ACT II

SCENE I

Courtyard. Lucas enters. He looks around and can't find anything. Saffy approaches the nearby balcony without her glasses on and her hair down. She looks ten times more beautiful.

Lucas: (whispering) Jesus Christ! She's actually attractive. I think I'm falling in love...or close to it.
Saffy: (sighs) Oh, Lucas. Why do have to be a Fawlty? Better yet, why should it matter if you're a Fawlty? You're still a sweet, loving, young man.
Lucas: Let's not jump to conclusions.
Saffy: Lucas!
Lucas: Oh yes! Hello, darling.
Saffy: You called me
Lucas: Yes?
Saffy: The nicest thing a man even called me was
Lucas: Oh. Well, I have to call you things like that, don't I?
Saffy: Oh, Lucas! You must be the sweetest man in all the world.
Lucas: You don't think you're overreacting just a tiny bit?
Saffy: But don't you love me?
Lucas: Of course I do, but don't get yourself down. We've only just met.

Humphrese enters.

Humphrese: Remember what I said. Take what you can get and don't let go.
Lucas: What the hell are you doing here?
Humphrese: I'm really here. You're just remembering what I told you.
Lucas: Oh, I see, right.

Humphrese exits.

Lucas: On the contrary, my love, I'd never been more swept away in my life until I saw your face.
Saffy: Oh, Lucas. Climb up here and kiss me!
Lucas: All right. Sounds good.

Lucas starts climbing up the balcony...then falls off.

Lucas: Sorry, let me try that again.

Lucas starts climbing again. This time he is successful. He kisses Saffy passionately.

Lucas: That felt good.
Saffy: It certainly did.
Lucas: Right.
Saffy: Do you really love me?
Lucas: Of course...just never put your glasses on...and always have your hair down like that.
Saffy: Anything for you, my love.
Lucas: Right! Then you won't object to my proposing to you. How's for marriage?
Saffy: What!?
Lucas: Yeah. Tell you what, I'll have me mate send for you. You'll recognize him; he doesn't speak English very well.
Saffy: But what about my family?
Lucas: Oh, sod them! They don't mean a bloody thing to me. We'll get hitched and we'll kick it off in South America. What do you think?
Saffy: Well...
Lucas: Marvelous! I can hardly wait.
Nurse: (offstage) Saffy! What are you doing in there!?
Saffy: Just getting ready for bed, Hyacinth.
Lucas: I best be going now. Sleep well, dear. Love you.

Lucas falls off the balcony.

Saffy: Good night, my darling. Tomorrow we shall hear only the sound of wedding bells.

__________________________________________________________________


SCENE II

Parochial house. Father Jack is sleeping in his armchair. Father Dougal is riding around in rollerblades. Father Ted is watering the plants with what appears to be whiskey.

Father Ted: It was awful nice of Father Griffin to leave us this exotic plant.
Father Dougal: What's that you're doing, Ted?
Father Ted: (whispering) Apparently whiskey is good for it. It helps it grow into some kind of alcohol plant. Then you can sell it on the black market. He said it's good if we ever don't have enough in the collection money.
Father Dougal: Why are you whispering, Ted?
Father Ted: I don't want Father Jack to know there's whiskey in the house. Dougal, I told you no rollerblading in the house!
Father Dougal: Did you, now?
Father Ted: Yes! Don't you ever listen or what?
Father Dougal: Oh, right, so.
Father Ted: Right.

Mrs. Doyle enters.

Mrs. Doyle: Cup of tea, fathers?
Father Ted: Ah, yes. Thanks.
Father Dougal: Oh, wow!
Father Ted: What?
Father Dougal: That cup has George Harrison on it! Since when did he start making cups, now?
Father Ted: No, Dougal. That's our Lord.
Father Dougal: Is it?
Father Ted: Yes. That's our Lord, Jesus Christ. The Son of God.
Father Dougal: Is he really?
Father Ted: Yes, of course.
Father Dougal: Ah, brilliant. Who'd a thought it? George Harrison, the Son of God. So he's the man to everyday, is he?

Lucas enters.

