The Misfits vs. The Viper
Disclaimer: Red Witch owns Althea and Xi. I own Paul and Craig Starr. The GI Joes and the other Misfits aren't mine. Lance, Toad, Pietro, Freddy and Wanda belong to Marvel.
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Chapter 2:
"All he said was 5, 35." Hawk said through the Joe-Com.
"What do the numbers 5 and 35 have to do with the Misfits?" Roadblock asked.
"I know." Craig smirked. "5 is Paul's mental age and 35 is Blob's IQ."
"Real hilarious, Craig." Blob rolled his eyes.
"Good one, bro." Paul cheered sarcastically. "You just revolutionized comedy."
"They could be map coordinates." Xi reasoned, taking an atlas out of a bookshelf. He laid it on the pool table and turned to a map of the world. "There are only four possibilities: 5 North, 35 East..." The half-man, half- snake pointed out on the map as he talked. "5 North, 35 West...5 South, 35 East...and 5 South, 35 West."
"We'll have to split up and go to four different spots, General." Althea said. "There aren't enough of us for that. My loony sisters are at SHIELD helping fix some things, and Claudius and Barney are only babies."
"We have heard rumors of a Cobra base around 5 South, 35 East." Hawk remembered.
"That's in Antarctica." Xi examined the map. "Why would Cobra have a base there?"
"Maybe they're cookin' up something big." Lance thought.
"Maybe, but why us?" Paul wondered. "Us Misfits are only backup."
"Maybe this 'Viper' feels that only the Misfits can stop whatever Cobra's cooking up. Our mutant abilities do give us an advantage over the regular Joes." Craig crossed his arms and scowled. "I don't trust him. It could be a trap set by Cobra or some anti-mutant group. I have tussled with FOH members in the past. And I never needed my powers to beat them."
"But what if it's real, Craig?" Todd asked. "If Cobra's got a weapon or somethin', yo..."
"Hawk, I don't think..." Barbecue started.
"I know what you're going to say, Barbecue." Hawk finished. "And I agree. The kids might have some trouble there. So I'm asking you and Roadblock to back them up. A couple other Joes will be there as well to help. You Misfits must find out what's going on there and put a stop to it."
"With all the insanity that goes on around you people, I wouldn't be one bit surprised if the Cobra base turns out to be an oversized rest area." Craig grumbled.
"Only one way to find out, bro." Paul smiled. He then formed a horn with his hands and made bugle noises through it. "CHARGE!!!!" Paul ran out of the clubhouse.
"Are you sure he never drank BA's coffee, Craig?" Wanda asked.
"He's always like this, BA's coffee or no BA's coffee." Craig growled.
"Glad to see Paul's excited." Hawk smiled.
"We'll do it." Althea said.
"When the Misfits are around, Cobra's plans are gonna drown!" Toad cheered, following the departed Paul.
"He's definitely been around you waaaaay too long." Pietro sighed at Roadblock. The gourmet chef simply smiled with pride. The other Misfits walked out of the clubhouse and got ready for their mission. Later on, the team of teen mutants and a couple Joes were with them, riding in a special helicopter adapted to the cold. Wild Bill, ace Texan Joe pilot, was behind the controls. They all wore winter clothes.
"I'm cooooooold!" Pietro whined.
"Shut up Maximoff!" Craig snapped.
"If you're so cold Quicksilver, why don't you rub your hands together with your speed?" Xi snickered.
"I'll set myself on fire!" Pietro exclaimed.
"I'll get the marshmallows." Wanda smirked. She looked around and saw the gang. Cover Girl, Spirit, and Roadblock were with them, as was Low Light, a mutant Joe marksman with the ability to turn his body into any substance. They were all talking amongst themselves. Lance was patting his sides in an attempt to stay warm. Paul didn't seem to notice the cold. He was whistling a song Wanda recognized as Kiss's "Rock 'n' Roll All Night". Craig was silent, polishing a police officer's nightstick he had with him. Paul told her that Craig stole it from an LA cop when he was twelve and he had it ever since. She then remembered Paul's joke after it: "My brother proved he feared nothing that day. If you can swipe something from an LA cop and live to tell about it, you are truly without fear." Althea was playing cards with Todd and Xi. Upon closer inspection, Althea and Todd were teaching Xi how to play "Go Fish." Blob was playing with a paddleball. Pietro was trying to take his mind off the cold by taking a nap. His mutant metabolism made it tough though.
"I'm soooo cooooold." The speedster whined loudly. "I'm bundled up like a pair of socks, but I'm still freezing!"
"If I hear you complain one more time, I'm gonna bash your brains in with this nightstick and you'll never have to worry about being cold AGAIN!!" Craig spat venomously.
"Stand down, Darkstar!" Cover Girl ordered sternly.
"I am SICK of hearing that silver-haired baby whine, complain, and moan!" Craig snapped. "How does Wanda put up with him?"
"I am not a baby!" Quicksilver snapped back.
"I got used to it. I learned to ignore it." Wanda sighed. Her face then formed a smirk. "Don't forget our date tonight, Craig." She reminded sweetly. Darkstar started muttering under his breath about the pool game while blushing.
"Don't worry bro." Paul waved, smiling like always. "I can give you some tips." The adult Joes decided to join in the fun.
"Way to go, Darkstar." Low Light smiled. Cover Girl tussled his wild hair.
"I knew you liked Wanda. I could tell from the first moment I saw you see her."
"Love is an incredible thing. Many good things it has been known to bring." Roadblock grinned. Spirit smiled and shook his head in amazement. Darkstar was very uncomfortable and angry. He didn't like being the center of attention. Not like Paul.
"I'M ONLY TAKING WANDA OUT ON A DATE BECAUSE SHE BEAT ME IN A POOL GAME!!! THAT IS IT!!!!" Craig yelled in rage, his eye glowing purple.
"You know you want her." Lance laughed. Paul started singing.
"I've been really tryyyin', bay-beh..." Paul sang, doing a great Marvin Gaye.
