Formerly known as

By trivia_game

Summary: Years of peace have been achieved, but Duo is still holding onto the past. Now, he's writing letters to the pilot formerly known as 01. Angsty, if I did my job right, dark, yaoi, 1x2, a couple light mentions of lime (heavier in later chapters, probably).

Disclaimer: Not mine, and you better hope it never is, or else the little kiddies (think about the 10-year-old boys who are actually **supposed** to watch the show!) will be traumatized.

Note-ness: This fic was partially inspired by the heart-wrenching lesbian book "Annie on my mind." Forgot who it's by. Good book, I started crying ;_; Anyway, I'm still going with this one. More letters from Duo, and maybe…well, we'll see.

To the pilot formerly known as 01,

Heero, don't throw this one away.

Wow. Surprise, surprise. You didn't reply. It's interesting to write with you, Heero. Well, write at you. See, when you don't reply, I can fit words in pretty arrangements and pretend you're saying them to me. I can make up my own reality for you, Heero. I can pretend, now, that you're not happily settled down with Relena, like you probably are, and pretend that you think about me every night. It's bittersweet, really. It's so easy, though, to ignore the bitter part of it, when I'm lost in sensation and warmth, pretending that those hands running across my body aren't your own. It's easy, Heero, to pretend they're yours.

Sorry for the little squiggle there in that last word…I'm laughing—it's hard to write. What's funny about this whole situation? I tried to picture you blushing as you read that, to little avail. You get flushed, when you're in your Gundam or when you're about to come. I've always found that interesting. I've always found you interesting.

I've also always found you cowardly. The way you hide yourself. The way you put up a cold front that drags everyone in, and leaves them staring at the cold brick wall that is Heero Yui. The way you lose yourself in some things as an escape—don't think I can't see it. I see it because I know it. Oh, I'm disgusted with myself too, don't think otherwise. I'm just as bad as you are. We're a lot alike, you and I. Terrible killing machines, preying on someone else's emotions, getting high off of an adrenaline that leaves us empty…we could have been something…ne?

So why did you leave, Heero? Why haven't I heard from you in two fucking years? More importantly, why am I still writing to you? I have an answer to every question except the last. You left because there was nothing here to make you stay. You haven't written or called or visited because there was no reason to. I'm still writing because I'm hoping I can erase those last two answers, I suppose.

God, this is going nowhere. It's three-thirty in the morning, and I can't think straight. You always had that effect on me. It didn't matter how fucking important a mission was, Heero, because the instant I thought of you, I would get distracted. I kept thinking of you trying to end it all. You didn't plan to survive, neither did I. I think, in theory, that at the end of the war, instead of having life burst and grow within me, a part of me died, since it had expected it all along. That's why I'm sitting here before the sun is visible and the kids are out trying to steal some breakfast, writing to a machine and hoping he'll love me.

I love you, Heero. Eight times I've said your name, so far, hoping that you'd say mine once. I love you. I never told you that, did I? No. It's better not to admit you're in love, I figured. People get hurt in love. But denial really doesn't get you anywhere, now does it? It's like some stupid little mask that everyone can see through.

Wait.

Heero, you wear a mask. What does it hide? Does it hide a smile, like the one I saw before? Or maybe that's wishful thinking. Maybe you don't smile, maybe it's not a mask, and maybe you want us all hurt. Maybe you want what J wants, whatever that entails. Maybe I'm wasting my time.

So I'll send this like I always do, pretending you care. As always…do you smile anymore?

From the pilot formerly known as 02.

PS: I wanted to write something stupid up there. I wanted to write "Love, Duo." But I'm not Duo to you, am I?

Sooooo…I want to thank everyone who reviewed my first chapter! I posted this at night and came back from school today to find 6 reviews! Okay, maybe that's not much for other people, but it was awesome for me to find! And don't worry to those that commented on it, I don't like writing Duo-torture without a happy ending either! ^_^ A reply might be in the mail right now (hint-hint). As always, please review, I'd love to hear what you think!