ACT III

SCENE I

Town square. Eric and Humphrese are wandering around the stage aimlessly.

Humphrese: Come now, Eric, let's retire. Some of us have boyfriends to get home to.
Eric Praline: Not until I get a fish license!
Humphrese: Are you still looking for a fish license?
Eric Praline: I have been seeking out a fish license since the very dawn of man.

Enter Vyvyan, Neil, Rick, and Mike.

Humphrese: Oh, no. It's Vyvyan and the young ones.
Eric Praline: Sod them, Humphrese. I'm obtaining a fish license by tonight and may Vyvyan strike me down if otherwise.
Vyvyan: Hello, Eric. Is Lucas around?
Eric Praline: I'm sorry?
Rick: Oh dear, I think your ears might need unclogging, Praline!
Vyvyan: Shut up, Rick!
Rick: Right, sorry.
Eric Praline: I apologize, gentleman, but I have no time to converse with the likes of you, for I am in dire need of a fish license.
Rick: Why is he talking like that, Vyvyan? Is he a poof?
Hupmhrese: Are you addressing me, sir?
Rick: No, you snotty-faced git! Him!!
Eric Praline: I'm sorry, do you mean to imply that because of my eccentric vocalities that I have homosexual tendencies?

Pause.

Rick: You are a poof! Look, everybody! Eric Praline is a bloody poofter!
Vyvyan: Stop being so boring, Rick.
Rick: Oh, that's nice isn't it!? That's very nice! Coming from someone as boring as you.
Neil: Look, could we get on with this, man? I'm getting really bored--
Rick: Ooh, dearie me, poor old Neil is getting bored! The most BORING person on the whole entire planet is finally getting a taste of his own medicine.
Mike: Listen, I think we're overdoing the boredom motif in this conversation. I think it's time we extended our vocabulary.
Neil: Look, all I said, Mike, was--
Vyvyan: Yeah, we heard what you said and it was very boring.
Mike: Vyv, I thought we decided that--
Vyvyan: Yes, YOU decided, Michael!!
Neil: Uh, guys!
All: WHAT!?

Eric has since ignored them and is standing at a postal booth.

Eric Praline: Look, it's a bleedin' pet, isn't it!? I got a license for me pet dog Eric and I got a license for me pet cat Eric!

Lucas enters.

Mike: There he is!
Rick: The bastard!
Vyvyan: Oi, Lucas!!
Lucas: Yeah?
Vyvyan: You get my message?
Lucas: No.
Vyvyan: You embarrassed me in front of everyone at that party last night! Are you prepared to make up for it!?
Lucas: Yeah, all right. How much, then?
Vyvyan: Ten pound fifty-- NO, THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT AT ALL!!
Lucas: Well?
Vyvyan: I'm break your bollocks, Lucas!

Vyvyan takes a beer bottle over Rick's head. Rick has been knocked out.

Lucas: (understandably nervous) Now, look here, Vyvyan. Under the normal circumstances I'd fight you, but something has...well, something very...look over there!

Vyvyan turns around. Lucas runs away.

Vyvyan: I don't see anything!
Mike: Uh, Vyvyan--
Vyvyan: Hang on, I'm looking for something!
Neil: Vyvyan--
Vyvyan: What did I just say, Neil!?

Long pause.

Neil: Let me tell a joke: how many blokes does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, me, because I'm the only one who does any work for these guys. Most of the time they're just doing what Vyvyan's doing now!
Vyvyan: Lucas, what are you talking about!? (turns around) BASTARD!!!
Neil: I tried to tell you, Neil!
Vyvyan: Great! I just broke this bottle for nothing. What am I going to do with it now?
Neil: You could always recycle it.

Vyvyan looks at Neil threateningly.

Neil: Or not.
Rick: OH, MY GOD!! I'M STUCK ON THE BLOODY GROUND!! HELP!! HELP!!
Mike: You're not stuck, Rick. Vyvyan's just standing on top of you.
Vyvyan: Come on, Mike! What do I do with this bottle!?

Eric walks over to Humphrese.

Eric Praline: They didn't have a fish license for me, so I had to settle for another half-a-bee license.
Vyvyan: What a brilliant idea.

Vyvyan stabs Eric with the bottle.

Vyvyan: Right, that's taken care of. Let's go down to the pub.

They exit. Lucas reenters.

Lucas: Are they gone?...Eric! What happened?
Eric Praline: What does your perception denote!?
Lucas: Well, it looks like you've been stabbed.
Eric Praline: That's bloody correct! AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE THAT GIT WOULDN'T SELL ME A BLOODY FISH LICENSE!!! A PLAGUE ON BOTH YOUR HOUSES!!!
Lucas: Who's houses?

Eric falls to the ground, dead.

