- - - - - - - - - -
The First Character.br The Case of the Fanfiction's Author.br Part I.
Own do I not the characters of Shin Seiki Evangelion, who unfortunately are all legal property of Gainax, Project E, and Anno Hideaki. Please do not sue me, though if you must, I have to tell you: It's Seele, dammit! They ain't got nothin' on me!
I urge you to not read this unless you have seen the entire series as well as the End of Evangelion. Please be aware that this fanfic involves various dramatic themes such as suicide, depression, violence, mild and brief language, and all of that other heart-warming stuff. Despite the previous warning, this fanfic also contains a heaping chunk of WAFF. I tried to keep the characters as realistic and in character as possible, so please forgive me for not making Asuka terribly kind in the beginning or picturing Rei as a giggly freak obsessed with winning Shinji.
I'd like to give many thanks to my boyfriend, of course, who is indirectly my muse and inspiration, and also to my good friend Carmen who re-sent me this fanfic after I lost the file on my computer. Finally, some Japanese terms are used sparingly for realism throughout the fanfic, and translations are included at the end of each chapter. Stalker-like praise or profoundly vulgar criticism can be directed to octoberfirefiy@aol.com, if you would rather not comment. Either is welcome, and I don't bite (as long as you find me after I have eaten).
And now, without further ado, I present my very first fanfic in the world! Please read fanfics in a well-lit room and be careful not to sit too close to the monitor.. oh, sorry. Wrong GAINAX show.
- - - - - - - - - -
In Other Words..br 01 : Defeat and the Acknowledgment of a Facade
- - - - - - - - - -
Something had begun to consume me; it was more eager than confidence and more willing than desperation. I was arrested by some perverted sadism as I let out a cruel grimace, my hand plunging through the core of one Unit, it's tongue sliding out of its mouth in a way that made me disgusted, and gripping the core of another.
I made a hastened glance to my right where I saw the milliseconds of my internal battery power dwindling rapidly, my seconds declining until they were two digits.
Fifteen seconds.
But everything was okay: I was invincible with my AT Field. I had defeated seven Units in less than five minutes, and there were only two remaining.
At that moment, a flicker of silver behind me seized my attention and I turned around, sneering confidently as I lifted my hand to stop an Eva's shield from assaulting me.
Mama would protect me.
I was invincible.
Suddenly, the shield became more slender and twisted into a smaller version of the Lancea Longinus. I recoiled in my seat as I let out a soft cry of surprise, a split second before it raped my AT Field in seconds and plunged through the body of my Eva.
In the midst of my scream, the power of my internal battery gave out.
0:00:00.
The interiour of the entry plug darkened.. or was that only me?
I was screaming hysterically, whimpering as I could feel brain fluids dripping out from my wound. I grasped the controls and pulled them incessantly, hoping for my beloved Unit to respond.
But I was powerless.
I brought both of my hands to my eye, applying pressure as if anything would stop the bleeding. I could die in here, and nobody would care. Nobody would notice.
Mama, why didn't you protect me?
Why didn't you protect me?
Why didn't anyone protect me?
Shinji.. my sweet Invincible Shinji..
Don't you care enough to save me?
He would protect her..
But not me.
"SCHEIß!"
Something was happening.. what's happening? I could barely see at all and my left eye was completely decapitated, my right blurred with the shaming sting of tears. My body felt as if it were being ripped apart..
I forced myself to open my eyes..
Or really, my eye..
I faintly saw white, winged creatures. Were they angels?
But no, they were the Units. I had defeated them all. I had defeated them all. I had killed them. They were dead, they were dead weren't they?
They were eating me!
"Stop it!"
Mama, protect me!
"Stop!"
Shinji!
"Dammit!"
Wonder Girl, stupid bitch!
"Tasukete! Shinji! Tasukete! TASUKETE!"
I felt pieces of my body being pulled away, stretched, and then being torn off. Then it stopped.
My body was bleeding profusely, and I pressed my eye and slipped my hand over my stomach to stop the bleeding.
But blood was everywhere..
My arms were bleeding, and I had lost one leg. Or was that my Eva? Everything was painful, but they had stopped. Everything was silent.
Everything hurt..
God damn everything..
Mama was letting me die.
"I'll kill you.."
For one moment, I had turned to that bitch, that lifeless doll, for help.
