Disclaimer: JKR owns Harry Potter. Plagiarism is fun.
A/N: Sorry if the format is STILL buggered up. I will try and upload an un-buggered version at the library when I have time. Until then, try Quidditch, Anyone?'s idea of copying and pasting this sorry excuse for a formatted story into a Word document. If any of you know how to fix the buggeredness, PLEASE tell me. I'm getting desperate. And I'm sorry this is so late – a combination of life, school, computer problems and writer's block. When it rains, it pours, eh? Anyone who can spot the Spike quote gets a cookie. And a slice of chocolate gateau for anyone who can spot the Spike quote AND the Buffy episode title. Obsessed, moi?
Dedicated to Glenn Quinn – 1970-2002. Such a cute little half-demon, and with my surname too. (For those of you who haven't a clue who he was, he played Doyle in Angel)
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Ms Granger,
That's it, distract Harry, we can't have him guessing what you are doing. Subtly does it, subtle… subtle… NO! NO! That's not subtle! Back away! Abort mission, abort!
Okay, attempt re-entry. Just go back into the shop. Ron and Harry won't mind that you ran out looking panicked. They are used to you stressing out by now. Just tell them you have a plethora of educational scribblings, and hope it confuses them. THEN introduce the master plan. Suggest that you all go to Dervish and Banges. Then… pretend to be fascinated by a rock or something, and then… BOOM! Sirius the dog appears. It cannot fail. Well, it can, but screw your courage to the sticking-place and you'll not fail! And for goodness' sake, stop quoting Shakespeare. It's getting a bit old now. Just march back in there, and you show them who's boss!
Yours encouragingly,
Prompts At Your Service
Agent Granger,
Congrats. Mission Snuffles accomplished! This message will self-destruct in 40 seconds.
Yours Stealthily,
The Secret Society of All Things Sneaky
Hermione,
Find enclosed some bumf about International Magical Co-operation. Hope this is helpful. Hope you are all well. Must get back to Ministry business.
Yours,
Percival Weasley
Elena,
It's called 'football'. My dad likes it – he's obsessed with a team called Wolverhampton Wanderers, something that is a constant annoyance to my mother. She thinks he should spend more time gardening and less time sitting in front of the television (Muggle thing – I explained that to you, right?) wearing a bright orange shirt and screaming 'Go Ince! Oh, you PILLOCK! Kick the BALL, kick the BALL!! Oi, ref, where'd ya leave your glasses??' Can't think why.
I wrote to Ron's brother for you, and he sent me so much information it's a wonder the poor owl he sent it with didn't fall into the sea. Actually, not so much a wonder – I don't think it had to fly over the sea… well, it's a wonder it didn't drop like a stone. Ron reckons I've got some new obsession with saving the owls. Thinks I should start a society called spoon. He's just mad cuz I make him actively participate in S.P.E.W. Typical teenage boy.
Speaking of… okay, not really speaking of, but we met up with Harry's godfather and his best friend today. I suppose it is kinda speaking of… they both act as though they're still no older than 16 most of the time. We met them outside Hogsmeade, the only real wizarding town in Britain. It's absolutely fascinating – they have wizarding sweetshops, wizarding pubs, wizarding clothes shops, even a not-so-haunted shack. And there are parts of town where there are clusters of houses where no one but wizards can live. Muggles can't even SEE these places. A good thing too, cuz if they could, they'd start to get seriously suspicious – these houses have chimneys and windows in all sorts of unnatural places. And some of the things in their gardens… they have gnomes and these really strange little birds that I must look up tonight. And the plants! They have plants that are all the colours of the rainbow, and some look like animals, and once, one actually talked to me. A plant talked to me! Ron told me to stop acting like such a Muggle – apparently there are loads of plants that talk and he was 'surprised I'd never read about them before'. He's so… annoying when he's trying to be superior. But, I digress. Where was I?
Ah yes, we were meeting Harry's godfather and his friend, Remus Lupin and… Orion Brown. I haven't seen Orion in almost a year, but I think Harry may have seen him during the summer – he's very protective, although he doesn't get to see so much of Harry as he should like to cuz of the Muggles Harry lives with. And he's also quite busy. And I don't think any of us have seem Professor Lupin since he left our school at the end of our third year – he used to be our Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, and he was BRIILIANT. But there were a few… difficulties, so he had to leave. It was lovely to see them all again, and I can't remember the last time I saw Harry looking so happy and carefree. They told him loads of stories about his parents when they were younger – the things they got up too! Professor Lupin, Orion, Harry's dad and another boy were the best of friends and they called themselves 'The Marauders'. They were awful – any trouble that they could possibly get into, they dived into headfirst. But Harry loved hearing about it at least, and they gave him a few pictures.
