ACT I

SCENE I

Town square. Enter Rick and Neil.

Rick: Ah, what a lovely day. Blue skies, fresh air, perfect for a shag!
Neil: Let's just hope we don't run into any Fawlties.
Rick: Oh, boo hoo, Neil! As if they're going to do anything about us!
Neil: Yeah, but they're really big on fighting and all that. I mean, I just did me hair, man!

Enter Fawlty thugs.

Neil: Oh, no.
Rick: Watch and learn, Neil.

Rick casually walks over to the Fawlty thugs and makes an obscene gesture and walks back to Neil. The Fawlties draw their swords.

Rick: Oh, look, Neil! The Fawlties have drawn their swords. Well, they're going to be damn sorry when they find themselves bleeding to death on the pavement!
Neil: Hey, guys. I'm getting really bad vibes here, man.

Enter Humphrese.

Humphrese: What's going on here? (To Neil) Ooh, you do look nice, don't you?
Neil: (very nervous) Uh, uh...Vyvyan! Rick? Mike?

Enter Mike and Vyvyan.

Mike: Oi, what's going on here, then?
Rick: The Fawlties! They've bloody attacked us!!
Mike: Oh, dear. Vyv!
Vyvyan: Oi, who's this poof, then!?
Mike: I don't know, but he's taking quite the shine to Neil here.
Vyvyan: You sick bastards!!
Neil: Hey, guys! Peace. Peace! Remember what the Major said if we get into another--
Rick: Sod the Major! Burn down the offices! Overthrow the oppressors.
Vyvyan: Oh, shut up!

A fight begins. Neil runs away. Mr. Humphrese chases after him. Vyvyan picks up a chair and breaks it over Rick's head.

Vyvyan: Oh! Sorry, Rick. I thought you were a Fawlty.

Enter Major.

Major: Right, stop that! Stop that! This is getting far too silly. It started off as a nice coming-of-age tale of sorts...but now it's just gotten silly! Now, nobody likes a good laugh more than I...except for my wife...and some of her friends...oh yes, and Captain Atkinson. Come to think of it, most people enjoy a good laugh than I do, but that's beside the point. Furthermore, let it be known that if this play gets any sillier during a scene in which I appear on this stage, the culprit will be put to death. Now, let's have a good clean scene with no silliness whatsoever. Curtain...close!

Major exits.

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SCENE II

City street. Enter Basil, Sybil, and Humphrese.

Basil: Damn Regent! Always trying to stand me up. Right, Humphrese. The last thing we need is this place to be shut down, so I want you to try and keep order if anything like this should happen again.
Sybil: And make sure you take their weapons!
Basil: Yes, Sybil, I'm dealing with it.
Sybil: Well, you're not dealing with it very well.
Basil: Yes, my little commandant.
Sybil: Where's Lucas? Did he ever show up for work?
Humphrese: I don't know. I think he's still upset about Miss Brahms.
Basil: Oh, God.

Enter Lucas.

Basil: Well, Lucas! Glad you finally decided to turn up! Beautiful day, isn't it?
Lucas: Yeah, it's all right, I suppose.
Sybil: Leave him alone, Basil. He's just depressed.
Lucas: What!?
Basil: I'm only trying to help, Sybil.
Sybil: No dear, you're just making it worse.
Lucas: Making what worse? I just showed up to work, that's all.
Basil: Look, look, look, oh don't look at me with those AWFUL cow eyes; look, why don't you go to the cinema tonight? Why, why, why don't you and Humphrese go to a show or something? Why, why, why, why, why don't you cheer up, for Christ's sake!?
Lucas: I'm not doing anything.
Sybil: Let him be, Basil!
Basil: I just cannot stand this awful self-indulgence!
Lucas: Have you been drinking or something, Mr. Fawlty?
Humphrese: Let me handle this, Mr. Fawlty. Delicate touch needed, I fancy.

Basil and Sybil exit.

Humphrese: Now, what seems to be troubling you, love?
Lucas: Nothing!
Humphrese: But I saw you last night with Brahms. The poor, stupid bird. Doesn't know what she's missing.
Lucas: Yeah, but it's not like I'm crying about it or anything. She wants Granger, that's her problem.
Humphrese: Then why were you late for work?
Lucas: My car exploded. (Pause) It was the bloody Regents.
Humphrese: Oh, yes. The freeloading bastards, I hope they all burn in Hell.
Lucas: Well, that goes without saying.
Humphrese: Are you sure you're all right?
Lucas: Of course I'm sure!
Humphrese: All right. Just making sure.

Enter Baldrick.

Baldrick: Message for you, sir!

Baldrick hands Humphrese a letter and exits.

