Disclaimer: EVERYTHING IS MINE! MINE! …except the X-Files and Jackie Chan, I suppose. And I guess that part of the credit for this story should go to my friend (not Spoon-boy, someone else) for giving me the idea. But *I* made it up! MEEEEEE!
[MULDER and SCULLY are in SKINNER's office, with really surprised looks on their faces. SKINNER has just been telling them what their latest… assignment… is.]
SCULLY: How the hell are we supposed to arrest every person in the state of Maryland who knows who Jackie Chan is? *I* know who Jackie Chan is, for crying out loud!
SKINNER: I'd advise you not to let me hear that again. Just a little advice from a friend.
MULDER: (jaw touches the floor. Literally)
SCULLY: Mulder, get off the ground.
MULDER: Sorry. (gets up and dusts himself off)
SKINNER: Well, off you go, agents. Make sure you arrest EVERY person who knows that name. EVERY. (pounds fist on desk) SINGLE. (pounds) ONE. (pounds)
[MULDER and SCULLY exit the office]
MULDER: What kind of assignment is that?!?
SCULLY: I don't know! But whatever the reason, it's probably YOUR fault!
MULDER (whimpers): Why is always MY fault? Why can't you take the blame for something once in a while?
SCULLY: (rolls eyes) Because it IS always your fault. Don't try to deny it, Mulder. You know it's true.
MULDER: I refuse to acknowledge that. So there!
SCULLY: (sigh) We'd better get on with this, Mulder. There're a lot of people in Maryland. Right now, I'm just glad we're not in New York.
MULDER: Yeah. So, why don't we start with that guy? (points to random male agent #1(RMA1))
SCULLY: Whatever. Hey, you! What's your name?
RMA1: Um… Random Male Agent #1.
SCULLY & MULDER: What?!?
RMA1: Don't ask me, that's what's in the script (shows them)
MULDER: Oookay. Whatever. So, Random Male Agent #1, do you know who Jackie Chan is?
RMA1: Uh… (glances at script) Yes.
SCULLY: You're under arrest, sir.
RMA1: Um… (sneaks a look at script) You don't have a warrant!
MULDER: Yes we do sir, it's right… here (produces warrant)
RMA1: Er… (looks at (guess) script) Drat!
[SCULLY snaps her fingers and two security guards handcuff RMA1 and drag him away. MULDER looks at SCULLY questioningly.]
SCULLY (in answer to unspoken question): I dunno. It's in the script.
MULDER: Okay then. Anyway, we better get a move on. Like you said, there are a lot of people in Maryland.
SCULLY: Hey, look, another agent! (points at Random Female Agent #1(RFA1))
MULDER: Okay, let's go!
SCULLY: Hey, you, do you know who Jackie Chan is?
RFA1: Um… (looks at script hidden in water bottle) You're supposed to ask me what my name is first.
MULDER: Really?
RFA1: Yeah, look. (shows them script)
SCULLY: Oh. So, what's your name?
RFA1: Er… (glances back at script) Random Female Agent #1.
MULDER: Interesting. So, do you know who Jackie Chan is?
RFA1: Uh… (glances you-know-where) No.
SCULLY: Okay. You're free to go.
RFA1: Erm… (looks at script again) But I wasn't even arrested!
MULDER: Oh yeah. Well, that doesn't matter, just move along, nothing to see here.
RFA1: Uhm… (looks you-know-where) Whatever. (leaves)
[Stuff goes on like this for a while. MULDER and SCULLY decide to split up after they get to RMA105. One of the more… interesting… encounters took place between MULDER and RFA237.]
MULDER: Hello, miss. May I ask you a few questions?
RFA237: Um… (glances at computer screen, on which a copy of the script is displayed) Sure.
MULDER: First and foremost, what is your name?
RFA237: Er… (glances at script) Random Female Agent #237.
MULDER: That's nice. Do you know who Jackie Chan is?
RFA237 (suspiciously): How do I know that YOU don't know who Jackie Chan is?
MULDER: You'll just have to trust me.
RFA237: What if I refuse to answer?
MULDER: I'll have to arrest you.
RFA237: You can't do that!
MULDER: I sure can!
RFA237: No you can't!
MULDER: Yes I can!
RFA237: No you can't!
MULDER: Yes I can!
RFA237: No you can't!
MULDER: Yes I cam!
RFA237: No you can't!
MULDER: Is this even in the script?
RFA237: No you… oh. Um… (looks) No.
MULDER: Hah! I'm having you arrested for butchering the script!
RFA237: You can't do that!
MULDER: Yes I can!
RFA237: No you can't!
MULDER: Yes I can!
RFA237: No you can't!
MULDER: CAN TOO!
RFA237: CAN NOT!
MULDER: CAN TOO!
RFA237: CAN NOT!
MULDER: CAN TOO!
RFA237: CAN NOT!
MULDER: CAN TOO!
RFA237: CAN NOT!
MULDER: CAN NOT!
RFA237: CAN TOO!
MULDER: Good. I'm glad we agree. (snaps fingers. Security guards drag RFA237 away screaming.)
[MULDER and SCULLY meet up outside FBI HQ at 5:00AM the next morning. They're both exhausted but want to get this over with, so they decide to keep going through the day. They walk down the road a little ways, finally spotting a little girl jumping rope on the sidewalk. Her name is Random Child #1, but the agents don't know that yet. They stumble up to her, yawning and in need of coffee, showers, or sleep. Or all three.]
RC1: You guys smell bad.
SCULLY: Rude little girl. I will be happy to (yawn) arrest her.
MULDER: Little (yawn) girl, what is your name?
RC1: I'm (glances at script wrapped around jump rope) Random Child #1!
SCULLY: Great. More Random (yawn) whatever # (yawn) whatever people.
MULDER: I will be so glad when this is over with. Anyway, Random Child #1, do you know who Jackie Chan is?
RC1: Yep. I love those movies. Karate is cool! (does karate chop on MULDER's nose)
SCULLY: Ohmigod Mulder! Are you okay?
MULDER (clutching nose): Nooo…. I think she broke my (yawn) ow… nose.
SCULLY: SECURITY GUARDS! ARREST THIS RUDE, NASTY LITTLE GIRL!
[Security guards come and take her away. MULDER and SCULLY stumble around for a while (until 10:00 PM to be exact) before stumbling half-blindly into a motel and getting rooms. They sleep until about 10:00AM, which isn't very surprising when you consider they'd been up for about 36 hours.]
MULDER (knocking on SCULLY's door): Hey, Scully, you ready to go?
SCULLY: Yeah. (they walk outside and start the rounds)
MULDER: You know, this is really dumb. (Looks around for someone they haven't asked the fateful question yet)
SCULLY: Yes, I know, Mulder. You'd have to be stupid not to realize that this is the stupidest thing we've ever done.
MULDER: What does this have to do with the X-Files, anyway? Couldn't they get someone else to do it?
SCULLY: They probably could have, it's just that everyone hates you.
MULDER: Really?
SCULLY: Yeah, me excluded.
MULDER: That's too bad.
SCULLY: Mm-hmm.
MULDER: How about we just quit the FBI and you go back to being a doctor and I actually USE my Oxford education?
SCULLY: I wonder why we never thought of that before… Let's do it!
MULDER: YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The End