Um…anyways, I don't think I own these characters…get back to me on that one.
Dancing at Ucchan's
By Silver Vaporeon
Chapter 2
The school bells had announced the end of another day at Furinkun High nearly an hour ago and yet the usually popular Cat Café was devoid of any of its teenaged customers who would come running in. Shampoo didn't mind the absence of the lecherous males that often stared at her and would rub against her tight dress for that saved a fortune in wooden trays that would have usually been smashed upon their heads. However, the lack of decent men and the ladies that usually dropped in for an after-school meal was hurting business. There were a few people, yes but the amount of money from them was a drop in the bucket from the usual income.
The Chinese amazon let out a lonely sigh and sat at one of the empty tables, twirling a lock of her hair between her fingers. She crossed her legs and leaned backwards into the chair.
"Airen…nee tzuh na lee?*" she murmured in Mandarin Chinese, wondering where her groom was. Two white robed arms came from behind and smothered an off-guard Shampoo in their embrace. She struggled against the iron grip, her yelling muffled by the miles of cloth around her.
"Xian Pu! Woh tzuh lee, bu-yao paa! Woh ai nee!**" Mousse spouted, holding Shampoo in his loving embrace. Shampoo found an opening and her fist made contact with the boy's jaw, sending him flying to the opposite side of the restaurant where he lay in a heap on the floor. A little boy eating with his mother at another table laughed in unrestrained glee, broth spilling out of his grubby mouth and the poor lady had to smack his back hard when some of it eventually decided to venture into his windpipe.
"Muu-tzu! Stupid duck boy! What could kill Shampoo!" Shampoo stood up and yelled in her regular pidgin Japanese. Mousse twitched a little before pulling himself up.
"B-but…Shampoo…" his brain grabbed at a pitiful excuse for his actions. "…I...I love you.."
"Duck boy love what can kill! If love Shampoo, can go find where dumb-dumb teenage customer go! Rent very expensive for you!" Shampoo yelled again. Mousse cringed. He was not aware that his linen closet of a room was so demanding of money. He hastily bowed and scurried out the door, his robed arms covering the back of his head and neck. Shampoo sat back down, rather irritated. She slammed a hand on the table.
"bi-tzeh!***" she spat out. The table gave a slight tremor and collapsed. The little boy laughed again and choked on a large portion of shrimp.
~*~*~*~*~
Mousse scraped his feet against the pavement as he stumbled along the lonely street. Shampoo had gotten a lot angrier with him for the last few days when the customers stopped coming. He sighed and looked towards the big blue sky. A crow flew by and deposited its droppings, missing Mousse and his lovely face and hair by near inches before going on its merry birdie way.
"Stupid crow!" Mousse cursed after it. He turned back around and bumped into Ranma. Mousse took a step back in surprised and scowled at his rival.
"W-watch where you're going, little boy!" Mousse scolded. Ranma narrowed his eyes and flipped Mousse's glasses up from Mousse's head and they fell down, bouncing a few times on the bridge of the long-haired boy's nose before they came to rest and corrected his vision.
"Yo, Mousse," Ranma stated. Akane hurried up from behind and stood next to her fiancé.
"Hi, Mousse, how is it going?" she asked in her cheerful way. Mousse slumped over, little blue-gray swirly clouds of depression hanging over his head and a lovely drab background with overhanging black lines appeared behind him out of nowhere. This setup made the master of hidden weapons look….well, depressed. Mousse dismissed the props with a wave of his hand and he looked up to Akane.
"…not too good," he signed. "Shampoo kicked me out of the restaurant to find out where the usual customers went." Ranma and Akane looked at each other and then back at Mousse.
"…ya mean the kids that go to our school?" Ranma asked. "They all went the other direction…y'know, where Ucchan's is. Maybe they all went there to eat."
Mousse erupted. "You dare to say that they chose to be patrons of that woman's restaurant?!" he yelled. Dogs howled and cats yowled in response across the district. The latter species sent shivers up Ranma's spine and he glomped onto Mousse for protection. Akane pulled a mallet out of hammer-space and slammed the blunt chunk of wood into Ranma's skull.