The rest of the time they spent acting like teenage boys. All four of them. What I did to deserve that I don't know – Harry Potter, Ronald (hah! He hates being called that) Weasley, Remus Lupin (he insisted we stop calling him Professor, but it's strange) and Orion Brown. They'd scare the bejesus out of almost anything.
Well, I'd better go now – Lavender and Parvati have organised a 'sleepover' – in the dorm we sleep in every night – for us, and they'll be offended if I spend the whole night writing to you. I'd better try and be civil, but if they so much as try and paint my toenails… they'll be sorry.
Love and Godawful makeovers,
Hermione
P.S. Hope you find the bumf from Ron's brother useful! And I hope it didn't kill the owl.
Hermione,
Let them paint your nails. Let them style you hair. If they really want, let them paint your face. It is a small price to pay to make some friends. You need some real girlfriends. Elena doesn't count – have you even met her? No, no you haven't. You need to make friends with some girls in your year, some girls who you live with. And who could be better than Parvati and Lavender? They can teach you how to be a girl. You're 16 now, if you only have boys for friends, you'll turn out strange. This is for your own good.
Yours sincerely,
Handy Hints on How to Make Friends
(A Division of the Best Friends Club)
Hermione,
Well, that went appallingly. That was a complete and utter disaster. That was just… neat. The look on Ron's face! We have not laughed this hard in years! It has the makings of a classic. Girl lets friends put makeup on her, boy knocks on door, girl answers door, boy is absolutely petrified by girl looking a state in makeup! That poor boy will be having nightmares for weeks. You really did look awful. Do you mind if we tell all our friends? It just wouldn't be fair to deprive them of this!
Yours hysterically,
Situation Comedy Society
Hermione and Ron,
I can't thank you enough for organising that meeting with Snuffles and Remus. It was the most fun I've had in absolutely AGES. I really can't thank you enough. Thank you so, so, so much.
See you at breakfast!
Harry
Ron
Hermione
So… how are you?
I'm fine thanks. And you? Have fun last night?
Yes. Lots of fun.
Doing makeovers?
Some of the time. I'd rather not talk about it.
Oh. Well, you looked very… nice.
There's no need to humour me Ron. I looked like a little girl who'd got lost in her mum's handbag. What were you doing at our dorm anyway?
No you didn't. I was coming to ask you something.
What?
It doesn't matter.
Oh. Okay.
Dear Ms Granger,
Once more, you ACTUALLY were stupid enough to think that he might really like you. Honestly, we've tried to drum this into your head so many times already it's almost lost all meaning. But once more, with feeling: Ronald Weasley has nothing but platonic feelings for you – if even them. You are an annoying frizzy-headed bookworm who gets on his nerves. The sooner you realise this, the better it will be for all of us.
Yours etc.
Cold Hard Truth Association
Ms Granger,
We forgot to tell you: your teeth may no longer be all bucky, but they're still far from perfect. Please, if at all possible, do NOT smile. We have just eaten.
Yours etc again,
Cold Hard Truth Association
Dear Mum and Dad,
You know, there are some perfectly normal names in mythology. Can't you use one of those? Do you WANT your child's life to be made a misery because of its name? Think about it. Please. For the baby's sake. Niamh was better than most of your other names. Just please, please don't call the poor thing Persephone.
I hope you have fun at the Weasleys – have you been to their house before? Be careful when you're there – there are wizarding things everywhere, and you know how Dad gets when something makes him jump. It's a lovely house though – absolutely fascinating, and also really warm and cosy. I'm glad you like Mrs Weasley. Actually, I think it may be physically impossible to NOT like Mrs Weasley – she's one of the nicest, most kind-hearted people I've ever met. Well, impossible to dislike her unless you're one of those prejudiced snobby elitist kind of wizards. The kind who think that unless you have wizarding blood back to the dark ages and a huge mansion full to the brim of servants who lick your feet and build up your already inflated ego, that you're a waste of space.
I cannot BELIEVE that slimy little git (sorry mum, that's the only word possible to describe him) ever said that. I won't repeat it. I know it's not true. He's not fit to grovel at her feet, he knows nothing. It did upset Ron though. He's still upset about it now, despite the fact that it was over a month ago. His looks get more and more murderous. One of these days he's just going to pounce on that jumped-up little rich boy and give him the pounding he deserves. I, for one, am not going to try and stop him.
Anyway, I have asked Madam Pince (the school librarian) to check to see if she has any books on that topic. I don't know whether she will or not – she glared at me and stalked off muttering about mucky fingers all over her nice clean books. She scares me a little.
