Disclaimer: Yadda yadda yadda, I own absolutely everything. Yup, Vince
adopted me and now I am the heir to the WWE since Shane and Stephanie were
disowned....KIDDING! Gah, I hate these things. I don't own anything at all,
duh! And uh...I don't own any of the song lyrics mentioned here. I don't
really want to own them.
I'm very very sorry about the delay in updates, my mind has been drifting...
Go now and save Hearts Desire's fic. I believe I wrote a very stupid review so go make up for it (stupidity is my specialty, I apologize very much Hearts Desire!). Go now. I will hypnotize you. [swings watch] GO SAVE HER FIC! GO! GO! She's a totally cool person who always reviews this story, go save her favorite fic! It's "Adam", go review it NOW! It must be saved! And don't be a dumbass like me by reviewing before reading stuff closely. Go save it, go save it, go save it now! AHH! I'M SORRY!!
Mostly written before the March 20th edition of Smackdown, but I didn't even see it anyway, due to the news. I don't regret it, though, information is power, especially me living in New York. I got the results of SD on the internet (but I DID get my Spanky/Brian Kendrick pics o_-), so YAY! He's on Smackdown now, he can finally start using a better gimmick than wearing masks and being named after local sports teams. On Velocity when SD was in New York, he was 'The Jet' (if you don't know, the New York Jets are a football team). On another Velocity (in Albany) he was 'The River Rat' (River Rats are a local team). I didn't realize it was Spanky 'till he showed as the Pittsburg Penguin. Then I knew why they all looked alike...LOL I didn't mean to write a long author's note but I guess I did! ^_^ All in all, Brian Kendrick is CUTE!
Um...the world needs more humor during these times. So here we go.
*****************************************
[Kylrane is throwing darts from her doctor's chair. She is NOT happy. Her hair is still a bright orange. The words "Damn you Matt Hardy" are scrawled across the wall. She is assistantless, and, well, if you saw March 18th's Raw (and I know some like aZrAeL may not have seen it), you'd know why she's so damn pissy. Even if you didn't see it, you'll know soon enough.]
Kylrane: [hurls dart] DIE YOU SLUT!!! [The dart pierces Trish Stratus' eye. Yeah.] SOMEONE GET ME MORE DARTS!!! [crickets chirp] I forgot I haven't got anyone to boss around...whoops. [goes and gets her own darts] I NEED AN ASSISTANT!!
[Brian Kendrick runs in. You know, Spanky. Or "The Pittsburg Penguin". But let's stick with Spanky, if you don't mind.]
Spanky: Hey, I'll do ANYTHING to get a job. ANYTHING! I'll buy you beer! You want beer? [pulls out a pack of beer] I'll open it for you, here...[Kylrane shakes her head] How about I be your assistant?
Kylrane: [stares] I thought you'd do anything to get a job on SMACKDOWN. Obviously, I am not Stephanie McMahon. [looks over Spanky] Are you intoxicated??
Spanky: What makes you think that, hun? [starts to walk forward but trips] Whoops, my bad. [gets up] I'm just not getting enough pay for all my work there, so I want to make more money here. I'll streak around the office in my Nike Shox if you want me to prove my desperation! [begins to remove sweater]
Kylrane: WH-OA!! STOP! You don't need to run around naked!! I'll give you the job! [immediately regrets not seeing Spanky shirtless]
Spanky: [surprised] You'll give me the job? [Kylrane nods] Oh, thank you SO much!! [hugs her] YEAH! I'm THAT MUCH CLOSER to achieving my dream! [stares] Why is your hair orange?? [ruffles hair]
Kylrane: Don't you DARE touch my hair!! [pushes him away] I would prefer to FORGET about Matt Hardy and his evil deed!! [searches for a hat]
Spanky: [trying to justify himself] Its...just that....you...look lovely! Pretty girl like yourself looks good in orange! [sees Kylrane's glare] Boss? Am I making you mad? [Kylrane nods] Well, anything I can do for you? Rub your shoulders? Make you a martini? Play chess with you?
Kylrane: [frowns] Go make me some tea.
Spanky: [salutes] Aye, aye, cap'n! [Spanky heads for the door.]
Spanky: Why are there darts all over Trish Stratus' face? She's totally hot! Holes in her head bring down her babe points, you know? Would you want to pick up a chick in a bar if she's been used as a dartboard?
Kylrane: I don't know, I haven't TRIED picking up chicks in a bar. [throws a dart] DAMNIT! MISS! [She goes over and picks up the fallen dart. Staring at Trish for a moment, she takes the dart and begins to stab the diva's eyes out. Yeah, she's a little psychotic on bad days.] DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!!
Spanky: Whoa. Anger management, little lady...[takes hold of Kylrane's arms] Don't play with sharp objects...It's not safe... [takes the darts] Hey, look, I wonder if I can make myself bleed!! [starts to poke himself with the darts]
Kylrane: [Grabbing at darts] Gimme my darts...gimme gimme...you total idiot, give me my darts!! [someone buzzes at the front door] Go get that, it's probably the next appointment!!
Spanky: OK! [begins to walk out]
Kylrane: WAIT! [sighs] Change your pants first, you look absolutely ridiculous in that yellow floral number you're trying to pull.