Humphrese: Oh, dear. Are you all right, Eric?

SCENE II

The pub. Neil, Rick, Mike, and Vyvyan enter and sit down. Long pause.

Neil: Well, just as I expected. Totally boring.
Rick: Yes, and the service is terrible too. WAITER!? WAITER!!!?? You! Woman!

The Ratbag Woman walks over to their table.

Vyvyan: It's okay, guys. I stole some money from Rick's bedroom, so I'll get this. What would you like, Rick?
Rick: Coffee, please, Vyvyan.
Vyvyan: This is a pub, they don't do coffee.
Rick: In that case, I don't want anything. I don't think it's very clever or smart to drink, I want to stay in control!
Mike: Water, Vyvyan, in a straight glass.
Neil: I'll have a bag of crisps, please, but not meat flavored because I don't abuse my body in the world I live in.
Ratbag Woman: Hello, Vyvyan!
Vyvyan: Oh. Hello, mum.
Ratbag Woman: Are these your friends?
Vyvyan: Oh, yeah. This is a friend of mine called Mike, this is a friend of mine called Neil, and that's a complete bastard I know called Rick!
Rick: Oh, he's just joshing, we're all TERRIFIC friends!
Ratbag Woman: Oh, he is a bastard, isn't he?

Lucas enters.

Lucas: Vyvyan!
Vyvyan: (irritated) What!?
Lucas: Uh, I shouldn't do this, but since you've offended my honor, I'm afraid I'll have to kill you.

Lucas shoots Vyvyan and exits. Everyone else runs away. Soon after, the Major enters with Humphrese, George, Edina, Basil, and Sybil.

Major: Right, stop this! Stop this! It's silly. Far too silly for my liking. Now, who started this?
Humphrese: Well, Vyvyan here killed your good friend Eric Praline, then Lucas, who looks very sexy with a gun I might add, killed Vyvyan.
Edina: WHAT!? YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT SWINE KILLED OUR DEAR NEPHEW VYVYAN!?
George: My God, Edina, that's terrible! Do you know any other nephews?
Sybil: Major, please don't be too hard on him. He's not himself lately.
Basil: Sybil, you're only getting in the way.
Sybil: Well, I don't see you doing anything about this, Basil.
Basil: Major, I hope this appalling incident won't stop you from ever visiting Fawlty Towers. I can assure he shall be fired immediately without hesitation.
Major: Not necessary, I'm afraid. At the risk of not being silly, I will not execute Lucas. You wouldn't believe how silly executioners have gotten recently. Instead, Lucas shall be banished!

SCENE III

Parochial House. Ted and Dougal are playing Chutes and Ladders. Jack is sitting in his armchair.

Father Ted: Dougal, just out of curiosity, if you had three wishes, what would they be?
Father Dougal: I don't want anything, really.
Father Ted: Really?
Father Dougal: Yeah.
Father Ted: Are you sure?
Father Dougal: I am, Ted.
Father Ted: You wouldn't say...want a big car to drive around in?
Father Dougal: Oh wow! That'd be fantastic. Driving around in a big car. Yeah that'd be one, oh brilliant.
Father Ted: And what would be your second wish?
Father Dougal: Ah no, that'd be fine. The car would be fine.
Father Ted: You wouldn't like to be a rock star or something, like Elvis?
Father Dougal: Oh God, yeah. I'd love to be a rock star like Elvis or something. Hoo that'd be brilliant.
Father Ted: So eh, your third wish, if you had one?
Father Dougal: Ah no, that'd be fine. If I had a big car and I was Elvis, that'd be grand.
Father Ted: You wouldn't like say mmmm.....this cup?
Father Dougal: Oh God, yeah! I'd love that cup. If I had that cup and I was Elvis and I had a big car that'd be fantastic.
Father Ted: You've never had much of an imagination, have you Dougal?
Father Dougal: No, you're right there Ted.

Lucas enters.

Lucas: Oh, God. I'm doomed! Doomed!
Father Ted: Are you all right there, Lucas?
Lucas: I've just received word that I've been banished!
Father Ted: Banished!? Why would you be banished?
Lucas: I killed Vyvyan!
Father Ted: What did you do that for!?
Lucas: He killed me best mate. I acted on impulses.
Father Dougal: He's right there, Ted. It's all over the telly.
Father Ted: But I just married you too! Why did you just decide to throw it all away!?
Lucas: Impulses, Father! And what's worse is I was actually starting to like her. I think I'm gonna miss her now. I've also got a job and everything. I'm such a stupid bloody bugger!
Father Ted: That's a bit of an understatement-- I mean, I mean, not you're not! There are much more foolish people in the world than yourself.
Father Dougal: Look, Ted! I found my joke telephone. Do you remember, Ted? The joke telephone.
Father Ted: Dougal, for the last time, it is a dog toy!
Father Dougal: No, Ted!! It's a joke telephone!! You give it to someone and they try to make a call with it.
Father Ted: Look, never mind that now! Well Lucas, I'd hate to see you go so soon, but I don't want to be arrested for harboring a known criminal like yourself, so if you wouldn't mind--

Hyacinth enters.