Mrs. Doyle: Oh yes, I forgot. Lucas is here to see you, Father.
Lucas: Hello, Father Crilly. Father Maguire.
Father Dougal: Who are you!?
Father Ted: Dougal, is that any way to treat a guest!? I'm sorry about that.
Lucas: No, that's quite all right. Father Hackett! My God, it's been ages since I've seen you. How you been?
Father Jack: (punches Lucas) Feck off!!
Father Ted: Sorry about that. I should've mentioned Father Jack gets very cranky when he has to talk to people.
Lucas: No, that's alright. I can live another day.
Mrs. Doyle: Would you like a cup of tea, Lucas?
Lucas: No thanks, Mrs. Doyle. I don't really like tea very much.
Mrs. Doyle: Ah, go on.
Lucas: No, I'd love to, but--
Mrs. Doyle: Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, GO ON!!
Lucas: Yeah, all right! (takes a swig of tea) Thanks! (belches)

Mrs. Doyle exits.

Father Ted: Right, now what is it you wanted to talk to me about?
Lucas: I want to get married, Father.
Father Ted: God Almighty, already? Congratulations! You know, that Brahms is a lucky girl.
Lucas: It's not her.
Father Ted: It's not?
Lucas: No.
Father Ted: Then, who is it?
Lucas: Saffy.
Father Ted: Saffy?
Lucas: Yeah.
Father Ted: You do realize that Saffy is a Regent?
Lucas: Love does funny things to men.
Father Dougal: I think he's gone mad, Ted. I mean, you'd have to be a mad eejit to want to do something like that.

Dougal exits.

Lucas: So, what do you think?
Father Ted: I'll do it. If not for you, then maybe for peace between two raging families.

Ted goes into a fantasy sequence in which he's dancing with many beautiful women in a white tuxedo at a disco. Back to the scene.

Lucas: Oh, thank you, Father! Thank you!
Father Ted: Right, so when should we get on with this?
Lucas: How about two-thirty?
Father Ted: Sounds great. See you then.

Lucas exits.

Father Ted: Oh, God! What have I done!?

__________________________________________________________________


SCENE III

Town sqaure. Eric and Humphrese enter.

Eric Praline: Where the devil is Lucas? Came he not home tonight?
Humphrese: Why are you talking like that?
Eric Praline: I do not know. I'm just reading what's on the manuscript.
Humphrese: Oh, I see.
Eric Praline: Well, where is he?
Humphrese: I'm not sure.
Eric Praline: Stupid bloody bugger.
Humphrese: What makes you say that?
Eric Praline: Well, he runs off with some bird and never returns. For all we know he could've been murdered.
Humphrese: Sounds very unlikely, Eric. Oh yes, that Vyvyan you hate so much wrote him a letter.
Eric Praline: Really? What did the composition denote?
Humphrese: It said something to the effect of I'm going to kill you, you bastard!
Eric Praline: He will do no such thing. Vyvyan is but a drunken cur who takes up matter merely by sneezing.
Humphrese: He's very unattractive as well.
Eric Praline: Well, that goes without say-- (he looks at Humphrese)
Humphrese: What? It's true.
Eric Praline: I knew a man like him once. All I wanted was a bloody fish license--
Humphrese: Oh, not this story again.

Enter Lucas.

Eric Praline: At last, the starring player enters the scene. Where in God's green Earth have you been?
Lucas: Nowhere in particular.
Humphrese: Vyvyan sent you a death threat. We were all rather worried.
Lucas: Ha! A bloke like that fights by the book.
Cheeky Fellow: Ooh! That's good, that's good! A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat!
Lucas: What are you doing here?
Cheeky Fellow: I've just been around, knowhatimean, been around?
Lucas: Are you selling something or what?
Cheeky Fellow: Selling! Very good, very good, eh, eh, eh? Ooh! Wicked, eh? SAY NO MORE!!
Lucas: Oh, shut up!!

Ratbag Woman enters.

Lucas: Hang on. I need to talk to this one.
Humphrese: Lucas seems to be attracted to the unattractive.
Eric Praline: Unattractive!? What's wrong with her?
Humphrese: You really are a looney.

Eric and Humphrese argue incoherently.

Lucas: Are you Saffy's nurse?
Ratbag Woman: Saffy's who!?
Lucas: Nurse! Are you a nurse?
Ratbag Woman: Now, look. If you want to roleplay, it'll cost extra.
Lucas: What!?
Ratbag Woman: Yeah! That'll come to twenty-one quid, sir. That is unless you don't want any of this here.
Lucas: Oh, I'm terribly sorry, I thought you were somebody else!

Lucas pushes her aside. Hyacinth enters.