Spanky: Sure, boss, whatever you want! [begins to change]
Kylrane: IN THE CLOSET, NOT IN FRONT OF ME!! [opens a closet door] Wear normal pants in the office, please, you're almost as bad as Jericho...[thinks] Ok, maybe not THAT bad...
[Spanky goes into the closet and changes into normal pants. The door is still buzzing. Kylrane looks to the closet, sighs, and presses a button on her desk. A monitor comes up. It's view is above the outside door.]
Kylrane: [she zooms in] Whoa. Kane. [presses another button] Kane! Spanky will bring you up in a moment. Sorry for the delay.
[Kane looks around, surprised by the voice.]
Kylrane: The speaker is to your left, by your elbow.
[Kane finds it and nods. Spanky bursts out of the closet, now in jeans.]
Spanky: Do I look good? [does dance]
Kylrane: [ogles] Er...get the door. [Spanky skips out of the door.] The guy's a total cutie, but I hope Kane chokeslams the shit out of him. [rubs forehead] What the hell is with that idiot...it's like he's dying for attention, or one of those fraternity pledges that have to be the frat brother's bitches! [Well, this is what I draw from the MTV series "Fraternity Life"...don't know if that's true, I don't have the "qualifications", like being a male, to be in a fraternity...] Must be hyper or something.
[Kane and Spanky walk in the door. Kane's theme music is playing in the background. The Big Red Machine looks over Kylrane, and then looks at the dart covered picture of Trish Stratus.]
Kane: You're a Jeff Hardy fan, huh?
Kylrane: [scowls] HE KISSED A SLUT!! I HATE HER!! HATE HER!! HATE HER!!!!!! [jumps out of her chair and begins to puncture the picture] DIEEEE!!!!!!!!!!
Spanky: Now, boss, remember what I said! Um...what'd I say again??? [Kylrane is now clawing at the picture] Whoa, that's kind of creepy...[looks at Kane] What should I do?
Kylrane: [stabs Trish's eye with a dart] YOU EVIL DEMON! DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Kane picks her up and puts her in her chair] Want...kill...slut...
Spanky: Can I have her body after you kill her? [gets strange looks] Who says you can't have fun with a dead hot chick? [even stranger looks]
Kylrane: [takes deep breaths] Spanky, please go and make me some tea. Raspberry, please. The purple box. Now.
Spanky: Didn't I do that already?
Kylrane: No.
Spanky: Did you jitterbug into my brain?
Kylrane: [stares] ....
Spanky: It goes a bang-bang-bang till my feet do the same!
Kane: Isn't that a Wham! song?
Kylrane: I don't want to ask...
[The door buzzes]
Kylrane: [stares] Who could that be? I don't usually take two patients in one day. Spanky, could you please get that...and BRING ME TEA WHILE YOU'RE AT IT?
Spanky: Ok. 'Cause you're my lady and I'm your fool, it makes me crazy when you act so cruel! [jitterbugs down the stairs]
Kane: That was DEFINITELY "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go". [gets a weird look] Just because I have a mask doesn't mean I'm a social dumbass.
Kylrane: You consider "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" a big influence on society?? [shakes head] No wonder you need mental help...
Spanky: [waltzes in and points to Kylrane] You put the boom-boom into my heart!
Kane: That's still "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go".
Kylrane: Give me a few more moments of believing all of this is true. Please. [looks adoringly at Spanky] Do I really put the boom-boom into your heart?
Spanky: [totally ignores the question] If I give you five dollars will you dance with me?
Kylrane: Twenty.
Spanky: TWENTY?! Are you nuts?!
Kylrane: [annoyed] Who the hell was at the door, Spanky?
Spanky: [trying to earn an extra buck] How about five bucks for a kiss?
Kylrane: You'd pay me, right? Don't you think I'm worth more than five bucks?
Spanky: [sad] All I have is five bucks, and I'm feeling lonely.
Kylrane: [incredibly pissed] WHO WAS AT THE DOOR?!
Spanky: Calm down, Spankadette, he's using the bathroom! [scratches head] How about five bucks for a hug?
Kane: You're desperate, aren't you boy?
Kylrane: What the hell do you mean by that?! [to Spanky] Yes, you may hug me. But I want my five dollars first. [he gives her five bucks and proceeds to hug her]
Kane: I didn't think you'd be so easily sold to the boy. Then again, she could be a fangirl underneath it all.
Kylrane: I am NOT a fangirl! [trying to push Spanky off] Hello...like, let go now. Please. Let go. I'm telling you. Let go. DO YOU HAVE A DEATH WISH?!
Spanky: [look, another song lyric] You take the grey skies out of my way! You make the sun shine brighter than Doris Day. [gets shoved off]
Jeff Hardy: Get a room. [looks at the Trish Stratus dartboard thing] Whoa.
Kylrane: Eeeeiiiiiiiiiii!!!!! [picks up a dart and tries to throw it at Jeff Hardy] YOU!!! [gets hugged again by Spanky and is restrained] LET GO OF ME!! LET ME KILL HIM!!! I WANT TO KILL HIM!!!!!!!! [to Spanky] YOU OWE ME FIVE MORE DOLLARS!!!!!
Jeff: [sad puppy dog face] Do you really want to hurt me?
