Disclaimer: Still hers, dammit.
A/N: Sorry last chapter's formatting was buggered up – I tried to fix it about 17 times, but it won't change! I'll try again once this chapter's well and truly posted. Dunno when next chapter will be up cuz I have English Language GCSE on the 11th and 14th, and so will probably lots of time revising/practicing/panicking about those cuz I need to pass them, or else no uni, and goodbye PhD. And lets not forget the history, physics, biology and geography coursework, which I will have to spend most of my waking hours on… I really hate school sometimes. Oh, and Rosmerta is a fertility goddess, possibly Celtic, so that's why that's the name, and it's nothing to do with Hogsmeade pub… or is it…? No, it's not.
* * * * *
Dear Ms Granger,
You are one of the best members our society has ever seen! You have exactly three hours in which to write a foot-long Charms essay on Controlling the Weather, a foot-long Potions essay on Healing Potions, a TWO-foot-long essay on The Rise and Fall of Grindelwald AND revise for an extremely important Transfiguration exam. You know, this one counts for your O.W.L.s, too. 25% of your final mark is based on your ability to turn a chest of drawers into a Diricawl. This is simply amazing! We applaud you. We bow down to your superiority. We cannot believe that you are so good at this!
Yours in awe,
The Manager
Society of People Who Are Definitely Going to Fail Their O.W.L.s (and Most Probably Life as Well!!)
Hermione, did you write to them?
What?
Did you write to Sirius and Lupin?
Of course.
Good. What did they say?
Nothing yet.
But… it's Friday night! They're not going to reply in time!
Of course they will, stop panicking. That poor owl's got to fly 100, maybe 200 miles, possibly even 300, I'm not too sure whereabouts exactly Hogwarts is. It's a long way for a little owl, but it'll get back soon.
Of course, the 'poor little owl'… gonna start campaigning for owl rights too, now? S.P.O.O.N.? Society for the Protection of Owls and Other Night-birds?
Shut up, Ron. I was just saying that we can't expect the owl to make the whole journey this quickly. It'll probably get back sometime tonight. And besides, we do rely on owls a bit too much – we can't expect them to fly everywhere so quickly, and the size of some of the parcels that wizards tie to them… it's awful.
Oh bloody hell… why did I even mention it?? There is no way in hell I'm going to be bloody treasurer again – I'd rather keep a Nundu as a pet… I'd rather sleep under a Lethifold… hell, I'd rather have a conversation with bloody Lockhart.
I'm not going to start an owl protection group! Especially not one with such a stupid name as S.P.O.O.N. And it's not as if you ever do anything in your role as a treasurer – you never even go to the S.P.E.W. meetings, and I don't think I've ever seen you wear the badge.
That's because I don't want to wear a badge with spew emblazoned on the front of it! Really, it's like an invitation. And not a good one…And I thought S.P.O.O.N. was quite a clever acronym… I was proud of that.
S-P-E-W!! Stop calling it spew! And spoon might be funny, but you can't expect to be taken seriously with a name like that.
Whereas spew adds a real touch of elegance and sophistication…
Oh, shut up. I'll tell you when I get the letter, but for now, I have to read up about Erklings.
Fine. Maybe I'll go and read about Erklings too.
Ms Granger,
Well done you! That could have turned into a nasty fight, but you… you kept your cool and didn't rise to his taunts and provocations. Well, not much. We are proud, and also a little astonished to offer you a membership to our distinguished society. Please think our offer over and respond as soon as possible.
Yours,
Peacekeepers Unite
Hermione, dear,
I don't know what happens in Muggle-born families, but I've been reading 'What to Expect When You're Expecting a Wizard' by Rosmerta Mulvaney (Ronald's mother recommended it - she really is very nice, we're going to theirs for dinner next Wednesday) and it hasn't mentioned it yet. Please do check your library, I think it really would be quite useful to know…
I have been thinking about leaving behind Greek mythology… I've found some lovely names in Norse and Celtic mythology – what about Tyr or Woden for a boy, and Niamh for a girl? Or, back to Greek, Hera and Athena are lovely names, too. We have a long time to decide still.
We don't know whether it's a boy or girl – your father and I don't want to find out until the baby's born.
Hope you are well and coping with all your work – remember, this is a very important year – have you given any thoughts to what career path you would like to take?
Lots of love,
Mum and Dad
PS I've gotten rid of all coffee, alfalfa sprouts etc, just as you said. There's no nice food left in the house now… keep working hard, pumpkin, and don't let the bastards get you down! – Dad
Dear Miss Granger,
Perhaps you didn't hear us the first few times. Perhaps we have not been saying it loud enough. Or perhaps you have just not being paying attention to us. So, for our benefit and yours, we will say it again: Find a cupboard, climb in, make yourself comfortable, and stay there until your teenage years are over.
Do not ignore this.
Yours menacingly,
The Association of Teenagers
Hermione,
Calm. You do not need to speak Mandarin Chinese. Everything will be alright. Take deep breaths. Ron's eyes may be blue, but we won't let them beat us, dammit. We will prevail!
I'm not going to say a thing about Ron looking at you oddly. I'm just going to sit here and grin in a superior fashion and let you imagine what I'm grinning about. Can you guess? Of course you can. Think about it… I'm right, yet again. It's a burden, sure, but I manage.
