Flyan didn't sleep at all that night. He had just heard all of his oldest
and best friends discussing how they were planning to kill his girlfriend
and her friends and family. Never mind feeling sick to the pit of his
stomach. Flyan felt sick down to the tips of his toenails. (Hmm. Something
doesn't sound right there. Let's just pretend he has toenails, shall we?)
Of course Flyrone's snoring hadn't helped much.
After several painstaking hours, Flyan climbed stiffly to his feet. He crept quietly past his companions, barely resisting the temptation to shove something, preferably a sock, into Flyrone's mouth. He found a stream nearby, and knelt beside it and looked at his reflection. He peered into the water carefully and checked to see there was no white powder in it. When he was sure it was definitely still safe, he splashed cold water on his tired-looking face. Suddenly, he felt a presence behind him and he jumped, startled.
"Hi!" Antelissa greeted him chirpily. "Did you sleep well?"
Flyan sighed. "I've had better. Much, much better. You?"
"Oh, I slept great!" she replied enthusiastically. Then she saw the look on his face. "Flyan? Honey, what's wrong?"
Flyan looked straight into her eyes. "Antelissa, you have to listen to me really, really carefully." He took a deep breath. "You are in grave danger, you and all of the other ants."
"Why?" She frowned. "What's happened?"
"All of the flies, all of..my friends. They have Ant-thrax. They want to kill all of you, they're going to contaminate the water supply. Oh my god, this is awful, this is really awful, this is awful, this is.." Flyan was breathing erratically, completely panicking.
"Sssh, sssh. Calm down," Antelissa replied. "Have they done anything yet?"
"No, not yet, but-"
"Then we still have time. I have to go tell my people, we have to do something and-"
"No! NO! You can't tell them!" Flyan burst out. "If it all gets out that I told, that I betrayed my friends, they'll hate me and-"
"What?!" Antelissa snapped back. "So you'll let all of us ants die, just to keep in your 'friends' good books? I see, now it all becomes clear. Some 'friends' you have, Flyan." She turned and began to storm off.
"No, wait, that's not what I meant, please, let me explain.."
"Oh, I don't need an explanation," Antelissa hissed. "I think I understand all too well. Save your breath, Flyan." She stomped away, leaving Flyan to huddle on the ground, his head in his hands.
Antelissa ran so fast she felt like she were flying. She almost caught herself wishing she were a fly, so she could have got there faster, but as soon as she realised she was having this thought, she banished it immediately from her mind. After her experiences with flies, there was no way she wanted to be one of those foul creatures. When she reached her home, she ran inside to find her parents, Lindant and Dantiel. "Mum! Dad! Are you home?"
"Right here, 'lissa!" her Mum called from the living room. Antelissa skidded through the doorway and saw both of her parents seated on the sofa.
"Where have you been, young lady?" her father asked accusingly.
"Oh, nowhere," Antelissa answered hurriedly, "but never mind about that. We have a major crisis. If we don't hurry, we will all be killed by Ant-thrax contaminated water!"
Her parents stared silently. They both began to shake, in unison. "Ant- thrax?"
"Yes," Antelissa affirmed. "Ant-thrax."
Lindant bit her lip, or her ant equivalent of a lip. "Everyone in the Ant- mobile. We're going to find the mayor."
A couple of hours later, Flyan was sitting on the deck of the Fly Ship, moping and wallowing in self-pity. And glaring at the still-sleeping Flyrone, contemplating whether smashing a brick over his head would most likely help or hinder the snoring situation. Suddenly, Flysa came racing in, panting and gasping for air. She had originally gone out, having volunteered to be the one to release the Ant-thrax. "Everyone!" she gasped. "We have a problem!"
Flyan looked up, more worried than ever. He took a breath, made sure to keep his voice as even as possible. "What?"
"It's the ants! They seem to have discovered our plan! And they've gone into hiding! They've built a fortress!"
"A fortress? How?"
"Well, they're ants, aren't they? They've all gone underground, they seem to have built this great big complex under there, so they don't have to go back above ground."
Flybert, who had been listening quietly, now spoke up. "But how will this help? They'll still need water, won't they?"
"Yes," replied Flysa, "but they've already got a whole huge emergency supply stored in the fortress. They won't need fresh water for ages."
