Disclaimer: 1) a renunciation of any claim to or connection with; 2) disavowal; 3) a statement made to save one's own ass.
So… I haven't been watching Dogma again… anyway, sorry this was a bit (okay, a lot) late – we just got ntl broadband, and they're ever so slightly incompetent, so it took us like 3 days to get on the internet. And also, I have a GCSE in about 2 weeks, and it's one which I need to pass to take even the most basic of university courses. And I have attention span issues. So my updates may not be as regular until the teachers abolish GCSEs and give up with the whole coursework idea. Oh, and sorry if the bold and stuff doesn't work again. Stupid bold.
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Ms Granger,
It has come to our attention that once again, you are staring at Mr Weasley. And it's not as if you're being subtle about it. Oh no, you couldn't peer through eyeholes in a newspaper, could you? Or look over the top of your homework? Or even just glance periodically and then turn back to your work. Of course not – your eyes bug, your mouth drops open, and you stare into space like some kind of sick bastardisation of a zombie. We despair. PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, GIRL!!! You realise that if he looks up, he will see you, and God knows what he'll think then. Oh, if we smoked, we would be having a cigarette right now.
Close your mouth, try and make your eyes look normal, and for goodness' sake, get on with your homework. You still have at least 8 inches to write on your chosen Dragon species (the Antipodean Opaleye – you couldn't have picked one with a little bit more written about it, could you?)
And for heaven's sake, wash behind those ears.
Yours naggingly,
It's For Your Own Good PLC
Hermione,
Did Ron just blush? He did, didn't he? When you looked up and saw him staring at you… or possibly staring at the wall… but most likely you, right? Why would he blush if you'd just caught him staring at a wall, huh? He wouldn't, therefore he is clearly staring at you. It makes sense!
Yours dreamily,
Wishful Thinking Inc
Elena,
I'm so glad you're alright. Really, really, really, REALLY glad. There are not enough reallys in this world to express my gladness fully. See? I'm rambling. I only ramble when I'm nervous. Or fervent. Or embarrassed. Or nervous. Wait, I already said nervous, didn't I?
I'm sorry. Ron keeps looking at me oddly (don't even think it), and it's a little… distracting. He looks up, then, of course, I look up, and then we're both looking up, and there's this whole mess of looking upness, and, you know, his eyes are very blue. I mean, VERY blue. Blue like a blue sky on a beautiful day when the sky is always stereotypically blue. Blue like the ocean always is in Disney movies. Well, it goes more greeny when there's a storm, like in The Little Mermaid, when she saves Eric. Is Eric even his name? I don't know, I haven't seen that film in ages. Have you? No, you probably haven't. Do wizards even have Disney?
Argh! He's got me all in a tizzy. I should take deep breaths, and count slowly backwards from ten in Mandarin Chinese or something.
I don't speak Mandarin Chinese.
Damn.
Okay, I'm all calm now. I can reply to your letter, and he will not distract me at all, as I'm in the library now. He'll never follow me in here. Right… where was I? I hope you don't think I'm rude, but I don't really want to talk about Death Eaters. Unless you really need to talk about them. But otherwise, I'd rather not think about them right now. I know ignoring a problem doesn't make it go away, but it tends to make you less paranoid. In my experience at least.
I didn't just suddenly decide to forgive Ron. He did nothing wrong. I'm sure I told you that… I gave him the letter by accident. That seems an age ago. It's not really though, is it?
I don't know much about International Magical Co-operation, but Ron's brother knows loads – he works for that department in the Ministry of Magic. I could get Ron to write to him and ask, if you're really desperate. When's the essay due in?
Sorry, this is short, sorry I didn't answer all your questions. Hope you're all well – I have to finish my essay on the Antipodean Opaleye. This may take some time.
While I remember, thank Alfonso for writing. It was nice to hear from him. And he sounds lovely, and I don't see why you don't like his niceness. But don't tell him the last part. Unless you want to…
Lots of Love
Hermione
Library Notes
Fine, I'll write a note to you then.
Sorry Ron, but you can't just barge into the library and talk that loudly. It's your own fault that Madam Pince was glaring at you.
