skin, both tickle me; and I sink into you…and…you kiss me. And I can't tell you! I can't...
It was anything but unusual for Remus to find sleep quite elusive just before the full moon, but he felt certain that tonight's restlessness came not so much from the awakening of the wolf, as from the trouble he faced with Sirius.
Remus lay on his side in bed, blankets an uncomfortable, unnoticed tangle around his body, pulled snuggly up to his chin. He stared; all focus lost, at the dark curtains tight round his bed, stared as if he might see straight passed them, into the dark, and to Sirius.
He lay until the blackness lapped away into an early grey, and lay still, silent and unmoving 'til he heard, so faintly off that he might have imagined it, had he not known it to be real, the pitched trilling of some tiny bird.
And at that, his wake up call, he pushed the sheets away, and swung his legs out into the cold air, planting his feet, bare, onto the stone floor.
Remus watched for one moment Sirius' bed, and then shook his head.
"You're being silly," He told himself, as he gathered his robes and assorted clothes, and went off to find the warm bath he knew, as it did every morning, was waiting for him to pour it out.
Breakfast was made warm that morning, tailored to suit perfectly the autumn chill that had settled for the time being into the air surrounding the great old school.
All around the Great Hall could be heard the slurps and quiet ringing of soups being devoured or hot chocolates being stirred.
Sirius, who normally had the appetite of two boys his age, sat with his second helpings lying untouched before him. His nerves had allowed him only one plate of food this morning.
"So what are we doing tonight?" Asked James over a mouthful of porridge.
He looked up as Sirius started; unfixing his eyes from the Great Hall doors, where they had been looking ever since he'd finished refilling his plate.
"Uh...right. The moon," Sirius said, trying to get his attention back under control and give at least some of it over to James, "Well, I think we're gonna have to ask Moony. He um...I think...he wanted to do something particular or...or something."
"Oh? Really?" James said, peering up with all the keen intelligence which he always had. He sat up quite straight and pushed his glasses farther up along the bridge of his nose.
"Er...really?" Sirius answered.
"Where is Remus?" Peter said and both James and Sirius started; their fourth friend had been so quiet they'd nearly forgotten he was there.
"Maybe he went for an early breakfast again, he's been doing that lately," Said James.
"It's 'cause of the moon...he gets hungry more," Sirius explained. And that was they, to a T. James always noticed things, noticed so much about people and instances, just like this, just like how Remus had been taking breakfast earlier lately, he saw the little things so clearly, that sometimes Sirius wondered if he had spies out working for him.
And Sirius himself, well, he was always the one who, especially when it came to Remus, knew the details; gave the explanations as to why the werewolf did what he did. Whether it was from simple guess work, or from Remus himself telling Sirius, the dark haired boy unarguably had an eerie knack for being spot on with his assumptions.
And Peter....was quiet. Unnoticed, something akin to a keystone in a wall, in the sense that, it's much like every other stone around it, and no one takes particular notice of it, unless they look quite closely to it's slightly different shape, it's almost odd placement, the same as every rough grey stone around it, but somehow completing the wall with it's quiet presence. That was Peter Pettigrew. That was the fourth, not any other number, just the fourth one of them.
"There he is," Peter added, glancing across the Hall to where Remus snuck in between the thick oak doors.
The change in Sirius was more than noticeable, he near immediately began acting very, very...casual.
"Hallo, Remus," James said at the same time Peter said "Hi,"
"Morning…Remus," Sirius said, as Remus slid in beside Peter, but, thinking his greeting lacked a certain pizzazz which would normally be present he amended it with, "Morning! Sleep well?"
Remus gave him a half quizzical smile, "Fine, Sirius…"
"Oh...good," Lame! Sirius chided himself, that was, possibly, the worst you've ever been at, Black. Now, snap out of it and be the charming devil you know you are. Right.
"Right," Echoed James as he began to stand, "I'm off, you lot."
"Study date?" Peter said, puckering his lips into a horrible looking kiss and making strange smacking noises in James' direction.