I have not given too much thought to what I should like to do when I'm older. I have almost three years to decide, and I don't intend to rush it. As for deciding my N.E.W.T.s, I have a few ideas, but nothing is finalised yet. I'll let you know when it is.
Love and Kisses,
Hermione
P.S. – Thanks Dad. I'm working hard, and don't worry, no bastard will ever get me down.
Hermione,
What's this? A mysterious envelope? We are intrigued! Please, open the envelope, see what is inside, and keep us abreast of any new developments,
Yours single-eyebrow-raisedly,
The Secret and Mysterious Association
Of All That is Secret and Mysterious
Dear Hermione,
Hi. I didn't think that I could really speak to you so I'm writing you this note. Hi. I can't really put it into words on paper either. Just… well, don't worry. Somebody cares.
Yours 'til the moon goes mouldy,
Your Secret Admirer
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Wait! Come back! I haven't sunken even further into predictability! I have a TWIST! Please stay? And I will write better chapters soon. Really. Ppllleeeaaassseeee stay?
Loadsa thanks (for reviewing and being patient… some more so than others…) to:
Jira – Danke!
Aerial – Chocolate cures all ills. Glad you like Elena, and wanna join spoon? I'm sure Ron would like some members…
Marionette – Parvati is an odd one, isn't she? I've finished almost all my coursework!
Princess Eliana – Yes, ice cream is good…
Kaylin – I just had a long weekend! But that was just cuz I was ill, and so had to stay home and miss FENCING. Dammit. A whole hour of poking annoying first years… hehe. Yeah, if you want to borrow one the societies you can… but they don't really belong to me, do they? Beauty and the Beast with HP… who'd be who?
tempestuous – Five years… that's nothing once you're older! Nothing at all. So it shouldn't really matter now, should it? Rupert Grint is so… redheaded. I'm so biased. Glad I made your day! Reviews make my day, so I guess it's a fair trade off, innit? And I think the good luck worked, cuz I'm fairly certain I didn't fail! Go me!
SatanicGnomes – Don't worry, I won't steal Rupert Grint… but I do have my contacts AND I live nearer! Bwhahaha! I have contacts with no less than THREE of the HP cast. Hehe. Didn't the film rock? Sigh. Still prefer the books though.
Myrtle – Some of the letters and associations ARE straight out of the book. So that's probably why they look so familiar. But hey, SOME are original. I don't think Senna left an email addy, so sorry, I don't know. But an email reminding you to read this chapter has clearly already reached you, cuz you're here.
Quidditch, Anyone? - *scared* Remind me to never EVER piss you off. =) I don't know if they're going to meet… maybe. Depends. They've only got a few chapters in which to do it though.
Hermione 2000 – Hey, it's not my fault – school started it. I'm now supposed to be taking an A level in Physics, Maths, Geography and Classic Civilisations PLUS an AS in Further Maths. I swear they brainwashed me. It won?? Wow! I know… squeaky butterfly Ron… and the spiders! I almost broke my friend's hand I was clinging on to her so much.
Splotchy the Missing Spoon – I went to a preview… yay! Yes, implode is a very nice word… *backs away more*
Anna - Yes, Ron is the best. Bestest, bestest, BESTEST.
Kirjava – Patience is a virtue my child! But, as you can see, I did finally update, so all the pestering must have worked…
Wendelin the Weird - *blushes* You're too kind. No, really you are. But thank you very very much! And true, it is quite hard to criticise without a head. But hey, not all critics are entirely human, so you never know.
Jk – You got mocks too? Why does everyone have mocks??
Fantasy apple – be-hind kicking… always fun. Sorry I took so long. And they will figure it out… soon… *cackles evilly*
Smurky – Height of Coolness Award? Yay! I'll put it next to my other (ever so slightly non-existent) awards. They do say Pahtahrn to me! Well, they did in New England anyway… I completely support GAG. Can I join?
Superbookworm – I so want to read The Boy next Door! It's on my Xmas list. It looks sooo good =). And I'm glad you like Elena. She was meant to be a plot device, but then she went and got a character… grrr…
Leesa – Yes, there will be more chapters. Now.
Purplemonkies – Nope, not done. Yet. Not much left though. *sad* I'll miss it. The handshake! *sigh* Now where's my Ron?
Danielle – It's just the voices in Hermione's head trying to tell her what to do most of the time.
Aurora-chan – Yup, I write back to everyone, but then again, I don't do my homework… much. And I did keep on writing, even if it did take me a while.
Next chapter will NOT take so long. Just let me get over this cough – I sound like Daniel Radcliffe…