"I'M GONNA BLAST YOU CLOWNS!!!" Craig's eye glowed purple, indicating he was about to use his eye laser, but Cover Girl quickly shut it and held it shut.
"Craig! You'll cause a disaster!" She cried out. "We were only having fun."
"I will not be insulted like this!" Craig spat. "I will not be treated with disrespect!"
"Calm down, Darkstar." Blob sat Craig back down. "We're sorry."
"Yeah." Cover Girl said. "I know you're very critical about what people say about you. But you must understand, we weren't trying to make you feel bad. Some jokes do that, but the ones we were making were meant to be funny. Sometimes, it's best to just laugh at yourself. Laugh at your faults."
"Like your bad temper and confrontational nature." Blob smiled. Craig said nothing and crossed his arms.
"Whatever." Darkstar grumbled. He was obviously not in a very good mood.
"Yee-HAH!!!" Wild Bill called out as the chopper landed. "We're near the coordinates, boys and girls! Be careful out there. I'll be waiting if you need backup."
"Thanks, Wild Bill." Cover Girl said. She turned to Xi. "Uh, Xi...Can you...handle the cold?" Cover Girl tried to be delicate.
"I may be part reptilian, but I am warm-blooded. Temperature will not affect my performance." Xi said.
"Just wanted to be sure." The ex-model said. The teens were boarding Snowcats, Joe snowmobiles. Naturally, the adult Joes were piloting. One had Lance, Fred, Xi, Spirit, and Cover Girl, a second had Todd, Paul, Craig, Althea and Roadblock, and a third had Low Light and Pietro inside. The three vehicles moved out and drove on. They drove to the exact coordinates, but found nothing.
"Spirit to Roadblock. Come in Roadblock."
"Roadblock here. Comin' in loud and clear."
"There's nothing here."
"Right. Everybody out!" Roadblock said. The group got out of the vehicles and looked around.
"I don't understand. These are the right coordinates!" Cover Girl checked the map.
"I knew it! I knew he couldn't be trusted!" Craig yelled in anger, kicking the snow. "Now we're here in the middle of freakin' Antarctica, freezing our butts off!"
"Heh." Pietro smirked. "And you said I whine too much."
"Shut up, Maximoff!" Craig pulled his nightstick from his jacket. "You want your skull fractured?"
"Oooh, I'm so scared!" Pietro mocked. Meanwhile, Lance and Low Light were walking around, checking out the Antarctic landscape.
"Beautiful, huh?" Lance asked Low Light.
"Yeah, I guess." The mutant marksman shrugged. He looked around and saw something. "Hey, what's that?" He pointed to a weird rock that was sticking out of the snowy ground. The strange thing about the rock was that the rock had little snow on it. Lance looked over at it and smiled.
"Rockin'!" Avalanche smiled and ran up to the rock, examining it. "It's beautiful!"
"Are you nuts, kid?" Low Light asked Lance.
"Hey, if I can take this rock back, I can send a piece of it to Kitty." Lance pulled with glee, but it wouldn't budge. "Hey, this stupid...wait a minute..." Lance appeared to be concentrating for a second. "This rock ain't talkin' to me!"
"Huh?" Low Light scratched his head.
"When I touch rocks, or the ground, or anything natural, I tend to have psychic flashes at times, like that guy on the Dead Zone. It's like the earth is talking to me."
"You are wearing gloves. Maybe you have to touch it with your bare hands."
"Oh yeah." Lance remembered. "Gimme a hand. I can take this rock and send some of it to Kitty."
"Alright." Low Light sighed. He got on one knee and helped Lance pull, but the rock suddenly glowed a bright blue. "One weird rock."
"No kidding!" Lance quipped. When the rock glowed, a trap elevator activated and went downward, taking Roadblock, the Starr Brothers, Toad, and Wavedancer with it.
"Hey! What the!" Toad yelled as they went down.
"Todd! Althea!" Xi and the others tried to grab them, but they were too late.
"Aw snap!" Roadblock spat. "What's going on?" Craig instinctively held on to his nightstick and looked around quickly. Toad and Althea readied their bo staffs, while Paul's eye glowed.
"Search me, yo." Toad quipped.
"Be careful, guys." Althea warned. "Anything can happen."
"No problem." Paul smiled. "What's the worst that could happen?"
"We could get swarmed by Cobras!" Craig snapped.
"We can take 'em." Paul laughed. "We are good-lookin', super-powered, butt- kickin' machines!" The elevator stopped and an automatic door opened.
"Stay behind me, kids." Roadblock cocked his laser rifle. "Don't want Cobra blastin' off your lids."
"Does he always talk like that?" Craig groaned.
"Yeah." Toad smiled. "That's our Roadblock." The chamber was a big lounge, with tan walls, a dark red carpet, and a huge monitor with a couple tan couches. "Huh? What is this, yo?"
"Maybe it's a Lizard Lounge." Paul quipped. "Ow!" Craig slapped him upside the head.
"Moron." Darkstar growled. Suddenly, a panel on the floor opened and a robot emerged from the panel. It had a head like a light bulb and a goofy smiley face made of lights. "What in the devil is this?" Craig asked impatiently.
"Robot! Cool!" Paul looked it over. "Man, this thing can't even turn into a cool car!"
"What is it?" Toad knocked its head with his fist like a door.
"I know I've seen one of these before..." Althea tried to remember.
"Greetings." The robot said.
"What the-?" Roadblock's eyes bulged.
"It talked!" Paul was taken back.
"Welcome to Cobra Rest and Relaxation Base #9." The robot greeted.
"Now I remember!" Althea grinned.
"I knew it! I KNEW it!" Craig threw his arms up in the air.
"Please enjoy our facilities." The robot made a motion to the monitor. "You can work out in the Cobra Commander Gymnasium." The monitor showed Cobra soldiers working out.
"Boy, and some say Pietro's an egomaniac." Craig slapped his forehead with his palm.