Kane: That's not Wham!, that's Culture Club. You know, Boy George? [sighs] I think I'll just shutup now, since I'm now a freak whom everyone thinks has really bad taste in music...
Spanky: [still holding onto Kylrane] Little bossy jitterbug lady, violence is NOT the answer! Can't you feel the love in the air? Plus I think Vince McMahon wouldn't be happy if you hurt the glow in the dark rainbow teenybopper god Jeff Hardy.
Kylrane: [struggling] LET ME GO!! [is released] YOU!! [scrambles after Jeff and starts choking him] WHY?! WHY?! WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?!?!?!?!?
Spanky: Why is boss so upset? I mean, I HUGGED HER!
Kane: Hardy boy kissed Trish Stratus. And she's a bit of a fangirl.
Jeff: [dreamy smile] Yeah...[gets hit by Kylrane] OW!! Why the hell are you so pissed, then?!
Kylrane: 'Cause she got you and now you got diseases!! [chokes him more] I hate you now!! YOU KISSED TRASH SLUTUS!! [choke choke] I should make you eat dirt!! [to Kane] I AM NOT A FANGIRL!!
Spanky: [a little weirded out] Jeff's changing colors...and I don't think it's his face paint.
Kylrane: DAMN RIGHT IT AIN'T HIS FACE PAINT!!!
Kane: I think you should separate them, boy. Now.
Spanky: Why me?
Kane: You're her assistant-bitch-slave. Besides, I think it's funny.
Jeff: [gasping for air] A little help here, guys. [Spanky tugs Kylrane off of Jeff] Thanks, man. [to Kylrane] You were a totally cool chick, what the fuck happened? Now you're trying to murder me?!
Kylrane: Are you an absolute idiot?! Running down the ramp to fight, that's ok. Kissing her?! NOT OK WITH ME!! AND YOU TOOK MY SKITTLES!!! [slowly begins to calm down] ANYWAY...what are you doing here?
Jeff: [rolls eyes and runs his hands through his hair] To have a therapy session with a shrink who's a psycho herself!
Kylrane: [grows fangs] WATCH YOUR MOUTH HARDY BOY OR YOU'LL FIND THAT YOU CAN'T BOP AROUND ON THE STAGE SINCE YOU'LL FIND MORE THAN THE ROCK'S BOOT STUCK STRAIGHT UP YOUR CANDY ASS!! [points to her one volume copy of The Lord of The Rings] YOU'LL SEE THIS TOO!! [her nails have turned into claws] GOT IT?! [breathing heavily]
Jeff: [meekly] Yes Ma'am. [shrinks away]
Kylrane: [sighs] Why is it that I have two patients scheduled for the same time slot....? Ooh, I swear if Starlight had been lurking through my papers trying to find my math homework and screwed up the schedule, she's gonna die. [is composing herself] ...Or maybe it was Panda, she's trying to get back at me for all those 'David' jokes...[chuckles] Ah, it was Shannon!! [his handwriting is in the appointment book, and it says 2:00 PM - Kane 2:00 PM- Jeff Hardy] Damn that dumbass...[puts head in hands] Why must the job be so stressful?
Kane: Ok, I've been sitting here for nearly a half hour and doing next to nothing. When the hell can we do the psychology crap I came here for?
Jeff: Yeah! When are you going to constantly tell me I'm 'conflicted and complex'?
Kylrane: I'm not JR, damnit!! [slams hand down] Spanky, I WANT MY TEA! I ASKED YOU FOUR TIMES ALREADY AND YOU'VE IGNORED ME!!! TEA, NOW, DAMNIT, NOW!!!
Spanky: If I bring you tea, then will you let me kiss you? [gets a dart thrown at him] Ok, ok, no kiss!! [runs out]
Kane: Why is he wearing a Hawaiian shirt?
Kylrane: Oh yeah, nearly forgot about that. Well, we'll leave the Hawaiian shirt, I personally think it's cute. [gets weird looks from Kane and Jeff] May I remind you I AM a female?? Damn, even my friends look at me funny if I think a guy's cute, and they're my FRIENDS. [sighs] Ok, let's begin with you Kane.
Kane: I'm a freak. I accept it. Ok, now Jeff's turn.
Jeff: [was dozing off] ...Huh? [looks around] Oh. Why is your hair like that? [Kylrane turns red] It's been dyed improperly, the orange looks like it's been wiped off while still in your hair.
Kylrane: That idiot brother of yours came in and tried to give me a dose of Mattitude...by making me look tacky. [rubs hair] It won't come out. I hate it. Haxor keeps calling me carrot top. [sad] WHY DOES LIFE HATE ME?! [finds a hat and puts it on]
Kane: So you're a freak too. Accept it. [gets glared at] Seriously, I mean it! Everyone made fun of me 'cause of my mask, but you know what? Freaks are COOL! I've got a whole legion of Kananites out there, what makes you think you can't have Kylranenanties?
Jeff: She's not a wrestler with superhuman strength. [Kane hits him] OWW!!! DAMNIT!!!
Kane: Fine, how the hell would you solve her problem? Kiss her like you did Trish?
Kylrane: Don't remind me about that...
Spanky: [pops in with the tea] Who's getting kissed? Who's getting kissed? I wanna be kissed!!
Jeff: No one's gonna kiss you, man. So shut the shit.
