CHAPTER 89
Tears streamed down Beth's face as she not only heard, but saw the truth in his eyes. Losing her
and the baby had pushed him over the edge and it broke her heart to realize the depths of his
pain. To escape the pain, he'd let his life become something dark and cold and devoid of feeling.
"But you don't have to do that anymore." She tried to reason with him. "We can be together, and
you can leave that part of your life behind. You did it once … you can do it again."
"It's not that simple." He argued, pushing away from her and standing up. "Remember how you
begged me not to tell you anything about my time as a Horsemen? Remember how you said you
never wanted it to be real? I made it real. What happened to us made it real."
"But it's over!" she insisted as she came to stand in front of him.
"For how long?" Adam replied. "Six months? A year? Five years? Sweetheart if it caught hold
of me so quickly after 2,000 years lying dormant, what makes you think it will release me now?
What makes you think I want to be released?"
Beth stared at him in shock. He was actually going to let this thing rob them of everything. She
replied with the only answer she had. "Because you love me."
"My love for you wasn't strong enough to resist this to begin with. I wasn't strong enough to
believe in you even though somewhere in my heart I should have known it was all a lie." Adam
reasoned. "I folded at the first sign of trouble, and I started things in motion that I couldn't stop
now no matter how much I wanted to or how hard I tried."
"But …"
"But nothing!" he raged impatiently. He realized she wasn't understanding how deep a hold this
had on him. Somehow he had to make her understand. He lowered his voice slightly. "I heard
Joe telling you about what happened to Claudia and how Rich Shafer kidnapped everyone to try
and get to Duncan. He told you that I happened to see Claudia's abduction and followed."
Beth nodded. Joe had told her about Adam impersonating the co-pilot so he could follow them.
"He made it sound like I'd done something brave and wonderful, but did you wonder for a second
what happened to the real pilot?"
Beth shook her head. She hadn't considered it.
"I broke his neck. I didn't think twice about doing it. I needed to get on that plane and he needed
to be silenced." He replied flatly. "He wasn't an immortal. He wasn't a part of the game. He
didn't even know who he was coming to the airport to fly for. He was a man doing his job and I
killed him."
Beth swallowed hard as she listened. Tears filled her eyes, not only for the dead man, but also
for Adam. His face had turned cold and the change frightened her.
"You were trying to save Claudia and Joe." She whispered, verbally excusing what he did even
though the quiver in her voice betrayed how upset she was by it.
When she still wouldn't listen he told her more. "Did you wonder why I happened to see Claudia
being taken? Did you wonder why I was there at all?"
Beth shook her head, not trusting her voice because she could sense what he was going to say
would be even more disturbing.
"I was there to take her head." He stated flatly. "I arrived in New York the day before and
happened across her photograph in the morning paper. I took it as a sign that she was to be
next."
Beth covered her mouth to keep from reacting, but she couldn't hide the shock that registered in
her eyes.
"That's right. The man you thought you could trust to raise your daughter had every intention of
taking the life of your friend. I was even going to use the fact that she trusted me to get close
enough so that I could do it in a crowded hotel without anyone being the wiser."
"But you didn't do it. You followed her. You tried to save her." Beth's tear filled voice argued.
"You tried to save them all."
"I followed her because I thought she was being taken by renegade Watchers and I wanted to
see what was going on. I followed because I had something to gain by knowing the truth. I had
no idea what was really going on."
"No." Beth shook her head. "I won't believe that. Joe told me you helped them. You may think
that's what you were going to do, but you didn't do it and I don't think you could have."
"You aren't hearing what I am telling you. I've changed and there is no way we can be together."
"Why can't we try?" Beth's eyes pleaded with him.
"Because you deserve better." He replied. "You deserve a man who doesn't carry the kind of
demons I do, and Cassie deserves a better Father than I can be. She should never see what I
am capable of, and I do not want you to see it either Beth. I wish it didn't have to be this way, but
I need to know you are safely away from the world I would expose you to. You don't need me.
You need to be free of me."
He started to turn away as if he were going to walk out, and Beth panicked. She grabbed him by
the sweater and wouldn't let him go. "You are wrong. You are so wrong. I need you. I need you
more than you can ever imagine."
"You only think that Beth. You're strong. You'll find a way to keep going and you'll find someone
who deserves the kind of love you have to give. Believe me, I am not that man. I can not give
you the life you want."
"Would you stop it? Would you stop trying to tell me what I deserve and what you think you aren't
to me. I didn't marry you because you were perfect. I wasn't stupid. I knew you hid a great deal
behind the icy glaze that sometimes covers your eyes." Beth's face was flushed and her
frustration evident by her shallow breathing. Her fingers fisted in his sweater. "And I damn sure
didn't walk into that Quickening because I feared living in your world or bringing our child into it.
How can you stand here and say that you can throw away more than a century of time we have to
be together over what has happened during the last 4 months? Do you have any idea how
ridiculous that sounds or how unfair that is to both of us?"