"If you must know, Mr. Pettigrew," and here James lost his adult manner entirely and grinned, "Yes! Have fun with your…porridge," And off he went to meet with a certain Lily Evans.
"We will! We'll grow big and strong and you, Potter will be a scrawny Seeker always," Called Sirius dramatically, and then, stuck his tongue out at James who'd, as he later explained to a snickering Remus, 'done it first'.
It was barely any time after when Peter slurped ungracefully down the last bit of his porridge and toast, and began to rise in a nervous fashion.
"What's up, Pete? You don't have a hot study session too, do you?" Asked a smiling Sirius.
"No! I mean...I have to finish my...charms essay..." Peter offered a very weak smile, "See you in Potions," And left, his parting comment aimed more to Remus, with whom he shared a cauldron in the dungeon centric class.
"He's being a daft one today," Sirius said, suddenly very aware at how alone he and Remus were, despite all the Gryffindors still lingering over their breakfast around them.
"Mmm, he must just be worried he won't finish," Remus said, staring determinedly down at his hands.
Sirius couldn't help a smile, "Remus...?" He swallowed deeply and felt the lump in his throat sink disconcertingly into his stomach.
"Yes, Sirius?" Remus dared to raise his eyes, though not his head, and Sirius thought him gorgeous in that moment, with his bangs in his eyes, and his eyes themselves raw and wolfen thanks to the coming moon.
Sirius forgot what he was going to say…he had already opened his mouth, but all that came out was a small sound, almost like an exhale.
Remus turned his eyes down again, trying unsuccessfully to rid himself of a blush.
"Yes, Sirius...?" He said again, amusement in his voice.
"Uh....Juh-James wanted to know what we're up to...tonight?" Sirius said, shaking his head and attempting to refocus his attention to the matter at hand.
Come on, Black! Cut it out! Sirius scolded himself harshly.
"The same thing we do every moon, Paddy." Remus said affectionately, and in doing gave Sirius his turn to hide his face.
This was it, the moment of truth, the beat all, do all moment of utter and complete nerves. And Sirius, being the headstrong boy every Gryffindor should be, forged ahead with the hesitation of one only who wants to be sure that what they're doing is truly good and right.
And...of course, it was.
"Moony....um...didn't we...I mean....are we still on for…you know. Tonight." Sirius didn't meet his companion's eyes; he didn't think he would have been able to, even if he had possessed the courage, he knew how Remus would look, and he didn't think if he saw him being so beautiful in his surprise he could resist saying just that to Remus. That he was beautiful when he was himself.
Remus' turn to gape came just then, and though the boys heart pounded, and though his mind told him it would be foolish to agree, because it would, inevitably, lead to the telling of dreams which were far better left untold, though later on, when this moment of pleased surprise had passed he would be entirely comprised of nerves, though all of that and more feelings which here are unable to be voiced, for the simple extent that words would do them not the justice they deserve, despite it, Remus said:
"Yes...of course we are, Sirius. I mean if you..."
"I do!"
"Oh. Good..."
"Good."
A pause.
"I suppose..."
"Yeah," Sirius said, scratching at the back of his head, "To potions, eh?"
"Yes." Remus smiled, and for the first time in their entire conversation, they met each other's eyes.
"Let's give Lucius hell today," Sirius grinned his wickedest grin.
And was rewarded with Remus' laugh.
"Dung Bombs at the ready, Sir,"
~
The moon rose red from fires in the East, and it cast its shadow as a candle to a darkened room.
Remus would have found it pleasing, even despite his transformation; since his three dearest friends had taken up the idea to become Animagi his full-moons hadn't been so bad as they once were. Still bad and he didn't ever truly let them know how bad, but an improvement.
Tonight though, Remus saw no great and hulking moon, noticed none of those things which a boy given leave to wander in a summer's evening would.
His mind planted firmly elsewhere; firmly upon Sirius.
~
A night of amazements laid itself ahead of Sirius and Remus, the first of which it must be admitted was the fact that Sirius found himself to be in the Gryffindor Common Room-dark hair, blue eyes, nerves and all.
