A.N: …*peeps in* Um…hi? X_X Will you all not kill me if I tell you I'm sorry? O-o;;;;

Paradoxical: *pets head* She tried her best.

Yeah, and besides, I've been re-writing this damned chapter over and OVER again. I think it's finally good, though, and ready for your reading pleasure. o.o Enjoy?

Rank and File

Chapter Twenty

By Firefly-chan

The world seemed to freeze at that moment and Kai's grip on my shoulders loosened. He started down at me, water dripping from his hair and onto my face. And then, very slowly, the corners of his mouth quirked into the barest hint of a smile.

And you want to know what the bastard did then?

He laughed. He laughed.

Kai lowered his head, his lips grazing over my forehead as he whispered, "You don't love me. You love what I do to you, but you don't love me."

I swallowed, saying nothing as I stared at him.

"You love how I can break you down, and then put you back together again," he continued, running a hand roughly through my hair. "You love how I wanted you, and how I desire you. But most of all, I think you just love to be beneath me."

I knew that the color had washed completely from my face, and that the cold rain upon my skin was not the reason I trembled.

"H-how dare you?" I began, my voice shaking violently. "How dare you!?"

"Oh, I haven't even begun to dare yet, love," he whispered, gripping my shoulders so tightly that I flinched. "I haven't even begun."

I pushed roughly at his shoulders, my eyes narrowed sharply. "First, you're practically on your hands and knees…begging me to love you! And now, after I say I do, you turn around and claim that I don't? Who the hell do you think you are?"

I was screaming, but I didn't really care at that moment. "If that's what you want then fine! I don't love you! I was lying! In fact, Kai, I hate you."

I stopped because I was shaking so badly, and I had to calm myself down before I went into a complete mental breakdown. With a disgusted growl, I tried again to push Kai off me. But he was much bigger than me, and he budge, smirking arrogantly down at me. I wanted to wipe that God forsaken smirk clear off of his face.

Taking me crudely by the shoulders, he shoved me back down to the ground and held me there. "That's what I've expected all along from you," he hissed. "When I was demanding you to say you loved me, I never in a million years thought you'd actually say it. And I freaked out because I wanted you so badly and I do love you. But, I know for a fact that you don't love me. I see it in your eyes every time you look at me. For God's sake, Tyson, you can barely stand to be around me."

"Get off of me," I said stiffly, trying to keep my voice from shaking. "Get the hell off of me and let me go home, Kai."

"Not until you listen to me," he pressed, not moving. "Just think about it, okay? I don't know why you even broke down like you did and told me you loved me, but it's not true—"

"What the hell do you want from me?" I shrieked, cutting him off suddenly. "What the hell are you trying to prove? You beg me to love you, I say I do, and then you tell me that I don't know what I'm talking about? Well, you know what, Kai? You're right. You're right. I didn't know what I was talking about. I don't love you, and God, I never will. I hate you, Kai. I hate you with a rage so deep, it makes me insides tremble and my head scream at the sight of you. I hate you!"

He slammed me back down onto the slippery, rain-slicked ground again, his forearm pressed against the base of my neck and his face hovering inches from mine. "You fucking grovel, Tyson," he growled, his voice bordering dangerously low. "You grovel on the floor when it comes to me. Don't pretend that you don't love it when I slam you against the nearest wall and ravage you until you're black and blue. You may believe that you hate every minute of it, but deep down, you need it. And, Tyson, that isn't love."

Tears pricked the back of my eyes, but I swallowed them back. Choking on my words, I managed to say, "I don't understand."

"I need you because I love how you make me feel when I'm around you," His voice was gentle this time. "I love the fact that just seeing you can make everything in my screwed up world better. You need me because I make you things you've never felt before. Passion, desire; the feeling of being desired. That's the only thing you've ever needed."

"Then why—why would you basically demand me to tell you I love you?" I whispered, my voice barely audible.

"I was out of it, Tyson," he said, sighing. "I lost it. I've always been satisfied with the fact that I'll never receive your love…but I guess I must've lost it. I'm okay now, though, and I'm trying to tell you what the truth is. How this…relationship is."

A hoarse, cracked laugh escaped my barely parted lips. "We don't have a relationship, Kai."

"Not to you," Kai murmured, pressing his lips against the base of my neck. "I need you. I want you."

I suppressed a groan, closing my eyes tightly. "Kai, no," I muttered, turning my head to the side. "This isn't…right."

"It's never been," he said, laughing lightly. "And since when have you cared?"

"I've always cared," I retorted, my eyes flashing open. "You just never wanted to see."

