CHAPTER 90
The doctor couldn't explain why Cassie had one day been responding to the treatments and then
in a matter of hours her fever once again sky rocketed to a dangerous level.
"Each case is unique. It could be a minor setback, but we won't know for several hours ....
perhaps days" He told Beth and Adam as they stood in the corridor. "If we can't control it, and
the disease continues to escalate. The child could suffer irreparable heart damage. The danger
of heart attack or stroke increases every day."
Beth couldn't speak. Still in shock over what had happened between she and Adam earlier, and
now with Cassie's life hanging in the balance, she was beyond devastation.
Cassie had been moved to intensive care where visits were limited to once every four hours, and
then for only a half-hour at a time. Beth stood silently in the hallway as they waited for their first
visit. She could see Adam leaning against the wall across from her, his hands stuffed in his
pockets and his eyes carefully avoided hers. She could see how concerned he was about the
baby, but he wouldn't let himself comfort her or be comforted. He was purposely keeping his
distance. She spent the next several minutes just watching him. Beth's eyes wandered over the
features of his face, the loose, roll neck sweater and the pale blue jeans. When her eyes drifted
back up, she caught him watching her just as closely, but he quickly diverted his gaze.
"This can't be happening." Her mind screamed. She shook her head. How could he stand to be
so close to her and not ache to hold her? How could he expect her to handle what was
happening to their child, knowing that once Cassie was better ... if she got better ... that he would
leave them? She had to close her eyes and force herself to try and think about anything but the
man standing so close and yet so far from her. Her heart felt like it was being torn piece by piece
from her chest and she was afraid she wouldn't be able to hold it together much longer.
Duncan could see the emotions playing across her face and came to stand with his arm around
her shoulders. He glared at Adam, silently cursing him for being so cool to her. Everyone knew
he loved Beth and to watch this needless agony was frustrating to say the least. It was all he
could do not to tell the fool to just go ahead and leave.
Beth leaned into Duncan and let him support her. "I think I'm losing it. I'm so scared for Cassie
and I need Adam so bad. I don't know how much longer I can stand this." She whispered, which
prompted him to hold her tighter. As much as he was more than willing to be a support for her,
he couldn't shake the feeling that this was wrong. Adam should be the one she clung to, but his
friend had decided how things had to be and didn't appear to be wavering in his resolve.
A nurse indicated they could go in, but only the parents. Duncan gave Beth a squeeze and a few
words of encouragement before she went through the doorway.
When Beth and Adam went inside, she placed her hand on Cassie's head to try and comfort her,
but when she tried to speak ... her voice broke and she couldn't continue. Seeing her baby this
way was more than she could bear. The child didn't seem to be aware of anything in the room,
and her skin was so hot to touch. The fear that cut through both Beth and Adam for her was
great. When the visitation time was over, the nurse repeated for the third time that she would
have to go, but Beth didn't seem to hear. Realizing he would have to do something, Adam gently
covered her hand with his own and removed it from Cassie's crib before leading her outside.
Once they were back out in the hallway, Beth pulled away from him and found a seat alone in the
back of the waiting area. She knew why he'd done what he'd done and didn't want him to touch
her if it was only out of sympathy or obligation. She couldn't let herself lean on him, knowing that
he would pull away at any moment.
For the next four hours she sat in silence. She didn't respond when Amanda asked if she wanted
some company or when Duncan offered to get her a cup of coffee. She simply stared at the
doorway of the intensive care unit, her arms wrapped tightly around her body and her mind
obviously weighing a variety of thoughts as she waited for the time to pass.
The next visitation came and this time when she went in she walked past Adam as if he weren't
there. She didn't look up at him or even seem to notice anything he said to Cassie or that he held
the door open for her when the time came for them to leave.
Again as the wee hours of the early morning ticked slowly by, Beth retreated to the far end of the
waiting area and into her own world. The other families who had patients to visit had obviously
left the hospital for a few hours, leaving only Beth, Adam and their friends in the small confines of
the waiting room.