"No kidding." Todd agreed, rolling his eyes. The robot continued.
"Dining facilities are available in the Destro Cafeteria." The monitor changed view to one of soldiers getting food in a cafeteria line.
"I could go for a burger." Paul joked. "I'll hit the place right now. Anyone want anything?"
"I'd love some chocolate cake." Althea laughed, joking along. Craig shook his head.
"Entertainments are held in the Zartan Entertainment Center." The picture changed to a row of dancing girls in pretty dresses. "Tonight, the Cobra Cuties will be performing."
"Good thing Quickie ain't here. He'd have a heart attack." Craig smirked.
"Yeah. He'd be beggin' to see the babes." Paul was quiet for a second, but then he grabbed Roadblock's shirt and started begging. "Pleeeeeeease, let's see the dancing girls!" Todd and Althea laughed.
"You have a girlfriend, moron!" Craig snapped.
"So do you." Paul quipped back.
"WANDA IS NOT MY GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!" Craig screamed.
"Calm down, Darkstar." Roadblock said. "Here, getting mad won't get you far. Let's go. Quietly." The GI Joe and four mutants quietly sneaked away. The robot watched them go.
"Have a good time, and drive carefully."
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"Nothing." Spirit examined the area around the trap door. "There is nothing here that could trigger the trap door.
"What the heck caused it to activate then?!?!" Pietro snapped.
"Obviously nothing around the door, genius." Wanda smirked at her speedster brother. Lance appeared to be thinking for a minute. "What're you thinking about, Lance?"
"Well, I saw this weird rock..." Lance remembered. "I was trying to take it out of the ground so I could send it to Kitty."
"Aw man, everywhere we go, Lance has to mention Kitty!" Quicksilver groaned.
"God Avalanche, can't you go five minutes without pining over Kitty?!?!" Wanda grumbled.
"All I said was I wanted to send the rock to her." Lance was confused. "I wasn't pining!"
"Enough!" Low Light groaned. "We were trying to move it when the rock glowed."
"Maybe it was the trigger." Cover Girl deduced. "When Lance and Low Light made the rock glow, it triggered the trapdoor."
"Take us to the rock." Spirit told the marksman.
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"Wow." Paul said in amazement. He, Craig, Toad, Althea, and Roadblock were at the Destro Cafeteria. It was a huge room full of tables like a school cafeteria. Unfortunately, it was full of Cobra soldiers having lunch.
"There must be a couple hundred troops in here." Craig grumbled. "Paul, our hypnotic powers aren't strong enough to deal with that many."
"Maybe they'll be strong enough with some spinach." Paul quipped. Unfortunately, a soldier happened to spot them. "Oh boy."
"Sound the alarm! It's GI Joe!" One soldier ran to an alarm box and sounded it.
"What?" A man in the command module cried out. He had gelled blond hair and looked like a disco dancer, with the Cobra logo on his jacket. He turned on the surveillance camera and saw the four Misfits and Roadblock there. "There's got to be more Joes outside the base!" He yelled into the microphone. "Send out the HISS tanks!" Inside the cafeteria, however, the Cobra soldiers didn't have their weapons, so they had to improvise. They pitched food.
"Nice work bigmouth!" Craig yelled.
"Get down!" Althea ordered. She and Toad flipped a couple round tables up and hid behind them. "I love a good food fight!" She grinned. Paul caught a piece of chocolate cake in mid-air.
"Cake?" He offered Althea the piece.
"Thank you." She took the cake and munched down. Toad stared at her, wanting some. She smiled and kissed his cheek, leaving chocolate lip marks on him.
"How do we take 'em out?" Craig growled. "We can't use our eye beams."
"It's a food fight, Darkstar!" Paul caught a banana and threw it back. "Use the food! We've been in food fights before!"
"Can't we just fight 'em like normal people?" Craig grumbled.
"In this outfit, you must learn to adapt, Darkstar." Roadblock caught a herring. "If you can adapt, you will go very far." The heavy machine gunner smacked an advancing Cobra soldier with the fish. Craig sighed.
"Might as well." He groaned. Darkstar grabbed an apple, and put his head over the makeshift table barricade. "HEY COBRA!!" Craig pitched the apple and it bonked one Cobra soldier in the head.
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"LOOK!!!" Xi pointed ahead of him. Approximately ten HISS tanks advanced on the remaining Joe team, complete with some ground troops covering them.
"Beautiful, just beautiful." Low Light grumbled.
"To the Snowcats!" Spirit ordered.
"Prepare to engage. YO JOE!!!" Cover Girl cried out. Two Snowcats advanced on the HISS tanks, using their superior speed to easily outmaneuver them. Spirit and Low Light were piloting. Cover Girl and the Misfits hid behind the remaining one, taking care of the ground forces.
"Xi! Pietro! Use your invisibility and speed to surprise them!" Lance ordered. He was using earthquakes to disorient them and Wanda used her hexbolts to render their weapons useless.
"No problem!" Xi turned invisible and Pietro used his speed to confuse the soldiers, while the snake mutant used his fists and feet to knock them out cold.
"Let's go!" Cover Girl jumped in the Snowcat. "Roadblock and Spirit will need us!"
"Right!" Lance, Wanda, Pietro, and Xi jumped in and they engaged the tanks.
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"HA HA!!!" Althea laughed as she dodged some fruit while pitching vegetables. "I am the Queen of Food Fights! You can't stop me!" Craig and Paul were throwing bananas like boomerangs, while Roadblock was right in the fray, smacking Cobras left and right with big herrings. Toad threw French bread loaves like spears.
"Enough child's play!" Craig yelled, pulling out his nightstick. Darkstar loudly screamed an animalistic battle cry as he jumped into the fray, bashing skulls in with his nightstick.
"Bro, wait up!" Paul grabbed a couple strings of sausage links and followed his street thug twin, twirling the links like nunchucks, laughing insanely. "Hail to the king, baby! WHOO!!!"
"Are those two nuts?!?!" Toad asked.