He didn't reply. And we laid there in complete silence; our eyes didn't meet, and we didn't look at one another. I was beginning to get cold from the rain that was still pouring down from the night sky, but I bit my tongue and suppressed a shiver. I just wish he'd get off of me.

After a moment, I spoke my thoughts, "Kai, please get off of me. I want to go home. And I'm getting cold."

"Please don't do this," he said, closing his eyes for a moment. "Please don't walk away and pretend that you think I'm wrong. You know I'm right."

"I don't care," My teeth were gritted and I was glaring spitefully at him. "Get off of me."

There was silence again. But it was only a short pause, and in a moment, Kai had gotten sharply to his feet. Before I could even move or realize what was going on, he grabbed a fistful of my shirt and yanked me roughly to a standing position. My head snapped back as he pulled me to him, and I let out a small cry of surprise.

"Is this what you want?" he whispered heatedly.

I stared back defiantly at him, and tilted my chin up. "What I want, Kai, is to go home. I don't want you. I want to go home."

I yanked my arm harshly from his grip and took a couple steps back away from him. He stared at me blankly; there wasn't the slightest hint of an expression his face. After a moment, he seemed to snap out of it, and he shook his head back and forth. He looked at me and sighed a second later, shoving his hands into his jean pockets.

"You are running away," he stated simply, still shaking his head.

"What?" I stood there, gaping at him. "Who the—"

"Don't even say it," He glared at me, running a hand through his hair. "You are running away because you can't face the facts. Because you're too afraid of what may happen; because you know that I'm right. That's it, isn't it? You are running away just because someone decided to stand up to you and tell you how it is."

I let out a loud, thundering laugh, arching my back slightly to emphasize it. "Oh, you've got to be kidding me!" I flung my hands into the air, still laughing. "Who do you think you are? Who the hell do you think you are? Oh, yeah, GOD, Kai. I am SO sorry for telling you I loved you after you basically beat it out of me. And I am SO sorry that you had to find out this way! God, it's such a shame. Such a goddamned shame, isn't it?"

My laughter died into small, choking snickers. "You're insane, Kai. You have your opinions and logic all mixed up, and what the hell is going on in that head of yours? I think you like to get me to tell you how I feel, and then demand me to take it back. I think you just love the fact that you believe you have complete control over me. Well, this might come as a shock to you, but guess what? You don't. You never have, and I can assure you that you never, ever will."

"Now, I'm leaving," I said, turning sharply before he could say anything. "I am going to walk home, take a shower, and then go to bed. And I'm going to forget about you, Kai. Don't…don't come near me anymore. Don't talk to me, and for God's sake, don't even look at me. I am so sick of your bullshit, and it's going to end right now. Right now, Kai."

"You're making a mistake, Tyson," he called, causing me to stop dead in my tracks.

"No, you made the mistake," I growled, whirling around. "Don't put this on me. What? Did you expect me to be all happy and thanking when you're all 'Oh, you don't love me. You just love feeling like a whore' lightly?"

"I didn't say that—" he started, but I cut him off with a wave of my hand.

"I am not finished," I took several long strides until I was standing practically nose-to-nose with Kai. "You think you own me, don't you? You think you have me all figured out, and that sooner or later, I'll come running to you. You are right, Kai, I don't love you. And you are right; I do like the feeling I get when I'm with you. But how dare you pretend like you know me inside out."

"I don't believe you," Kai said, sighing. "You are so unbelievably selfish and spoiled, do you know that? God forbid the precious angel from heaven to be hurt. God forbid if your body made of glass gets broken, because everyone knows that glass is so goddamned hard to figure out and put back together. God forbid it all."

"Look who's talking," I hissed, poking him sharply in the chest. "I'm not the preppy jock who stands above everyone else. I'm not the brand-name wearing jackass who really doesn't give a flying shit about anyone else but himself. In case you've forgotten, you play that role, Kai. Not me."

"You're impossible," he said, laughing sharply, abruptly. "I don't even know what I see in you, or why I even love you."

"Don't even say it, you bastard," I said, balling my hands into fists. "Don't turn this thing around on me. You made the mistake and you know it. I'm not the one who's groveling." I took a step back, running my tongue over my lips. "Goodbye, Kai."

"No, don't walk away from me!" Kai growled. "I'm walking away from you. Good fucking bye."

"Good riddance, jackass," I yelled as he stalked back up towards his house.

"Good luck in finding someone to play your slave, Tyson," he called back, starting up his porch steps.

"Same to you!" I sniffed and glared at his retreating back. "And I dumped you! You didn't dump me! I dumped you!"