"You really should get something to eat or at least try to close your eyes. There is a sofa you can
stretch out on. We won't be able to see her for another couple of hours any way." Adam advised
when he ignored her obvious attempt at blocking out him and the rest of the world while she sat in
her own private hell. He'd moved to the chair opposite hers and was sitting on the very edge of
the cushion so that his knees were almost touching hers as he leaned in quietly.
"Please don't." she whispered after a few long seconds.
"Please don't what Beth? Please don't worry that you're going to push yourself to exhaustion and
won't be any use to Cassie when you collapse? Anyone can see you aren't well." He replied,
noting how pale she looked and how her eyes had lost their shine. He unfolded the blanket one
of the nurses had given him and tried to lay it over her, but his kind gesture received a less than
welcome response.
"No, don't" she choked out the words as she shrank back against the chair cushions to evade
him. "Don't make me depend on you now when we both know you won't be here when this is
over. Don't make me believe. Don't make me hope. It's not fair, it's not fair." She began to cry.
Adam leaned back on his heels as he still knelt beside her. "Beth please ... it doesn't have to be
like this. You can let me help you get through this for Cassie's sake if nothing else."
"No I can't. You're going to leave and Cassie is going to die and I'll be alone and I'm helpless to
stop any of it." Her tears became uncontrollable and her body heaved with every breath as she
began to unload the weight of everything that was falling in on her. "No matter how much I love
you or how much I love her, I lose everything that matters. My little girl is going to die and then
you'll leave and there will be nothing left ... nothing ... to live for."
"Cassie is not going to die." Adam replied, his voice shaking as he made yet another promise he
knew he had no control to keep.
"Of course she is." Beth fired back. "You said it yourself, life is cruel and I need to accept it."
And then she began to laugh maniacally. "God do you know how hard it is to just be in the same
room with you and know that you are going to leave? I love you, and I know you love me, but you
say that doesn't matter and won't even try to work things out."
Beth didn't give him a chance to respond. "I love Cassie and there's nothing I can do to help her,
and maybe it's for the best. Maybe it will be easier losing her now than ..." She didn't finish her
sentence but started to laugh at the irony of it all. Adam tried to calm her, but she pushed him
away, almost knocking him over from the crouched position he'd been in. Pulling her feet up
under her, Beth tried to fit in the farthest corner of the chair. Obviously trying to put as much
distance as she could between them. Her body was shaking and her eyes showed that she had
hit a breaking point.
Duncan and Amanda exchanged a worried look as Richie pushed his way out of the room. He
couldn't watch this, and the only thing he could think of was to find a doctor to sedate her before
she lost her mind.
"God, don't you see the humor in it?" she laughed as she looked up at their faces. "Here I have
all this time to live, and thought it was so wonderful and held so many possibilities, but the joke is
on me." She almost doubled over as her laughter began to sound more and more like the ranting
of someone who had lost a grip with reality. "All this time and I'll spend it all alone. Isn't that
priceless?"
"Beth you aren't going to be alone." Duncan moved to kneel beside her, seeing that she wouldn't
let Adam anywhere near her. "The doctor knows what he is doing and Cassie has a good chance
of beating this disease."
"No, you're wrong. I see it all so clearly now. I don't know why I missed it before." Beth looked
directly at him as she spoke. "I lost Craig, I was separated from my family not once but twice,
what happened to me probably killed my Mother, Adam tells me that we can't be together no
matter what I do, and now Cassie is going to die. I'm cursed, and like a fool I had to go and ask
for more time when what I really want is for the world to swallow me up and put me out of my
misery."
"Adam say something." Amanda whispered as the stunned immortal moved away and now stood
staring at the woman he loved as she fell apart.
Adam didn't know what to say or do. He hadn't expected Beth to snap like this. She'd always
been so strong. "I can't." he whispered as Amanda pinched him. The realization that Beth was
giving him exactly what he'd asked for hit him square between the eyes. She was pushing him
away and falling apart in the process and he didn't know how to help her without lying to her
again. He wanted nothing more than to pull her into his arms and kiss her and tell her over and
over how much he loved her and couldn't bear to be away from her, but to do that would ruin any
chance she'd have at a normal life with Cassie.
"Say anything. Lie to her, because if she keeps this up she's going over the edge. You'll lose
both of them. Cassie needs her mother to help her fight, and Beth needs you, and if you don't do
something it will be out of your hands."