Amazed by his own courage, Sirius had begun to move over to where Remus sat, reading a book in an overly large chair nearest to one of the side tables. He looked warm, and contented, and Sirius hated to interrupt him, but somehow, somewhere in him, didn't think Remus would hate it at all.
As Sirius drew closer, he could see the details of Moony more clearly, could have read the binding of his book, had Remus not been holding it in his lap so, could make out the lighter sections of the werewolf's hair, and the dim colour in his cheeks, there surely only from the heat of the fire.
Sirius was, amazingly, breathless.
Perhaps there are just too many reasons why Sirius was so struck, a great too-many to tell, but perhaps a try shall be attempted in any case.
Partly Sirius could not-without great difficulty-find it in himself to ignore the way Remus looked just then; the lighting in the common room was faint on that evening and the shadows with which it painted Remus' skin was to Sirius as mesmerizing, almost but not quite, as Remus' skin itself.
Like an angel, swept through his head, clichéd words that to him had never been spoken more truthfully.
Partly his jaw dropped for, at that moment, inexplicably, Remus turned away from his book and looked up at Sirius, finding him as though he'd known he would be there all along.
Sirius quickly pulled up the rest of the way, and settled himself onto the end of the side table, leaning forward on his elbows, mouth slightly gaping; he searched for what he wanted to say.
The common room was empty, it was the two of them only; almost all of the Gryffindors had went to watch what was supposed to be a particularly riveting Quidditch practice, it was rumored the Ravenclaws had been scheduled for tonight as well, and of course, everyone just knew something was going to come of it.
Everyone but Remus, who was friendly with several Ravenclaws; he'd told James he had it on good authority that nothing was going to take place, and that James shouldn't be getting so worked up.
"But," James had said, "I'm Quidditch captain, it's my job to get worked up!"
Which is why the common room was empty-because James had a way of getting a lot of people worked up, too.
Which is why Remus was down here reading-because he liked the calm, the quiet, and sometimes, he needed it before the moon.
Which is why Sirius was there. Because he needed to talk to Moony alone.
It struck Remus' like a bludger to the head suddenly that he, in this entire long pause of thought, hadn't said a single word.
They both started at once, coming to the same conclusion at the same moment. They both began to speak.
"I-"
"Sir-"
Sirius ducked his head and grinned, "Go on,"
"No, you go,"
Great. "It's just...I was only going to ask...I mean, we have a...a sort of date for tonight-a meeting, to...but we never said when?"
"I guess...it's true we didn't make any real plans for when, did we?" Remus was struggling to keep his smile stifled; date....
"Guess we didn't," Sirius answered, scratching nervously at the back of his head.
Pause. Hearts pound.
"Shall we?"
"Alright,"
A longer pause.
"It seems silly we don't just tell each other our dreams now," Remus spoke, as he was so often known to do, with a startling amount of practicality.
"You mean..." A gesture around to the empty common room more than explained Sirius' uncertainty on the matter.
Remus nodded once, and then smiled.
Sirius admitted to himself that it did seem silly to make an arrangement for the both of them to meet up someplace later tonight, when they unwittingly already had.
The insides of him still protested though; he wasn't prepared; he didn't know what to do or say. He would have to run on instinct. As Remus already was. It was only right.
It was a good few hours before the moon rose fully, and Remus would have to trudge down to the Willow; now there was only the ghost of the moon present, stray glimpses caught past fog and beyond tree line.
And yet...
It's only fair, were the last thoughts to flit through Sirius' mind before he spoke.
"Are you ready?" Sirius was nestling himself in the oversized chair just across from Remus, just in front of the fireplace.
Remus nodded, and closed his book, placing it onto the table beside him.
"Who should go first?" The light boy asked of the dark. Of his comrade.
"I will," Sirius hadn't been sure if this answer was the right one to give, but as he saw the relief well in Remus' eyes. He felt true to it, and happy.