"I'll kill you.."
Shinji had refused to help me.
"I'll kill you.."
I forced myself to sit up slightly and trembled as I lifted my hand at what I could see of my enemies as they mocked me, flying away as if I couldn't fight.
"I'll kill you.."
The interiour of the Eva had brightened again; had it activated? Did I have power?
"I'll kill you.. I'll kill you.."
It meant that I had a chance.
"I'll kill you.."
I could defeat them.
"I'll kill you.."
I could win.
"I'll kill you.."
I could beat everyone.
"I'll kill you.."
Mama would notice me.
"I'll kill you.."
Wonder Girl would be second place.
"I'll kill you.."
Shinji..
"I'll kill you.."
Shinji would..
"I'll kill you.. I'll kill you..""
He would care ab --
My arm split in half.
"SHINJI!"
- - - - - - - - - -
The Beginning of Instrumentality.br
The Second Character.br The Case of Asuka Langley Sohryuu.br Part I.
There is another.
A foreign voice. A frightening voice.
"You seek your own value in the perception of others."
Shut up..
"Are you afraid of being alone?"
Shut up.. shut up, God dammit!
Separation Anxiety.br Affection Behaviour.
Where am I? Why am I alive? There is darkness. Things come into perception. I am seated. I am in my yellow summer dress. I can see.. I have both of my eyes!
There is the presence of someone else behind me.
Ikari Shinji.
"What do you want, Asuka?"
His voice is soft, comforting. "I want you to stay the same."
"Why?"
"Because.." Because there is a feeling that is not tangible or explicable for you. Because I sense that you feel something similar. Because if you change, you might leave me.
"Why?"
"Because.."
"Why?"
"Just because, dumm Kopf!"
"Are you afraid of change?"
"I'm not afraid of anything."
"Are you afraid of loneliness?" His voice had become callous.
"No. I want to live by myself. I don't need anybody else!"
Do you need..br your mother?
- - - - - - - - - -
I was to become the pilot of Evangelion Unit 02, the Second Children. I was to be the most important protector of mankind, and everyone would look at me. Everyone would respect me, and care about me. They would need me to fight for them, or else they would be killed.
"Mama, I'm going to be an Eva Pilot," the childhood Asuka said happily in her high-pitched voice.
I looked at myself from a distance, this small and fragile six-year-old girl running eagerly to see her mother. I wanted to stop her -- I knew what would happen. This fairy tale was familiar.
"I'm going to be the number one protector of mankind! Everyone will like me, Mama! I won't have to be lonely anymore! I'll be okay, even without Papa," she had exclaimed jubilantly.
Lonely? I felt a presence again, gazing at the same pathetic image of my childhood self.
"I said that before, but I am still lonely. Mama killed herself.. she was hanging from the ceiling."
"That is loneliness?" I felt his Prussian blue eyes staring coldly at me. Shinji, why are you angry at me?
"I don't know. I guess so. It's painful."
"What is pain?"
"I don't know."
"What is pain?"
"Pain is not being the best."
"What is pain?"
"Pain is caring for something and not having your affection being returned."
"What is pain?"
"Pain is knowing that even when you are your best, it is not enough."
"What is pain?"
"Pain is knowing that you are needed and noticed by nobody."
There was another presence behind me, to my left.
"If you are not noticed by anyone, you do not exist. You are formed by the perception of others."
I let out a deprecating laugh as I turned around to stare at her. "I know I've hit rock bottom when a wind-up doll is giving me advice."
"I am not a doll."
"You are a doll! You do whatever that sick-minded Gendo or Shinji says," I smirked happily, and then turned to Shinji. "Does that make you happy, Shinji? Knowing that there's someone who will do anything for you? Someone who can fulfill your little jerk-off fantasies for you? You pervert!"
Ayanami disappeared, and I found myself standing in Misato's kitchen with Shinji.
"Why do you call me a pervert?" Shinji questioned, his eyes narrowed with scrutiny.
I opened my mouth to respond in an angry tone, but there was another me, beside me, that answered for me.
"I'm covering up for my own insecurities. I want you, Shinji. I want to be touched and fondled by you. Rape me, Shinji! Let me know I mean something to you! I will do anything for you: just need me!" Suddenly I gasped as disturbing green images flickered in my mind of Shinji standing in front of partially nude version of myself, his hand roughly gripping himself as he stared at my chest.