"Would you think me unfair if you knew there was a good chance that by staying with me you
could lose Cassie? I'm trying to spare you the pain. Even if you can't understand, I need you to
accept it."
"Are you saying you are afraid you would hurt her?" Beth asked, not understanding.
"I'm saying that even if I could find a way to get past what I've become, I would still be a danger to
you. I'm saying that every time I took a head, I placed myself on the Watcher's radar. I'm saying
that I was reckless and arrogant and the secret of my identity isn't a secret anymore, and I'm
saying that if you stay with me we will never know a moment's rest or be able to settle down in
one place. The choices I made ruined any opportunity we had at a normal life for Cassie if I am
in the picture. I ruined it. I ruined it all." He hadn't realized he'd grabbed her shoulders and was
shaking her until she cried out in pain from the pressure of his grip. Releasing her, Adam had to
step away. He couldn't even trust himself to be near her for fear of hurting her.
Beth rubbed her shoulder and stared at him in disbelief. "They know you are Methos?" she
gasped.
"The rumor is growing through the Watcher network every day. Joe tried to do damage control,
but there are no guarantees. As soon as word gets out to the immortals, I'll be on everyone's
most wanted list."
She leaned back against the wall, not believing how out of control everything had gotten.
"Isn't there something we can do? Change your name? Move? Anything?"
He shook his head. The look on her face made him believe he had finally gotten through to her.
"And even if we could change what they think, you can't change what I am."
"This can't be happening." She whispered to herself as she looked up at him. "Life can't be this
cruel."
"Unfortunately from experience, it usually is."
Beth was reeling from the news he'd just handed her when Adam's cell phone rang. It was
Amanda. Cassie's condition had been improving so they hadn't worried, but evidently she'd
taken a turn for the worse.
He closed the phone, hating he had to deal her another blow. "It's Cassie. We need to get back
now." He said as he picked his coat up from off of the chair and turned off the gas in the
fireplace. Beth rushed with him to the car, her hands shaking.
"Please tell me she'll be all right." She begged him. "We can't lose her. We just can't."
Adam reached for her hand as he drove down the mountain road. He couldn't tell her something
he didn't know to be true, but he could try to support her this last time.
Beth leaned her face into his shoulder and cried, her heart breaking on every level. It seemed
that life intended to string her along from one loss to another, and the weight of it all was bearing
down harder than she thought she could bear.
Tears streamed down Beth's face as she not only heard, but saw the truth in his eyes. Losing her
and the baby had pushed him over the edge and it broke her heart to realize the depths of his
pain. To escape the pain, he'd let his life become something dark and cold and devoid of feeling.
"But you don't have to do that anymore." She tried to reason with him. "We can be together, and
you can leave that part of your life behind. You did it once … you can do it again."
"It's not that simple." He argued, pushing away from her and standing up. "Remember how you
begged me not to tell you anything about my time as a Horsemen? Remember how you said you
never wanted it to be real? I made it real. What happened to us made it real."
"But it's over!" she insisted as she came to stand in front of him.
"For how long?" Adam replied. "Six months? A year? Five years? Sweetheart if it caught hold
of me so quickly after 2,000 years lying dormant, what makes you think it will release me now?
What makes you think I want to be released?"
Beth stared at him in shock. He was actually going to let this thing rob them of everything. She
replied with the only answer she had. "Because you love me."
"My love for you wasn't strong enough to resist this to begin with. I wasn't strong enough to
believe in you even though somewhere in my heart I should have known it was all a lie." Adam
reasoned. "I folded at the first sign of trouble, and I started things in motion that I couldn't stop
now no matter how much I wanted to or how hard I tried."
"But …"
"But nothing!" he raged impatiently. He realized she wasn't understanding how deep a hold this
had on him. Somehow he had to make her understand. He lowered his voice slightly. "I heard
Joe telling you about what happened to Claudia and how Rich Shafer kidnapped everyone to try
and get to Duncan. He told you that I happened to see Claudia's abduction and followed."
Beth nodded. Joe had told her about Adam impersonating the co-pilot so he could follow them.
"He made it sound like I'd done something brave and wonderful, but did you wonder for a second
what happened to the real pilot?"
Beth shook her head. She hadn't considered it.
"I broke his neck. I didn't think twice about doing it. I needed to get on that plane and he needed
to be silenced." He replied flatly. "He wasn't an immortal. He wasn't a part of the game. He
didn't even know who he was coming to the airport to fly for. He was a man doing his job and I
killed him."
Beth swallowed hard as she listened. Tears filled her eyes, not only for the dead man, but also
for Adam. His face had turned cold and the change frightened her.
"You were trying to save Claudia and Joe." She whispered, verbally excusing what he did even
though the quiver in her voice betrayed how upset she was by it.
