*

Bartlet Farm

"So, how have you been?" Toby asked nervously sipping his drink.

CJ chuckled. "Now who's making small-talk?"

Toby waved with his hand in the air and then put it on his forehead. "I'm sorry. I'm just... nervous I guess."

"Well, if there's any comfort, so am I."

"I do want to know, though," he said and she had to look away not to drown in his eyes. "How you've been, I mean. I've been thinking of you every day since I... you know, left."

She wanted to tell him the same but if she did she would start to expect things and she couldn't handle to be turned down. Not again, not by him.

"Work is great, not like the White House but I like it," she said instead after a while. "My co-workers are nice, L.A. is still the best city in the world."

Toby groaned. "Excuse me? You said wrong just now, right?"

CJ smirked. "I certainly did not. But New York is a close third."

Toby raised his eyebrows. "A close third?"

"Yeah, after D.C."

She smiled and got up to pour herself a drink.

"How, how can you be a close third?" Toby asked suddenly, his voice slightly annoyed.

CJ didn't say anything, just smirked at him and sat down in the chair again.

"So, do you have..." He shifted uncomfortably in the chair and looked away. "Do you have a boyfriend or something like that?" He mumbled.

She looked away briefly and when she looked at him again she had pasted on her best fake-smile which was wrong in so many ways, considering Toby knew all her smiles.

"No," she admitted. "They still come and go."

She could have bit her tongue after she had finished that sentence. She reached out her hand but pulled back before she touched him.

"Toby, I'm sorry. What you and I had... It was nothing like that."

"I know," he whispered without looking at her.

An awkward silence spread between them and CJ briefly thought of drinking up the entire bottle of scotch only an arm away from her.

"But you!" She said finally and smiled cheerfully. "You're the family-man now. How's Andi and the kids?"

Toby lit up and his eyes sparkled. "Sammy and Eliza, they are getting so big. It won't take long until I'll send them off to college. They're wonderful children."

"Well of course, with you as a father," CJ said, only half-joking.

"You would love them, CJ. Sammy actually still remembers you. He says he has this dreams about a very tall woman and may I add, nice."

"So, there aren't nightmares?" CJ said, obviously relieved.

"No," Toby said and grinned.

"I haven't seen them in years," CJ whispered. "Oh, and how's Andi?"

Toby shrugged, obviously uncomfortable by talking about her. "She's fine."

"Did you buy that house?" CJ forced herself to ask.

Toby shook his head. But then he shifted and smiled slightly.

"Actually, we did buy it. We lived there for a week before we realized what we really already knew. Andi and I don't match. We shouldn't be together. So, we sold the house and moved to separate apartments."

"Oh," CJ whispered because she couldn't think of something to say.

"Yeah."

"I didn't know that. I thought... I thought you got married again. I heard a rumor..."

"Never listen to rumors, CJ. I thought I taught you that."

CJ smiled slightly and looked at him. "You've taught me many things, Toby."

Toby smirked but his beard and the dark hid it. When he turned to look at CJ again his heart broke. She looked so sad, as if she was going to cry any minute now. And it was because of him. He looked away as his body was filled with guilt. Guilt he had managed to push away the years he spent without any contact with her in New York.

"Toby?"

Toby snapped back to reality and smiled a bit embarrassed. "I'm sorry, did you say something?"

CJ shook her head. "No, you just seemed so far away."

"I was thinking."

"About...?"

He wanted to tell her he had been thinking of her and that he had since he left D.C.

Instead he said, "Sam."

CJ did an almost silent noise as if she understood exactly what he meant. Toby studied her and tried to find out without asking if Sam had told her something after he went upstairs after Toby had beaten him in chess.

"I know what you mean," CJ said before he asked anything. "I'm worried about him, Toby. Something doesn't seem right."

So she didn't know. He leaned back in the chair, a bit disappointed. It would have been nice to talk about this with someone. He hadn't let Sam know earlier but he was worried. Sam didn't seem happy and he was pretty sure he hadn't been in years, if ever.

"Like what?" Toby finally managed to ask.

"At dinner, before you arrived, he seemed very uncomfortable when Mallory was brought up."

"She's his former boss's daughter. What do you expect?" Toby said trying to cover for his friend.

A frown appeared between CJ's eyebrows and she rubbed her forehead. "No, it was something else. And doesn't the fact that a hottie like Sam hasn't had a girlfriend since... ever?"