"You gotta admit, those Starr brothers have a lot of guts." Wavedancer quipped, rhyming.
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"I want my mommy! WAHHH!!!" Quicksilver whined loudly as the HISS tank sent the Snowcat spinning.
"I think I'm gonna be sick." Lance turned green.
"Whatever you do Lance, don't hurl!" Cover Girl advised. After all the spinning, the snowmobile landed on its side.
"Look at all the pretty colors." Scarlet Witch grinned goofily, her brain temporarily scrambled by the spinning.
"Everybody out!" Cover Girl and the mutants leapt out. She pulled out her laser rifle and fired at the tanks.
"Allow me." A smiling Fred removed a missile from the side and threw it at the tank. The missile hit the tank, making it explode.
"Remind me to introduce you to a Joe named Chuckles." Cover Girl laughed. The others were able to deal with the remaining tanks, after Quicksilver and Avalanche used their speed and earthquakes to disable the machines. However, more HISS tanks arrived.
"Perfect." Xi grumbled.
"Low Light to base. Send some help here!" Low Light yelled into his communicator. A helicopter flew in and started blasting the tanks. "Wild Bill!"
"Yeeeee-HAH!!!" The Texan crowed. "I knew you could use some help here!"
"Thank the Great Spirit." Spirit smiled.
"Let's blast that base! YO JOE!!!" Wild Bill cheered. The snowmobiles and Joe helicopter blasted the base.
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"Well, that was fun." Paul smiled as he looked over the bodies of all the soldiers. Most were unconscious. The remaining were slapped silly.
"Horseradish!" One Cobra chanted in a goofy manner. The roof started to shake and the sound of an explosion was heard.
"That idiot Lance had better not be seizuring again!" Craig grumbled.
"The roof's coming down!" Althea cried.
"Wait!" Roadblock stopped the kids. The roof stopped shaking. It was as if only the floor above them was destroyed.
"Now I'm confused." Paul scratched his head.
"No surprise." Craig smirked. "You're always confused."
"Let's get outta here." Althea said. A Cobra soldier ran around, screaming about butterflies and bananas, obviously smacked stupid by a fish. Craig knocked him out with his nightstick.
"Please." He said. The team quickly got out of the room. Meanwhile, the disco dancer-looking guy was watching this on his monitor.
"Aw man! Those freaks are tough! I'd better get outta here before they catch me!!" The man tried to get out of there. He ran down a hall to an escape jet, but Roadblock caught him.
"Hey!" Roadblock started chasing after him.
"Oh shoot!" The man started running away faster, but Toad was after him too.
"Stay for the party, yo!" Toad fired his long tongue, wrapping it around the man's ankles. He fell down on his face.
"Nice job, Todd!" Roadblock gave him a thumbs up.
"Hankth, Hoadbloch!" Toad tried to smile. The others caught up to him and grabbed him.
"Roadblock to Cover Girl. We found a friend here." Roadblock grinned, grabbing the man. A little later, the Joes and Misfits were fully reunited, and the man was tied to a wall.
"Alright." Craig scowled at the man, brandishing his nightstick. "You will provide me with some information. Who is the Viper? Why did he send us these coordinates?"
"I ain't tellin' no mutie anything!" The man snapped. Craig continued scowling.
"I suppose you won't miss your legs." Craig raised his nightstick, about to bash the man's lower legs to bits, when the Joes stopped him. "LET ME GO NOW!!!"
"That is not the way!" Cover Girl said.
"Yeah." Paul agreed, smiling. "Don't you remember? We have the power to hypnotize people. We can hypnotize him and make him tell us. He'll tell the truth under hypnosis." Paul turned to the man. "This won't hurt a bit." Paul's right eye released a bright flash of purple light, and the man's eyes started glowing a bright purple. He was under Paul's control now. "See? Now tell me." Starchild paused for a second. "Are you an idiot?"
"No, I merely dress like one." The man replied in a monotone voice. Paul burst out laughing.
"Paul Stanley Starr, get the info we need! NOW!" Low Light snapped. A laughing Paul waved at him.
"Alright, alright. Sorry." Paul laughed happily. "Now, who is the Viper?"
"I have never heard of The Viper." The man responded.
"Is he lying?" Spirit raised an eyebrow at the guitar player.
"Nope. He can't under my power." Paul grinned. "Watch this." Starchild turned to the man. "Sing the theme from 'The Greatest American Hero'." The man immediately started singing the song.
"Wow." Lance said. "Really wow. Thank God you guys aren't X-Geeks."
"Nah. Just having an affair with one." Paul quipped.
"Believe it or not, I'm walking on air..." The man sang.
"Oh shut up." Wanda smacked him upside the head.
"Forceful. Your kind of chick, bro." Paul grinned at Craig.
"SHUT UP PAUL!!!" Darkstar snapped.
"Let's go home." Cover Girl sighed. "This has been a weird mission." Unbeknownst to them, a very tiny mechanical fly was watching the Misfits.
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"$*#$(@$*@$^@^%#!@*&#($&@!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Cobra Commander screamed. "VIPER!!!!!" The blue-cowled terrorist leader yelled, pointed at a shadowed muscular figure with a long tail. "Why did you cause my base to be destroyed by those lousy maniac Joes!!!"
"Part of my plan, Commander." The figure responded plainly. "I am observing my prey. Learning the strength and weaknesses of the Misfits. As an assassin, it is my duty to learn about my prey. It makes eliminating them easier, yet...more fun."
"Viper, you may be the greatest assassin alive, but remember, Cobra hired you!" Cobra Commander growled.
"You want these mutants dealt with, they will be dealt with. My way." The figure turned and left. "Those mistakes will be removed. You can be assured of that."
"I hope so. Once they go, the Joes will be badly weakened." Cobra Commander thought. He looked around his office. "Where's my coffee?"
Uh oh! Looks like our merry Misfits are in big trouble! What'll happen next? And will Cobra Commander get his coffee? Find out in Part 3 of: The Misfits vs. The Viper.