Humphrese: I say, do you know what this is?
Lucas: Yeah, it's an invitation to a party at Regent Mansions tonight. The bloody fool must've confused us for Regents!
Humphrese: What do you say tonight we go down there and have a bit of a bash, if you know what I mean?
Lucas: You mean turn up at the party?
Humphrese: That's exactly what I mean!
Lucas: Yeah, all right.

The two exit.

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SCENE III

Regent Mansions. Edina is grooming herself whilst Blackadder talks with Lord Flasheart.

Blackadder: Right, Lord Flasheart. My master, Lord Regent, sends his deepest greetings, though he cannot be with us this afternoon.
Lord Flasheart: What's he doing?
Blackadder: He's sleeping, sir!
Lord Flasheart: I say, what a waste of a mattress! Let me tell you the day I use my bed for sleeping is the day I die! WOOF WOOF!!
Blackadder: I might've guessed. So, we are in an agreement? Tonight during the festivities, you woo Saffy, marry her the following week, and walk away three quarters of a million pounds and--
Lord Flasheart: And the luckiest bird to ever be taken to Heaven and back!

Flasheart exits. Edina enters.

Edina: I say, Edmund! Where is my daughter?
Blackadder: I know not, ma'am, for I was distracted by the world's biggest showoff since Jesus Christ stood up over the people of Israel and cried, Hey dad! Didn't you say I'd never amount to anything!?
Edina: Well, if you do see her, give me a shout, would you?
Blackadder: Right away, ma'am.

Enter Hyacinth.

Edina: Nursie, dear, have you seen my daughter?
Hyacinth: My name, ma'am is Mrs. Bucket, and I suggest you call me that.
Edina: Whatever, darling. I can't be expected to remember everything. Well, where is she, Hyacinth?
Hyacinth: I'll go find her, ma'am. SAFFY!! SAFFY!! SAFFY, WHERE THE DEVIL YOU, GIRL!?
Saffy: I'm right here.

Saffy enters.

Saffy: You could've waited for me to come down first.
Edina: Darling, I need to talk to you now. Uh, Edmund, Hyacinth, would you mind...
Blackadder: Right away, ma'am. There's only so long one can stand the smell of Baldrick's laundry.

Blackadder and Hyacinth exit.

Edina: Uh, Hyacinth, come back here.

She does just that.

Edina: Saffy, darling, what are your thoughts on marriage?
Saffy: Marriage?
Edina: Have you ever heard of the honorable Lord Flasheart?
Saffy: Lord Flasheart!?
Hyacinth: Oh, yes! Only the finest man in all the land. He's in love with you and he wants to marry you next week. Only the best for my little Saffy.
Saffy: Mother, the only thing Lord Flasheart cares about is a good shag...thirty times night...with eighty-five different women...in three beds.
Edina: oh, but that doesn't really matter all that much, does it?
Saffy: I'd bloody well say it does. I want the man I marry to care for me until the day I die. A man who loves things I do and the way I look. A man who is a tender, caring, loving person.
Edina: Well, that's not the way we do things here, darling. You want that kind of relationship, find a family in Wales!
Hyacinth: He's right, you know. Take what you can get and don't let go. I made that that very same mistake myself, dearie.
Saffy: Well, all right.
edina: Oh, marvelous! Now fetch mummy a bottle of champagne.

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SCENE IV

Regent Gardens. Enter Lucas, Humphrese, and Eric Praline, who are just arriving at the party.

Humphrese: Now be gentle on this fellow tonight. He's a bit under the weather.
Eric Praline: Why is that?
Humphrese: He's smitten.
Lucas: No, I'm not!
Humphrese: We're taking him to look at some other birds...to see what he fancies.
Eric Praline: Yes, my advice to you is take whatever you can get and hold on. I remember once I went into a pet shop to buy a parrot. Half hour later I returned to the very same boutique to complain. It turned out that the Norwegian Blue I had purchased ever so recently was dead. The man assured me that it was merely resting, but I told him it was stone dead. I tried to awaken the dear winged fellow to prove its death. Then the man told me it was pining for the fjords'. Then I told him how I had noticed out of the corner of my eye that the only reason it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been nailed there. He still insisted it was alive, but the parrot had passed on. The parrot was no more, it had ceased to be. It was a stiff breath of life, it rested in peace. If he hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would have been pushing up the daisies. It had run down the curtain and joined the Choir Invisible. It was...an ex-parrot!
Lucas: Eric, what is the point of this story?
Eric Praline: Shut up! I haven't finished.
Lucas: Oh God.
Eric Praline: So then he tried to pass it off with a slug! I would've accepted, but the damn thing didn't even talk! Then he asked me if I wanted to come back to his place. I cordially accepted.
Humphrese: Do you remember his name? He sounds like a nice, polite sort of bloke.
Lucas: Eric, Eric. Calm yourself. You're bloody projecting. It's over. Now enjoy yourself.
Eric Praline: All right! I shall.