"Get off of him!" she commanded and Ranma fell down with a plop. Little flapping figures of Mumuchan circled his head, quacking and pecking at him. Ranma brushed at them, sending them quacking and scurrying into oblivion. He stood up.
"I didn't say nothin'," Ranma said. "I just said MAYBE they all went there. Hiroshi and Daisuke were saying somethin' 'bout some 'Dance Dance Revelation' thing she had…whatever that is. I've been avoiding the restaurant for a while so I dunno what that means."
"Yeah, Ranma. You're just scared to see if it meant Ukyo was dancing on her grill in a leather skirt with a whip, waiting for you to come," Akane rolled her eyes, wondering why he'd believe such a stupid statement that their fellow schoolmate, Eizen, had made. Of course, Ryoga was walking by when Eizen had said that and he had fainted on the spot. But Ranma wasn't as gullible as the Lost Boy so…yeah.
"I didn't say I was afraid of that! I just thought she'd want to be left alone for a while after I stole her pina colada and got drunk at her place!" Ranma clasped a hand over his mouth, knowing Akane would not have wanted to hear that.
And he was right.
The short haired and tempered girl was enveloped in a nice blue aura of doom as soon as he confessed and snarled at him like a pissed Doberman on steroids. She clenched her fists and shook violently. Ranma took a step back, his eye twitching. Mousse, who had better sense, dove into a nearby dumpster full of random refuse.
"Raaaaannnmmmaaaaaaaaaaa….." Akane growled dangerously. Ranma gulped.
"go and DIE-!" Akane yelled as she pulled out her mallet again and sent Ranma on a one-way trip into the stratosphere. Mousse peaked out of the dumpster, orange peels and bits of packaging clinging to his once shiny and clean hair. Akane huffed and put her mallet away. She looked at Mousse who gulped and shrank back into the bin. The violent tomboy marched over and pulled Mousse out.
"Come on, let's go to Ucchans'," Akane said, dragging Mousse along by the sleeve. "I accidentally punted Ranma towards her place."
'Accidentally?' Mousse wondered. You mean she chooses which direction to send him in?
~*~*~*~*~
"Hey, no shoving! You'll all get your turn!" Ukyo yelled over the din as she flipped a customer's order on the grill. Business had tripled over the last few days, bringing in new customers whom she had recognized from the Cat Café. Luckily for her, she had decided to continue wearing her sarashi and so few of the lecherous boys had tried anything stupid. Of course, there were the girls who thought she was a boy to deal with but it was easy enough to tear up napkins on which they had written phone numbers and little hearts on. In any case, poor Konatsu was the usual victim of sexual harassment.
"Enjoy!" she said as she sent the finished okonomiaki flying into Hiroshi's plate in the manner of a Frisbee, using her spatula instead of her hand, of course. He separated his wooden chopsticks and began eating happily.
"Man, this is great! Good food an' DDR in the same place!" Hiroshi said to Daisuke.
"And a good-looking cook to boot, huh, Hiroshi?" Daisuke teased as Ukyo turned around to call for Konatsu. Hiroshi turned pink and concentrated on eating.
"Konatsu! I need more cabbage!" she called. Konatsu got up from his chair in the kitchen and bowed.
"But of course, Lady Ukyo!" he replied and went into the small storage room to retrieve a crate of the green veggie. He quickly found it and lifted it with both hands, walking back to Ukyo.
"I have returned with the ca-" he started before another voice was heard in the distance and was getting louder by the second.
"aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhHHHHH-!"
CRASH-!
Ranma entered the restaurant through the roof and landed in the crate of cabbage which Konatsu was still holding onto. Yes, the loopholes of anime are strange.
"Ranchan!" Ukyo exclaimed. She reached behind for the large spatula she had cleaned earlier to give him a beating for her stolen alcholic drink. The pigtailed boy saw this and gave a weak smile as he remembered his backup plan.
" 'Ello, cute fiancée," he managed to say. Ukyo's heart melted and she forgave him for his earlier theft. She was such a softie when it came to her Ranchan. One would wonder why she would forgive him of such atrocious crimes so easily when he called her "cute". In fact, there wasn't really much of an answer but Ranma knew this fact and it often got him out of sticky situations. But she didn't and both were happy that way.