"Shut up, you stupid perverted Doll!" I lunged for the image but she disappeared along with the familiar kitchen setting, which was replaced with a view of a torn monkey doll, its head ripped off slightly so the stuffing protruded.
A wareness dawned that Shinji was near me still. "Why do you hate dolls?"
"Because they're stupid and worthless! They have no emotions and they just do whatever everyone else says."
"Does that frighten you?"
"No, they're just stupid! Why would I be afraid of a dumb doll!?"
I then saw my childhood self pick up the ragged doll and wrap her arms around it. "Because Mama wanted us to be her doll. She wanted us to go to Heaven with her."
"But I refused. I am not a doll!"
"We refused.. that's why Mama got a new Asuka, but she hated even that one and she killed it." My childhood self dropped the molested doll onto the ground and disappeared.
"I am not a doll!"
Ayanami appeared next to the doll, her coldly indifferent stare currently residing on her countenance.
"As I am not a doll."
"You are a doll, stupid bitch!" I turned to face Shinji and I smiled fakely, "Do you like playing with your little perfect dolly?"
"I am not a doll," Ayanami unenthusiastically repeated.
"Shut up, doll!" I grabbed Wonder Girl by her neck and ripped off her head with ease, letting it fall to the ground as stuffing was revealed in her wounds. "Hah, now you and that stupid monkey look even more alike."
"Are you jealous of dolls?" Shinji asked in his monotone voice.
"Why would I be? Who wants to be a submissive object with no soul?"
"Dolls are made in man's image, but their flaws are perfected."
Another soft voice came from below me: it was the detached head of Ayanami speaking. "Just as Eva is made in man's image, designed to fulfill Instrumentality which will perfect man's flaws."
"Hmph! When I start getting lessons from Shinji and Wonder Girl, I know I've hit rock bottom!"
"Are you jealous of dolls?" Shinji asked once more.
"No. I'm not."
- - - - - - - - - -
I found myself in a dank apartment with unpainted walls, bloodied bandages shoved haphazardly into boxes with an unmade bed near the window and a bureau holding an empty beaker. Shinji was in front of the dresser, wearing a pair of remotely familiar glasses. Was this another figment of my imagination?
He turned around then and saw me, gasping and blushing slightly as he fell back gently.
"Surprised? You should be! The most popular girl in school is talki--"
A nude Ayanami brushed past me, towards Shinji, leaning forward against him. "Ugh! You slut!" But my voice was unheard, as I was merely an observer.
Shinji tripped (accidentally, I am sure) and both of the teenagers lost their balance, resulting in Wonder Girl falling onto the floor and Shinji landing on top of her, staring directly at her, one hand (accidentally, once again, I'm sure) landing on top of her right breast.
"Agh! You two perverts, this is so indecent!"
Suddenly Shinji acknowledged me and turned to face me. "Or does it only anger you because it is Rei, and not you?"
"Why would that anger me? A spineless coward and a doll! You two make a perfect match."
"I am not a coward."
"Oh yeah? Prove it."
We were in the kitchen once again, and Ayanami was thankfully gone. Shinji was walking towards me and he paused momentarily as he positioned his face in front of mine, closing his eyes slightly as I blushed.
"Stop breathing.. it tickles me," he whispered in a soft voice before he slipped his two fingers over my nose and squeezed it so I could not breathe, leaning forward to give me a deep kiss.
I suddenly pulled back and slapped him.
"Does not being in control scare you?"
"No! Why would it?"
"By compromising your power, you lose your importance and respect in the perception of others. Does not being the best scare you?"
"I am the best!"
"Does being second best to Wonder Girl scare you?"
"I am the best, dammit!"
The familiar school setting during gym class. The three Stooges were intently eyeing the girls above who were swimming in the pool. For some reason, I was dressed in the boys gym uniform, standing beside Shinji who did not acknowledge me at all, as he stared up with Kensuke and Touji.
The two latter suddenly interrupted him. "What were you staring at!? Ayanami?" Shinji blushed immediately in a way that would have made my heart flutter if it did not make it break. "Aa-aa, no! I mean.."
"C'mon, you can tell us!"
"Well.. I guess so.."