He paused on the porch of his house, slowly turning around. "You had nothing to dump, remember? We didn't have anything. We were NOTHING. Caused by you."

"Whatever," I grumbled, still backing away. "Just…don't ever talk to me again!"

With one last huff, I turned sharply around and walked away, not even glancing behind me.

"Oh, that's REAL mature!" I heard him call back to me. "And you won't have to worry about me talking to you again because I won't!"

I didn't say anything. Swallowing whatever arrogance I had left, I turned the corner and started back home with the rain still heavily pouring from the dark, night sky.

I didn't get very far when I realized something; I didn't have the key to my house.

"Shit!" I muttered, patting the pockets of my coat in search of the key. "I must've dropped it at Kai's or something."

Well, one has several choices in this kind of a situation. You could go to your house, knock on the door until your mother wakes up, and play twenty questions with her. Or you could go back to Kai's house and claim what's rightfully yours. Growling angrily beneath my breath, I turned sharply on my heel and stalked straight back to Kai's house.

He wasn't outside anymore, of course. And, believe me, I searched his lawn fervently for that damned key, but I found nothing. That meant, of course, that it had to be in his house.

Wonderful. This night just keeps looking up.

I stood on the driveway to his house for what must've been five minutes before finally working up the nerve to even step onto his porch. 'He probably went up to bed, Tyson,' I thought to myself. 'Just go inside, find your key, and get out of there. He won't even know you've been in the house.'

Very, very slowly, I eased open his front door and stepped inside. I flinched when it creaked as I closed it again, and took a short glance around me. The house was dark and there wasn't any sight of Kai. I stood there for a moment, my back pressed against the door, trying to see if I'd hear anything. I didn't. The house was silent.

I started to move around the hallway, keeping a close eye out for my key. I paused in my steps when I heard a creak coming from up the stairs. After a moment, I didn't hear anything else so I continued on in my search.

The living room was especially hard to look in since there was so much stuff all over the floor and the room was so dark. For a moment I thought about turning on a small light or something, but then thought the better of it. Kai, being the sharp jackass that he is, would more than likely notice the light and come down to see what it was. I had to be very careful not to trip over anything, or not to make any floorboards creak or anything. Like I said before, the bastard would probably hear that, too.

I bent down to check if my key might've been underneath the coffee table or something, when I felt firm hands clamp down on my waist and yank me upwards.

Ah, fuck. Just what I need.

"What are you doing in here, Tyson?" Kai whispered in my ear, wrapping an arm around my waist.

"I am looking for my key," I muttered. "I had to have dropped it in your house or something, and I can't go home without my house key."

"That's too bad, isn't it?" he murmured, sliding his hand across my tummy.

"Hey, woah—" I jumped from his arms, whirling around and almost falling over. "We just had this…big ass fight, remember? The one where I was calling you a bastard and you were calling me selfish? Y'know? Or has that completely slipped your mind, too?"

"Don't be ridiculous," he said sharply, frowning at me. "Of course I remember. That's what I came down here for, anyway. I was going to go out looking for you because I knew you'd freeze to death before you even made it home." He held up the car keys dangling from his fingers as an example.

My lips formed a surprised 'o', and I blinked, confused.

"Obviously, you came back on your own," He flung the keys onto the coffee table, before looking back at me, blankly. "Did you find your key?"

"Not yet," I said, rubbing my chilled arms and looking around. "I've barely been looking for ten minutes. By the way, what time is it, anyway?"

Kai shrugged. "Probably around four or five."

I groaned silently, tilting my head back. "And that means it's Monday morning, doesn't it? Great. I'll just sleep in school or something."

"Don't go," Kai said simply, brushing past me. "I'm not."

"If only life were that simple," I muttered, running a hand through my hair. "I'm nearing my freshmen year, Kai. And I've already missed a number of days, so it'd be pretty bad for me to miss anymore. Plus, my grades are really suffering."

When I looked back up, Kai was leaning against the frame of the entrance to the living room, studying me silently. "One day won't hurt you," he said lightly. "Plus, today's just a half day. What I think you need is a shower and some sleep."

"That'd be real nice, Kai," I started, annoyed, "if I could find my damn house key."

"Look," He pushed himself away from the wall, digging around in his pockets and pulling out a pack of cigarettes, "I don't know where your key is, but you can stay here. Just take a shower, and you can sleep in one of our guestrooms. It's okay."

I stood there, staring at him. "Why are you being so nice to me?" I asked, my brows furrowing. "I don't understand…"

He chuckled quietly, lighting his cigarette before looking up at me. "You still don't get it, do you? What I said is what I meant, Tyson. Think about it."