Disclaimer: Red Witch owns Althea and Xi. I own Paul and Craig Starr. The GI Joes and the other Misfits aren't mine. Lance, Toad, Pietro, Freddy and Wanda belong to Marvel.
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Chapter 2:
"All he said was 5, 35." Hawk said through the Joe-Com.
"What do the numbers 5 and 35 have to do with the Misfits?" Roadblock asked.
"I know." Craig smirked. "5 is Paul's mental age and 35 is Blob's IQ."
"Real hilarious, Craig." Blob rolled his eyes.
"Good one, bro." Paul cheered sarcastically. "You just revolutionized comedy."
"They could be map coordinates." Xi reasoned, taking an atlas out of a bookshelf. He laid it on the pool table and turned to a map of the world. "There are only four possibilities: 5 North, 35 East..." The half-man, half- snake pointed out on the map as he talked. "5 North, 35 West...5 South, 35 East...and 5 South, 35 West."
"We'll have to split up and go to four different spots, General." Althea said. "There aren't enough of us for that. My loony sisters are at SHIELD helping fix some things, and Claudius and Barney are only babies."
"We have heard rumors of a Cobra base around 5 South, 35 East." Hawk remembered.
"That's in Antarctica." Xi examined the map. "Why would Cobra have a base there?"
"Maybe they're cookin' up something big." Lance thought.
"Maybe, but why us?" Paul wondered. "Us Misfits are only backup."
"Maybe this 'Viper' feels that only the Misfits can stop whatever Cobra's cooking up. Our mutant abilities do give us an advantage over the regular Joes." Craig crossed his arms and scowled. "I don't trust him. It could be a trap set by Cobra or some anti-mutant group. I have tussled with FOH members in the past. And I never needed my powers to beat them."
"But what if it's real, Craig?" Todd asked. "If Cobra's got a weapon or somethin', yo..."
"Hawk, I don't think..." Barbecue started.
"I know what you're going to say, Barbecue." Hawk finished. "And I agree. The kids might have some trouble there. So I'm asking you and Roadblock to back them up. A couple other Joes will be there as well to help. You Misfits must find out what's going on there and put a stop to it."
"With all the insanity that goes on around you people, I wouldn't be one bit surprised if the Cobra base turns out to be an oversized rest area." Craig grumbled.
"Only one way to find out, bro." Paul smiled. He then formed a horn with his hands and made bugle noises through it. "CHARGE!!!!" Paul ran out of the clubhouse.
"Are you sure he never drank BA's coffee, Craig?" Wanda asked.
"He's always like this, BA's coffee or no BA's coffee." Craig growled.
"Glad to see Paul's excited." Hawk smiled.
"We'll do it." Althea said.
"When the Misfits are around, Cobra's plans are gonna drown!" Toad cheered, following the departed Paul.
"He's definitely been around you waaaaay too long." Pietro sighed at Roadblock. The gourmet chef simply smiled with pride. The other Misfits walked out of the clubhouse and got ready for their mission. Later on, the team of teen mutants and a couple Joes were with them, riding in a special helicopter adapted to the cold. Wild Bill, ace Texan Joe pilot, was behind the controls. They all wore winter clothes.
"I'm cooooooold!" Pietro whined.
"Shut up Maximoff!" Craig snapped.
"If you're so cold Quicksilver, why don't you rub your hands together with your speed?" Xi snickered.
"I'll set myself on fire!" Pietro exclaimed.
"I'll get the marshmallows." Wanda smirked. She looked around and saw the gang. Cover Girl, Spirit, and Roadblock were with them, as was Low Light, a mutant Joe marksman with the ability to turn his body into any substance. They were all talking amongst themselves. Lance was patting his sides in an attempt to stay warm. Paul didn't seem to notice the cold. He was whistling a song Wanda recognized as Kiss's "Rock 'n' Roll All Night". Craig was silent, polishing a police officer's nightstick he had with him. Paul told her that Craig stole it from an LA cop when he was twelve and he had it ever since. She then remembered Paul's joke after it: "My brother proved he feared nothing that day. If you can swipe something from an LA cop and live to tell about it, you are truly without fear." Althea was playing cards with Todd and Xi. Upon closer inspection, Althea and Todd were teaching Xi how to play "Go Fish." Blob was playing with a paddleball. Pietro was trying to take his mind off the cold by taking a nap. His mutant metabolism made it tough though.
"I'm soooo cooooold." The speedster whined loudly. "I'm bundled up like a pair of socks, but I'm still freezing!"
"If I hear you complain one more time, I'm gonna bash your brains in with this nightstick and you'll never have to worry about being cold AGAIN!!" Craig spat venomously.
"Stand down, Darkstar!" Cover Girl ordered sternly.
"I am SICK of hearing that silver-haired baby whine, complain, and moan!" Craig snapped. "How does Wanda put up with him?"
"I am not a baby!" Quicksilver snapped back.
"I got used to it. I learned to ignore it." Wanda sighed. Her face then formed a smirk. "Don't forget our date tonight, Craig." She reminded sweetly. Darkstar started muttering under his breath about the pool game while blushing.
"Don't worry bro." Paul waved, smiling like always. "I can give you some tips." The adult Joes decided to join in the fun.
"Way to go, Darkstar." Low Light smiled. Cover Girl tussled his wild hair.
"I knew you liked Wanda. I could tell from the first moment I saw you see her."
"Love is an incredible thing. Many good things it has been known to bring." Roadblock grinned. Spirit smiled and shook his head in amazement. Darkstar was very uncomfortable and angry. He didn't like being the center of attention. Not like Paul.
"I'M ONLY TAKING WANDA OUT ON A DATE BECAUSE SHE BEAT ME IN A POOL GAME!!! THAT IS IT!!!!" Craig yelled in rage, his eye glowing purple.
"You know you want her." Lance laughed. Paul started singing.
"I've been really tryyyin', bay-beh..." Paul sang, doing a great Marvin Gaye.