"So what are we going to do?"
"Ah, well," said Flysa. "I think I have a plan. We just need to.."
Oh! *Suddenly puts down pen and reels back * Starts to feel weird sensation, like I'm about to be zapped into something. Uh-oh. I think we all know what this means. *Turns to imaginary characters inside head * Um, sorry guys, but I'm gonna have to go for a little while. You guys just stay put, have a drink or something. *Suddenly disappears as is zapped into the 3rd chapter of Cheeze Monkey's story, 'What the'. *
"Oh, dammit," Flysa moaned, "the author's disappeared. Just when I was starting to explain my plan."
"I guess we'll have to find something to do till she gets back," Flybert commented. "Hmm. Anyone for Scrabble?"
Flyrone suddenly snapped awake. "Did someone say Scrabble?!"
"Oh god," Flyan moaned. "Na, if he's playing, count me out."
"Me too." Flysa agreed.
"Yeah," chorused the remaining flies, other than Flyrone and Flybert.
"Oh great, Flyrone," said Flybert sarcastically. "There's not much point in playing then. Scrap that idea."
The flies sat still, in silence for several minutes with nothing to do, as without an author there was noone to give them anything to do. Finally, it was Flyan who broke the silence. "She told us to have a drink. Maybe I'll make some tea."
"Ooh!" exclaimed Flyrone, "I would love a spot of tea! That would be jolly good, with lashings of ginger beer!" (that sounded sooo Famous Five!)
"Never mind tea," Flysa pointed out, "I think Flyrone needs a Lemsip or something, to get rid of that awful cold that's making you snore so much."
Flyrone looked surprised. "What cold?"
"Oh." Flysa exchanged looks with the other flies.
"Guys?" Flyrone looked around at each of the others. "What do you mean about a cold?" Noone answered him. "Guys?"
Zap! Right, sorry about that, I'm back now. Hope you weren't too bored without me. I just had to go do some stuff, you know, the usual: dancing around hyperactively while listening to Good Charlotte, salivating over Heath Ledger, same old, same old, but the good news is we've been rewarded 10,000 reviews, so hopefully now we will be given more funding so the flies can have real wings, as opposed to those mouldy pieces of cabbage held together by chewing gum that you've been using. (A chorus of 'Hoorah' from the fly ship)
A vague sound from the direction of the ant fortress.. "Er..hello? Where am I? Why have I been zapped here? Where's Smeagol, and why aren't there any random anime characters anywhere around? And most importantly, why am I still a hamster?"
A fainter, more ant-like sound.. "Oy, watch it, big foot! We built this fortress to avoid getting killed, not to get stepped on by some big heffalump!"
"Yo, you! Yeah, Ham-zilla up there! Your fat ass is blocking the entrance to the tunnel!"
Oh, no. Yami Cheese Monkey. She must have accidentally got zapped back here with me. And she's gonna accidentally step on one of the ants soon. *Turns to Flysa * Sorry, dude, I'll be back later, okay? *Quickly goes to rescue Yami CM *
Flysa put her hands on her non-existent hips. "Fine then," she called out to the crazy girl scribbling on her refill pad. "Just because Yami CM is more important than my plan!"
"Finally!" exclaimed Antrea upon my arrival. "Can you PLEASE get this big furry dude out if the way?!"
Sorry. She hasn't trodden on anyone yet, has she?
Antrea waved a leg dismissively. "Yeah, but he was just an extra."
Phew. Okay, is anyone here not particularly involved in building this fortress?
"Yeah," replied Antrea. "Anton doesn't know anything about it. He's too busy doing your history assignment you blackmailed him into doing."
Hey, I didn't blackmail him!
"I believe your exact words were, 'If you don't do it, I'll zap Miss Stockton into the story to kill everyone with that evil looks she gives people when they turn up ten seconds late to her class'." (a/n: that could make a good ending!)
Okay, okay. ANTON!
Anton rushed out. "Yes, your majesty Author?"
Take this hamster into the forest, out of danger till we can figure out how to zap her back to where she came from.
"No problemo! Come along, Yami C.M..no, no, this way..oops, careful.." (cringes) .. "I think you just squashed Antrew..aaaah! Watch it! You just killed a group of schoolchildren..there we go."