"I...well I dream about a lot of stuff, normal dreamy-things, I guess," He shifted, "But I guess that lately I've been dreaming of...funny things; different I mean. You know," Damn! But how did Remus manage to sit so still? To be so inexpressibly, disgruntlingly, calm? "Like...like being Padfoot and running in the woods, and normal stuff like winning the Quidditch Trophy or the House Cup. Or I have dreams..." He averted his eyes to the fireplace,"About...you," He shifted.
Remus came quickly into focus. He had been of course listening, but his thoughts for a moment had run the course of this:
I can't tell him, really. Look at what Sirius dreams; he'll hate me if I tell him...tell him the truth of mine.
But now the words which Sirius had said brought him back with a most difficult landing.
"About me?" Remus' voice was all uncertainty. Perhaps this would be easier; perhaps he would be able to tell Sirius; perhaps they dreamt of the same things; or, the cold voice said to Remus, perhaps he knows what you dream…and is placating you.
No!
"Yes…" Sirius spoke, nerves and worry and apprehension moving through, to find a place to linger in his features.
"What...about me?" Remus felt his heart might burst it beat so fast against his chest.
"I..." No choice now, Black; go on, be a Gryffindor, you git, "We're sometimes animals, and sometimes we're ourselves; there's this house, I guess it's mine, I'm in it or around it lots,"
The wolf came quietly forward and sat upon its haunches, watching this: what transpired between the humans.
"And sometimes, when you're Remus, you come downstairs and sit with me, and we drink tea, or play chess or..." Sirius swallowed deeply, but it did not aid his nerves nor rid him of his fear.
Remus, by now entirely enraptured, felt his eyes as they widened and felt his voice, rather than heard it, tremble through his throat to the quick, clean lines of the air.
"Or, Padfoot?"
"Or you kiss me," Sirius dropped his eyes, quite intent on never raising them again.
"We...we kiss?" Remus was too happy for words, though, even if Sirius had found the bravery to look up, very little of it seemed to show on the surface. It was, Remus thought, a better kind of happiness than all that.
Sirius chanced the risk of compounding the situation further and opened his mouth again to speak:
"...Sometimes, Moony, when I wake up, I wish I hadn't. I mean, sometimes I wish...that it was real and true. That we lived with each other, that you would kiss me,"
But Remus heard none of this; it was a faint murmur from some other lifetime to him, for a moment before the wolf had grown restless of waiting.
A pain rushed through Remus' gut, and he doubled over in his chair to hold the stomach that so grieved him.
"Remus? Remus! Moony, oh damn!" Sirius was on the floor at his chair side instantly.
"Moony, what's wrong?"
"It's the moon! It's risen early!" Remus' voice was panicked; Sirius hadn't ever heard him in that way.
He still sat crumpled in the chair, Sirius more alarmed than I rightly could express-his face bloodless and his stomach empty, if you understand my meaning- beside him.
"Come on, we've got to get you to the Shack!" Sirius barked, finally regaining control of himself, finally regaining control of his feet, he hurriedly stood and trying as he did so to move Remus from his fetal position in the velvet chair.
"No!" Remus growled, and he looked up at Sirius with yellow eyes, primal emotions tucked behind them, he let out a long breath; it wheezed toward the end and sounded tight and painful, "There isn't enough time,"
Now Sirius was truly struck with the danger of this; anyone could enter the room at any moment and become fodder for the wolf, for Remus himself was rapidly fading.
"The dorms!" Remus let out a horrible scream.
Sirius quickly gathered his wits.
He rushed Remus from his chair, and though the other boy tried to respond and to aid him, he was too in pain to do much of anything.
Sirius picked him up and carried him.
The stairway posed only a heartbeat's worth of a problem. Adrenaline had taken hold of Sirius Black, and he took the steps two at a time.
He held Remus tight as they entered the dorm together; he had never been this close; he had never been so scared, nor so reluctant to let go of Remus.
But, the same, he did, and running to the door locked it with a satisfying 'thunk-clunk', himself still inside the room.
~
For all the transformations which Sirius, James, and Peter had been a part, they hadn't ever seen Remus' actual change. He would not allow it. They would see the agony if he did, they would see that Remus was scared, even still, by it, and he didn't want them to show him pity or to realize what it truly meant, and to hate him. For so young a boy, he had seen far too much of that already.