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SCENE V

Regent Mansions. Blackadder and Baldrick watch the guests as they come in.

Blackadder: Right, Baldrick. Here's the plan. I'm sick of not getting any women and the bloody Lord Regent getting the lot, so you dress up as a sad old granny, ask for directions, and lead him out of the palace. Got it?
Baldrick: Got it.
Blackadder: Well, you certainly will get it if you mess this up. Oh yes, anything from Lord Massingbird?
Baldrick: Yes, sir! (takes out an empty bottle of poison)
Blackadder: Baldrick, I gave you two notes. You sent the note with a bottle of poison for suicide to Lord Massingbird.
Baldrick: Certainly did, sir.
Blackadder: and you sent the invitation to the party to...

Enter Lucas, Humphrese, and Eric Praline.

Blackadder: You stupid bastard! (hits Baldrick in the back of the head)

Lucas sits down while Humphrese joins the celebration and Eric wanders around aimlessly. A cheeky fellow sits down next to him.

Cheeky Fellow: Good evening, Squire!
Lucas: Hello.
Cheeky Fellow: Is your bird a goer, eh? Knowhatimean, knowhatimean, nudge nudge, wink wink, saynomore?
Lucas: What?
Cheeky Fellow: Your bird! Does she go, eh? Does she go, eh?
Lucas: I don't have a bird at the moment.
Cheeky Fellow: I bet you don't. I bet you don't. Saynomore, saynomore, knowhatimean, nudge nudge?
Lucas: I'm gonna stand over there.

Lucas stands up and walks over to Humphrese.

Humphrese: Ah, Lucas! Find any birds that catch your fancy? I know I've found mine.
Lucas: That's Lord Flasheart, Humphrese.
Humphrese: Ooh, I know!
Lucas: Well, I haven't found anything I like just yet.
Humphrese: Don't worry, you're time will come. Oh look, there's the little Regent girl. And it looks like she's the only one without a boyfriend.
Lucas: Ugh. Oh, well. Might as well give it a whirl. Right, now to turn on a bit of the old Lucas charm.
Flasheart: (from a distance) Oi! You! Frat at the drinks!
Humphrese: Why me, sir?
Flasheart: Yeah, you seen Saffy Regent around?
Humphrese: Over there. (pointing to her)
Flasheart: Ugh, that's bloody revolting!! Oh, well. This bird here will have to do!

Flasheart picks out a random girl and begins passionately kissing her for at least thirty seconds. He stops.

Flasheart: She's got a tongue like an electric eel and she likes the taste of a man's tonsils! (taking the girl in his arms) Right, here comes a whizz-bang-- and I think you know what I'm talking about! WOOF WOOF!!

They exit.

Blackadder: Oh, great. First Baldrick gives two Fawlties an invitation and now this. God, what an awful day.

Lucas approaches Saffy.

Lucas: Excuse me, darling, but I noticed you have no dance partner this evening. And I was wondering--
Saffy: Are you Flasheart?
Lucas: (thinking) No, sorry.
Saffy: Great!

Saffy pulls Lucas onto the dance floor.

Saffy: What exactly attracted you to me?
Lucas: Is that any question to ask the bloke who fancies you!?
Saffy: I like you. You're different from all the others.
Lucas: How?
Saffy: Well, in a weird sort of way, you're kind of...charming.
Lucas: Nobody's ever called me charming before.

Hyacinth pulls Saffy away.

Hyacinth: Are you mad, woman!?
Saffy: What!? Flasheart's nowhere to be found!
Hyacinth: That is a common Fawlty! What would people think if they saw you with him!?
Saffy: A Fawlty!?
Lucas: Hang on. Is that a Regent? Oh, no.

Vyvyan enters.

Vyvyan: Oi, Regent!
George: That's Lord Regent to you!
Vyvyan: No time for that now, Georgie. There's a Fawlty in here.
George: Fawlty!? Where?
Vyvyan: Over there! That Lucas bloke!
George: No, that's not! Is it?
Vyvyan: YES!!
George: Oh, I say, that's very clever. Bravo!
Vyvyan: I'm not going to let him stay here, you stupid bastard!
George: I say, you WILL let him stay or I will...will...cut your hair!
Vyvyan: Oh, bollocks!

Vyvyan exits.

Saffy: Lucas!
Lucas: Yes?
Saffy: Meet me tonight at the courtyard.
Lucas: Aren't you a Regent?
Saffy: Oh, I don't care about that. Please just meet me there tonight.
Lucas: Yeah, all right. Sounds rather fun. See you tonight.

The two exit.

End of Act I.