Yami Cheese Monkey and Anton walked silently through the forest. As they got further into the forest, Anton could see a group of ants up ahead..
"..You are unkind, Demetrius, be not so. For you love Hermia. This you know I know. And here, with all good will, with all my heart, in Hermia's love I yield you up my part, and yours of Helena to me bequeath, whom I do love, and will do to my death."
Another ant turned angrily to the first ant. "Never did mockers waste more idle breath."
A third ant began to yell at the first. "Lysander, keep thy Hermia! I will..aaah!"
CRUNCH! "What was that, Anton?"
"Oh, nothing much, Yami. I think you just squashed all the main characters of A Midsummer Night's Dream."
"Oh, okay then. Do you have any chocolate?"
"Yeah, sure," Anton replied. "It's right here in my-"
"Hey, you!" came a voice behind them.
Anton spun around quickly. Yami C.M also spun around quickly, causing a small earthquake that knocked both Anton, and the owner of the voice behind them, from their feet. "Goddammit, Yami," whined Anton. "Never do that again."
"Hey, you!" repeated Flysa to Anton.
"Oh, no, not you," grumbled Anton. "Whaddaya want?"
"I got sick of waiting around till I could finish explaining my plan, so I figured if I came here she'd have no choice but to listen to me, seeing as this is where the action is."
Not necessarily, you smart-ass fly. I could just get Y.C.M to step on you.
"Yeah, yeah, shut up. Anyway, I know all you ants found out about the Ant- thrax thing, and that's why you're building this fortress.."
"Ant-thrax? Fortress?"
"..so I just thought I'd be the first to proudly announce that we know where the secret entrances are to the fortress' tunnels, and we have a bomb we are going to drop down there. So none of you will be safe."
"A bomb?" enquired Anton. "Like that one made out of silicon breast implants mentioned in chapter 1?"
"No, ssh, you idiot!" hissed Flysa. "That doesn't happen until 2256 AD, we're not supposed to mention that!"
"Oh, sorry." Anton apologised. "Damn Llamas."
"Anyway," continued Flysa, "I just thought I'd tell you, you are all going to die! Mwahahaha!" *runs away cackling *
"Urrgh!" Anton stomped in anguish. "I hate those flies! Something has to be done about this!"
Now ants, despite their lack of size, are actually incredibly strong. Whether this means that one ant on his own is capable of lifting and carrying a hamster is debatable, however for the purpose of this story, it would be awfully convenient if he could, so now, using my magical powers as an omnipotent author, I will now proceed to bend the laws of physics and logic and allow Anton to kidnap Yami C.M, and carry her back to the ant city, where she will be tied up and taken as a hostage underground in the fortress. I will then pull a rabbit out of my metaphorical hat. Oh, and was the card you chose the seven of clubs? Thank you, thank you. *Takes a bow * Please place your donations in the box which will then magically disappear when I run off with it to go buy the Our Lady Peace CD. I want that CD! Give it to me! Er-hmm. Sorry about that outburst. Shall we get back to the story?
A couple of hours later, the flies arrived at the entrance to the fortress. Flyrone and Flyan hung back from the others, Flyan out of apprehension and reluctance, and Flyrone because he had once again fallen asleep and commenced to snore. Anton triumphantly stepped out above ground to greet the flies.
"Come to drop your bomb, have you folks? Well go ahead." He grinned. "Although you could have a great big army of every single anime character mentioned so far in 'What the' against you. Not to mention Smeagol. She can be pretty vicious all on her own." He winked, and explained, "We have Yami Cheese Monkey tied up under there. And if you kill her, every single anime character ever invented will make war on you."
Flybert gasped. "Even the hamsters from Hamtaro?"
"Even the hamsters."
All the flies gasped. There was an eerie silence for what seemed like years. Well, almost silent. Honnnk-ssshhuu. Honnnk-ssshhuu. Honnnkk- ssshhuu.
All of the insects, flies and ants alike, turned to Flyrone. "SHUT THE HELL UP!" Flyrone jerked awake and looked around, puzzled.
Suddenly Stephant came running out and tapped Anton on the shoulder. "Excuse me, but-"
"Not now, Stephant, can't you see I'm busy?"
"No, no, it's important!" Stephant hissed softly into Anton's ear. "It's Yami Cheese Monkey. She's gone. She must have found a way to zap herself back to her own fanfiction story. We're defenseless."