But Sirius was here now, bunched by the door; watching.
The wolf knew this, registered this, but didn't particularly care, shrugging it off without use of his shoulders, as wolves sometimes do.
Remus writhed on the floor some feet away of Sirius, and though he tried not to move, to make it look less than what it was, he knew he still was a sight.
He began to cry.
"Remus?" Sirius crawled forward, his palms and knees scraping the cold floor, his robe getting tangled in with his legs.
"Sirius...oh, Sirius, go!" Remus said between spasming breathes, one of the moments when the wolf was not present.
Sirius looked up at the window; a cloud lay in front of the moon.
"Go!" Remus growled.
"No! Remus...I want to be with you!"
"Sirius..." The cloud began to move. Remus cried out loud, twisting abnormally against the stone ground.
Sirius' first instinct was to hold him, to comfort his friend…
I cannot rightly describe it, this second; Remus looked up, and caught Sirius' gaze, at the same instant Sirius looked down, and was amazed at the colour his comrades eyes had become. Remus reached out, and struck his hand over Sirius', who turned his palm upward. They embraced like this, eyes and hands clasping, and it was embracing. And it was simple.
"Inside my dreams," Remus murmured, and he pushed Sirius heavily back; the boy slid across the floor and into a trunk by the base of one of the beds, its contents scattering. When Sirius looked up, came to, he was ten feet from where Remus sat, no longer Remus.
~
The rest of the night was spent as Padfoot and Moony; whose nickname, to Sirius, no longer sounded so amusing.
It was a struggle for the dog to explain why there would be no pack this time, and why the wolf could not leave the bed filled room.
The wolf had never held a grudge or ill-feeling towards Padfoot before, but this time he did seem resentful of being caged away in the unfamiliar room. The moon was strong, and the woods pulled at the wolf with equal command as Padfoot asking him to stay.
The hours passed with relative calm; the wolf now investigating Sirius' bed.
It was an indescribably good thing that Moony was distracted, and seemed relatively pleased with Sirius' pillow which the wolf now lay upon inhaling deeply whatever scent was there.
It was an indescribably good thing, because it was then that the two people Padfoot hadn't given a thought to that evening decided to return to their dorm.
"I-it's locked!" Peter's voice squeaked.
"What?" James, "Sirius." The door handle rattled, "Ohh, he's going to pay for this one!"
Padfoot could practically hear James rubbing his palms together wickedly.
He looked over his shoulder at Moony, who was staring at the door with red-eyed interest; head cocked slightly to his side.
Bugger, thought Padfoot.
~
Tack, tack, tack. His nails hit the floor as he trotted over to the door.
He had to figure out a way to let both James and Peter know it wasn't Sirius playing a trick on them, locking the door, but it was Sirius desperately trying to save Moony, and them, who had done it. And to complete the puzzler, he had to do this all as Padfoot.
Right. First thing was first; let them know you're here. He let out several sharp barks in quick succession.
"Maybe we should A-Alohomora-"
"Shh! Peter, hear that? Padfoot's in there!"
There was a silence for a few moments as the two young Gryffindors listened; ears pressed firmly to the door. Padfoot made it a point to bark again in the midst of the quiet.
Moony, with interest in his eyes, slipped down from the bed.
"Yeah: yeah! That's Padfoot, no doubt about it. Right," James. He pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose as he leaned back away from the door.
Padfoot knew that voice of James'.
"We've got to get him out of there, he must be trapped and he obviously can't change back to Sirius or he would have unlocked himself by now."
Bugger! Padfoot whined.
Things didn't seem to be going exactly as he'd planned. And Moony was looking increasingly curious about who was on the other side of the door. They smelled like pack, but they also smelled disconcertingly of human.
The handle was rattled again.
Padfoot, half from instinct and half from fright, began barking in earnest; quick, loud thumps of voice; he tried to keep the panic out of them, tried to make his voice say 'go', but it become evident to Padfoot that he'd done the wrong thing as he heard James' muffled reply:
"He sounds like he's in trouble- we have to get this open,"
"My wands in there!" Peter. Frightened.
