AUTHOR'S NOTES –

I've decided that this is going to be a trilogy [or at least a duology]. The tentative title for the entire trilogy is "Passion", a very versatile word, I've learnt….;) :D

The first part is about purging the emotions. ["Catharsis"]. The second is about growth ["Evolution"]. The third is about new life ["Renaissance"].

Each part should have four individual chapters/parts....this is the first chapter of the second part.

DISCLAIMER - I don't own them!
TIMEPERIOD - Set during "Rendezvous" [as in, just before we go to Taipei and Vaughn gets trapped...and hello, Angstville...]

DISTRIBUTION – Cover Me

SUMMARY – Sydney and Vaughn, and a heck of a lot of angst. This is not a happy fic right now, okay? But it will end up…um, happier.

Evolution

Growth

Last time neither of you spoke before you left.

He kisses you gently as you leave this time, and holds you in his arms for a few moments before you go.

He's gentle, kind, caring.

He's said what needs to be said.

* * *

One day he walks in and is all business with you. [Yes. These are counterfeit. Do you have any questions about the mission?]

You don't understand it. [No, I do not. Vaughn... what's going on?]

He leaves quickly once he's given you your countermission. [I should go. Good luck.]

You sit there for a little while, wondering where Vaughn [friendloverconfidanteally] has gone, and why he's been replaced with Agent Vaughn [professionalcoldstrictsternserious].

You get up and leave eventually, confused and concerned, but figuring out that you'll snoop around and find out eventually what's up with Vaughn.

You walk out of the warehouse only to see Vaughn sitting on the bonnet of your car, an unreadable expression on his face.

You sit down beside him and wait for him to speak.

"Syd…"

"Vaughn, what's up?"

You watch him struggle to form the thoughts inside his head into coherent sentences.

"For a long time…people have been telling me I'm too attached to you. Too emotionally involved. In Denpasar…when I saw you fighting Sark…I knew they were right."

You frown at him, not entirely sure what he's saying. You have a…interesting relationship, to say the least. There's one part of it that's professional…one part that's definitely not. You used him to purge your pain and your lies and the guilt you feel from the blood on your hands, and he used you to get rid of the anger and hurt he feels still over his father's death.

This relationship is twisted, to put it bluntly.

"Vaughn, I don't understand what you're saying."

That brings a chuckle from him. "Neither do I."

You watch him, still struggling to put his feelings into words.

"I didn't ask for this. I didn't want this. I had a perfectly normal life. A girlfriend who, if she was not "the One", was the closest I'd ever seen. I had friends who didn't think I was nuts, or under alien influence, or something like that. I had a normal life. I went to work, I did some paperwork, shuffled some files around, then came home. It was an ordinary job. Nothing too out of the ordinary, except that maybe some of the files would be classified. Then one day I'm told that Devlin has a walk in."

[Tell him he has a walk in.]

"I go into the room, with a cup of coffee, and a sandwich, expecting some nut, some loony, like the countless thousands of previous walk-ins Eric and I have been assigned to deal with. Instead, I see this woman."

You wait as he pushes the words out. This isn't easy for him, you can tell.

"This woman with bozo red hair." He sighs.

You stifle a giggle here. You know you shouldn't be laughing at this. But the hair was pretty red, you admit to yourself.

"She's sitting there, writing furiously. She's like no one I've ever met before. I'm both fascinated and a little scared by her. She's experienced so much pain, so much death and grief, and is still hard as nails. She's beautiful, even with the tears and the hair, and she's tough and she's.....she captivates me. Do you know what it's like to want someone more than life itself? To spend every waking moment wishing that you were with them?

They say that sometimes you have moments of absolute clarity in your life. At that moment, the very first moment I met her, I knew she was everything I wanted, and everything that I was forbidden to have.

Sydney, there are good reasons why there are rules governing agent-handler relationships. There are reasons why what we do, what we have done is wrong-"

"Vaughn." I interrupt him mid-sentence. "Do you honestly believe that what we have done is wrong?"

"Yes. I mean, no! It was right and it was wrong and it was everything that we shouldn't have done and everything that we should be able to do…"

"Would you do it again?"

His breath is ragged now, remembering the warehouse, remembering the chain link fence, remembering the bloodmobile, remembering pushing you up against the wall…

Finally he gets his breathing under control enough to mutter harshly, "Yes."

"Then Vaughn, what are you saying?"

"I'm saying that I'm too emotionally attached to you. I'm saying I am falling love with you, and I'm saying that if I was still sane, I'd have handed in my resignation as your handler weeks ago.

Ever since I met you, I haven't had a normal life. Did you know that I can't sleep when you're on missions? Well, I can't-"

You interrupt him again with a kiss. And the kiss says everything that needs to be said. Or so you think. He breaks away from you, locks his eyes, intense, a little angry, and oh so green on yours.

"Don't think you can shut me up by doing this. We need to talk. I don't know how to live like this, Syd. I'm lying to everyone. My best friend, my colleagues, my boss….Syd, how do you live like this?"

You don't know how to reply to this.

Because you don't know how you live with the lies. But somehow you just do.

"You live. And you lie, and you breathe."

The trick is to keep breathing. Breathe, and everything will be all right. [The easiest person to lie to is yourself.]

You kiss him again, and this time he doesn't pull away. Your lips meet his, and his hands are around you, and you have his hair in your hands, holding firmly, pulling slightly, and then his hands are everywhere on you, and the bittersweet emotions are making it hard for you to think, because his lips are there on yours, and you can feel him up against you, and you're holding on for dear life because you don't know what else you can hold onto and because he may be standing on sinking sand, but you're floating in the sea without a life jacket, and there's only so long that you can be strong for.

It is the kiss of two desperate people, both searching for something more than their lives. It is the kiss of two people trapped in a cage of pain, of guilt, of grief, of hurt, and above all, a cage of lies. It's the kiss of two people who realise that the only time they feel anything anymore is when they're together and when they're moving like this and it's the hungry kiss of two people alone in the world besides themselves, fighting to make the other realise the pain that they're causing.

But above all, it's the kiss of two people wanting to be free to grow.

And before you know it, you've pushed him back inside the warehouse, and this time it's all about truth, and breathing, and growth and the importance of having an ally when you're alone in the world. It is bittersweet this time, pain and passion, the two edges of this double sided sword called love.

As your bodies move together, you feel his pain and his anger, his incredible need and frustration from wanting something he is forbidden to have, from being captivated by the one person he cannot touch….you feel what he has sacrificed to you and because of you [hisfatherhisgirlfriendhisnormallifetruth], and you feel like crying because you know you'll only hurt him in the end.

And just before you collapse on his shoulder, you whisper, "I'm sorry."

Sorry for coming into your life, sorry for screwing up your perfect, normal world [only a person who has had a normal life taken away from them can truly appreciate its value], sorry that your mother killed your father, sorry that you have to lie to your friends [I've accepted that it's a gesture of love to deceive those that I care about], sorry that you fell in love with me, because I only hurt the ones I love, and I don't want to hurt you, because I don't need any more blood on my hands and I don't need another grave to visit.

I'm sorry, Vaughn. Because I love you too.

Please read and review! And yes, I'm well aware I switched point of view in that last paragraph…well, I didn't, Sydney did. And I tried to switch it back when I realised, but it really doesn't sound as good. Rest assured, we'll be back in second person Sydney POV next chapter for sure.

Next stop: Taipei. [Otherwise known as Angstville]. And yes, that was an evil laugh you heard emerging from my Batcave.