"Watching the Wheels"
By: Simple Intricacy
Disclaimer: Much to my dismay, The X-Files belong to Chris Carter, not me (. Categories: BF, CD, SPOV, PS9. Rating: G
"People say I'm crazy doing what I'm doing, They give me all kinds of warnings to save me from ruin. When I say that I'm ok they look at me kind of strange, Surely you're not happy now, you no longer play the game." -John Lennon, "Watching the Wheels"
In the nine years I spent with Mulder as my partner and friend, seven of which he was strictly that and no more, I have been told countless times that I should request a transfer out of the basement office and use my intellect to make my way up the chain of command, to be what these advice givers saw as successful. Several times I have had much more then I could stand and have considered heeding their advice, each time one thing and one thing alone convinced me to stay in my basement office with my 'spooky' partner. The one thing that kept my focus on the x-files was the same thing that often times made me want to quit, Mulder.
Mulder is a stubborn, opinionated, semi-selfish bastard, and at the same time he is the most caring, intelligent, drop-dead gorgeous man I have ever met. More then once I have looked at his improbable theories and had to try desperately to refrain from laughing. Those same times I saw in his eyes the purest truths and the most passionate desires. Desires I always assumed were for his work and his cases. Desires that I had been secretly wishing were directed at me. Desires I later learned were for me. Desires that I learned were as strong as my own unrequited desire for him. And because of all that I saw in his eyes and all that I saw in all that he is, I stayed. And now I'm infinitely glad that I did.
Seven years into our partnership Mulder and I took our relationship to another level, a much more serious level. Neither of us knew quite what we were getting into, neither one of us cared. All that we knew at that moment was that we had been bottled up our feelings for far too long and that we couldn't do it anymore.
Now, nine years after embarking on a long and painstaking, even physically harmful, journey with a man I didn't know, I can look back and say honestly that these nine years have been by far the best of my life.
Fox Mulder and I had a son together. I kept saying that over and over again a million times after the birth, I couldn't believe it. For nine years I had been in love with Mulder and now we have a son, an invaluable testament to the unbreakable bond between Mulder and myself. I named the baby William, after Mulder's father. Little William is a constant reminder of that love and trust, a beautiful little piece of the man I love forever and always.
Six weeks ago Mulder and I were watching a movie and he noticed we didn't' have anymore butter, this did not sit well with Mulder who thinks it 'un- American' to eat pop corn with out butter. He jumped up, stopped the tape and grabbed his keys, kissed me good-bye and ran out promising to return in moments. I shrugged my shoulders and got up to pour myself a glass of water. Twenty minutes later he still hadn't returned and I was worried. I tried calling his cell phone, a woman answered.
//"Hello?"// The woman said. //"I'm sorry I must have the wrong number.// I replied. //"Are you looking for Fox Mulder?"// //"Yes, yes I am. Who is this?// //"My name is Sarah Smith, I'm an EMT. Your husband is on his way to the hospital, there's been an accident.//
Now I wasn't sure if answering a patient's cell phone was standard procedure, but I supposed if I were in her place I would answer it too with the assumption that it was a concerned member of the family or maybe even just a friend calling to catch up, someone who could contact whoever needed to be contacted. But who needed to be contacted? Mulder had no remaining family. His sister had been lost to the illusive shadow government, his father blown up in an ancient ruin, his mother also dead. William and I were the only family Fox had left and that was a sad realization to ponder as I phoned my mother who rushed over desperately to watch Will while I raced to the hospital.
A million thoughts ran through my head.
//"What if he's dead? How am I supposed to live with out him?"// //"Fine time to die, Mulder, such a short time after we finally admitted our feelings."// I thought selfishly.
I cried in anguish. I wasn't even sure how badly he was hurt yet but I knew there were not too many things that would keep Fox Mulder from answering the cell phone, especially if a 2-minute trip took him 20 minutes and counting.
When I got to the hospital he was already on life support. A drunk driver had hit him head on at 68 miles in hour only a block from our apartment. The doctors told me not to give up home, but I am a doctor and I have yet to see or hear of anyone surviving anything this bad.
Mulder died a week later, and I spent the following week crying my eyes out. My mother watched William and I just sat in my apartment and cried, all day and all night for days on end. I didn't know what hit me, I was supposedly the 'ice queen', at least that's what they call me behind my back at the Bureau. So shouldn't an Ice Queen be able to deal with the loss of a loved one better then I am? Shouldn't she be able to take it in stride and realize that the lost one would want her to continue living her life? I knew Mulder would want me to stop crying, knew it brake his heart if he could see me like this. I wanted to get up and get William and move on with my life, I wanted to be strong. I tried and tried to be a strong person, to no avail. And more then once I wanted to die, to surrender, to throw up the white flag and end it all. I had never even contemplated suicide, not even as a teenager, but when I lost Mulder I lost my world.
For nine years I had done nothing but follow this man to the ends of the Earth and back again no matter what the journey to or from that end brought with it. After Mulder's death and after my grieving had taken it's toll on my body as well as my mind I did the one thing that was necessary, even though it was the last thing I would ever want to do, the last thing Mulder would ever want me to do. I handed Skinner my official letter of resignation.
