Thousands of years ago, in the time before the word 'time' was invented,
before the first hungry T-Rex ever chomped his way through his midnight
Triceratops snack, before the magnificent moment in evolution when the
caveman came running in carrying a pile of sticks and shouted, "Ooga Booga
Flooga Doog!", which roughly translates as, "Yo, guess what, dudes? No more
food poisoning, I've found a way to cook the meat this time!", before the
brutal Cheese Wars of the prehistoric times, when the Italians practically
crippled the opponent army with their lethal weapon of Parmesan cheese
(fatal to all with a fully-functioning nasal passage), before all the
significant inventions throughout the time of humanity: the wheel, the
telescope and the Good Charlotte CD, and before the destruction of humanity
in 2256 AD by a race of super-evil Britney Spears clones intent on blowing
up the world with a gigantic bomb made of silicon breast implants, with
guns attached to their nipples like the Fembots from Austin Powers, blowing
the entire human race to smithereens before stopping to casually flick
their hair and say, with a sly cackle, "Oops, I did it again." Wait, that
hasn't happened yet, has it? Woops, if someone asks, I never told you. It
wasn't me, honestly. Noooo, the Llamas made me do it!!!!!!! (Is dragged
away, kicking and screaming into a rubber room and placed in a
straitjacket)
Er-hmmm. (Clears throat) Righty-ho. Now, as I was saying, before all that stuff happened, the world was ruled by a race of technologically advanced ants. These ants lived in a peaceful society of love, harmony, bell-bottoms and everything else hippie-ish. These super-intelligent ants had everything they could ever want- computers, a highly advanced written language, scientific knowledge and skills beyond comprehension for the inferior human mind, and most importantly, Marmite. But as a gentle, pacifist species, they knew nothing of weapons, battle tactics, dull-looking army uniforms, and crew-cuts, and on one windy Saturday morning down by the beach, the lives of these joyous ants was to change forever.
A group of happy young ants were crawling around in the sunshine, enjoying the warmth of the sand on their thoraxes as they smoked copious quantities of parsley, when one of the ants, a female called Antelissa spotted an unusual-looking ship coming onto the shore. At first she blinked, and pondered if she were tripping on the parsley, until she realised it was getting closer and closer. But the others, basking in their own frivolity, had not noticed a thing. "Um..guys? I'm just gonna go check something out, I'll be back soon, okay?" And off she tottered to approach the alien vessel.
As she grew closer, she began to feel nervous. She slowed to a stop, about ten metres from the ship, and called out tentatively.
"Er, hello?" She paused. "Um, my name is Antelissa, I- I'm not going to hurt you, you can come out."
Nothing. There was no response, not a sound or a movement. Were it not for the wind whistling ferociously as it raced frantically onto the shore from the ocean, Antelissa would have thought time had stopped. Then, slowly, an achingly deliberate movement as the cabin door of the ship crept open. And a figure stepped slowly out.
Who is the mysterious figure in the ship? Is it a god? A kind stranger bearing gifts of cheese and pet Llamas? Or a sick, deranged paedophile from the planet Ultron? Find out in the next exciting installment of..."Oh, my giddy ant!!!"
Er-hmmm. (Clears throat) Righty-ho. Now, as I was saying, before all that stuff happened, the world was ruled by a race of technologically advanced ants. These ants lived in a peaceful society of love, harmony, bell-bottoms and everything else hippie-ish. These super-intelligent ants had everything they could ever want- computers, a highly advanced written language, scientific knowledge and skills beyond comprehension for the inferior human mind, and most importantly, Marmite. But as a gentle, pacifist species, they knew nothing of weapons, battle tactics, dull-looking army uniforms, and crew-cuts, and on one windy Saturday morning down by the beach, the lives of these joyous ants was to change forever.
A group of happy young ants were crawling around in the sunshine, enjoying the warmth of the sand on their thoraxes as they smoked copious quantities of parsley, when one of the ants, a female called Antelissa spotted an unusual-looking ship coming onto the shore. At first she blinked, and pondered if she were tripping on the parsley, until she realised it was getting closer and closer. But the others, basking in their own frivolity, had not noticed a thing. "Um..guys? I'm just gonna go check something out, I'll be back soon, okay?" And off she tottered to approach the alien vessel.
As she grew closer, she began to feel nervous. She slowed to a stop, about ten metres from the ship, and called out tentatively.
"Er, hello?" She paused. "Um, my name is Antelissa, I- I'm not going to hurt you, you can come out."
Nothing. There was no response, not a sound or a movement. Were it not for the wind whistling ferociously as it raced frantically onto the shore from the ocean, Antelissa would have thought time had stopped. Then, slowly, an achingly deliberate movement as the cabin door of the ship crept open. And a figure stepped slowly out.
Who is the mysterious figure in the ship? Is it a god? A kind stranger bearing gifts of cheese and pet Llamas? Or a sick, deranged paedophile from the planet Ultron? Find out in the next exciting installment of..."Oh, my giddy ant!!!"