Stupid old bag. I wasn't that loud. And anyway, it's important.
Don't call her a stupid old bag. And can't it wait? I still have six inches more to write on my chosen dragon.
You're doing better than me, I haven't started yet. And no, it can't wait. We have to plan Harry's surprise!
Ron! We have a three-foot long essay due in on Monday, and you haven't started it yet?
It's only Thursday, I've got all weekend.
But we're going to Hogsmeade on Saturday, and you know you'll spend the whole of Sunday eating everything you bought at Honeydukes.
I'll find time. Now, back to Harry's surprise… any ideas?
This is your harebrained scheme – you come up with ideas. I'm doing my essay.
Y'know, it was your idea to do something to cheer Harry up, so technically, it's YOUR 'harebrained' scheme.
Fine. Why don't we… take him for a butterbeer at The Three Broomsticks?
Yeah, cuz we've never done THAT before.
You think of something better then.
We treat him to something from Zonko's?
Boring. We need something… unusual.
I have it!
Keep your voice down! You're not meant to yell out like that in the library, no matter how happy you are. What've you got?
Sometimes I scare even myself with my brilliance. We talk to Dumbledore, write to Snuffles, and arrange to meet him in Hogsmeade!
Sometimes you scare me too. That's actually a really good idea. If it works.
What do you mean 'if it works'?
Well, dragging an escaped convict halfway across the world he's currently trying to save, and putting him in an environment filled with wizards, who, if they recognise him, would probably curse him on sight. Or run.
For a smart witch, you really are a bit stupid.
I am not stupid!
Of course not… but let me pick apart your problems. Or something. Snuffles is currently residing somewhere in Northumberland with our dear friend Professor Lupin; if we talk to Dumbledore first, he can probably sort everything out; and did you really think that my idea involved placing Snuffles in the middle of an angry mob of wizards? We'd meet him outside town, he'd look like Snuffles, there'd be no danger.
Oh. Right. Do you want to speak to Dumbledore or should I?
Maybe you should. You're more… sensible looking.
Sensible looking?? What's that supposed to mean?
Exactly what I said. You look more sensible. He'll listen to you.
Oh.
Ron?
What?
Can I ask a favour?
If you must.
It's my penpal. She's having homework problems.
You're still writing to her? What have her homework problems got to do with me?
Of course I'm still writing to her. She's got an essay on International Magical Co-operation, and I was wondering if you would write to Percy and ask if he'd help her a bit…
You want me to write to Perfect Percy?
Well, yes.
Can't you write to him? He likes you, you both like books. And stuff like that.
I could, but you're his brother. Don't you write to him anyway?
Not really.
Fine. I'll write to him. But you have to write to Snuffles.
But I'm no good at writing letters.
Of course you are!
Well, I don't like writing letters. How's about I go see Dumbledore, and you write both letters?
Why don't you want to write letters?
No reason. I just don't like writing them.
Fine. You go speak to Dumbledore, and the letters are all mine. Wuss.
OI!
Ms Granger,
You know, that almost constitutes as flirting. Almost. And you know who flirts? TEENAGERS. This is a step in the right direction. But only a very small step. A miniscule step. More of a shuffle really.
Actually, now that we think about it, that attempt at flirting was pretty pathetic. In fact, it sounded a lot like you just insulting him. This won't do. Get back in your cupboard where you belong and leave living to teenagers. REAL teenagers.
Yours scathingly,
The Association of Teenagers
Dear Percy,
I'm sorry to trouble you, but I was wondering if you could help me. A friend of mine has a project on International Magical Co-operation, and she doesn't know what to write about. Is there any chance you could send me some bumf on it to me, so I could pass it on to her?
Sorry to bother you, hope you are all well.
Yours,
Hermione Granger
Dear Snuffles,
What I am about to tell you, you must not write to Harry about. You see, we're trying to cheer him up, and so we're hoping that you might be able to meet us in Hogsmeade. I don't know if Dumbledore told you anything about this, Ron said he didn't while he was there, but I don't know.
The plan is this: you (and Professor Lupin, if he's free) meet us at the end of the road out of Hogwarts (past Dervish and Banges, same as where we met you last time) at twelve noon on Saturday. Then we all talk, Harry smiles and laughs, and everyone's happy. Then we might have a picnic.
