AUTHOR'S NOTES -
TIMEPERIOD - During "The Enemy Walks In", and immediately
following the previous chapter.
DISCLAIMER - I don't own the characters or the show! Bad Robot, ABC and
JJ Abrams do! The line "Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold; Mere
anarchy is loosed upon the world" is from "The Second
Coming" by W.B. Yeats. So I don't own that either. :D
Evolution
Liberation
You saved him, and you saved yourself.
He's alive. He's alive, and you're alive, and you know that nothing else matters besides that.
You can tell he's hurting, and he's sore and in pain, and all you want to do is hug him and hold him and kiss him better and tell him that everything will be all right.
But instead you jab a large syringe full of adrenaline into his chest and get him out of the hellhole that Ravias calls a home. He sits up suddenly [Uh…Syd, don't do that] and you pull him up and out, and then you start to run and he's behind you and you're running from the guards chasing you and you're running, just running, and he's right behind you, and everything feels so right, just the two of you running from everything…the lies, the pain, the grief.
You finally stop running, and he just looks at you, and you just say "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," over and over again, and then you're in tears and he's holding you and kissing you and lifting your chin and looking into your eyes and asking you what you have to be sorry for.
"I nearly got you killed! I thought that I had gotten you killed!"
"What? Syd, you are not responsible for my actions! I knew the risks before I decided to come with you on this mission!" He's a little angry now, but not so much at you as what you think and the people who have made you think what you do.
"I kill everyone I love, Vaughn. I'll kill you if you stay with me long enough." You utter these words in a choked voice, half-sobbing, half-crying.
"Sydney. Look at me." This is a command, not a request, not a politely phrased instruction. His voice is firm, and you do as he says, and look at him, while trying not to drown in his eyes, liquid green and deep enough to swim in…
You snap out of it, pulling yourself out of the fantasies you're having about ripping off the buttons of the shirt he's miraculously acquired, and you look at him.
"I don't care about your ghosts. I don't care about the blood you think you've got on your hands. I don't care that you think that you'll kill me, because I'd rather be dead than without you. I love you, Syd."
"I know," you reply in a small voice. He shakes his head, and you just grin. It's a silly grin, you know, but you're happier than you've ever been in the world, because he's there, and because he's alive, and because you never thought you'd see him again and because ten hours ago you were standing in your bedroom with a gun to your head, preparing to kill yourself. But none of that matters anymore, because he's here, and he's alive, and he's hurt but he'll live, and you're here, and nothing hurts anymore.
"Where exactly are we?"
"France."
"France? Really? France! Wow."
"Yeah. Vaughn, you get back to LA, can't you? I need to get back before Dixon realises that I've gone."
He smiles at you, and nods, and is suddenly serious. "You saved my life."
"Vaughn, I wouldn't have had to save it if you hadn't have come with me!"
"We'll talk about this later. I'll see you back in LA, all right?"
He kisses you once, and you cling to him like a drowning woman clings to a life jacket, because that's what he is, a rock for you to hold onto, the centre of your world, and without the centre, everything else falls apart [Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold/Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world]. You are nothing without him, and he is nothing without you, but together you are anything and you are everything, and together nothing else matters, not the blood on your hands [black widow spider/blood on your hands], not the family history that has forever entwined your lives [my mother killed your father…how can you look at me and not see her face?], not the lie that you are forced to live [how do you live like this?...You live, and you lie, and you breathe], not the fact that you can't be normal, you can't live in his world, and he can't live in yours, not the fact that you might be killed because of the one thing in your life that feels right, feels normal, feels real. Nothing matters. Nothing will ever matter again.
You draw back, only too aware of Dixon's presence a few miles away, his suspicion of you already aroused.
"I'll see you in LA, okay?"
And with that you're gone, and Dixon wonders why you're so happy, and you just tell him that you're looking forward to getting home.
* * *
It's the day after your return to LA before he contacts you.
"Joey's Pizza?"
Because Francie's watching, you make a show out of it for her benefit.
"This is Joey's Pizza, can I take your order please?"
"I'll have one beautiful, talented superspy, please."
You stifle a giggle. You hate the sound of your giggles. They make you feel 10 years old again.
"Your, um, pizza, will be there in an hour."
And with that you hang up, a huge grin making its way across your face. He's alright, and they've let him out of the hospital, and you can't wait to see him, and kiss him, and inspect every inch of him to make sure he's alright, and kiss his scars better…
And then suddenly you sober up, and you remember how screwed up your life is, that your best friend can't meet your…friendloverallylove. And it hurts you, because you have all these different fragments in your life [compartments of your life, like a good little spy] and you want to join them all together [you have a dream of sitting around, watching a hockey game with Vaughn, at your house, with Francie and Will, and even Weiss, but you know that it would doom you all], fuse them all together, make the weaker parts join in a stronger whole….you want to stop having to lie to your friends. You want to stop lying. You want a real life again. You want so much. You have so many dreams for the future. They're all different, but they all involve him, and you, and no more lies, and you're free. Free to live, free to love, free to do what ever you wanted to do, [no one to stop you from living your life], free to just be.
You sigh. Your dreams will have to wait. But he's alive. And that's all that matters right now.
Dreams can wait.
Vaughn, on the other hand, can't.
* * *
You almost break the speed limit getting to the warehouse [nearly forget to check for tails, but some things are just too engrained].
You don't speak.
This time it's not about erasing anything. It's not about forgetting the past, not about cleansing your ghosts, not about wiping away the blood on your hands.
This time it's about the feeling of your heart beating against his.
This time it's sweet, and slow, and it's free, and you have all the time in the world.
This time it's about the future, not the past.
This time it's about being free.
This time it's about dreams.
And all you say is "Someday…"
And he understands.
Sorry it's short, but that's the way the chapter ended up….
However, the first part of the sequel [and last part of the Passion Trilogy, except for the epilogue, which will be titled "Renaissance"], now retitled "Renewal", will be up very soon – i.e. today or tomorrow. J
So, please do read and review this, and then follow me over and read and review that.
Thanks for reading,
Em