Disclaimer: Hello once again I have to type. OK, we don't own anything. Nothing at all. But of all things we just WISH we owned Elrond and his Eyebrows of DOOM! OK, we have no idea whether Celebrian was still in Middle- earth at the time of the Battle of Dagorlad, but for our own purposes, she is now.

On with the show!
Chapter One: The Last Alliance.

The battle was raging around him and Elrond was throroughly enjoying himself. He hadn't been in a good battle since last weeks good battle. And he had missed it, having to stay at home for anger management classes. As he was running around slaying orcs (as you do in a battle) there was a yell from behind him.

"Elroooooond!"

"Oh no...." muttered Elrond under his breath. He turned round to see Galadriel running towards him, holding up her (still strangely white) skirts to avoid tripping.

"Elrond, I have a message from you wife!"

"What does she want NOW!?"

"She wants to know where your water is!"

"*I've finished it!*" cried Elrond indignantly.

Galadriel came to a halt in front of him, completely oblivious to the raging battle. "Well then you must have another glass, Elrond. How many have you had today?"

"I've already had *three*!"

"Well that's not enough now, is it? You know you have to drink eight a day."

"Why!?" Elrond demanded sulkily.

"To help with your temper!"

"I don't HAVE a temper!" he yelled angrily.

"Yes you do. Now drink your water."

"But... but...!" Elrond stuttered in annoyance, an expression of bewildered annoyance on his face.

"Elrond Half-Elven!" Galadriel scolded, "You must do as you're told! No 'but's'!"

"That is SO unfair, Galadriel!" cried Elrond, waving his arms around, "Why do you always BOSS me about!?"

"Because I'm your mother-in-law and you have to listen to me!"

"Can I go and get on with the Battle now?!"

"Drink your water!"

Elrond grumbled to himself, scowling heavily with those magnificent eyebrows of his, but drank the water anyway.

"Thankyou. Now, make sure you're home before it gets dark."

"It's ALWAYS dark!!!!"

"Well be home for tea, then."

"FINE! Can I GO now!?"

"Yes. Have a nice day, lovey." Galadriel waved merrily at him, and walked off to find Celeborn who no doubt had got himself into some kind of trouble and hadn't realised. Behind him, Elrond could hear Gil-galad chuckling to himself. He turned to face him:

"SHUT UP!!!!!!" Gil-galad immediately went quiet, as would you if Elrond screamed that in your face.

All of a sudden (dramatic drum-roll please) Sauron walked onto the field, breathing heavily in a Darth Vader impression. There is an exclamation (no doubt from Celeborn) of "Ooh!! Who's that!? Is he on our side!?"

Gil-galad and Elendil rush forward valiently and spontaneously combust (burst into flame). This enrages Elrond even further.

"Well that's just GREAT! Fancy going and LEAVING me at a time like THIS! I suppose now *I* have to lead the Elven-army, I suppose now *I* have to kill Sauron!!" he pauses for a moment, "No, wait, Isildur's done it. Well I suppose now *I* have to organise Isildur and everybody!"

"Lord Elrond!" Círdan came running up, his sword in his hand and his beard tucked into his belt, "We must get the Ring from Isildur, or get him to throw it into Mount Doom!"

"Oh! Now Isildur has the RING! Well that's just BRILLIANT isn't it!?!? Stupid man..." Elrond sheaths his sword and storms off to find Isildur.

"Isildur, destroy the Ring."

"Why?" Isildur asked pleasantly, "I like this Ring. 's pretty."

"Well it's bloody EV-IL! We've got to destroy it!!!"

"Else it will destroy us," Círdan put in helpfully.

At this point, Thranduil stalks past, muttering to himself, "Stupid parents... stupid father... and he said I didn't know what *I* was doing! And then what's he do? Charges into battle too early and gets himself killed, I mean that's just fanTASTIC... parents... who needs them?"

"Hear hear!" Elrond called over, "I mean, my father went and left me to become a STAR I mean, really! And my brother went and became a mortal for no Valar-damn reason and Mum's a bloody swan!"

"I know, I mean they're just terrible, aren't they?"

Círdan began to cough loudly and suggestively. Thranduil turns to him, "What's up, Círdan? You want a strepsil?"

"Elrond," Círdan began, ignoring Thranduil, "We need to do something about this Ring!"

"But- but Círdan! I want to KEEP it! Pleeeeeease can I!?" Isildur gave Círdan big puppy-dog eyes, dropped down on his knees and begged.

"Well we can always make you a new one, Isildur..."

"But I want this one, cos it's pretty!"

"Well... alright then. But you mustn't put it on!" Círdan warned, wagging his finger at the King of Gondor.

"I won't! I promise!"

"CÍRDAN!!!" cried Elrond, aghast.

"What? Oh come on, could you resist that look?"

"YES!!"

"Well you would wouldn't you." Círdan turns and begins to walk away.

Elrond huffed and puffed indignantly for a while before managing to scream out: "WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!? CÍRDAN, GET BACK HERE!!!" and with that, he ran off after him.

Thranduil and Isildur are left on the field of Dagorlad, just as Thranduil is going to suggest leaving, Celeborn comes running up to them with an insane grin on his face. "Did we win!?!? Did we win!?!?"

"Yes," Thranduil sighed wearliy, "We won."

"Oh GOODIE!" Celeborn began to jump up and down, clapping his hands ecstaticly. Thranduil and Isildur look at each other.

"Let's get away from him," Thranduil suggested, "he might be contagious." So they left Celeborn to his celebrations and went to organise their troops for the return home.

Fin

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Woohoo! More of Elrond later we think.

Yeah, there's another chapter to come.

Yes, Legolas. OK, review. Now. Yes. That's it.