"Mine's not,"
Padfoot did something then that was either terribly brave or very, very foolish. As is often the case, the two can be quite easily confused. But whichever it was, James forever after referred to it as something 'quite Gryffindor'. Padfoot changed back into Sirius.
"James! Go! Go! Moony's in here- Moony!" Sirius shouted against the door.
All movement on the other side stopped and all that transpired went in slow motion.
Sirius felt the low growl of Moony behind him, felt the scraping of sharp virgin claws on rough stone. Moony'd never made a kill; maybe a rabbit, maybe. Never a human. The wolf was in full bloom and ready to change all that now; ready to taste this intruders flesh.
Sirius heard James' cursing and his shouts; James did not get any answer, Sirius turned to see the large, dark wolf coming too quickly at him. In it, there was no Remus to be seen.
His legs went out from under him: forward and up, he watched them momentarily in midair and his back hit the stone floor, his head being the last of him to reach it.
There was a sharp noise which sounded painful, and which 'til later Sirius did not realize was from his own skull colliding with granite.
There was a dull throb, behind his eyes and he smelled lupine very near to him, and then Sirius did something he could not help – he passed out.
~
It was very light out, and it agitated Sirius' eyes as he opened them; it was that sort of light. The kind people with headaches hope never to be in direct contact with again, yet always to seem to find.
For Sirius, whose luck always had seemed fickle to him, it was not a simple headache which ailed him, but a body-ache.
He closed his eyes again.
Then he quickly sprang them open in a double take and looked up. Remus' quiet face was above him, watching him with a heavy sort of concern.
He was stroking Sirius' head, which lay in his lap.
Sirius wondered what happened to Remus' clothing when he changed for he did not see him remove them, and wondered if Remus had taken the time to put shorts on but could not tell and did not linger on the thought for long. His mind still muddled.
"Are you alright, Sirius?"
"Me? Never been...ow, better," Sirius moved to sit up. He noticed with resigned acceptance that Remus had a sheet wrapped 'round him. A bloodied sheet.
"Jeezuhs, Moony, are you ok?" His voice was laced in worry.
Remus smiled softly, "I'm fine. You...why did you change back? I...I could have..." The honey haired boy looked down at his pale hands, stained only with the blood of himself.
"James-James and Peter were trying to unlock the door and I...I-"
"You didn't want me to kill them so you put your own life in danger? Oh, Padfoot," Remus whispered.
"But you didn't hurt anyone! Not me-" Sirius made a show of patting himself down and resolutely refused to wince. He was bruised from his rough fall and was achy but otherwise still Sirius, "And not James or Peter or anyone, Moony."
"But I could have! Or even if I only bit you; Sirius...don't you know...what would happen if I...so much as broke your skin?!" Remus demanded; his hands were shaking badly- after the strain of full moons, Remus wasn't used to facing another strain such as this, and he struggled to keep his temper, emotions and deep, slow breathes in control.
Sirius looked at him without so much of a befuddled mind now, more of reality coming into focus; Remus was right, Sirius all too easily could have been killed-or worse, according to Remus. He didn't in fact know why he wasn't.
He looked at Remus, who sat in front of him on the chilled floor, the white sheet folded across his lap; it looked almost the same as his skin, nearly just as pale, and just as blood stained.
The werewolf's light hair hung limply against his face. He looked down.
"If...I was a werewolf, we could worry James together, the daft bovine," Sirius said, scared by how shaky his voice came out.
Pause.
Remus, as though he had been waiting for just such a reason, any good excuse, burst out in a fit of frightened laughter and tears; he shook more visibly now, and his smile was half grimace.
"It's alright, Moony; I'm fine," Sirius said softly, worriedly, he began to reach forward but stopped himself before his callused hand had even left the stonework.
"It can't ever happen again, Sirius." Remus, dampness in his golden eyes, looked up and met the Black's certain gaze.
Remus's eyes are almost the same colour as the wolf's, Sirius thought to himself, Oh, but they are so different.