Kylrane: Don't talk to him like that!! [takes the tea] Thank you, Spanky. [to Jeff] Leave Spanky alone, he's currently ahead of YOU on my favorite people list.
Spanky: Really?? [jumps] Yeah!!
Jeff: Why the hell is that?!
Kylrane: Spanky's not a carrier of diseases. And he brought me tea.
Kane: [rolls eyes] When is this love...er, hate fest going to end??
Kylrane and Jeff: When we damn well feel like it!!
Spanky: Hate? Who hates me? [sad face]
Jeff: I do! Your shirt is ugly.
Spanky: Your face is ugly.
Jeff: Your name is stupid.
Spanky: Your band is stupid.
Jeff: You wear pink tights.
Spanky: You wear dumb boots.
Jeff: You're Kylrane's bitch.
Spanky: At least when I work I do something productive. [grins]
Jeff: [is stumped] .... [starts to cry] It's not my fault I'm being wasted on Raw!!
Kane: Wow. Blondie boy hit a soft spot.
Kylrane: Good job, Spanky!! [Jeff gives her a sad face] Oh NO, you are NOT about to make me feel guilty!! [sips tea] Ahh, I'm calming down. Now Jeff, why do you feel like you're being wasted?
Jeff: [sniff sniff] I get put in stupid matches, I always lose, I don't even get to hook up with girls, and I WANT A TITLE SHOT!!!
Kylrane: What have you done to deserve a title shot recently, Jeff? You've run down to interfere in matches and half of the time you get your ass handed to you! Kane, for example, has a pretty good track record for his wins and wrestled for a REALLY long time. But when was the last time he got a title shot? He's not whining like you.
Kane: Actually, I whine in private, but since I'm the big red machine, I keep my emotions bottled up. [sees Kylrane's look] I wasn't supposed to mention that, was I? [shrugs] It's not like Hardy's gonna STOP complaining.
Jeff: [pouts] That's not nice.
Kylrane: But he's got a point.
Jeff: How come if I insult Spanky, you defend him, but if I get insulted, you make it worse??
Kylrane: Spanky's actually on my good side. You're not.
Spanky: Yeah! In your FACE!! [proceeds to get his ass whupped by Jeff]
Kane: [watching in amusement] Are you gonna stop them? That's your boy getting beat.
Kylrane: [eating popcorn and sipping her tea] I think this is funny, actually. [holds out the popcorn] Want some? [Kane takes some]
[Jeff has beat Spanky to the floor. He prepares to do a Swanton Bomb off of the desk, but Kylrane pushes him off.]
Kylrane: I've always wanted to do that!! [looks down] Sowwy, Jeffy.
[Spanky crawls over to the fallen Hardy and pulls him up. He gave Jeff a neckbreaker, and Kylrane began to worry. Kane, however, is cheering for more.]
Kane: Chokeslam!! Try a chokeslam!!
[Spanky attempts a chokeslam on Jeff, but Hardy kicks him in the stomach and pulls a Twist of Fate on Spanky.]
Jeff: Take that, you rookie. [turns to Kylrane] Look, maybe I have issues, but you should solve your own before trying to fix mine.
Kylrane: Go make out with your little whore.
Jeff: Fine!! I will!! And I'll ENJOY IT TOO!! [runs as a dart is thrown at him]
Kane: [hands her back the popcorn bag] I should get going too. I have to raise some hellfire and brimstone. Scare some people. Turn my head silently. Sign autographs. That sort of thing. You understand, right?
Kylrane: Yeah, I'm cool with you, Kane. Apparently, so is she. [opens closet door]
Death Scribe: [pops out] It's my fire kitty!! [glomps Kane]
Kane: [thumbs up] See? Freaks are COOL.
Kylrane: [thinks] Hold on...if I let you stay in the closet all this time, did you see Spanky when he was changing??
Death Scribe: [shakes head] Nope, I closed my eyes.
Kylrane: Oh. Ok, you're free to go.
[Death Scribe, still attatched to Kane, and the Big Red Machine leave. Spanky is still on the floor. Kylrane sighs and begins to try and wake him up.]
Ok, a really demented chapter has been written. But I tried to make it longer than usual!! Yeah, I was a little *ahem* tweaked that Jeff kissed Trish on Raw, but now I don't give a fuck. Spanky's on Smackdown!!! That makes me happy. My interpretation of Spanky was based on a quote that I got from some article that said something like "Spanky is how I would act like if I was drunk", and his website (I believe it's www.spankyandfriends.com). I took stuff from the poll (If I gave you five dollars would you let me kiss you on the lips?) and his "commentaries" (that's where Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go came in...). So Spanky here was a drunken idiot. But a CUTE drunken idiot.
Also, I hadn't done any author cameos in a while so I figured I'd let Death Scribe in on the fun since she wanted a session with Kane, although this wasn't a very good session. The fire kitty comment came from her own author bio. Uhm...what else? [Spanky groans in pain in the background] Oh yeah. Poor Spanky's not feeling good, so I need another assistant for the next chapter. I will send emails to the first five reviewers I get for this chapter who want to be my assistant (they can write a little note or something saying they do). The first to respond to an email gets to be my assistant!! So, if you want to get the chance to be my assistant, leave your email adress in your review. GET REVIEWING!!!! YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO!! I think I'll have a different assistant each chapter...so you'll get the chance to appear here eventually. C'mon, let's try and make at least 75 reviews by the tenth chapter! Spanky says he loves you...and can he have his five dollars now? :P
I'm very very sorry about the delay in updates, my mind has been drifting...