"H-hello, Ranma…" she blushed. Konatsu sighed sadly and dropped the crate.
"Ow-!" Ranma cried out. "That hurt!"
"Konatsu!" Ukyo scolded.
"…sorry, Lady Ukyo, the crate was heavy."
"J…just go get some more cabbage. I can't use that crate anymore with Ranchan's butt squashing it," Ukyo waved Konatsu away to fetch another load. Ranma got out of the crate and brushed himself off. A high school girl giggled at the scene.
"Boy, I could have gone for a salad of him," she giggled to her friend and they both…um, giggled together. School girls. Fortunately this and their next comments were drowned out by the blasting music and grunting of the game known as DDR.
….grunting?
Ukyo looked over and saw the head of a rather large white pig bouncing up and down, grunting to the beat of the song. The crowd had formed a larger circle than usual and the people on the outside of the ring were bumping into the counter and trying to avoid the hot grill.
"Katsunishiki! Keep going, you're almost there!" the owner of the giant sumo pig cheered him on. Ukyo glared at the enthusiastic Akari who had dared to let her bloated sausage of a pig trample on her machine. Lord knows how heavy Katsunishiki was and she was not going to test the machine's weight limits. That and it was not a good feeling to be jealous of a pig, even if it was better than her at playing DDR.
"Hey, miss! Get your pig off the machine, please!" Ukyo yelled over the music and grunting. Akari turned around and tried to see who was speaking and recognized her as the owner of the restaurant.
"Oh, my apologies!" Akari replied and prodded her giant white pig. "Katsunishiki, it's time to get off."
Katsunishiki shook his head and knocked his owner's hand gently away, completely engrossed in Reel 2 Real's "I like to Move It". Akari prodded him again and again he ignored her, stomping happily away on the machine.
"Do not ignore Lady Ukyo's wishes, swine!" Konatsu set down the unsoiled cabbage and marched over to the machine, pushing through the crowd until he was beside Akari who was looking worried.
"He usually obeys my orders but he's being a bad pig right now," she said sadly. Konatsu looked angrily towards the lump of lard who was bouncing on the metal pad and rolled up the sleeves of his uniform.
"Then we'll just have to make him obey," Konatsu said, his hand reaching behind his back for a weapon.
Something flashed in his hand and he brought it forth. It was a 100 yen piece. "I challenge you!"
Everyone fell over.
Katsunishiki knocked the coin out of the male kunoichi's hand and it rolled out the door and was eaten by Bessie the dog who had wandered by and decided shiny coins were good things to eat.
"No! That was a whole day's salary!" Konatsu cried. Ranma turned to Ukyo.
"…I thought you said you'd make his salary at least 50 yen an hour," he said. Ukyo shrugged.
"He wouldn't accept it. Said it wasn't his place to accept a salary increased five times," she explained. Ranma sighed.
Konatsu looked at the giant tub of lard with angry eyes. Reaching behind him again, he drew out a sword. It would have been menacing if it were a real sword but alas, it was made of cheap bamboo for he had pawned the real thing years ago.
"See here, swine! No one takes Lady Ukyo's money and throws it out the door carelessly for the dogs! Especially a pig like you!" Konatsu threw himself at Katsunishiki and jabbed viciously at his belly. The pig squealed and fell off the machine. The machine stopped playing and flashed the message: FAILED for all to see. Seeing these words made the sumo pig angry and he jabbed with lighting quick hoofs at Konatsu who dodged the attacks. They leaped into the streets and soon were a big blur of reds and whites and browns. Everyone else leaned out of the restaurant and watched. Well, everyone who was near the door anyways.
Left, right, left again, Katsunishiki jabbed, missing Konatsu each time but shredding his outfit. The feminine man leaped into the air and flipped himself onto the pig's back. Katsuishiki snarled and began running in circles, trying to shake him off. Konatsu pulled at the giant ropes around the pig, attempting to steer him this way and that. They barreled down the street and back up where the pig, squealing and snarling resumed running in circles. Konatsu was bounced this way and that but he kept a firm grip on the ropes and held his bamboo sword between his teeth.