Their quiet conversation was hushed completely by Beth's next words.
"Duncan I need you to promise me something." She said soberly as she took his hand and
looked into his eyes. "I know I'm not immortal like you, but I'm guessing that there has to be a
way out for me. Promise me that once Cassie is gone that you'll take pity on me and end it. I
don't want to live if it means I'm alone."
"I can not do that!" Duncan was dumbfounded.
"Beth you can't be serious ... " Adam interrupted as he moved back to her side.
"Why can't I?" she asked, looking from one to the next. "Why does it matter? If I'm dead then
you won't have to worry about me and I won't have to endure the emptiness I know will drive me
to madness. Really it's the most humane thing you could do for me if Duncan won't."
Duncan was shaking his head. "No ... no way."
"You do it all the time." Beth argued as she stared directly at Adam. "And if you take my head
then you won't be taking anything I want to keep or care about any more. You'll be setting me
free from the pain of losing everyone I love. I'd do it myself, but I don't know what would work
that I could manage on my own." She reached out and stroked his cheek.
It was then that Richie came back in with a doctor. He'd explained the situation and a nurse
confirmed how much stress Beth had been under.
The man could see her wild eyes as she looked from one face to another. Her next words
assured him he was doing the right thing.
"Don't you understand I just want to die? I don't want to live like this? Please tell me you'll help
me. If Cassie dies I want to die too."
The doctor nodded for them to hold her and when Duncan and Adam saw the hypodermic, they
assisted. A moment later Beth slipped into sweet oblivion.
NOTE: Kawasaki disease is a real children's disease with the symptoms described. The author
did take some creative license by accelerating the time symptoms occur for plot
purposes.
Also, I really appreciate all of your responses. They are so encouraging, but as we get closer to the end if you could keep spoilers out of the reviews and send notes via email that would be great. New people are beginning to read the story and emailed me that they wished they hadn't seen spoilers in the reviews because it cut the suspense. Thanks for helping! I really do appreciate each and every comment. lauree2220@hotmail.com
The doctor couldn't explain why Cassie had one day been responding to the treatments and then
in a matter of hours her fever once again sky rocketed to a dangerous level.
"Each case is unique. It could be a minor setback, but we won't know for several hours ....
perhaps days" He told Beth and Adam as they stood in the corridor. "If we can't control it, and
the disease continues to escalate. The child could suffer irreparable heart damage. The danger
of heart attack or stroke increases every day."
Beth couldn't speak. Still in shock over what had happened between she and Adam earlier, and
now with Cassie's life hanging in the balance, she was beyond devastation.
Cassie had been moved to intensive care where visits were limited to once every four hours, and
then for only a half-hour at a time. Beth stood silently in the hallway as they waited for their first
visit. She could see Adam leaning against the wall across from her, his hands stuffed in his
pockets and his eyes carefully avoided hers. She could see how concerned he was about the
baby, but he wouldn't let himself comfort her or be comforted. He was purposely keeping his
distance. She spent the next several minutes just watching him. Beth's eyes wandered over the
features of his face, the loose, roll neck sweater and the pale blue jeans. When her eyes drifted
back up, she caught him watching her just as closely, but he quickly diverted his gaze.
"This can't be happening." Her mind screamed. She shook her head. How could he stand to be
so close to her and not ache to hold her? How could he expect her to handle what was
happening to their child, knowing that once Cassie was better ... if she got better ... that he would
leave them? She had to close her eyes and force herself to try and think about anything but the
man standing so close and yet so far from her. Her heart felt like it was being torn piece by piece
from her chest and she was afraid she wouldn't be able to hold it together much longer.
Duncan could see the emotions playing across her face and came to stand with his arm around
her shoulders. He glared at Adam, silently cursing him for being so cool to her. Everyone knew
he loved Beth and to watch this needless agony was frustrating to say the least. It was all he
could do not to tell the fool to just go ahead and leave.