"It didn't happen, it was fine, we're all out of it; you and me, Moony. We faced it and we won, because that's-"
"-What we do," Remus finished the sentence which Sirius would often quote to him; he let himself smile just slightly, tears drying up, "But it can't ever get that close again," He continued, more than just a bit to himself.
Sirius didn't know what to answer; he couldn't promise it wouldn't ever happen again, because that would mean promising to not be with Remus just whenever it was a bit risky. He wouldn't promise that, wouldn't even say maybe to it. It raised his fur, so to speak, and in his mind he refused-risk or no, when he was needed he would be there. When Remus needed him.
He hoped Remus wouldn't notice the abrupt change of subject he was about to inflict:
"I suppose we should tell James and Pete that we're ok, huh?" Sirius asked, scratching at the back of his head, his black hair splaying out at funny angles.
Sirius and Remus froze for a moment, watching each other.
There they were, alone, having just been through such a tumultuous situation together, one which was nearly intimate in its closeness and obscurity. It wasn't everyday Remus let people be with him when he changed; in fact it was never, aside from the first time with his parents. But never again after. Sirius was the first.
And it wasn't every day that Sirius Black felt comfortable enough to never move a muscle again; normally he couldn't move and bounce enough to ever satisfy his antsy ness.
Remus sensed it, too, and smiled when Sirius sidled over to sit close beside of him.
"Are you ok, Moony? Really?" He asked with concern and hope and something else which Remus was scared to define.
"I'm good, Sirius," Remus' hands had stopped shaking by now-all of him had. Considerably calmer, though his nerves were beginning to find him for an entirely different reason, Remus, emboldened by the moon still plump in the dawn sky, reached across the inches, an immeasurably long distance covered in an instant, and put his hand across Sirius'.
Sirius looked up with surprise, turning his palm to clutch at Remus' fingers.
"Sirius," It was more a breath than his name. Remus looked down shyly, "Do you know...why?"
Sirius blinked. "Why what, Moony, dear?"
Dear! A thrill sped through him even as his nerves told him to be afraid, and his voice told him; you're doing something life changing here.
"Do you know why you're…alive?" Remus. All seriousness and calmness now, to his companion's eyes, "I told you I'd tell you my dreams last night. I'm afraid I've failed you, Sirius. Will you accept my dreams now, instead?"
Gaping. Grinning. "Of course!" Grateful.
A blush, and a swallow, and a gathering of courage.
"The wolf stopped, because it recognized you from my dreams, Sirius. Because it knew you."
"Do you mean..." Hopeful eyes. Beautiful eyes.
Remus nodded calmly, heart pounding in his ears, "My dreams are about you, Sirius," Now. Tell him now, "Sometimes we're ourselves," He brought his voice higher from just a whisper, to something filled with inspiration and reminiscence, "And sometimes we're our other selves. But you're there beside me and it simply doesn't matter who we are. We run the hills I dream about, or talk for what seems to be lifetimes...live together, Padfoot. Or...we kiss," He stopped abruptly to see Sirius response. His free hand shook.
A warm palm touched his cheek softly, and an awed voice rejoined him with; "The same dreams....for so long...and we never even knew."
Remus leaned into the touch, as Sirius himself came forward, eyes indescribably affectionate, "At least we know now, Padfoot."
James and Peter forgotten, Sirius and Remus in happy amazement at the quiet, pale sight of one another.
"Remus...do you...believe in dreams coming true?"
A smile, "I do. I'd always hoped they would."
A wolf dream. Hm.
Sometimes we run, and sometimes we just play Wizards chess. Sometimes we go to the Shrieking Shack even when it isn't a full moon. And often times, we'll kiss. We fall in the grass, and Sirius is the night and the sun, the moon, the air and everything at once. And...then we'll roll over, curl beside each other, tangled, limp, breaths quick and happy. And we'll close our eyes, and start to dream.
-Finis-
A/N2: Howdy! Hope you enjoyed!;) Please review! Sirius is dying for a biscuit, and I think a review would tide him over 'til supper (Remus doesn't want him to spoil his apetite);)