Kai ran a hand over his face, taking a drag of his cigarette before nodding to the stairs. "Now, come on," he said. "I'll show you where the bathroom is."

I hesitated slightly, before slowly following up the stairs behind Kai. I had a lot of questions to ask him—oh, y'know—things like why he even considered helping me when I basically shoved him away? And, don't get me wrong, I was still cross with him. Who wouldn't be? But still, he did have a point. It didn't make any sense to go home now. And hey, if he offered help, then why deny it?

I looked up when I felt his hand lightly touch my arm, steering me around the corner and into an open door. Kai flipped on the light, revealing a tidy, well-kept white bathroom.

"The towels are in here," he said, pointing to the top shelf that lay off to the side of the bathroom. "And I can get you something to wear after you're done taking your shower."

I nodded silently.

He stood there for a moment longer, before sighing and starting to turn to leave. "Wait," I said, stopping him. "How do—how do you know?"

"How do I know what?" he asked, turning back around.

"That…" I trailed off for a second, wetting my lips with my tongue. "That I don't love you?"

He took another drag of his cigarette, tilting his head back slightly. "I told you. I can't see it. And besides, you already—"

"You don't know me, though, Kai," I insisted, silencing him. "You don't know how it feels to be me, or how I feel about anything. No, Kai, I don't hate you. When I told you I loved you, I meant it. I don't appreciate you slapping me in the face with the whole 'no, you don't' bit."

"Tyson," Kai mumbled, looking downward. "You don't—"

"Is this not what you wanted," I asked angrily, taking a step towards him. "Will you not be satisfied until you get some kind of proof? Well, fine, here's your proof."

Holding his head in one place with my left hand, I took the cigarette that was dangling from his mouth with my other hand and placed it on the sink. Without even a second thought then, I slipped an arm around his neck, pulling his head down and meeting my lips with his own.

And then? Then it was a done deal.

He seemed surprised at first, but quickly his shock faded away. I could feel him smiling softly as he kissed me, and then, rather abruptly; he pushed me back against the wall. I ran a hand through his hair, sucking in a deep breath when we finally separated. Kai looked at me for a long time, a smile still quirked onto his mouth.

"I was beginning to doubt you, Tyson," he said, casually.

I blinked. "What?"

"Mmm," He pressed his lips against my forehead. "Don't get angry at me, but I did all of this on purpose. I wanted to see how you'd react if I denied that you loved me—if I said that it must've been something else but love. I wanted to see if you actually would stand up for how you feel. And I was the one who took your key."

I felt my mouth drop open. "You did this intentionally?"

He shrugged. "Well, wouldn't you have done the same thing in my position?"

"Oh, God," I moaned, slapping my hands to my face. "So—you were just acting while I was having this big blow out? How embarrassing."

"I probably shouldn't have done it," he said, pulling my hands down from my face. "But…you've never really been fond of me in the past. It made me suspicious to see if you were just…playing me or something?" He kissed me softly on the lips again. "It doesn't matter."

I had no idea why, but I wasn't angry with Kai for pulling this little stunt. I mean, like he said, it just didn't matter. Just as long as I knew that he loved me and that he knew that I loved him, we were fine.


God, doesn't that sound so strange? Me actually admitting to loving Kai? And only an hour ago I was screaming to him about how I hated him? I didn't—really. But it just made me so angry when he was saying those things he didn't even believe himself. I hope we didn't wake any of the neighbors up with our screaming…

I was snapped out of my thoughts when I felt his lips grazing my throat and the base of my neck. I kissed the top of his head, smiling slightly when his arms tightened around my waist.

"Damn thing—" he grumbled, fumbling with the buttons of my shirt.

I rolled my eyes and took his hands in my own, lowering them to the hem of the shirt where it met the top of my jeans. "Pull up, smart one," I said, snickering. "Really, Kai, you're the 4.0 student here. You should know these things."

He sniffed, and then pulled my sopping wet shirt over my head.

"Now—your jeans—how do you--?"

It took us about fifteen minutes to get undressed. Yes, I realize that is pathetic. Work with me here.

He slowly backed me into the shower, and I flinched when the hot water touched my icy skin. I smiled softly at him, placing my hand on the side of his face, leaning up and kissing him again. He ran his tongue over my bottom lip, nibbling lightly on it for a minute, smirking when a small whimper escaped my lips. Pressing the palms of his hands against the sides of my sighs, he pulled me closer to him, deepening the kiss.

And, God. For once…being with Kai actually felt right.