Go now and save Hearts Desire's fic. I believe I wrote a very stupid review so go make up for it (stupidity is my specialty, I apologize very much Hearts Desire!). Go now. I will hypnotize you. [swings watch] GO SAVE HER FIC! GO! GO! She's a totally cool person who always reviews this story, go save her favorite fic! It's "Adam", go review it NOW! It must be saved! And don't be a dumbass like me by reviewing before reading stuff closely. Go save it, go save it, go save it now! AHH! I'M SORRY!!
Mostly written before the March 20th edition of Smackdown, but I didn't even see it anyway, due to the news. I don't regret it, though, information is power, especially me living in New York. I got the results of SD on the internet (but I DID get my Spanky/Brian Kendrick pics o_-), so YAY! He's on Smackdown now, he can finally start using a better gimmick than wearing masks and being named after local sports teams. On Velocity when SD was in New York, he was 'The Jet' (if you don't know, the New York Jets are a football team). On another Velocity (in Albany) he was 'The River Rat' (River Rats are a local team). I didn't realize it was Spanky 'till he showed as the Pittsburg Penguin. Then I knew why they all looked alike...LOL I didn't mean to write a long author's note but I guess I did! ^_^ All in all, Brian Kendrick is CUTE!
Um...the world needs more humor during these times. So here we go.
*****************************************
[Kylrane is throwing darts from her doctor's chair. She is NOT happy. Her hair is still a bright orange. The words "Damn you Matt Hardy" are scrawled across the wall. She is assistantless, and, well, if you saw March 18th's Raw (and I know some like aZrAeL may not have seen it), you'd know why she's so damn pissy. Even if you didn't see it, you'll know soon enough.]
Kylrane: [hurls dart] DIE YOU SLUT!!! [The dart pierces Trish Stratus' eye. Yeah.] SOMEONE GET ME MORE DARTS!!! [crickets chirp] I forgot I haven't got anyone to boss around...whoops. [goes and gets her own darts] I NEED AN ASSISTANT!!
[Brian Kendrick runs in. You know, Spanky. Or "The Pittsburg Penguin". But let's stick with Spanky, if you don't mind.]
Spanky: Hey, I'll do ANYTHING to get a job. ANYTHING! I'll buy you beer! You want beer? [pulls out a pack of beer] I'll open it for you, here...[Kylrane shakes her head] How about I be your assistant?
Kylrane: [stares] I thought you'd do anything to get a job on SMACKDOWN. Obviously, I am not Stephanie McMahon. [looks over Spanky] Are you intoxicated??
Spanky: What makes you think that, hun? [starts to walk forward but trips] Whoops, my bad. [gets up] I'm just not getting enough pay for all my work there, so I want to make more money here. I'll streak around the office in my Nike Shox if you want me to prove my desperation! [begins to remove sweater]
Kylrane: WH-OA!! STOP! You don't need to run around naked!! I'll give you the job! [immediately regrets not seeing Spanky shirtless]
Spanky: [surprised] You'll give me the job? [Kylrane nods] Oh, thank you SO much!! [hugs her] YEAH! I'm THAT MUCH CLOSER to achieving my dream! [stares] Why is your hair orange?? [ruffles hair]
Kylrane: Don't you DARE touch my hair!! [pushes him away] I would prefer to FORGET about Matt Hardy and his evil deed!! [searches for a hat]
Spanky: [trying to justify himself] Its...just that....you...look lovely! Pretty girl like yourself looks good in orange! [sees Kylrane's glare] Boss? Am I making you mad? [Kylrane nods] Well, anything I can do for you? Rub your shoulders? Make you a martini? Play chess with you?
Kylrane: [frowns] Go make me some tea.
Spanky: [salutes] Aye, aye, cap'n! [Spanky heads for the door.]
Spanky: Why are there darts all over Trish Stratus' face? She's totally hot! Holes in her head bring down her babe points, you know? Would you want to pick up a chick in a bar if she's been used as a dartboard?
Kylrane: I don't know, I haven't TRIED picking up chicks in a bar. [throws a dart] DAMNIT! MISS! [She goes over and picks up the fallen dart. Staring at Trish for a moment, she takes the dart and begins to stab the diva's eyes out. Yeah, she's a little psychotic on bad days.] DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!!
Spanky: Whoa. Anger management, little lady...[takes hold of Kylrane's arms] Don't play with sharp objects...It's not safe... [takes the darts] Hey, look, I wonder if I can make myself bleed!! [starts to poke himself with the darts]
Kylrane: [Grabbing at darts] Gimme my darts...gimme gimme...you total idiot, give me my darts!! [someone buzzes at the front door] Go get that, it's probably the next appointment!!
Spanky: OK! [begins to walk out]
Kylrane: WAIT! [sighs] Change your pants first, you look absolutely ridiculous in that yellow floral number you're trying to pull.
Spanky: Sure, boss, whatever you want! [begins to change]
Kylrane: IN THE CLOSET, NOT IN FRONT OF ME!! [opens a closet door] Wear normal pants in the office, please, you're almost as bad as Jericho...[thinks] Ok, maybe not THAT bad...