Using imbalanced equilibrium impossible to duplicate in the real world, Konatsu threw himself forward, his hands tightly clutching the ropes, and made the pig flip in a complete 360 degree rotation in the air, his flowered hair barely skimming the ground. Dizzy and confused, Katsunishiki continued running around after the flip and slammed right into a nearby telephone pole. Konatsu leaped off the unconscious pig and clapped his hands as if he were brushing them clean of dust.
"Whoa, that was cool," Daisuke commented.
"Hey, that's a man! I thought he was a chick!" another boy said, his eyes bugging out. Konatsu looked down and saw that his slim well-muscled chest was bare. He gave a small yelp and covered himself with his hands. Modesty, thy name is Konatsu.
"You've won!" Akari cheered, a fan waving above her head as she ran to the scene. Konatsu had no time to react before Akari enveloped him in a large hug.
"Wh-what?" he stammered. "What's going on?"
Akari drew back and explained. "In my family, we raise sumo pigs and my dying grandfather told me as a little girl that I must marry a man that could defeat Katsunishiki, my prized pig. And you have defeated him."
"Wait a minute, Akari," Ranma came up from behind. "Ryoga defeated Katsunishiki a while back, remember? Whatever happened to that?"
The girl looked down at the ground and tapped her index fingers together sadly.
"Grandfather wanted a man to take over the School after he died and Ryoga has no desire to. He wandered off after that meeting with Grandfather and I haven't seen him since," Akari said. "So it is up to me to find another man."
"…and you think Konatsu's a good choice?" Ranma asked, knowing that Ryoga had probably just wandered onto a boat headed for the United States again or something. Akari simply smiled.
"Konatsu!" Ukyo yelled. "I need some more kerosene for the grill! Get your butt back in here!"
Thankful for an escape, Konatsu rushed back into the restaurant with his arms covering as much as his chest as possible. His boss stared at him.
"Uh…Konatsu, what did you do to my uniform?" Ukyo asked, looking at the pitiful shreds of fabric that still clung to her employee. Konatsu dropped to the ground, bowing lowly.
"I am so sorry, Lady Ukyo! I shall pay for it through my salary!" he promised. Ukyo shook her head.
"No, it's alright, Konatsu. It would take forever that way. I'll just double your workload for a month if that makes you feel less guilty," she said. Konatsu looked at her as if she were a true angel from above, feathery wings and complementary halo and everything.
"Yes! That is the least I deserve! You are so very generous, Lady Ukyo!" he bowed again. Ukyo let out a long sigh as he hurried to get more kerosene. When he returned, Ranma, Akari and a battered Katsunishiki were sitting at the counter. Akari waved at him and Konatsu ducked behind Ukyo.
"Hey, what gives, Konatsu?" Ukyo asked. The timid boy clung to her tightly and Ukyo jabbed him in the stomach. "Gah! You're creeping me out again!"
Konatsu doubled over, catching his breath. Akari looked at him with concern and he suppressed a yelp.
"L-Lady Ukyo…m-may I take the rest of the day off? J-just this once?" he requested in a soft voice, his eyes pleading. Ukyo shrugged. She had handled larger crowds before on her own.
"Yeah, sure," she replied and Konatsu quickly took off for the upstairs bedroom. Akari frowned and turned to Ranma.
"Does Konatsu hate pigs too?" she asked him. Ranma shrugged.
"I wouldn't know. He does have a thing for Ucchan here though," he replied. Ukyo glared at Ranma and he shut his mouth, knowing that she was overly sensitive about being a crossdresser-magnet more than once. Akari looked down at her order of okonomiaki and nodded.
"I see…" she stated. "And does she…"
"No, I don't. I just take care of him because I felt sorry for him. That's all," Ukyo finished for Akari, sprinkling cabbage over cooking batter. A long uneasy pause fell over the small group. Of course, by this time, the DDR machine was back in use and working fine despite the large pig's poundings.
Suddenly the door shattered as two bonbori punched their way through. Ukyo
stared at the bits of broken wood and glass scattered on her floor. She looked
up and saw an irate Shampoo dressed in her formal battle clothing.