"I'M GONNA BLAST YOU CLOWNS!!!" Craig's eye glowed purple, indicating he was about to use his eye laser, but Cover Girl quickly shut it and held it shut.
"Craig! You'll cause a disaster!" She cried out. "We were only having fun."
"I will not be insulted like this!" Craig spat. "I will not be treated with disrespect!"
"Calm down, Darkstar." Blob sat Craig back down. "We're sorry."
"Yeah." Cover Girl said. "I know you're very critical about what people say about you. But you must understand, we weren't trying to make you feel bad. Some jokes do that, but the ones we were making were meant to be funny. Sometimes, it's best to just laugh at yourself. Laugh at your faults."
"Like your bad temper and confrontational nature." Blob smiled. Craig said nothing and crossed his arms.
"Whatever." Darkstar grumbled. He was obviously not in a very good mood.
"Yee-HAH!!!" Wild Bill called out as the chopper landed. "We're near the coordinates, boys and girls! Be careful out there. I'll be waiting if you need backup."
"Thanks, Wild Bill." Cover Girl said. She turned to Xi. "Uh, Xi...Can you...handle the cold?" Cover Girl tried to be delicate.
"I may be part reptilian, but I am warm-blooded. Temperature will not affect my performance." Xi said.
"Just wanted to be sure." The ex-model said. The teens were boarding Snowcats, Joe snowmobiles. Naturally, the adult Joes were piloting. One had Lance, Fred, Xi, Spirit, and Cover Girl, a second had Todd, Paul, Craig, Althea and Roadblock, and a third had Low Light and Pietro inside. The three vehicles moved out and drove on. They drove to the exact coordinates, but found nothing.
"Spirit to Roadblock. Come in Roadblock."
"Roadblock here. Comin' in loud and clear."
"There's nothing here."
"Right. Everybody out!" Roadblock said. The group got out of the vehicles and looked around.
"I don't understand. These are the right coordinates!" Cover Girl checked the map.
"I knew it! I knew he couldn't be trusted!" Craig yelled in anger, kicking the snow. "Now we're here in the middle of freakin' Antarctica, freezing our butts off!"
"Heh." Pietro smirked. "And you said I whine too much."
"Shut up, Maximoff!" Craig pulled his nightstick from his jacket. "You want your skull fractured?"
"Oooh, I'm so scared!" Pietro mocked. Meanwhile, Lance and Low Light were walking around, checking out the Antarctic landscape.
"Beautiful, huh?" Lance asked Low Light.
"Yeah, I guess." The mutant marksman shrugged. He looked around and saw something. "Hey, what's that?" He pointed to a weird rock that was sticking out of the snowy ground. The strange thing about the rock was that the rock had little snow on it. Lance looked over at it and smiled.
"Rockin'!" Avalanche smiled and ran up to the rock, examining it. "It's beautiful!"
"Are you nuts, kid?" Low Light asked Lance.
"Hey, if I can take this rock back, I can send a piece of it to Kitty." Lance pulled with glee, but it wouldn't budge. "Hey, this stupid...wait a minute..." Lance appeared to be concentrating for a second. "This rock ain't talkin' to me!"
"Huh?" Low Light scratched his head.
"When I touch rocks, or the ground, or anything natural, I tend to have psychic flashes at times, like that guy on the Dead Zone. It's like the earth is talking to me."
"You are wearing gloves. Maybe you have to touch it with your bare hands."
"Oh yeah." Lance remembered. "Gimme a hand. I can take this rock and send some of it to Kitty."
"Alright." Low Light sighed. He got on one knee and helped Lance pull, but the rock suddenly glowed a bright blue. "One weird rock."
"No kidding!" Lance quipped. When the rock glowed, a trap elevator activated and went downward, taking Roadblock, the Starr Brothers, Toad, and Wavedancer with it.
"Hey! What the!" Toad yelled as they went down.
"Todd! Althea!" Xi and the others tried to grab them, but they were too late.
"Aw snap!" Roadblock spat. "What's going on?" Craig instinctively held on to his nightstick and looked around quickly. Toad and Althea readied their bo staffs, while Paul's eye glowed.
"Search me, yo." Toad quipped.
"Be careful, guys." Althea warned. "Anything can happen."
"No problem." Paul smiled. "What's the worst that could happen?"
"We could get swarmed by Cobras!" Craig snapped.
"We can take 'em." Paul laughed. "We are good-lookin', super-powered, butt- kickin' machines!" The elevator stopped and an automatic door opened.
"Stay behind me, kids." Roadblock cocked his laser rifle. "Don't want Cobra blastin' off your lids."
"Does he always talk like that?" Craig groaned.
"Yeah." Toad smiled. "That's our Roadblock." The chamber was a big lounge, with tan walls, a dark red carpet, and a huge monitor with a couple tan couches. "Huh? What is this, yo?"
"Maybe it's a Lizard Lounge." Paul quipped. "Ow!" Craig slapped him upside the head.
"Moron." Darkstar growled. Suddenly, a panel on the floor opened and a robot emerged from the panel. It had a head like a light bulb and a goofy smiley face made of lights. "What in the devil is this?" Craig asked impatiently.
"Robot! Cool!" Paul looked it over. "Man, this thing can't even turn into a cool car!"
"What is it?" Toad knocked its head with his fist like a door.
"I know I've seen one of these before..." Althea tried to remember.
"Greetings." The robot said.
"What the-?" Roadblock's eyes bulged.
"It talked!" Paul was taken back.
"Welcome to Cobra Rest and Relaxation Base #9." The robot greeted.
"Now I remember!" Althea grinned.
"I knew it! I KNEW it!" Craig threw his arms up in the air.
"Please enjoy our facilities." The robot made a motion to the monitor. "You can work out in the Cobra Commander Gymnasium." The monitor showed Cobra soldiers working out.
"Boy, and some say Pietro's an egomaniac." Craig slapped his forehead with his palm.
"No kidding." Todd agreed, rolling his eyes. The robot continued.