"What exactly? Ayanami's thighs? Ayanami's boobs!? Ayanami's.. calves," the two said in unison with a wistful tone. Suddenly, Shinji laughed and responded, "All of them. She is hot, I swear. Did I tell you once when I had to deliver her ID card.. to her house?" He was grinning in a sly way as his two friends began to cry in anticipation. "Yes, tell us again, teacher!"
"I walked into her house, accidentally of course, right when she walked out of the shower. Completely naked, water dripping off her body.. anyway, she walked over to me and pulls me on top of her, forcing me to squeeze her.."
His two friends were sobbing as they mentally worshiped their mentor.
"You pervert! That's not what happened! This is unreal!"
My surroundings melted away into black, Shinji standing in front of me. "This is what could have happened. This is another possibility of something I could have said."
"But.. no, you're not like that, Shinji.. I know you're not."
Another Shinji appeared next to him, wearing his gym school uniform. "How can you be sure? There are a million Shinji, and you only know one."
"But Shinji would never say that!"
The second Shinji smirked and shrugged, saying, "Maybe it just scares you that I like another girl instead of you."
"I.."
My voice betrayed me as it cracked. "What would you find in that stupid DOLL?"
Ayanami appeared wearing her teal school uniform, but it could not have been her. Her white blouse was unbuttoned three times, revealing that she was not wearing anything underneath. Immediately the second Shinji began to ogle her and burst out into tears as she walked behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist, pressing herself against him as she looked up to meet my gaze.
"Maybe he wants someone who isn't such a prude and doesn't have such a strange phobia against 'perverts.'"
Another Ayanami and Shinji appeared, both in their plug suits, silently conversing in front of the orange Eva 00 and smiling softly at one another before the former turned to me and said, "Maybe he wants someone who doesn't yell and insult him all the time."
Then, everything dropped into complete black and I was left alone once more, sitting in my seat with my head buried in my lap as I sobbed silently to myself, a puddle of red surrounding me as my whimpers were muted by the overwhelming dark..
- - - - - - - - - -
Foreign Terms
Scheiß; shyce, somewhat vulgar curse, "shit," German. Tasukete; tahs keh teh, help me, Japanese. Dumm Kopf; doom kopf, simpleton. Literally, dumb/silly head, German.
- - - - - - - - - -
The First Character.br The Case of the Fanfiction's Author.br Part I.
Own do I not the characters of Shin Seiki Evangelion, who unfortunately are all legal property of Gainax, Project E, and Anno Hideaki. Please do not sue me, though if you must, I have to tell you: It's Seele, dammit! They ain't got nothin' on me!
I urge you to not read this unless you have seen the entire series as well as the End of Evangelion. Please be aware that this fanfic involves various dramatic themes such as suicide, depression, violence, mild and brief language, and all of that other heart-warming stuff. Despite the previous warning, this fanfic also contains a heaping chunk of WAFF. I tried to keep the characters as realistic and in character as possible, so please forgive me for not making Asuka terribly kind in the beginning or picturing Rei as a giggly freak obsessed with winning Shinji.
I'd like to give many thanks to my boyfriend, of course, who is indirectly my muse and inspiration, and also to my good friend Carmen who re-sent me this fanfic after I lost the file on my computer. Finally, some Japanese terms are used sparingly for realism throughout the fanfic, and translations are included at the end of each chapter. Stalker-like praise or profoundly vulgar criticism can be directed to octoberfirefiy@aol.com, if you would rather not comment. Either is welcome, and I don't bite (as long as you find me after I have eaten).
And now, without further ado, I present my very first fanfic in the world! Please read fanfics in a well-lit room and be careful not to sit too close to the monitor.. oh, sorry. Wrong GAINAX show.
- - - - - - - - - -
In Other Words..br 01 : Defeat and the Acknowledgment of a Facade
- - - - - - - - - -
Something had begun to consume me; it was more eager than confidence and more willing than desperation. I was arrested by some perverted sadism as I let out a cruel grimace, my hand plunging through the core of one Unit, it's tongue sliding out of its mouth in a way that made me disgusted, and gripping the core of another.
I made a hastened glance to my right where I saw the milliseconds of my internal battery power dwindling rapidly, my seconds declining until they were two digits.
Fifteen seconds.
But everything was okay: I was invincible with my AT Field. I had defeated seven Units in less than five minutes, and there were only two remaining.