Anton turned to look at Stephant. His jaw dropped open. "Oh. Bugger."
To be continued..
After several painstaking hours, Flyan climbed stiffly to his feet. He crept quietly past his companions, barely resisting the temptation to shove something, preferably a sock, into Flyrone's mouth. He found a stream nearby, and knelt beside it and looked at his reflection. He peered into the water carefully and checked to see there was no white powder in it. When he was sure it was definitely still safe, he splashed cold water on his tired-looking face. Suddenly, he felt a presence behind him and he jumped, startled.
"Hi!" Antelissa greeted him chirpily. "Did you sleep well?"
Flyan sighed. "I've had better. Much, much better. You?"
"Oh, I slept great!" she replied enthusiastically. Then she saw the look on his face. "Flyan? Honey, what's wrong?"
Flyan looked straight into her eyes. "Antelissa, you have to listen to me really, really carefully." He took a deep breath. "You are in grave danger, you and all of the other ants."
"Why?" She frowned. "What's happened?"
"All of the flies, all of..my friends. They have Ant-thrax. They want to kill all of you, they're going to contaminate the water supply. Oh my god, this is awful, this is really awful, this is awful, this is.." Flyan was breathing erratically, completely panicking.
"Sssh, sssh. Calm down," Antelissa replied. "Have they done anything yet?"
"No, not yet, but-"
"Then we still have time. I have to go tell my people, we have to do something and-"
"No! NO! You can't tell them!" Flyan burst out. "If it all gets out that I told, that I betrayed my friends, they'll hate me and-"
"What?!" Antelissa snapped back. "So you'll let all of us ants die, just to keep in your 'friends' good books? I see, now it all becomes clear. Some 'friends' you have, Flyan." She turned and began to storm off.
"No, wait, that's not what I meant, please, let me explain.."
"Oh, I don't need an explanation," Antelissa hissed. "I think I understand all too well. Save your breath, Flyan." She stomped away, leaving Flyan to huddle on the ground, his head in his hands.
Antelissa ran so fast she felt like she were flying. She almost caught herself wishing she were a fly, so she could have got there faster, but as soon as she realised she was having this thought, she banished it immediately from her mind. After her experiences with flies, there was no way she wanted to be one of those foul creatures. When she reached her home, she ran inside to find her parents, Lindant and Dantiel. "Mum! Dad! Are you home?"
"Right here, 'lissa!" her Mum called from the living room. Antelissa skidded through the doorway and saw both of her parents seated on the sofa.
"Where have you been, young lady?" her father asked accusingly.
"Oh, nowhere," Antelissa answered hurriedly, "but never mind about that. We have a major crisis. If we don't hurry, we will all be killed by Ant-thrax contaminated water!"
Her parents stared silently. They both began to shake, in unison. "Ant- thrax?"
"Yes," Antelissa affirmed. "Ant-thrax."
Lindant bit her lip, or her ant equivalent of a lip. "Everyone in the Ant- mobile. We're going to find the mayor."
A couple of hours later, Flyan was sitting on the deck of the Fly Ship, moping and wallowing in self-pity. And glaring at the still-sleeping Flyrone, contemplating whether smashing a brick over his head would most likely help or hinder the snoring situation. Suddenly, Flysa came racing in, panting and gasping for air. She had originally gone out, having volunteered to be the one to release the Ant-thrax. "Everyone!" she gasped. "We have a problem!"
Flyan looked up, more worried than ever. He took a breath, made sure to keep his voice as even as possible. "What?"
"It's the ants! They seem to have discovered our plan! And they've gone into hiding! They've built a fortress!"
"A fortress? How?"
"Well, they're ants, aren't they? They've all gone underground, they seem to have built this great big complex under there, so they don't have to go back above ground."
Flybert, who had been listening quietly, now spoke up. "But how will this help? They'll still need water, won't they?"
"Yes," replied Flysa, "but they've already got a whole huge emergency supply stored in the fortress. They won't need fresh water for ages."
"So what are we going to do?"
"Ah, well," said Flysa. "I think I have a plan. We just need to.."