Beth leaned into Duncan and let him support her. "I think I'm losing it. I'm so scared for Cassie
and I need Adam so bad. I don't know how much longer I can stand this." She whispered, which
prompted him to hold her tighter. As much as he was more than willing to be a support for her,
he couldn't shake the feeling that this was wrong. Adam should be the one she clung to, but his
friend had decided how things had to be and didn't appear to be wavering in his resolve.
A nurse indicated they could go in, but only the parents. Duncan gave Beth a squeeze and a few
words of encouragement before she went through the doorway.
When Beth and Adam went inside, she placed her hand on Cassie's head to try and comfort her,
but when she tried to speak ... her voice broke and she couldn't continue. Seeing her baby this
way was more than she could bear. The child didn't seem to be aware of anything in the room,
and her skin was so hot to touch. The fear that cut through both Beth and Adam for her was
great. When the visitation time was over, the nurse repeated for the third time that she would
have to go, but Beth didn't seem to hear. Realizing he would have to do something, Adam gently
covered her hand with his own and removed it from Cassie's crib before leading her outside.
Once they were back out in the hallway, Beth pulled away from him and found a seat alone in the
back of the waiting area. She knew why he'd done what he'd done and didn't want him to touch
her if it was only out of sympathy or obligation. She couldn't let herself lean on him, knowing that
he would pull away at any moment.
For the next four hours she sat in silence. She didn't respond when Amanda asked if she wanted
some company or when Duncan offered to get her a cup of coffee. She simply stared at the
doorway of the intensive care unit, her arms wrapped tightly around her body and her mind
obviously weighing a variety of thoughts as she waited for the time to pass.
The next visitation came and this time when she went in she walked past Adam as if he weren't
there. She didn't look up at him or even seem to notice anything he said to Cassie or that he held
the door open for her when the time came for them to leave.
Again as the wee hours of the early morning ticked slowly by, Beth retreated to the far end of the
waiting area and into her own world. The other families who had patients to visit had obviously
left the hospital for a few hours, leaving only Beth, Adam and their friends in the small confines of
the waiting room.
"You really should get something to eat or at least try to close your eyes. There is a sofa you can
stretch out on. We won't be able to see her for another couple of hours any way." Adam advised
when he ignored her obvious attempt at blocking out him and the rest of the world while she sat in
her own private hell. He'd moved to the chair opposite hers and was sitting on the very edge of
the cushion so that his knees were almost touching hers as he leaned in quietly.
"Please don't." she whispered after a few long seconds.
"Please don't what Beth? Please don't worry that you're going to push yourself to exhaustion and
won't be any use to Cassie when you collapse? Anyone can see you aren't well." He replied,
noting how pale she looked and how her eyes had lost their shine. He unfolded the blanket one
of the nurses had given him and tried to lay it over her, but his kind gesture received a less than
welcome response.
"No, don't" she choked out the words as she shrank back against the chair cushions to evade
him. "Don't make me depend on you now when we both know you won't be here when this is
over. Don't make me believe. Don't make me hope. It's not fair, it's not fair." She began to cry.
Adam leaned back on his heels as he still knelt beside her. "Beth please ... it doesn't have to be
like this. You can let me help you get through this for Cassie's sake if nothing else."
"No I can't. You're going to leave and Cassie is going to die and I'll be alone and I'm helpless to
stop any of it." Her tears became uncontrollable and her body heaved with every breath as she
began to unload the weight of everything that was falling in on her. "No matter how much I love
you or how much I love her, I lose everything that matters. My little girl is going to die and then
you'll leave and there will be nothing left ... nothing ... to live for."
"Cassie is not going to die." Adam replied, his voice shaking as he made yet another promise he
knew he had no control to keep.
"Of course she is." Beth fired back. "You said it yourself, life is cruel and I need to accept it."
And then she began to laugh maniacally. "God do you know how hard it is to just be in the same
room with you and know that you are going to leave? I love you, and I know you love me, but you
say that doesn't matter and won't even try to work things out."
Beth didn't give him a chance to respond. "I love Cassie and there's nothing I can do to help her,
and maybe it's for the best. Maybe it will be easier losing her now than ..." She didn't finish her
sentence but started to laugh at the irony of it all. Adam tried to calm her, but she pushed him
away, almost knocking him over from the crouched position he'd been in. Pulling her feet up
under her, Beth tried to fit in the farthest corner of the chair. Obviously trying to put as much
distance as she could between them. Her body was shaking and her eyes showed that she had
hit a breaking point.