At that moment, a flicker of silver behind me seized my attention and I turned around, sneering confidently as I lifted my hand to stop an Eva's shield from assaulting me.
Mama would protect me.
I was invincible.
Suddenly, the shield became more slender and twisted into a smaller version of the Lancea Longinus. I recoiled in my seat as I let out a soft cry of surprise, a split second before it raped my AT Field in seconds and plunged through the body of my Eva.
In the midst of my scream, the power of my internal battery gave out.
0:00:00.
The interiour of the entry plug darkened.. or was that only me?
I was screaming hysterically, whimpering as I could feel brain fluids dripping out from my wound. I grasped the controls and pulled them incessantly, hoping for my beloved Unit to respond.
But I was powerless.
I brought both of my hands to my eye, applying pressure as if anything would stop the bleeding. I could die in here, and nobody would care. Nobody would notice.
Mama, why didn't you protect me?
Why didn't you protect me?
Why didn't anyone protect me?
Shinji.. my sweet Invincible Shinji..
Don't you care enough to save me?
He would protect her..
But not me.
"SCHEIß!"
Something was happening.. what's happening? I could barely see at all and my left eye was completely decapitated, my right blurred with the shaming sting of tears. My body felt as if it were being ripped apart..
I forced myself to open my eyes..
Or really, my eye..
I faintly saw white, winged creatures. Were they angels?
But no, they were the Units. I had defeated them all. I had defeated them all. I had killed them. They were dead, they were dead weren't they?
They were eating me!
"Stop it!"
Mama, protect me!
"Stop!"
Shinji!
"Dammit!"
Wonder Girl, stupid bitch!
"Tasukete! Shinji! Tasukete! TASUKETE!"
I felt pieces of my body being pulled away, stretched, and then being torn off. Then it stopped.
My body was bleeding profusely, and I pressed my eye and slipped my hand over my stomach to stop the bleeding.
But blood was everywhere..
My arms were bleeding, and I had lost one leg. Or was that my Eva? Everything was painful, but they had stopped. Everything was silent.
Everything hurt..
God damn everything..
Mama was letting me die.
"I'll kill you.."
For one moment, I had turned to that bitch, that lifeless doll, for help.
"I'll kill you.."
Shinji had refused to help me.
"I'll kill you.."
I forced myself to sit up slightly and trembled as I lifted my hand at what I could see of my enemies as they mocked me, flying away as if I couldn't fight.
"I'll kill you.."
The interiour of the Eva had brightened again; had it activated? Did I have power?
"I'll kill you.. I'll kill you.."
It meant that I had a chance.
"I'll kill you.."
I could defeat them.
"I'll kill you.."
I could win.
"I'll kill you.."
I could beat everyone.
"I'll kill you.."
Mama would notice me.
"I'll kill you.."
Wonder Girl would be second place.
"I'll kill you.."
Shinji..
"I'll kill you.."
Shinji would..
"I'll kill you.. I'll kill you..""
He would care ab --
My arm split in half.
"SHINJI!"
- - - - - - - - - -
The Beginning of Instrumentality.br
The Second Character.br The Case of Asuka Langley Sohryuu.br Part I.
There is another.
A foreign voice. A frightening voice.
"You seek your own value in the perception of others."
Shut up..
"Are you afraid of being alone?"
Shut up.. shut up, God dammit!
Separation Anxiety.br Affection Behaviour.
Where am I? Why am I alive? There is darkness. Things come into perception. I am seated. I am in my yellow summer dress. I can see.. I have both of my eyes!
There is the presence of someone else behind me.
Ikari Shinji.
"What do you want, Asuka?"
His voice is soft, comforting. "I want you to stay the same."
"Why?"
"Because.." Because there is a feeling that is not tangible or explicable for you. Because I sense that you feel something similar. Because if you change, you might leave me.
"Why?"
"Because.."
"Why?"
"Just because, dumm Kopf!"
"Are you afraid of change?"
"I'm not afraid of anything."
"Are you afraid of loneliness?" His voice had become callous.
"No. I want to live by myself. I don't need anybody else!"
Do you need..br your mother?
- - - - - - - - - -
I was to become the pilot of Evangelion Unit 02, the Second Children. I was to be the most important protector of mankind, and everyone would look at me. Everyone would respect me, and care about me. They would need me to fight for them, or else they would be killed.