"So is Spatula Girl steal business from Shampoo!" the purple haired
amazon accused, pointing a brightly colored bonbori at Ukyo. The brown-haired
girl glared back at Shampoo.
"So what if I did? At least I didn't go breaking people's doors down!" Ukyo leapt over the counter and landed in an open area behind the ring of people that was crowded around the machine who were now looking at Shampoo. It wasn't every day that an amazon broke down a door instead of using it. Well, maybe in Nerima but still.
"You're gonna pay for that, you amazon bimbo!" Ukyo brought forth her battle spatula, ready for a fight. Shampoo glared back at the okonomiaki chef, shifting her weight to get ready to spring. Akane sighed. It wasn't a good idea for Mousse to tell Shampoo that Ucchan's was the business most likely to be stealing customers while they passed the Cat Café.
"Hold it!" a bold alto cried out. The two girls looked towards the voice. Nabiki stepped forward from her place by the machine where she had been collecting bets. She sauntered over to Shampoo and Ukyo and drew them close.
"You know, there is a more civil way to settle this dispute. Why not make a sparring battle into a one for DDR? The machine is a major factor in the spurring of Ukyo's business with the food to back it up. Now, if this was a match to see who was better…" Nabiki proposed.
"Winner what get machine. Shampoo agree," Shampoo finished, knowing that if she had simply destroyed the machine, business would simply go back to normal after a long time since the customers would have also developed a liking for the food. But if the Cat Café was the restaurant owning the machine…the tables would be turned and business would prosper rapidly. Ukyo nodded, knowing Shampoo's plan and that she'd have to fight for her money-making piece of metal and wiring.
"…Alright, Sugar but I gotta warn you, I've been practicing some so don't take it too lightly."
"Shampoo no worry. Shampoo what play stupid game in China airport and what win after what practice," Shampoo sneered, tossing her bonbori aside. "So Spatula Girl what should worry."
"I ain't worried about anything. Let's go."
"Alright, then it's settled! So after these other two have-" Nabiki saw a blur of brown and purple pass her before she finished.
"Alright, it's our turn! This is an important battle!" Ukyo demanded the two guys on the DDR machine to step off. Daisuke quickly got off after seeing Shampoo lifting a menacing bonbori over his head but the other boy continued.
"No way, girls! I just got on!" a shaggy-looking high school boy shot back. "Unless ya both wanna date me…"
"DAARLING-!" a high-pitched voice rang out and a bolt of lightning
struck the lecherous boy.
"Ai-aie!!" he screamed. A green-haired oni girl, clad in a tiger-striped
bikini landed on the other dancing pad next to the scorched lad. She bared her
teeth and grabbed him by the collar.
"You were supposta come straight home after school! I am making my specialty tonight!" she screeched.
"As if I wanna get poisoned again, Lum, ya crazy alien!" Ataru Moroboshi shot back. Lum zakked him and he fell off the machine looking very much like a piece of charcoal. The alien princess picked him up by the collar again and flew out of the restaurant with him. Everyone blinked and then shrugged. The machine once again flashed the word: "FAILED" and cleared. The lights got brighter and the sounds got louder, probably due to the extra surge of electricity.
"Alright, now that the machine is cleared, you're going down, Shampoo," Ukyo said. Shampoo climbed up onto the metal pad next to her rival.
"We see about that."
*******
Wow, that sucked again. It was too much stuff, I was rambling, blah blah blah…
I love to bash myself. You can't stop me! mwahaha!
And I probably confused people….I added in Ataru Moroboshi and Lum from
Urusei Yatsura, another series by Rumiko Takashi. I don't own them either.
Umm…next! Ukyo vs. Shampoo! Who shall win? Umm…I dunno. Come back later.
And here's the key for what Shampoo and Mousse's Chinese in the beginning. My apologies for probably screwing up the Romanization.
Handy-Dandy Chinese Translations
* "Airen…nee tzuh na lee?" = "Loved one, where are you?"
** "Xian Pu! Woh tzuh lee, bu-yao paa! Woh ai nee!" = "Xian Pu! I am here, do not fear! I love you!"
*** "bi-tzeh!" = literally "white-eat" but basically translates into "idiot!", "moron!", etc.
Review. Now.