[Spanky goes into the closet and changes into normal pants. The door is still buzzing. Kylrane looks to the closet, sighs, and presses a button on her desk. A monitor comes up. It's view is above the outside door.]
Kylrane: [she zooms in] Whoa. Kane. [presses another button] Kane! Spanky will bring you up in a moment. Sorry for the delay.
[Kane looks around, surprised by the voice.]
Kylrane: The speaker is to your left, by your elbow.
[Kane finds it and nods. Spanky bursts out of the closet, now in jeans.]
Spanky: Do I look good? [does dance]
Kylrane: [ogles] Er...get the door. [Spanky skips out of the door.] The guy's a total cutie, but I hope Kane chokeslams the shit out of him. [rubs forehead] What the hell is with that idiot...it's like he's dying for attention, or one of those fraternity pledges that have to be the frat brother's bitches! [Well, this is what I draw from the MTV series "Fraternity Life"...don't know if that's true, I don't have the "qualifications", like being a male, to be in a fraternity...] Must be hyper or something.
[Kane and Spanky walk in the door. Kane's theme music is playing in the background. The Big Red Machine looks over Kylrane, and then looks at the dart covered picture of Trish Stratus.]
Kane: You're a Jeff Hardy fan, huh?
Kylrane: [scowls] HE KISSED A SLUT!! I HATE HER!! HATE HER!! HATE HER!!!!!! [jumps out of her chair and begins to puncture the picture] DIEEEE!!!!!!!!!!
Spanky: Now, boss, remember what I said! Um...what'd I say again??? [Kylrane is now clawing at the picture] Whoa, that's kind of creepy...[looks at Kane] What should I do?
Kylrane: [stabs Trish's eye with a dart] YOU EVIL DEMON! DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Kane picks her up and puts her in her chair] Want...kill...slut...
Spanky: Can I have her body after you kill her? [gets strange looks] Who says you can't have fun with a dead hot chick? [even stranger looks]
Kylrane: [takes deep breaths] Spanky, please go and make me some tea. Raspberry, please. The purple box. Now.
Spanky: Didn't I do that already?
Kylrane: No.
Spanky: Did you jitterbug into my brain?
Kylrane: [stares] ....
Spanky: It goes a bang-bang-bang till my feet do the same!
Kane: Isn't that a Wham! song?
Kylrane: I don't want to ask...
[The door buzzes]
Kylrane: [stares] Who could that be? I don't usually take two patients in one day. Spanky, could you please get that...and BRING ME TEA WHILE YOU'RE AT IT?
Spanky: Ok. 'Cause you're my lady and I'm your fool, it makes me crazy when you act so cruel! [jitterbugs down the stairs]
Kane: That was DEFINITELY "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go". [gets a weird look] Just because I have a mask doesn't mean I'm a social dumbass.
Kylrane: You consider "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" a big influence on society?? [shakes head] No wonder you need mental help...
Spanky: [waltzes in and points to Kylrane] You put the boom-boom into my heart!
Kane: That's still "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go".
Kylrane: Give me a few more moments of believing all of this is true. Please. [looks adoringly at Spanky] Do I really put the boom-boom into your heart?
Spanky: [totally ignores the question] If I give you five dollars will you dance with me?
Kylrane: Twenty.
Spanky: TWENTY?! Are you nuts?!
Kylrane: [annoyed] Who the hell was at the door, Spanky?
Spanky: [trying to earn an extra buck] How about five bucks for a kiss?
Kylrane: You'd pay me, right? Don't you think I'm worth more than five bucks?
Spanky: [sad] All I have is five bucks, and I'm feeling lonely.
Kylrane: [incredibly pissed] WHO WAS AT THE DOOR?!
Spanky: Calm down, Spankadette, he's using the bathroom! [scratches head] How about five bucks for a hug?
Kane: You're desperate, aren't you boy?
Kylrane: What the hell do you mean by that?! [to Spanky] Yes, you may hug me. But I want my five dollars first. [he gives her five bucks and proceeds to hug her]
Kane: I didn't think you'd be so easily sold to the boy. Then again, she could be a fangirl underneath it all.
Kylrane: I am NOT a fangirl! [trying to push Spanky off] Hello...like, let go now. Please. Let go. I'm telling you. Let go. DO YOU HAVE A DEATH WISH?!
Spanky: [look, another song lyric] You take the grey skies out of my way! You make the sun shine brighter than Doris Day. [gets shoved off]
Jeff Hardy: Get a room. [looks at the Trish Stratus dartboard thing] Whoa.
Kylrane: Eeeeiiiiiiiiiii!!!!! [picks up a dart and tries to throw it at Jeff Hardy] YOU!!! [gets hugged again by Spanky and is restrained] LET GO OF ME!! LET ME KILL HIM!!! I WANT TO KILL HIM!!!!!!!! [to Spanky] YOU OWE ME FIVE MORE DOLLARS!!!!!
Jeff: [sad puppy dog face] Do you really want to hurt me?
Kane: That's not Wham!, that's Culture Club. You know, Boy George? [sighs] I think I'll just shutup now, since I'm now a freak whom everyone thinks has really bad taste in music...