Please send your reply as soon as possible, and not a word to Harry.
Reply soon,
Hermione
Dear Ms Granger,
Those letters to Percy and Sirius were really wonderful. Very imaginative and perfectly structured. No, really, you should be, like, a writer or something.
Yours,
The Society of Talented and Interesting Correspondents
HERMIONE!! OVER HERE!!! THE ONE WITH THE NOTE ON IT!!!
So, do you want to get the butterbeer or the party snacks?
Lavender
Lavender,
What in heaven's name are you talking about?
Hermione
HERMIONE!!!! LOOK AT THIS!!!!!
I'm talking about our little party Saturday night. Butter beer or party snacks?
Lavender
Lavender,
You've still got your heart set on this party thing? I'll get party snacks, if I have time.
Hermione
THE NOTE!!! LOOK AT THE NOTE, HERMIONE!!!!
Of course I've got my heart set on it. Don't get Fizzing Whizzbees – Parvati's allergic.
Lavender
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Sorry, that may be a bit short, but it's got societies in there – happy? Also, I don't know quite what's happening to the storyline, it appears to have veered off into NonsenseLand. Ah well. Sorry for any spelling mistakes I missed, too.
Thank yous to:
Hermione 2000 – Mmmm… Seamus. He just makes me laugh. Go you for converting your friend! One day we'll have them all… mwhahahaha.
Kaylin – Sure, Icarus is kinda a cool name, but, well, if you call your kid that, there's a slight chance they'd get beaten up in the playground. My mum knows a kid called Che Guevara. Haha. And he goes to a private school… odd. Socks!
tempestuous – idyllic Spain… does that remind you of oranges? Just wondering… Hmm…
milliniumgirl9
SatanicGnomes – So many YAYs! *scared* Sorry about the strangeness of the Death Eater thing. Um… they're… repressing? I thought I imagined that part of your review, cuz I couldn't remember who said it, and I thought I'd finally lost my mind… =cS Hah, brainwashed… mwhahahaha. Sorry it's late. Love the quote! Will brandish it at H/Hr shippers etc
Quidditch, Anyone? – Alfonso is nice… unless he's really a Death Eater in disguise… *shifty eyes* …but he's not. So… yeah. Well, I'd kill for a 98%. But I did get a 96% once… *sighs and gets dreamy look on face* but that was an argumentative essay, and, well, I can argue. Heh heh.
Splotchy the Missing Spoon – Of course you'll be king… *backs away slowly, knocking over coconuts… bugger*
reila robyn – Queen of the Opera Singing Sporks is good… and so is the fact that all of your limbs are intact. That's always a good thing.
J. – That is very scary… I put in more societies – 4 I think. I dunno, count if you want. And sorry about the spelling – my mum would be itching for her red correcting pen if she read it (she's a teacher…). Of course, I could always blame it on Ron's spelling… but that wouldn't be fair. Poor Ron. Sure, girls still love you all. But still… You should write a fanfic about Ron. He's the bestest. And plus, maybe you stand more chance of fathoming out his head (no sense… bugger) than us girls. And redheads are the best! No such thing as too Dutch. Tell us your name, dammit. *smiles sweetly*
Aerial – So what language do you speak? Sorry, nosey. I get points! Yay!
bitethepenguin – Find it! Go on… and sorry this chapter's short AND late. Oops.
pippins-gal – Yes, I am well aware of the fact that you know me in RL. Dumbass. And I'll think about putting them in. Maybe. Depends. You'll have to be very good for the rest of term. And no mocking me…
Silvertongue – I'm honoured. Really, really honoured. And I'll try and keep it alive, and water it and give it lots of fish food etc.
Marionette – He can't be a sexy bookworm without his glasses, dammit *glares at… someone* Hmmm… they may never figure it out. But I'm guessing they will. Sometime. The question is… when? *spooky music*
Aerowynn – Yes, socks are good… duct tape? Right… Monty Python! Why do all Americans, when you say you're English, ask 'Oh, like Monty Python?' and say Python like Pahtahrn? That's always puzzled me…