"I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round. I really love to watch them roll, No longer riding on the merry-go-round. I just had to let it go." -John Lennon, "Watching the Wheels"
Disclaimer: Much to my dismay, The X-Files belong to Chris Carter, not me (. Categories: BF, CD, SPOV, PS9. Rating: G
"People say I'm crazy doing what I'm doing, They give me all kinds of warnings to save me from ruin. When I say that I'm ok they look at me kind of strange, Surely you're not happy now, you no longer play the game." -John Lennon, "Watching the Wheels"
In the nine years I spent with Mulder as my partner and friend, seven of which he was strictly that and no more, I have been told countless times that I should request a transfer out of the basement office and use my intellect to make my way up the chain of command, to be what these advice givers saw as successful. Several times I have had much more then I could stand and have considered heeding their advice, each time one thing and one thing alone convinced me to stay in my basement office with my 'spooky' partner. The one thing that kept my focus on the x-files was the same thing that often times made me want to quit, Mulder.
Mulder is a stubborn, opinionated, semi-selfish bastard, and at the same time he is the most caring, intelligent, drop-dead gorgeous man I have ever met. More then once I have looked at his improbable theories and had to try desperately to refrain from laughing. Those same times I saw in his eyes the purest truths and the most passionate desires. Desires I always assumed were for his work and his cases. Desires that I had been secretly wishing were directed at me. Desires I later learned were for me. Desires that I learned were as strong as my own unrequited desire for him. And because of all that I saw in his eyes and all that I saw in all that he is, I stayed. And now I'm infinitely glad that I did.
Seven years into our partnership Mulder and I took our relationship to another level, a much more serious level. Neither of us knew quite what we were getting into, neither one of us cared. All that we knew at that moment was that we had been bottled up our feelings for far too long and that we couldn't do it anymore.
Now, nine years after embarking on a long and painstaking, even physically harmful, journey with a man I didn't know, I can look back and say honestly that these nine years have been by far the best of my life.
Fox Mulder and I had a son together. I kept saying that over and over again a million times after the birth, I couldn't believe it. For nine years I had been in love with Mulder and now we have a son, an invaluable testament to the unbreakable bond between Mulder and myself. I named the baby William, after Mulder's father. Little William is a constant reminder of that love and trust, a beautiful little piece of the man I love forever and always.
Six weeks ago Mulder and I were watching a movie and he noticed we didn't' have anymore butter, this did not sit well with Mulder who thinks it 'un- American' to eat pop corn with out butter. He jumped up, stopped the tape and grabbed his keys, kissed me good-bye and ran out promising to return in moments. I shrugged my shoulders and got up to pour myself a glass of water. Twenty minutes later he still hadn't returned and I was worried. I tried calling his cell phone, a woman answered.
//"Hello?"// The woman said. //"I'm sorry I must have the wrong number.// I replied. //"Are you looking for Fox Mulder?"// //"Yes, yes I am. Who is this?// //"My name is Sarah Smith, I'm an EMT. Your husband is on his way to the hospital, there's been an accident.//
Now I wasn't sure if answering a patient's cell phone was standard procedure, but I supposed if I were in her place I would answer it too with the assumption that it was a concerned member of the family or maybe even just a friend calling to catch up, someone who could contact whoever needed to be contacted. But who needed to be contacted? Mulder had no remaining family. His sister had been lost to the illusive shadow government, his father blown up in an ancient ruin, his mother also dead. William and I were the only family Fox had left and that was a sad realization to ponder as I phoned my mother who rushed over desperately to watch Will while I raced to the hospital.
A million thoughts ran through my head.
//"What if he's dead? How am I supposed to live with out him?"// //"Fine time to die, Mulder, such a short time after we finally admitted our feelings."// I thought selfishly.
I cried in anguish. I wasn't even sure how badly he was hurt yet but I knew there were not too many things that would keep Fox Mulder from answering the cell phone, especially if a 2-minute trip took him 20 minutes and counting.
When I got to the hospital he was already on life support. A drunk driver had hit him head on at 68 miles in hour only a block from our apartment. The doctors told me not to give up home, but I am a doctor and I have yet to see or hear of anyone surviving anything this bad.
Mulder died a week later, and I spent the following week crying my eyes out. My mother watched William and I just sat in my apartment and cried, all day and all night for days on end. I didn't know what hit me, I was supposedly the 'ice queen', at least that's what they call me behind my back at the Bureau. So shouldn't an Ice Queen be able to deal with the loss of a loved one better then I am? Shouldn't she be able to take it in stride and realize that the lost one would want her to continue living her life? I knew Mulder would want me to stop crying, knew it brake his heart if he could see me like this. I wanted to get up and get William and move on with my life, I wanted to be strong. I tried and tried to be a strong person, to no avail. And more then once I wanted to die, to surrender, to throw up the white flag and end it all. I had never even contemplated suicide, not even as a teenager, but when I lost Mulder I lost my world.
For nine years I had done nothing but follow this man to the ends of the Earth and back again no matter what the journey to or from that end brought with it. After Mulder's death and after my grieving had taken it's toll on my body as well as my mind I did the one thing that was necessary, even though it was the last thing I would ever want to do, the last thing Mulder would ever want me to do. I handed Skinner my official letter of resignation.
"I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round. I really love to watch them roll, No longer riding on the merry-go-round. I just had to let it go." -John Lennon, "Watching the Wheels"