Spanky: [still holding onto Kylrane] Little bossy jitterbug lady, violence is NOT the answer! Can't you feel the love in the air? Plus I think Vince McMahon wouldn't be happy if you hurt the glow in the dark rainbow teenybopper god Jeff Hardy.
Kylrane: [struggling] LET ME GO!! [is released] YOU!! [scrambles after Jeff and starts choking him] WHY?! WHY?! WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?!?!?!?!?
Spanky: Why is boss so upset? I mean, I HUGGED HER!
Kane: Hardy boy kissed Trish Stratus. And she's a bit of a fangirl.
Jeff: [dreamy smile] Yeah...[gets hit by Kylrane] OW!! Why the hell are you so pissed, then?!
Kylrane: 'Cause she got you and now you got diseases!! [chokes him more] I hate you now!! YOU KISSED TRASH SLUTUS!! [choke choke] I should make you eat dirt!! [to Kane] I AM NOT A FANGIRL!!
Spanky: [a little weirded out] Jeff's changing colors...and I don't think it's his face paint.
Kylrane: DAMN RIGHT IT AIN'T HIS FACE PAINT!!!
Kane: I think you should separate them, boy. Now.
Spanky: Why me?
Kane: You're her assistant-bitch-slave. Besides, I think it's funny.
Jeff: [gasping for air] A little help here, guys. [Spanky tugs Kylrane off of Jeff] Thanks, man. [to Kylrane] You were a totally cool chick, what the fuck happened? Now you're trying to murder me?!
Kylrane: Are you an absolute idiot?! Running down the ramp to fight, that's ok. Kissing her?! NOT OK WITH ME!! AND YOU TOOK MY SKITTLES!!! [slowly begins to calm down] ANYWAY...what are you doing here?
Jeff: [rolls eyes and runs his hands through his hair] To have a therapy session with a shrink who's a psycho herself!
Kylrane: [grows fangs] WATCH YOUR MOUTH HARDY BOY OR YOU'LL FIND THAT YOU CAN'T BOP AROUND ON THE STAGE SINCE YOU'LL FIND MORE THAN THE ROCK'S BOOT STUCK STRAIGHT UP YOUR CANDY ASS!! [points to her one volume copy of The Lord of The Rings] YOU'LL SEE THIS TOO!! [her nails have turned into claws] GOT IT?! [breathing heavily]
Jeff: [meekly] Yes Ma'am. [shrinks away]
Kylrane: [sighs] Why is it that I have two patients scheduled for the same time slot....? Ooh, I swear if Starlight had been lurking through my papers trying to find my math homework and screwed up the schedule, she's gonna die. [is composing herself] ...Or maybe it was Panda, she's trying to get back at me for all those 'David' jokes...[chuckles] Ah, it was Shannon!! [his handwriting is in the appointment book, and it says 2:00 PM - Kane 2:00 PM- Jeff Hardy] Damn that dumbass...[puts head in hands] Why must the job be so stressful?
Kane: Ok, I've been sitting here for nearly a half hour and doing next to nothing. When the hell can we do the psychology crap I came here for?
Jeff: Yeah! When are you going to constantly tell me I'm 'conflicted and complex'?
Kylrane: I'm not JR, damnit!! [slams hand down] Spanky, I WANT MY TEA! I ASKED YOU FOUR TIMES ALREADY AND YOU'VE IGNORED ME!!! TEA, NOW, DAMNIT, NOW!!!
Spanky: If I bring you tea, then will you let me kiss you? [gets a dart thrown at him] Ok, ok, no kiss!! [runs out]
Kane: Why is he wearing a Hawaiian shirt?
Kylrane: Oh yeah, nearly forgot about that. Well, we'll leave the Hawaiian shirt, I personally think it's cute. [gets weird looks from Kane and Jeff] May I remind you I AM a female?? Damn, even my friends look at me funny if I think a guy's cute, and they're my FRIENDS. [sighs] Ok, let's begin with you Kane.
Kane: I'm a freak. I accept it. Ok, now Jeff's turn.
Jeff: [was dozing off] ...Huh? [looks around] Oh. Why is your hair like that? [Kylrane turns red] It's been dyed improperly, the orange looks like it's been wiped off while still in your hair.
Kylrane: That idiot brother of yours came in and tried to give me a dose of Mattitude...by making me look tacky. [rubs hair] It won't come out. I hate it. Haxor keeps calling me carrot top. [sad] WHY DOES LIFE HATE ME?! [finds a hat and puts it on]
Kane: So you're a freak too. Accept it. [gets glared at] Seriously, I mean it! Everyone made fun of me 'cause of my mask, but you know what? Freaks are COOL! I've got a whole legion of Kananites out there, what makes you think you can't have Kylranenanties?
Jeff: She's not a wrestler with superhuman strength. [Kane hits him] OWW!!! DAMNIT!!!
Kane: Fine, how the hell would you solve her problem? Kiss her like you did Trish?
Kylrane: Don't remind me about that...
Spanky: [pops in with the tea] Who's getting kissed? Who's getting kissed? I wanna be kissed!!
Jeff: No one's gonna kiss you, man. So shut the shit.
Kylrane: Don't talk to him like that!! [takes the tea] Thank you, Spanky. [to Jeff] Leave Spanky alone, he's currently ahead of YOU on my favorite people list.
Spanky: Really?? [jumps] Yeah!!