"Dining facilities are available in the Destro Cafeteria." The monitor changed view to one of soldiers getting food in a cafeteria line.
"I could go for a burger." Paul joked. "I'll hit the place right now. Anyone want anything?"
"I'd love some chocolate cake." Althea laughed, joking along. Craig shook his head.
"Entertainments are held in the Zartan Entertainment Center." The picture changed to a row of dancing girls in pretty dresses. "Tonight, the Cobra Cuties will be performing."
"Good thing Quickie ain't here. He'd have a heart attack." Craig smirked.
"Yeah. He'd be beggin' to see the babes." Paul was quiet for a second, but then he grabbed Roadblock's shirt and started begging. "Pleeeeeeease, let's see the dancing girls!" Todd and Althea laughed.
"You have a girlfriend, moron!" Craig snapped.
"So do you." Paul quipped back.
"WANDA IS NOT MY GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!" Craig screamed.
"Calm down, Darkstar." Roadblock said. "Here, getting mad won't get you far. Let's go. Quietly." The GI Joe and four mutants quietly sneaked away. The robot watched them go.
"Have a good time, and drive carefully."
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"Nothing." Spirit examined the area around the trap door. "There is nothing here that could trigger the trap door.
"What the heck caused it to activate then?!?!" Pietro snapped.
"Obviously nothing around the door, genius." Wanda smirked at her speedster brother. Lance appeared to be thinking for a minute. "What're you thinking about, Lance?"
"Well, I saw this weird rock..." Lance remembered. "I was trying to take it out of the ground so I could send it to Kitty."
"Aw man, everywhere we go, Lance has to mention Kitty!" Quicksilver groaned.
"God Avalanche, can't you go five minutes without pining over Kitty?!?!" Wanda grumbled.
"All I said was I wanted to send the rock to her." Lance was confused. "I wasn't pining!"
"Enough!" Low Light groaned. "We were trying to move it when the rock glowed."
"Maybe it was the trigger." Cover Girl deduced. "When Lance and Low Light made the rock glow, it triggered the trapdoor."
"Take us to the rock." Spirit told the marksman.
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"Wow." Paul said in amazement. He, Craig, Toad, Althea, and Roadblock were at the Destro Cafeteria. It was a huge room full of tables like a school cafeteria. Unfortunately, it was full of Cobra soldiers having lunch.
"There must be a couple hundred troops in here." Craig grumbled. "Paul, our hypnotic powers aren't strong enough to deal with that many."
"Maybe they'll be strong enough with some spinach." Paul quipped. Unfortunately, a soldier happened to spot them. "Oh boy."
"Sound the alarm! It's GI Joe!" One soldier ran to an alarm box and sounded it.
"What?" A man in the command module cried out. He had gelled blond hair and looked like a disco dancer, with the Cobra logo on his jacket. He turned on the surveillance camera and saw the four Misfits and Roadblock there. "There's got to be more Joes outside the base!" He yelled into the microphone. "Send out the HISS tanks!" Inside the cafeteria, however, the Cobra soldiers didn't have their weapons, so they had to improvise. They pitched food.
"Nice work bigmouth!" Craig yelled.
"Get down!" Althea ordered. She and Toad flipped a couple round tables up and hid behind them. "I love a good food fight!" She grinned. Paul caught a piece of chocolate cake in mid-air.
"Cake?" He offered Althea the piece.
"Thank you." She took the cake and munched down. Toad stared at her, wanting some. She smiled and kissed his cheek, leaving chocolate lip marks on him.
"How do we take 'em out?" Craig growled. "We can't use our eye beams."
"It's a food fight, Darkstar!" Paul caught a banana and threw it back. "Use the food! We've been in food fights before!"
"Can't we just fight 'em like normal people?" Craig grumbled.
"In this outfit, you must learn to adapt, Darkstar." Roadblock caught a herring. "If you can adapt, you will go very far." The heavy machine gunner smacked an advancing Cobra soldier with the fish. Craig sighed.
"Might as well." He groaned. Darkstar grabbed an apple, and put his head over the makeshift table barricade. "HEY COBRA!!" Craig pitched the apple and it bonked one Cobra soldier in the head.
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"LOOK!!!" Xi pointed ahead of him. Approximately ten HISS tanks advanced on the remaining Joe team, complete with some ground troops covering them.
"Beautiful, just beautiful." Low Light grumbled.
"To the Snowcats!" Spirit ordered.
"Prepare to engage. YO JOE!!!" Cover Girl cried out. Two Snowcats advanced on the HISS tanks, using their superior speed to easily outmaneuver them. Spirit and Low Light were piloting. Cover Girl and the Misfits hid behind the remaining one, taking care of the ground forces.
"Xi! Pietro! Use your invisibility and speed to surprise them!" Lance ordered. He was using earthquakes to disorient them and Wanda used her hexbolts to render their weapons useless.
"No problem!" Xi turned invisible and Pietro used his speed to confuse the soldiers, while the snake mutant used his fists and feet to knock them out cold.
"Let's go!" Cover Girl jumped in the Snowcat. "Roadblock and Spirit will need us!"
"Right!" Lance, Wanda, Pietro, and Xi jumped in and they engaged the tanks.
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"HA HA!!!" Althea laughed as she dodged some fruit while pitching vegetables. "I am the Queen of Food Fights! You can't stop me!" Craig and Paul were throwing bananas like boomerangs, while Roadblock was right in the fray, smacking Cobras left and right with big herrings. Toad threw French bread loaves like spears.
"Enough child's play!" Craig yelled, pulling out his nightstick. Darkstar loudly screamed an animalistic battle cry as he jumped into the fray, bashing skulls in with his nightstick.
"Bro, wait up!" Paul grabbed a couple strings of sausage links and followed his street thug twin, twirling the links like nunchucks, laughing insanely. "Hail to the king, baby! WHOO!!!"
"Are those two nuts?!?!" Toad asked.