"First of all, let me try to get out of my head that you just called Sam a hottie." CJ smirked. "Second, that doesn't mean anything. He has had girlfriends, CJ, but with his job..."

CJ waved with her hand. "I'm sure you're right. It's just, my friend Pierre..."

"The French gay?" Toby interrupted.

"Toby! That's so typical you! You and your prejudices!"

"Excuse me? What's the prejudice? Isn't he from France?"

"Yeah," CJ admitted.

"And isn't he gay?"

CJ groaned and briefly looked away. "Yes."

"So?"

"So, what?" CJ raised her voice.

"You should apologize."

CJ glared at him. "I am not, I repeat, am not apologizing."

Toby shrugged but then smiled and so did CJ. They locked eyes for a few seconds. Toby was the first to look away.

"So, your friend Pierre?"

CJ snapped her fingers. "Yeah, Pierre! Anyway, we had lunch with Sam when he was in California like a year ago and he got the gay-vibes."

Toby was happy the room was dark because he was sure he'd gone pale.

"CJ!" He said, doing his best to sound shocked on Sam's behalf.

"What? I'm just saying... So, that was what Pierre said and then I began thinking about it and. It isn't like the press hasn't written about it."

"Only in magazines no one cares about."

CJ shrugged. "Still, though. Toby, don't tell Sam about this. You know how he gets."

"I won't CJ, but if he found out he'd just laugh because it's so not true."

"Yeah, whatever. For all I care he can be gay, straight, bisexual. He's still the same to me."

Toby smiled slightly and sipped his drink. "He is."

CJ looked at the fireplace. She realized they must have been there a while since it had stoped burning. She looked out the window and noticed the beautiful full moon. She had always been fascinated by the sky. To her, it was the most beautiful thing on earth. So beautiful it could make her cry.

"CJ?"

She looked away from the window and at him, first now realizing a tear was slowly rolling down her cheek. Embarrassed she wiped it away. She was extra sensitive tonight. No wonder she had begun crying. She sighed and closed her eyes briefly. She realized she couldn't push the conversation she had had in her head the last three and a half years away anymore.

"You just left," she whispered.

Toby looked a bit surprised that she chose to bring it up now. He didn't know what to do or say. His mind was full of words, full of apologies, full of explanations but out of his mouth came nothing.

"I had to hear it from Ginger," CJ continued when Toby didn't say anything.

She sounded bitter and Toby couldn't blame her.

"I was going to your office to tell you about the reporter but you weren't there. I sat down on your couch thinking it was weird your coat and briefcase weren't there yet considering it was eight in the morning. Then Ginger entered and she tells me... She looks at me with her big innocent eyes and asks if I don't know. Know what, I asks and she says; 'Toby is gone. He left last night without a word to anyone.' She must have been scared that I'd have a breakdown because she left and closed the door." She paused briefly swallowing the lump in her throat but the tears came anyway. "I thought it was a joke, I was sure it was. But then Josh comes in and looks at me with that look and I know. I know you're gone and that you won't come back."

Toby reached out his hand but didn't touch her because he knew she would pull away.

"CJ," he whispered softly.

She held up her hand and closed her eyes. "No, just let me... I'm not done yet. I called home to check my messages. There was one, from my father telling me how he caught this huge fish. I think I called home that day and checked my messages every tenth minute." She looked at him with upset eyes. "Toby, you made me call home and check my messages ten times a day for weeks!"

She rose, didn't want him to see how much it still hurt her. She put a hand over her eyes and took a deep breath. Then she looked down at him.

"One call. One fucking call, Toby. Just something, damn it! Hell, a note would have made me happy! I didn't even know if you were alive, for crying out loud! I had Sam call Andi because I was too afraid you'd answer if I called her house!"

Toby reached out his hand and this time he touched CJ's but as he'd suspected she flinched and pulled away. He knew he had hurt her, he just never realized how much.

"CJ, listen to me..." He pleaded.

"No." She shook her head and crossed her arms over her chest. "I'm going back to my room now. I need to be alone."

"CJ..."

"Toby, would you please respect that?"

Without waiting for him to answer she ran out of the room. When she ran up the stairs he could hear her sob.

He wasn't the only one. Leo had been sitting in the kitchen an hour. He hadn't heard anything of their conversation. He had hoped they had begun to find the way back to each other. As friends, as lovers, he didn't care what, just something that would remind them of what they once had. When he saw CJ run up the stairs his heart ached and he also felt guilty and embarrassed. If it hadn't been for him this situation wouldn't have existed.

TBC.