Jeff: Why the hell is that?!
Kylrane: Spanky's not a carrier of diseases. And he brought me tea.
Kane: [rolls eyes] When is this love...er, hate fest going to end??
Kylrane and Jeff: When we damn well feel like it!!
Spanky: Hate? Who hates me? [sad face]
Jeff: I do! Your shirt is ugly.
Spanky: Your face is ugly.
Jeff: Your name is stupid.
Spanky: Your band is stupid.
Jeff: You wear pink tights.
Spanky: You wear dumb boots.
Jeff: You're Kylrane's bitch.
Spanky: At least when I work I do something productive. [grins]
Jeff: [is stumped] .... [starts to cry] It's not my fault I'm being wasted on Raw!!
Kane: Wow. Blondie boy hit a soft spot.
Kylrane: Good job, Spanky!! [Jeff gives her a sad face] Oh NO, you are NOT about to make me feel guilty!! [sips tea] Ahh, I'm calming down. Now Jeff, why do you feel like you're being wasted?
Jeff: [sniff sniff] I get put in stupid matches, I always lose, I don't even get to hook up with girls, and I WANT A TITLE SHOT!!!
Kylrane: What have you done to deserve a title shot recently, Jeff? You've run down to interfere in matches and half of the time you get your ass handed to you! Kane, for example, has a pretty good track record for his wins and wrestled for a REALLY long time. But when was the last time he got a title shot? He's not whining like you.
Kane: Actually, I whine in private, but since I'm the big red machine, I keep my emotions bottled up. [sees Kylrane's look] I wasn't supposed to mention that, was I? [shrugs] It's not like Hardy's gonna STOP complaining.
Jeff: [pouts] That's not nice.
Kylrane: But he's got a point.
Jeff: How come if I insult Spanky, you defend him, but if I get insulted, you make it worse??
Kylrane: Spanky's actually on my good side. You're not.
Spanky: Yeah! In your FACE!! [proceeds to get his ass whupped by Jeff]
Kane: [watching in amusement] Are you gonna stop them? That's your boy getting beat.
Kylrane: [eating popcorn and sipping her tea] I think this is funny, actually. [holds out the popcorn] Want some? [Kane takes some]
[Jeff has beat Spanky to the floor. He prepares to do a Swanton Bomb off of the desk, but Kylrane pushes him off.]
Kylrane: I've always wanted to do that!! [looks down] Sowwy, Jeffy.
[Spanky crawls over to the fallen Hardy and pulls him up. He gave Jeff a neckbreaker, and Kylrane began to worry. Kane, however, is cheering for more.]
Kane: Chokeslam!! Try a chokeslam!!
[Spanky attempts a chokeslam on Jeff, but Hardy kicks him in the stomach and pulls a Twist of Fate on Spanky.]
Jeff: Take that, you rookie. [turns to Kylrane] Look, maybe I have issues, but you should solve your own before trying to fix mine.
Kylrane: Go make out with your little whore.
Jeff: Fine!! I will!! And I'll ENJOY IT TOO!! [runs as a dart is thrown at him]
Kane: [hands her back the popcorn bag] I should get going too. I have to raise some hellfire and brimstone. Scare some people. Turn my head silently. Sign autographs. That sort of thing. You understand, right?
Kylrane: Yeah, I'm cool with you, Kane. Apparently, so is she. [opens closet door]
Death Scribe: [pops out] It's my fire kitty!! [glomps Kane]
Kane: [thumbs up] See? Freaks are COOL.
Kylrane: [thinks] Hold on...if I let you stay in the closet all this time, did you see Spanky when he was changing??
Death Scribe: [shakes head] Nope, I closed my eyes.
Kylrane: Oh. Ok, you're free to go.
[Death Scribe, still attatched to Kane, and the Big Red Machine leave. Spanky is still on the floor. Kylrane sighs and begins to try and wake him up.]
Ok, a really demented chapter has been written. But I tried to make it longer than usual!! Yeah, I was a little *ahem* tweaked that Jeff kissed Trish on Raw, but now I don't give a fuck. Spanky's on Smackdown!!! That makes me happy. My interpretation of Spanky was based on a quote that I got from some article that said something like "Spanky is how I would act like if I was drunk", and his website (I believe it's www.spankyandfriends.com). I took stuff from the poll (If I gave you five dollars would you let me kiss you on the lips?) and his "commentaries" (that's where Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go came in...). So Spanky here was a drunken idiot. But a CUTE drunken idiot.
Also, I hadn't done any author cameos in a while so I figured I'd let Death Scribe in on the fun since she wanted a session with Kane, although this wasn't a very good session. The fire kitty comment came from her own author bio. Uhm...what else? [Spanky groans in pain in the background] Oh yeah. Poor Spanky's not feeling good, so I need another assistant for the next chapter. I will send emails to the first five reviewers I get for this chapter who want to be my assistant (they can write a little note or something saying they do). The first to respond to an email gets to be my assistant!! So, if you want to get the chance to be my assistant, leave your email adress in your review. GET REVIEWING!!!! YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO!! I think I'll have a different assistant each chapter...so you'll get the chance to appear here eventually. C'mon, let's try and make at least 75 reviews by the tenth chapter! Spanky says he loves you...and can he have his five dollars now? :P