"Mama, I'm going to be an Eva Pilot," the childhood Asuka said happily in her high-pitched voice.
I looked at myself from a distance, this small and fragile six-year-old girl running eagerly to see her mother. I wanted to stop her -- I knew what would happen. This fairy tale was familiar.
"I'm going to be the number one protector of mankind! Everyone will like me, Mama! I won't have to be lonely anymore! I'll be okay, even without Papa," she had exclaimed jubilantly.
Lonely? I felt a presence again, gazing at the same pathetic image of my childhood self.
"I said that before, but I am still lonely. Mama killed herself.. she was hanging from the ceiling."
"That is loneliness?" I felt his Prussian blue eyes staring coldly at me. Shinji, why are you angry at me?
"I don't know. I guess so. It's painful."
"What is pain?"
"I don't know."
"What is pain?"
"Pain is not being the best."
"What is pain?"
"Pain is caring for something and not having your affection being returned."
"What is pain?"
"Pain is knowing that even when you are your best, it is not enough."
"What is pain?"
"Pain is knowing that you are needed and noticed by nobody."
There was another presence behind me, to my left.
"If you are not noticed by anyone, you do not exist. You are formed by the perception of others."
I let out a deprecating laugh as I turned around to stare at her. "I know I've hit rock bottom when a wind-up doll is giving me advice."
"I am not a doll."
"You are a doll! You do whatever that sick-minded Gendo or Shinji says," I smirked happily, and then turned to Shinji. "Does that make you happy, Shinji? Knowing that there's someone who will do anything for you? Someone who can fulfill your little jerk-off fantasies for you? You pervert!"
Ayanami disappeared, and I found myself standing in Misato's kitchen with Shinji.
"Why do you call me a pervert?" Shinji questioned, his eyes narrowed with scrutiny.
I opened my mouth to respond in an angry tone, but there was another me, beside me, that answered for me.
"I'm covering up for my own insecurities. I want you, Shinji. I want to be touched and fondled by you. Rape me, Shinji! Let me know I mean something to you! I will do anything for you: just need me!" Suddenly I gasped as disturbing green images flickered in my mind of Shinji standing in front of partially nude version of myself, his hand roughly gripping himself as he stared at my chest.
"Shut up, you stupid perverted Doll!" I lunged for the image but she disappeared along with the familiar kitchen setting, which was replaced with a view of a torn monkey doll, its head ripped off slightly so the stuffing protruded.
A wareness dawned that Shinji was near me still. "Why do you hate dolls?"
"Because they're stupid and worthless! They have no emotions and they just do whatever everyone else says."
"Does that frighten you?"
"No, they're just stupid! Why would I be afraid of a dumb doll!?"
I then saw my childhood self pick up the ragged doll and wrap her arms around it. "Because Mama wanted us to be her doll. She wanted us to go to Heaven with her."
"But I refused. I am not a doll!"
"We refused.. that's why Mama got a new Asuka, but she hated even that one and she killed it." My childhood self dropped the molested doll onto the ground and disappeared.
"I am not a doll!"
Ayanami appeared next to the doll, her coldly indifferent stare currently residing on her countenance.
"As I am not a doll."
"You are a doll, stupid bitch!" I turned to face Shinji and I smiled fakely, "Do you like playing with your little perfect dolly?"
"I am not a doll," Ayanami unenthusiastically repeated.
"Shut up, doll!" I grabbed Wonder Girl by her neck and ripped off her head with ease, letting it fall to the ground as stuffing was revealed in her wounds. "Hah, now you and that stupid monkey look even more alike."
"Are you jealous of dolls?" Shinji asked in his monotone voice.
"Why would I be? Who wants to be a submissive object with no soul?"
"Dolls are made in man's image, but their flaws are perfected."
Another soft voice came from below me: it was the detached head of Ayanami speaking. "Just as Eva is made in man's image, designed to fulfill Instrumentality which will perfect man's flaws."
"Hmph! When I start getting lessons from Shinji and Wonder Girl, I know I've hit rock bottom!"
"Are you jealous of dolls?" Shinji asked once more.
"No. I'm not."
- - - - - - - - - -
I found myself in a dank apartment with unpainted walls, bloodied bandages shoved haphazardly into boxes with an unmade bed near the window and a bureau holding an empty beaker. Shinji was in front of the dresser, wearing a pair of remotely familiar glasses. Was this another figment of my imagination?
