Pit of Evil Misdoing

Somewhere in England

Dear Ms Rowling,

It has recently come to my attention that you have been profiling the life and times of my nemesis, Harry Potter. Considering the favourable publicity that the under-grown wretch has received in recent years, I would like to offer you a job as my PR agent, where your talents would be appreciated in a manner that you deserve.

Harry Potter's popularity is entirely due to you, however, my sources tell me that the ungrateful brat has threatened you with legal action unless you cease writing his unofficial biography. The little toe-rag is not appreciative of the sheer amount of work that goes into your books to portray him as something other then a whining little prat who should have been put down at birth. It is apparent that your talents should be utilised for someone who deserves them.

I, unlike Harry Potter, am well aware of how rare a decent PR agent is, and am willing to pay you handsomely for your efforts. This is a fantastic opportunity for you to fully use your abilities in the manner of your choosing, and you would be foolish to ignore it. After all, with your skills, I may be able to shake off the misguided belief that many of the wizarding world have of me that I am stupid, ugly, insane and weak. I am none of these things, however this misconception continues to linger.

As part of your job, I would require you to paint me in a more favourable light, emphasising the numerous charities that I have started, including Tom Riddle's Orphanage for Orphaned Purebloods and ignoring the biased opinions presented by the Ministry of Magic. Your involvement in the more dangerous aspects of Evil Overlordship would be minimal, as I am willing to record my actions for your perusal later, unlike the Potter brat, who made you follow him everywhere.

If you choose accept this offer, the benefits are as follows;

protection from Death Eater raids. If this is impractical, a warning will be issued in advance, so you may organise your affairs a portion of the money made by the Death Eater Organisation. All health benefits that magic can provide. This includes death, however I cannot be held accountable if you arise from the dead as a blood thirsty zombie. Minimal contact with the dreadful Potter boy. After his actions, I doubt that you would want to see him in the near future anyway.

I eagerly await your reply,

Tom Riddle (a.k.a. Lord Voldemort)

Authors Note: I had no idea that the next letter would be from Voldemort, until I sat in my Introduction to Avionics lecture. God (sorry, random fluctuations in the space-time continuum), it was boring. I encountered the worst speaker in the world and have resolved never to work with that guy ever. Anyway, back on topic. Writing these letters is fun. Really! However, I am wondering, who's next to write a letter? And to whom? I was thinking an apology letter from Mr Weasley to Mr Malfoy from CoS. I'm using the word apology loosely here. Any other suggestions? Suggestions such as 'Try listening to your lectures' will be frowned at, and suggesting classes I should attend for inspiration will probably invoke laughter. Actually, suggest classes! That would be fun. I should shut up now.

Nights Mistress