When she still wouldn't listen he told her more. "Did you wonder why I happened to see Claudia
being taken? Did you wonder why I was there at all?"
Beth shook her head, not trusting her voice because she could sense what he was going to say
would be even more disturbing.
"I was there to take her head." He stated flatly. "I arrived in New York the day before and
happened across her photograph in the morning paper. I took it as a sign that she was to be
next."
Beth covered her mouth to keep from reacting, but she couldn't hide the shock that registered in
her eyes.
"That's right. The man you thought you could trust to raise your daughter had every intention of
taking the life of your friend. I was even going to use the fact that she trusted me to get close
enough so that I could do it in a crowded hotel without anyone being the wiser."
"But you didn't do it. You followed her. You tried to save her." Beth's tear filled voice argued.
"You tried to save them all."
"I followed her because I thought she was being taken by renegade Watchers and I wanted to
see what was going on. I followed because I had something to gain by knowing the truth. I had
no idea what was really going on."
"No." Beth shook her head. "I won't believe that. Joe told me you helped them. You may think
that's what you were going to do, but you didn't do it and I don't think you could have."
"You aren't hearing what I am telling you. I've changed and there is no way we can be together."
"Why can't we try?" Beth's eyes pleaded with him.
"Because you deserve better." He replied. "You deserve a man who doesn't carry the kind of
demons I do, and Cassie deserves a better Father than I can be. She should never see what I
am capable of, and I do not want you to see it either Beth. I wish it didn't have to be this way, but
I need to know you are safely away from the world I would expose you to. You don't need me.
You need to be free of me."
He started to turn away as if he were going to walk out, and Beth panicked. She grabbed him by
the sweater and wouldn't let him go. "You are wrong. You are so wrong. I need you. I need you
more than you can ever imagine."
"You only think that Beth. You're strong. You'll find a way to keep going and you'll find someone
who deserves the kind of love you have to give. Believe me, I am not that man. I can not give
you the life you want."
"Would you stop it? Would you stop trying to tell me what I deserve and what you think you aren't
to me. I didn't marry you because you were perfect. I wasn't stupid. I knew you hid a great deal
behind the icy glaze that sometimes covers your eyes." Beth's face was flushed and her
frustration evident by her shallow breathing. Her fingers fisted in his sweater. "And I damn sure
didn't walk into that Quickening because I feared living in your world or bringing our child into it.
How can you stand here and say that you can throw away more than a century of time we have to
be together over what has happened during the last 4 months? Do you have any idea how
ridiculous that sounds or how unfair that is to both of us?"
"Would you think me unfair if you knew there was a good chance that by staying with me you
could lose Cassie? I'm trying to spare you the pain. Even if you can't understand, I need you to
accept it."
"Are you saying you are afraid you would hurt her?" Beth asked, not understanding.
"I'm saying that even if I could find a way to get past what I've become, I would still be a danger to
you. I'm saying that every time I took a head, I placed myself on the Watcher's radar. I'm saying
that I was reckless and arrogant and the secret of my identity isn't a secret anymore, and I'm
saying that if you stay with me we will never know a moment's rest or be able to settle down in
one place. The choices I made ruined any opportunity we had at a normal life for Cassie if I am
in the picture. I ruined it. I ruined it all." He hadn't realized he'd grabbed her shoulders and was
shaking her until she cried out in pain from the pressure of his grip. Releasing her, Adam had to
step away. He couldn't even trust himself to be near her for fear of hurting her.
Beth rubbed her shoulder and stared at him in disbelief. "They know you are Methos?" she
gasped.
"The rumor is growing through the Watcher network every day. Joe tried to do damage control,
but there are no guarantees. As soon as word gets out to the immortals, I'll be on everyone's
most wanted list."
She leaned back against the wall, not believing how out of control everything had gotten.
"Isn't there something we can do? Change your name? Move? Anything?"
He shook his head. The look on her face made him believe he had finally gotten through to her.
"And even if we could change what they think, you can't change what I am."
"This can't be happening." She whispered to herself as she looked up at him. "Life can't be this
cruel."
"Unfortunately from experience, it usually is."
Beth was reeling from the news he'd just handed her when Adam's cell phone rang. It was
Amanda. Cassie's condition had been improving so they hadn't worried, but evidently she'd
taken a turn for the worse.
He closed the phone, hating he had to deal her another blow. "It's Cassie. We need to get back
now." He said as he picked his coat up from off of the chair and turned off the gas in the
fireplace. Beth rushed with him to the car, her hands shaking.
"Please tell me she'll be all right." She begged him. "We can't lose her. We just can't."
Adam reached for her hand as he drove down the mountain road. He couldn't tell her something
he didn't know to be true, but he could try to support her this last time.
Beth leaned her face into his shoulder and cried, her heart breaking on every level. It seemed
that life intended to string her along from one loss to another, and the weight of it all was bearing
down harder than she thought she could bear.