Hyacinth: There you are! I've looked every yard of this city for you. Why aren't you comforting Saffron in her torment?
Lucas: Well--
Hyacinth: I knew you were trouble the second she told me about you. Stop crying and comfort the one who needs it.
Father Ted: She's right, you know. Why, I--

Father Jack knocks out Father Ted with a brick.

Father Jack: I LOVE MY BRICK!!

SCENE IV

Corridor. Lord Flasheart, George, and Blackadder are having a conversation.

Lord Flasheart: So, where is this amazing bird I've heard so much bloody hype about!?
George: Well, look, Flash, she's still in mourning for the death of her cousin. So if you wouldn't mind waiting a few days--
Lord Flasheart: I'm not gonna wait a few days, you rubber desk johnny!! Send the bitch over here right now or I'll find your wife and give her something to hang her towels on!!
George: Look, I know you're disappointed, but you know teenage girls.
Lord Flasheart: Know them!? I bloody shag them! WOOF WOOF!!
Blackadder: Are you sure you want this man to marry your daughter?
George: Of course, I think I bally well know what I'm doing, Blackadder. God, I'm sick of you treating me like I'm some kind of a thickie. It's not me that's thick, it's you. And you know why, because I'm bally Lord Regent and you're a...serving man!
Lord Flasheart: Right, well I've got to fly. Ten million chicks, only one Flasheart.

Flasheart exits.

George: Right, now go fetch me those wedding invitations, Mr. Thickie-Black-Thickie-Adder-Thickie.

George exits.

Blackadder: Why certainly, you stupid walrus-faced git.

SCENE V

Courtyard. Lucas and Saffy are exchanging final goodbyes.

Lucas: Well, that was fun, wasn't it? But now I've got to go. I'd just like to say I'll think about you everyday of my natural life. And there is nothing in this world I will miss than you.
Saffy: Oh, Lucas! Will I ever see you again?
Lucas: I'm sure you will, darling. I'm sure will you.
George: (offstage) Hip hip, tally-ho, and Bernard's your uncle!
Lucas: I've got to go. Cheers!

Lucas exits. Saffy wipes a tear from her eye. George and Edina enter.

George: Ah, still mourning for Vyvyan, I see?
Saffy: Yes, Father.
George: Good. Now try on your new wedding dress. We've got to rehearse.
Saffy: I can't.
George: What!?
Saffy: I can't marry Flasheart!
Edina: Come on, darling, help me out here, please.
Saffy: I'm sorry, mum. I can't do it.
George: Now, listen to me, Saffron! This queer behavior all began at that party and I'd like to know what's going on! First you spend those countless hours on that balcony talking to yourself, and now this! You will marry Flasheart next week or you can find yourself a new daddy. And another thing, why is it that no matter how many millions of pairs of socks I buy, I never seem to have any!?
Saffy: Father--
George: They just disappear. Honestly, you'd think someone was coming in here, stealing the damn things, and then selling them off!

Everyone stares at Blackadder, who has just entered.

Blackadder: Impossible, sir. Only you and I have access to your socks.
George: Yes, I suppose you're right. Still, for me, socks are like sex. Tons of it about and I never seem to get any.

George and Edina exit. Baldrick enters.

Blackadder: Ah, Baldrick, do you have the invitations?
Baldrick: The what?
Blackadder: The invitations.
Baldrick: You mean the small papery things tied up with string?
Blackadder: Yes Baldrick, the invitations for the wedding.
Baldrick: So, you're asking for the small papery things tied up with string for the big white thing coming up next week?
Blackadder: Yes Baldrick, I am. And if you don't answer, then the booted bony thing with five toes at the end of my leg will soon connect sharply with the soft, dangly collection of objects in your trousers. Now, for the last time, Baldrick--
Baldrick: Oh, I forgot the bloody invitations.
Blackadder: Oh, God. If you want something done properly, kill Baldrick before you start.
Baldrick: What's wrong with her?
Blackadder: She has to marry Lord Flasheart.
Baldrick: And she don't want to?
Blackadder: No.
Baldrick: Do not despair, Saffy. I have a cunning plan to get you out of this.
Saffy: What?
Baldrick: Well, you go up to your Father, say you'll marry him, and jump out of the window.
Blackadder: Baldrick, even for your standards, that's pathetic!!
Saffy: I know! I shall visit Father Crilly! He'll know what to do.

Saffy exits.

End of Act III.