Hyacinth: Are you Lucas?
Lucas: Yes.
Hyacinth: May I have a word?
Lucas: Are you Saffy's nurse?
Hyacinth: I am. May we discuss this in private?
Lucas: Look, this is as private as it's gonna get, so we might as well get on with it.
Hyacinth: All right. Let me start off by saying how utterly disappointed I am that Saffy is throwing her life away for someone of your class.
Lucas: Hang on a minute. Isn't you surname
Hyacinth: It's pronounced you uncultured swine.
Lucas: What?
Hyacinth: Were you raised on a farm, my dear boy? Bouquet! Bouquet! If you're going to marry my dear Saffy, you should at least be able to speak properly.
Lucas: Look, just tell her to meet me at the church this afternoon at two-thirty...where we will be married.
Hyacinth: I will do it. Just know this. If you lead her into a fool's paradise, you shall have me to deal with. Is that clear?
Lucas: Perfectly clear, madam.
Hyacinth: Until then, goodbye.

Hyacinth exits.

Ratbag Woman: Are you sure you don't want my services?
Lucas: Oh, piss off, you miserable old hag.

__________________________________________________________________


SCENE IV

Courtyard. Saffy is smelling a statue. Hyacinth enters.

Hyacinth: Saffron, what on Earth are you doing?
Saffy: Hyacinth? How is Lucas?
Hyacinth: I'll tell you when you tell me what I want to know.
Saffy: I'm just smelling the flowers.
Hyacinth: Where are your glasses?
Saffy: Lucas said he doesn't like them.
Hyacinth: Honestly, Saffron, if you were going to pick someone like that, they could've at least been properly educated.
Saffy: Look, that doesn't matter. Just tell me what news he brings.
Hyacinth: I mean, the language those boys use. It's no place for a girl like yourself.
Saffy: Hyacinth--
Hyacinth: And their clothing! Oh, dreadful! One of them had the nerve to wear a bloody poncho in the presence of a lady.
Saffy: (firmly) When are we getting married?
Hyacinth: This afternoon at two-thirty. Get dressed.

Saffy walks towards the door and into a wall.

__________________________________________________________________


SCENE V

Church. Father Ted stands at the altar with Father Dougal. He is incredibly nervous.

Father Ted: God, I'm not looking forward to this, Dougal.
Father Dougal: So, wait a minute, Ted. If everything goes wrong, will they kill you?
Father Ted: I don't know, Dougal. I really don't want to think about that right now.
Father Dougal: Wouldn't it be awful if they found out what you were doing and just fired you? Then you'd be out on the street like one of those nature films.
Father Ted: Yes, I know. But there's nothing I can do now.
Father Dougal: Will they murder me too, Ted?
Father Ted: Please shut up, Dougal. Please!

Enter Hyacinth and Saffy.

Hyacinth: Hello, Father Crilly. Father McGuire.
Father Ted: Hello.
Hyacinth: So, where is the man already? It'll be tea time soon.
Father Ted: He hasn't arrived yet, Hyacinth.
Saffy: Hasn't arrived yet?
Father Ted: No, not yet.
Saffy: Oh God, I hope he's all right.
Father Ted: I'm sure he is.
Father Dougal: There are women in the church, Ted!

Dougal frantically exits.

Father Ted: Yes, you best be off yourselves now. Remember, Lucas can't see you before the wedding. Otherwise I'm not legally allowed to marry you.
Saffy: Come on, Hyacinth. Let's go!
Father Ted: That's a statue.
Hyacinth: I'm right here, you stupid girl!

They exit. Lucas and Manuel enter moments later.

Lucas: Hello, Father. I'd like you to meet my manservant Manuel.
Manuel: Que?
Lucas: It's all right, Manuel. I was just introducing you.
Manuel: Que?
Lucas: (gesturing to Manuel) I. Was. Just. Introducing. You. To. Father. Crilly.

Manuel just looks at him, very confused.

Lucas: Oh, never mind. Let's just get on with it.
Father Ted: God Almighty, I've been waiting forever for those words. Right.
Lucas: One thing, though, Father.
Father Ted: Yes?
Lucas: Have you any...advice before I go through with this?
Father Ted: Well, I suppose there's one thing I could tell you. Saffron's a very nice young girl, so when you two decide to consumate your marriage, try not to be too rough on her.
Lucas: No problem, Father.
Father Ted: Right. Music!

End of Act II