He turned around then and saw me, gasping and blushing slightly as he fell back gently.
"Surprised? You should be! The most popular girl in school is talki--"
A nude Ayanami brushed past me, towards Shinji, leaning forward against him. "Ugh! You slut!" But my voice was unheard, as I was merely an observer.
Shinji tripped (accidentally, I am sure) and both of the teenagers lost their balance, resulting in Wonder Girl falling onto the floor and Shinji landing on top of her, staring directly at her, one hand (accidentally, once again, I'm sure) landing on top of her right breast.
"Agh! You two perverts, this is so indecent!"
Suddenly Shinji acknowledged me and turned to face me. "Or does it only anger you because it is Rei, and not you?"
"Why would that anger me? A spineless coward and a doll! You two make a perfect match."
"I am not a coward."
"Oh yeah? Prove it."
We were in the kitchen once again, and Ayanami was thankfully gone. Shinji was walking towards me and he paused momentarily as he positioned his face in front of mine, closing his eyes slightly as I blushed.
"Stop breathing.. it tickles me," he whispered in a soft voice before he slipped his two fingers over my nose and squeezed it so I could not breathe, leaning forward to give me a deep kiss.
I suddenly pulled back and slapped him.
"Does not being in control scare you?"
"No! Why would it?"
"By compromising your power, you lose your importance and respect in the perception of others. Does not being the best scare you?"
"I am the best!"
"Does being second best to Wonder Girl scare you?"
"I am the best, dammit!"
The familiar school setting during gym class. The three Stooges were intently eyeing the girls above who were swimming in the pool. For some reason, I was dressed in the boys gym uniform, standing beside Shinji who did not acknowledge me at all, as he stared up with Kensuke and Touji.
The two latter suddenly interrupted him. "What were you staring at!? Ayanami?" Shinji blushed immediately in a way that would have made my heart flutter if it did not make it break. "Aa-aa, no! I mean.."
"C'mon, you can tell us!"
"Well.. I guess so.."
"What exactly? Ayanami's thighs? Ayanami's boobs!? Ayanami's.. calves," the two said in unison with a wistful tone. Suddenly, Shinji laughed and responded, "All of them. She is hot, I swear. Did I tell you once when I had to deliver her ID card.. to her house?" He was grinning in a sly way as his two friends began to cry in anticipation. "Yes, tell us again, teacher!"
"I walked into her house, accidentally of course, right when she walked out of the shower. Completely naked, water dripping off her body.. anyway, she walked over to me and pulls me on top of her, forcing me to squeeze her.."
His two friends were sobbing as they mentally worshiped their mentor.
"You pervert! That's not what happened! This is unreal!"
My surroundings melted away into black, Shinji standing in front of me. "This is what could have happened. This is another possibility of something I could have said."
"But.. no, you're not like that, Shinji.. I know you're not."
Another Shinji appeared next to him, wearing his gym school uniform. "How can you be sure? There are a million Shinji, and you only know one."
"But Shinji would never say that!"
The second Shinji smirked and shrugged, saying, "Maybe it just scares you that I like another girl instead of you."
"I.."
My voice betrayed me as it cracked. "What would you find in that stupid DOLL?"
Ayanami appeared wearing her teal school uniform, but it could not have been her. Her white blouse was unbuttoned three times, revealing that she was not wearing anything underneath. Immediately the second Shinji began to ogle her and burst out into tears as she walked behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist, pressing herself against him as she looked up to meet my gaze.
"Maybe he wants someone who isn't such a prude and doesn't have such a strange phobia against 'perverts.'"
Another Ayanami and Shinji appeared, both in their plug suits, silently conversing in front of the orange Eva 00 and smiling softly at one another before the former turned to me and said, "Maybe he wants someone who doesn't yell and insult him all the time."
Then, everything dropped into complete black and I was left alone once more, sitting in my seat with my head buried in my lap as I sobbed silently to myself, a puddle of red surrounding me as my whimpers were muted by the overwhelming dark..
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Foreign Terms
Scheiß; shyce, somewhat vulgar curse, "shit," German. Tasukete; tahs keh teh, help me, Japanese. Dumm Kopf; doom kopf, simpleton. Literally, dumb/silly head, German.
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