"You haven't done this before, have you?" he whispered against my lips.

I slowly shook my head.

"That's okay," He played with a tendril of my hair that had fallen into my eyes. "It'll hurt, though. You realize that?" (1)

"I don't care," I murmured, pressing my face in the hollow of his neck.

I felt him laughing softly, and barely heard him whisper, "You and your pain."

He slid his hands up towards my waist, carefully—almost cautiously—turning me away so my back was to him. "Lean foreword a bit," he said, still holding me. "Put your hands against the wall—don't slip."

I felt the water from the showerhead beating down on my head, but I didn't care. I did as I was told and braced myself against the wall. I felt him run his fingers up and down my back, before setting them back down on my waist.

"Why exactly do I have to—" I was cut off when he pushed into me, and I replaced it with a loud, sharp cry.

Um, okay? Ow? That hurt?

I closed my eyes tightly, my throat hurting with the urge of wanting to cry and suppressing back my tears. "Thanks for warning me," I muttered, after a second.

"Sorry," he said, and I felt him kiss the back of my neck.

"People actually do this?" I panted, my fingers practically digging into the tile wall. "This is—crazy."

"It'll get better," he said quietly, raising a hand to stroke my hair.

Yeah, he was right. It got better.

But that still did not take away from the fact that it hurt like almightyfeckinghellgodIwantedtoscreambutIdidn'tcausethatwouldbereallygirly. Yes, I know you all agree with me. And if you don't, then you go out and try it! Well, on second thought, don't. I don't want your parents calling me up and asking if I encouraged you to have sex with some stranger. I did not say that, people!

…Wow. My mind wanders a lot when I'm…in his loving embrace. (2)

I bit down roughly on my lip when he pushed into me once more, and, I swear to God, he let out a little whimper. Yes, he did. He collapsed against me then, and I grunted, not really used to having that much weight on my body.

…Not to say that Kai's fat. 'Cause he's not. Yeah.

"Kai—not to be rude—but get off," I grumbled; my arms were beginning to hurt. "You're too heavy."

He sighed and kissed my back once more before pulling back and away. I pushed myself away from the wall and turned around to face him, smiling brightly. "That was fun," I stated aimlessly. "You really get to think a lot, y'know? Oh sure, it hurts for the first bit, but it's kind of relaxing once you're used to it."

He raised an eyebrow, but didn't say anything.

"So are we going to do this all the time?" I asked, leaning back against the wall of the shower. "Right after we have a fight or something? That wouldn't be real…logical, though."

"You're very strange, has anyone ever told you that?" he said, kissing my nose. "Usually, one would go into this whole deep, intense emotional outburst after sex? But you? No, you start talking about how relaxing it is."

"Emotional outburst?" I stared at him, twitching slightly. "That'd be very feminine of me."

"Oh, but you're a feminine kind of guy," Kai said, kissing me again before opening the shower door and wrapping a towel around himself.

"What?" I snorted, shutting off the water and following after him, not bothering with the towel. What? It covers up my freedom to walk around…naked.

He shot me a smirk over his shoulder, opening up one of the bathroom cupboard doors and throwing me a towel.


Fine. He obviously doesn't appreciate the powers of nakedness.

I trailed along after him as he stepped outside the bathroom and started down the hall. "Where are you going to sleep tonight?" he asked suddenly.

I blinked, pausing in my walking for a moment. "Um—in a room? Hopefully with a nice soft bed with pillows?"

He stopped at the end of the hall, looking back at me. "I know, but which room? With me or a guest room?"

He must've seen the blank expression on my face, because he laughed. "Here," he began, opening the door he was standing nearest to. "Just stay in here with me. I want you to."

I felt a smile pull at my lips, and I slowly advanced past him and into his room. He closed the door behind himself.

"I want the left side," I said abruptly, plopping down on the bed. "You can sleep on the right, but I need to sleep on the left side. I always wake up in the middle of the night when I'm on the right side, and it really bothers me because I have these big circles under my eyes—and what are you laughing at?"

Kai was shaking his head at me, laughing quietly beneath his breath. "Oh, nothing," he said lightly, sliding under the covers on the right side of the bed.

Pfft. And he calls me feminine.

End Chapter Twenty.

End Notes: *cough*hack*cough* That wasn't a lemon. DEAR GOD, THAT WASN'T A LEMON! __! Don't tell FF.net. It's not a lemon. It's a lime. Yeah. XP

1: Well, they get right to the point, don't they? x.x;

2: *cough*hack* I'm suuuuure that's what you were going to say, Tyson-dear. XD