Oh! *Suddenly puts down pen and reels back * Starts to feel weird sensation, like I'm about to be zapped into something. Uh-oh. I think we all know what this means. *Turns to imaginary characters inside head * Um, sorry guys, but I'm gonna have to go for a little while. You guys just stay put, have a drink or something. *Suddenly disappears as is zapped into the 3rd chapter of Cheeze Monkey's story, 'What the'. *
"Oh, dammit," Flysa moaned, "the author's disappeared. Just when I was starting to explain my plan."
"I guess we'll have to find something to do till she gets back," Flybert commented. "Hmm. Anyone for Scrabble?"
Flyrone suddenly snapped awake. "Did someone say Scrabble?!"
"Oh god," Flyan moaned. "Na, if he's playing, count me out."
"Me too." Flysa agreed.
"Yeah," chorused the remaining flies, other than Flyrone and Flybert.
"Oh great, Flyrone," said Flybert sarcastically. "There's not much point in playing then. Scrap that idea."
The flies sat still, in silence for several minutes with nothing to do, as without an author there was noone to give them anything to do. Finally, it was Flyan who broke the silence. "She told us to have a drink. Maybe I'll make some tea."
"Ooh!" exclaimed Flyrone, "I would love a spot of tea! That would be jolly good, with lashings of ginger beer!" (that sounded sooo Famous Five!)
"Never mind tea," Flysa pointed out, "I think Flyrone needs a Lemsip or something, to get rid of that awful cold that's making you snore so much."
Flyrone looked surprised. "What cold?"
"Oh." Flysa exchanged looks with the other flies.
"Guys?" Flyrone looked around at each of the others. "What do you mean about a cold?" Noone answered him. "Guys?"
Zap! Right, sorry about that, I'm back now. Hope you weren't too bored without me. I just had to go do some stuff, you know, the usual: dancing around hyperactively while listening to Good Charlotte, salivating over Heath Ledger, same old, same old, but the good news is we've been rewarded 10,000 reviews, so hopefully now we will be given more funding so the flies can have real wings, as opposed to those mouldy pieces of cabbage held together by chewing gum that you've been using. (A chorus of 'Hoorah' from the fly ship)
A vague sound from the direction of the ant fortress.. "Er..hello? Where am I? Why have I been zapped here? Where's Smeagol, and why aren't there any random anime characters anywhere around? And most importantly, why am I still a hamster?"
A fainter, more ant-like sound.. "Oy, watch it, big foot! We built this fortress to avoid getting killed, not to get stepped on by some big heffalump!"
"Yo, you! Yeah, Ham-zilla up there! Your fat ass is blocking the entrance to the tunnel!"
Oh, no. Yami Cheese Monkey. She must have accidentally got zapped back here with me. And she's gonna accidentally step on one of the ants soon. *Turns to Flysa * Sorry, dude, I'll be back later, okay? *Quickly goes to rescue Yami CM *
Flysa put her hands on her non-existent hips. "Fine then," she called out to the crazy girl scribbling on her refill pad. "Just because Yami CM is more important than my plan!"
"Finally!" exclaimed Antrea upon my arrival. "Can you PLEASE get this big furry dude out if the way?!"
Sorry. She hasn't trodden on anyone yet, has she?
Antrea waved a leg dismissively. "Yeah, but he was just an extra."
Phew. Okay, is anyone here not particularly involved in building this fortress?
"Yeah," replied Antrea. "Anton doesn't know anything about it. He's too busy doing your history assignment you blackmailed him into doing."
Hey, I didn't blackmail him!
"I believe your exact words were, 'If you don't do it, I'll zap Miss Stockton into the story to kill everyone with that evil looks she gives people when they turn up ten seconds late to her class'." (a/n: that could make a good ending!)
Okay, okay. ANTON!
Anton rushed out. "Yes, your majesty Author?"
Take this hamster into the forest, out of danger till we can figure out how to zap her back to where she came from.
"No problemo! Come along, Yami C.M..no, no, this way..oops, careful.." (cringes) .. "I think you just squashed Antrew..aaaah! Watch it! You just killed a group of schoolchildren..there we go."
Yami Cheese Monkey and Anton walked silently through the forest. As they got further into the forest, Anton could see a group of ants up ahead..