"You gotta admit, those Starr brothers have a lot of guts." Wavedancer quipped, rhyming.
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"I want my mommy! WAHHH!!!" Quicksilver whined loudly as the HISS tank sent the Snowcat spinning.
"I think I'm gonna be sick." Lance turned green.
"Whatever you do Lance, don't hurl!" Cover Girl advised. After all the spinning, the snowmobile landed on its side.
"Look at all the pretty colors." Scarlet Witch grinned goofily, her brain temporarily scrambled by the spinning.
"Everybody out!" Cover Girl and the mutants leapt out. She pulled out her laser rifle and fired at the tanks.
"Allow me." A smiling Fred removed a missile from the side and threw it at the tank. The missile hit the tank, making it explode.
"Remind me to introduce you to a Joe named Chuckles." Cover Girl laughed. The others were able to deal with the remaining tanks, after Quicksilver and Avalanche used their speed and earthquakes to disable the machines. However, more HISS tanks arrived.
"Perfect." Xi grumbled.
"Low Light to base. Send some help here!" Low Light yelled into his communicator. A helicopter flew in and started blasting the tanks. "Wild Bill!"
"Yeeeee-HAH!!!" The Texan crowed. "I knew you could use some help here!"
"Thank the Great Spirit." Spirit smiled.
"Let's blast that base! YO JOE!!!" Wild Bill cheered. The snowmobiles and Joe helicopter blasted the base.
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"Well, that was fun." Paul smiled as he looked over the bodies of all the soldiers. Most were unconscious. The remaining were slapped silly.
"Horseradish!" One Cobra chanted in a goofy manner. The roof started to shake and the sound of an explosion was heard.
"That idiot Lance had better not be seizuring again!" Craig grumbled.
"The roof's coming down!" Althea cried.
"Wait!" Roadblock stopped the kids. The roof stopped shaking. It was as if only the floor above them was destroyed.
"Now I'm confused." Paul scratched his head.
"No surprise." Craig smirked. "You're always confused."
"Let's get outta here." Althea said. A Cobra soldier ran around, screaming about butterflies and bananas, obviously smacked stupid by a fish. Craig knocked him out with his nightstick.
"Please." He said. The team quickly got out of the room. Meanwhile, the disco dancer-looking guy was watching this on his monitor.
"Aw man! Those freaks are tough! I'd better get outta here before they catch me!!" The man tried to get out of there. He ran down a hall to an escape jet, but Roadblock caught him.
"Hey!" Roadblock started chasing after him.
"Oh shoot!" The man started running away faster, but Toad was after him too.
"Stay for the party, yo!" Toad fired his long tongue, wrapping it around the man's ankles. He fell down on his face.
"Nice job, Todd!" Roadblock gave him a thumbs up.
"Hankth, Hoadbloch!" Toad tried to smile. The others caught up to him and grabbed him.
"Roadblock to Cover Girl. We found a friend here." Roadblock grinned, grabbing the man. A little later, the Joes and Misfits were fully reunited, and the man was tied to a wall.
"Alright." Craig scowled at the man, brandishing his nightstick. "You will provide me with some information. Who is the Viper? Why did he send us these coordinates?"
"I ain't tellin' no mutie anything!" The man snapped. Craig continued scowling.
"I suppose you won't miss your legs." Craig raised his nightstick, about to bash the man's lower legs to bits, when the Joes stopped him. "LET ME GO NOW!!!"
"That is not the way!" Cover Girl said.
"Yeah." Paul agreed, smiling. "Don't you remember? We have the power to hypnotize people. We can hypnotize him and make him tell us. He'll tell the truth under hypnosis." Paul turned to the man. "This won't hurt a bit." Paul's right eye released a bright flash of purple light, and the man's eyes started glowing a bright purple. He was under Paul's control now. "See? Now tell me." Starchild paused for a second. "Are you an idiot?"
"No, I merely dress like one." The man replied in a monotone voice. Paul burst out laughing.
"Paul Stanley Starr, get the info we need! NOW!" Low Light snapped. A laughing Paul waved at him.
"Alright, alright. Sorry." Paul laughed happily. "Now, who is the Viper?"
"I have never heard of The Viper." The man responded.
"Is he lying?" Spirit raised an eyebrow at the guitar player.
"Nope. He can't under my power." Paul grinned. "Watch this." Starchild turned to the man. "Sing the theme from 'The Greatest American Hero'." The man immediately started singing the song.
"Wow." Lance said. "Really wow. Thank God you guys aren't X-Geeks."
"Nah. Just having an affair with one." Paul quipped.
"Believe it or not, I'm walking on air..." The man sang.
"Oh shut up." Wanda smacked him upside the head.
"Forceful. Your kind of chick, bro." Paul grinned at Craig.
"SHUT UP PAUL!!!" Darkstar snapped.
"Let's go home." Cover Girl sighed. "This has been a weird mission." Unbeknownst to them, a very tiny mechanical fly was watching the Misfits.
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"$*#$(@$*@$^@^%#!@*&#($&@!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Cobra Commander screamed. "VIPER!!!!!" The blue-cowled terrorist leader yelled, pointed at a shadowed muscular figure with a long tail. "Why did you cause my base to be destroyed by those lousy maniac Joes!!!"
"Part of my plan, Commander." The figure responded plainly. "I am observing my prey. Learning the strength and weaknesses of the Misfits. As an assassin, it is my duty to learn about my prey. It makes eliminating them easier, yet...more fun."
"Viper, you may be the greatest assassin alive, but remember, Cobra hired you!" Cobra Commander growled.
"You want these mutants dealt with, they will be dealt with. My way." The figure turned and left. "Those mistakes will be removed. You can be assured of that."
"I hope so. Once they go, the Joes will be badly weakened." Cobra Commander thought. He looked around his office. "Where's my coffee?"
Uh oh! Looks like our merry Misfits are in big trouble! What'll happen next? And will Cobra Commander get his coffee? Find out in Part 3 of: The Misfits vs. The Viper.