What's Disney? Little Mermaid? Eric? Is this one of those weird Muggle things? Cuz if it is, I should tell you that I know next to nothing about Muggles. Really. Alfonso's a Muggleborn and he's always trying to teach me more about them – he's always on about something called 'futbol'. I think that's in Spanish, I don't know what it is in English. As far as I can make out, this is a sport that consists of twenty-two overgrown boys chasing a pig's bladder around a patch of grass. They try and kick it into big nets or something… it sounds boring anyway, I mean, no one even flies! And there's only one ball! I really don't see the attraction. He keeps talking about Real Madrid, especially some player called Ronaldo… I tune out after a while, because I can't understand a word he's saying. At least when he talks about los Mirlos de Madrid I stand a chance – Quidditch makes so much more sense!
I would love you forever if you got Ron to write to his brother! It's not due in for about a month, but I have to do well cuz I failed the last project and I need to make good marks on this one or else I might get a letter home, which would mean a howler, which would mean the whole school staring and laughing at me… so I'd really appreciate any help I can get. Any help. ANY.
Alfonso says it was a pleasure and an honour to write to the friend of the person who turned Carlos Enojoso paisley. He still adores Ron for that… can't say that I blame him. That picture is just about all that keeps me sane when Enojoso's being his prattish self… he takes the piss out of Alfonso just cuz he does well at school – I mean, why?? He's just jealous cuz Alfonso's a gazillion times smarter than him. Hell, a COCKROACH is a gazillion times smarter than Enojoso! He's just amazingly jealous cuz Alfonso's nicer, funnier, much more charming, better looking, AND he has real friends. No one in their right mind would ever really like Enojoso, the two-faced little git. The things he does…
I'm getting carried away. I have to go and try to start making decisions on what O.R.O.s I'm going to take. Which is so stupid I can't even put it into words – we haven't even taken our bloody E.J.O.T.E.s yet! Stupid school, making us decide the rest of our lives at fifteen.
Hope all is well with you.
Love and Too many choices,
Elena
Ms Granger,
You hear that? Elena's already deciding on what O.R.O.s to take – don't you think you should start thinking about N.E.W.T.s? And do you even have any idea what you want to do for the rest of your life? These things don't just sort out themselves, you know! You have to make the right decisions now, or else your whole life will go down the drain along with all your hopes, dreams and ambitions. And you don't want that to happen now, do you? So pull your act together young lady!
And you still haven't washed behind those ears, have you?
Yours naggingly,
It's For Your Own Good PLC
Hermione,
Yes, Professor Dumbledore did write to me about it, and I'd be delighted to come! Moony says he'd be 'positively delighted to attend' (nonce… he's just trying to sound smart) so the both of us'll see you there, at twelve noon on the dot (anal retentive Moony… you gotta love him) and we'll bring oodles of goodies
Do you really think I would tell Harry about this? I have some experience of being secretive. I'm a Marauder. Honestly, what to they teach you kids these days?
See you soon,
Snuffles
HERMIONE!!! OVER HERE, MY DARLING!!
Don't forget the party snacks. We're counting on you.
Parvati
Parvati,
Don't be so melodramatic. A) I won't forget them, b) even if I do, it doesn't matter! It'll be just fine without them, it's only a silly sleepover. In the room where we always sleep, I might add.
Hermione
HERMIONE!! LOOK BEHIND THE BOOK!!!
It's not silly. And I'm not melodramatic either. Don't let us down… we know where you live.
Parvati
Parvati,
Now you're just being plain ridiculous.
Hermione
* * * * *
This is short cuz I've spent most of my spare time on coursework, and, oh yes, panicking about the incredibly important exam I have in less than 12 hours!! My English Language GCSE!! That's the equivalent of an O.W.L. for all those who are fortunate enough to not have to take them. Oh and the title of Hermione's mum's book is a spoonerism of What to Really Expect When You're A Wizard Expecting (story id is 268297 – go read!)
Massive thank you hugs to:
Hermione 2000 – I know, format was stupid. Sorry. I hope your nail's okay… wasn't the movie so great???
Senna – Different… hmm… =)
SatanicGnomes – I know! Life without Disney would not be life at all, just a mere shadow. Pure brilliance? Thanks… and please, please, PLEASE curse my GCSEs! But not me as I take them…
Splotchy the Missing Spoon – Yes you scare me, very much.
bitethepenguin – you bought the book! Wahoo! Yeah, it's a bit odd to ask about Monty python, but hey… at least it's funny!
Angelgurl – Sorry about the format…
Kaylin – yes, I got Percy in… he looks very cute with bedhead in the film… mm…
Adi – Thanks for the names… I nicked a few, as you can see, and will probably nick more later… and I have absolutely no idea what an umlout is. =)
Reila, Queen of the Opera Singing Sporks – I continued soonish… is that okay for you?
tempestuous – You know what's really insanely adorable? Rupert Grint. I can't believe I didn't notice before!
J. – 100! Woohoo! English is a very weird language, and you have way too much math.
Quidditch, Anyone? – Bridget Jones! Colin Firth…mmm… and Ronliness, yay also. And I think I told you in a review, but in case I didn't a fringe is bangs. Why?
Marionette – they'll figure it out eventually… have you seen the film? Percy has bedhead! Mmm…
fetch – Finally! Sorry about format, will fix…
lordoftheringsfanatic – LOTR!! Woohoo!
Aerial – I'm confused too. *cries as well* I need sleep. And also chocolate.
Kirjava – I'll try and put that society in… somewhere… sometime…
Now, off to bed to toss and turn and panic about messing up my exam! Yay!