"..You are unkind, Demetrius, be not so. For you love Hermia. This you know I know. And here, with all good will, with all my heart, in Hermia's love I yield you up my part, and yours of Helena to me bequeath, whom I do love, and will do to my death."
Another ant turned angrily to the first ant. "Never did mockers waste more idle breath."
A third ant began to yell at the first. "Lysander, keep thy Hermia! I will..aaah!"
CRUNCH! "What was that, Anton?"
"Oh, nothing much, Yami. I think you just squashed all the main characters of A Midsummer Night's Dream."
"Oh, okay then. Do you have any chocolate?"
"Yeah, sure," Anton replied. "It's right here in my-"
"Hey, you!" came a voice behind them.
Anton spun around quickly. Yami C.M also spun around quickly, causing a small earthquake that knocked both Anton, and the owner of the voice behind them, from their feet. "Goddammit, Yami," whined Anton. "Never do that again."
"Hey, you!" repeated Flysa to Anton.
"Oh, no, not you," grumbled Anton. "Whaddaya want?"
"I got sick of waiting around till I could finish explaining my plan, so I figured if I came here she'd have no choice but to listen to me, seeing as this is where the action is."
Not necessarily, you smart-ass fly. I could just get Y.C.M to step on you.
"Yeah, yeah, shut up. Anyway, I know all you ants found out about the Ant- thrax thing, and that's why you're building this fortress.."
"Ant-thrax? Fortress?"
"..so I just thought I'd be the first to proudly announce that we know where the secret entrances are to the fortress' tunnels, and we have a bomb we are going to drop down there. So none of you will be safe."
"A bomb?" enquired Anton. "Like that one made out of silicon breast implants mentioned in chapter 1?"
"No, ssh, you idiot!" hissed Flysa. "That doesn't happen until 2256 AD, we're not supposed to mention that!"
"Oh, sorry." Anton apologised. "Damn Llamas."
"Anyway," continued Flysa, "I just thought I'd tell you, you are all going to die! Mwahahaha!" *runs away cackling *
"Urrgh!" Anton stomped in anguish. "I hate those flies! Something has to be done about this!"
Now ants, despite their lack of size, are actually incredibly strong. Whether this means that one ant on his own is capable of lifting and carrying a hamster is debatable, however for the purpose of this story, it would be awfully convenient if he could, so now, using my magical powers as an omnipotent author, I will now proceed to bend the laws of physics and logic and allow Anton to kidnap Yami C.M, and carry her back to the ant city, where she will be tied up and taken as a hostage underground in the fortress. I will then pull a rabbit out of my metaphorical hat. Oh, and was the card you chose the seven of clubs? Thank you, thank you. *Takes a bow * Please place your donations in the box which will then magically disappear when I run off with it to go buy the Our Lady Peace CD. I want that CD! Give it to me! Er-hmm. Sorry about that outburst. Shall we get back to the story?
A couple of hours later, the flies arrived at the entrance to the fortress. Flyrone and Flyan hung back from the others, Flyan out of apprehension and reluctance, and Flyrone because he had once again fallen asleep and commenced to snore. Anton triumphantly stepped out above ground to greet the flies.
"Come to drop your bomb, have you folks? Well go ahead." He grinned. "Although you could have a great big army of every single anime character mentioned so far in 'What the' against you. Not to mention Smeagol. She can be pretty vicious all on her own." He winked, and explained, "We have Yami Cheese Monkey tied up under there. And if you kill her, every single anime character ever invented will make war on you."
Flybert gasped. "Even the hamsters from Hamtaro?"
"Even the hamsters."
All the flies gasped. There was an eerie silence for what seemed like years. Well, almost silent. Honnnk-ssshhuu. Honnnk-ssshhuu. Honnnkk- ssshhuu.
All of the insects, flies and ants alike, turned to Flyrone. "SHUT THE HELL UP!" Flyrone jerked awake and looked around, puzzled.
Suddenly Stephant came running out and tapped Anton on the shoulder. "Excuse me, but-"
"Not now, Stephant, can't you see I'm busy?"
"No, no, it's important!" Stephant hissed softly into Anton's ear. "It's Yami Cheese Monkey. She's gone. She must have found a way to zap herself back to her own fanfiction story. We're defenseless."
Anton turned to look at Stephant. His jaw dropped open. "Oh. Bugger."
To be continued..