Duncan and Amanda exchanged a worried look as Richie pushed his way out of the room. He
couldn't watch this, and the only thing he could think of was to find a doctor to sedate her before
she lost her mind.
"God, don't you see the humor in it?" she laughed as she looked up at their faces. "Here I have
all this time to live, and thought it was so wonderful and held so many possibilities, but the joke is
on me." She almost doubled over as her laughter began to sound more and more like the ranting
of someone who had lost a grip with reality. "All this time and I'll spend it all alone. Isn't that
priceless?"
"Beth you aren't going to be alone." Duncan moved to kneel beside her, seeing that she wouldn't
let Adam anywhere near her. "The doctor knows what he is doing and Cassie has a good chance
of beating this disease."
"No, you're wrong. I see it all so clearly now. I don't know why I missed it before." Beth looked
directly at him as she spoke. "I lost Craig, I was separated from my family not once but twice,
what happened to me probably killed my Mother, Adam tells me that we can't be together no
matter what I do, and now Cassie is going to die. I'm cursed, and like a fool I had to go and ask
for more time when what I really want is for the world to swallow me up and put me out of my
misery."
"Adam say something." Amanda whispered as the stunned immortal moved away and now stood
staring at the woman he loved as she fell apart.
Adam didn't know what to say or do. He hadn't expected Beth to snap like this. She'd always
been so strong. "I can't." he whispered as Amanda pinched him. The realization that Beth was
giving him exactly what he'd asked for hit him square between the eyes. She was pushing him
away and falling apart in the process and he didn't know how to help her without lying to her
again. He wanted nothing more than to pull her into his arms and kiss her and tell her over and
over how much he loved her and couldn't bear to be away from her, but to do that would ruin any
chance she'd have at a normal life with Cassie.
"Say anything. Lie to her, because if she keeps this up she's going over the edge. You'll lose
both of them. Cassie needs her mother to help her fight, and Beth needs you, and if you don't do
something it will be out of your hands."
Their quiet conversation was hushed completely by Beth's next words.
"Duncan I need you to promise me something." She said soberly as she took his hand and
looked into his eyes. "I know I'm not immortal like you, but I'm guessing that there has to be a
way out for me. Promise me that once Cassie is gone that you'll take pity on me and end it. I
don't want to live if it means I'm alone."
"I can not do that!" Duncan was dumbfounded.
"Beth you can't be serious ... " Adam interrupted as he moved back to her side.
"Why can't I?" she asked, looking from one to the next. "Why does it matter? If I'm dead then
you won't have to worry about me and I won't have to endure the emptiness I know will drive me
to madness. Really it's the most humane thing you could do for me if Duncan won't."
Duncan was shaking his head. "No ... no way."
"You do it all the time." Beth argued as she stared directly at Adam. "And if you take my head
then you won't be taking anything I want to keep or care about any more. You'll be setting me
free from the pain of losing everyone I love. I'd do it myself, but I don't know what would work
that I could manage on my own." She reached out and stroked his cheek.
It was then that Richie came back in with a doctor. He'd explained the situation and a nurse
confirmed how much stress Beth had been under.
The man could see her wild eyes as she looked from one face to another. Her next words
assured him he was doing the right thing.
"Don't you understand I just want to die? I don't want to live like this? Please tell me you'll help
me. If Cassie dies I want to die too."
The doctor nodded for them to hold her and when Duncan and Adam saw the hypodermic, they
assisted. A moment later Beth slipped into sweet oblivion.
NOTE: Kawasaki disease is a real children's disease with the symptoms described. The author
did take some creative license by accelerating the time symptoms occur for plot
purposes.
Also, I really appreciate all of your responses. They are so encouraging, but as we get closer to the end if you could keep spoilers out of the reviews and send notes via email that would be great. New people are beginning to read the story and emailed me that they wished they hadn't seen spoilers in the reviews because it cut the suspense. Thanks for helping! I really do appreciate each and every comment. lauree2220@hotmail.com