- - - - - - - - - -
In Other Words..br 02 : The Mask Breaking and the Ignorance of His Profession
- - - - - - - - - -
The Second Character.br The Case of Asuka Langley Sohryuu.br Part II.
I saw myself lying on the floor facing the wall with Hikari beside me lying on her back, looking directly up at the ceiling. "I hate myself.. I probably won't be able to pilot Eva Unit 02 again. That stupid bitch rescued me. That bitch rescued me!" The other me curled up again into a more fetal position.
"Asuka, I think.. I think you could do anything you want right now, and I wouldn't say a thing."
I saw myself open her eyes and roll over to Hikari, hesitating for a moment and then getting up so she was on all fours above her and then leaning down to kiss her deeply. Her friend was startled but did not refuse before she returned the kiss with equal fervor, wrapping her arms about her waist and pulling her down against her as the two girls passionately kissed.
"As.. Asuka, is th-this what you want?" Hikari asked nervously, as the two teenagers paused to breathe.
"Yes, Hikari.. I want.. you," the other Asuka responded in a sultry voice.
"No! I never did that! That's disgusting!"
Shinji appeared standing next to me, his eyes holding a condemning nature. "Maybe you are simply insecure about your own sexuality."
"I am not! Two girls doing that is.. it's just disgusting!"
"Why?"
"Because it is!"
"Maybe your subconscious is trying to tell you who you really want."
"I don't want Hikari! She's just a friend, and that's disgusting."
"Who do you want?"
"I want.."
Hikari's bedroom faded and was replaced with 'Over the Rainbow' as I saw myself clinging to another's muscular arm, squealing in delight.
"..Kaji-kun! Ne, want to kiss me?"
Kaji recoiled slightly in surprise, perhaps considering it for a moment before responding in a joking tone. "Hey, you know that stuff's not for kids."
"I'm not a kid!" she responded honestly as the other me unbuttoned her shirt five times quickly so a healthy amount of her cleavage spilled out. "See, look!"
"No! I don't want to remember that," I yelled angrily at myself, disbelieving that I could have ever done that.
Suddenly, another Asuka appeared beside me staring at myself. "Ugh! Pervert! He must be at least thirty! Is that slut that desperate and lonely!? How indecent!"
A smirking Ayanami appeared on my other side, staring at the indecent scene. "How pathetic, being guilty of the one thing that seems to bother you the most. Quite hypocritical, don't you think?"
Fortunately, the scenery became black again and everyone disappeared except for Shinji.
"Maybe your subconscious is trying to tell you who you really want."
"No.. it's not Kaji that I want."
"Who do you want then?"
"I want.."
"Who do you want then?"
"I.. it's.."
"Who do you want then?"
"I want Shinji.."
I had admitted it, to myself and to Shinji. I turned around to smile at him, the first time he would have ever truly seen me smile, but I could not. I was in Misato's living room, and Shinji was sitting on the multi- coloured "Tornado" mat, his headphones around his neck as he listened to Misato argue with another me.
"Ha! Nobody else can do it but me, though, ne?"
Nonchalantly, the twenty-eight-year-old guardian simply said, "Rei."
I watched as Ayanami stood up and slipped on the headphones that the other me had slipped off moments ago. The two began to perform in perfect synchronisation together.
"Hm," Misato mused to herself. "Maybe I should replace Asuka with Rei."
The scenery melted into black and I turned around, beginning to cry as I stared at Shinji. My childhood self appeared beside me, looking up sadly at Mama, who was hanging at the ceiling while we both yelled in unison, "No, no! Don't replace me.. don't replace me. I promise I'll change!"
Mama, my childhood self, and Shinji faded into black as Ayanami appeared in their place. "Are you afraid of change?"
"I'm not afraid of anything," I said jokingly, before replying in a soft murmur, "I'm not afraid if it means I can be happy."
"Are you afraid of being happy?"
"Of course not," I said with an air of indignance.
"What is happiness?"
"The opposite of loneliness," I responded sadly.
"What is loneliness?"
"The absence of others."
"Yet you are always in the presence of others, meaning you could not possibly be lonely and therefore ruling out the possibility of being unhappy."
I smiled self-deprecatingly as I looked down at the floor, slipping my hand over my forehead and massaging my temples gently. "Even if you aren't a doll, I never thought you could be this naïve."
"What is your perception of me if I am not a doll?"
"You're just.. there."
"Who is the Ayanami Rei in your mind?"
"She is.. a classmate. The pilot of Unit 01. And she is the.."
"Object of Ikari's affections?"
I remembered when Armisael attacked and Shinji gallantly rushed out to save Rei, despite the fact that during Arael's assault he had not even tried to help me. I remembered myself whimpering in my entry plug: 'Am I so worthless to you? You didn't do this for me..'
"Yes.. I've definitely hit rock bottom when you can complete my sentences for me."
"How did you draw that assumption?"
"You can see these things in the way people act. Like I said before, Wonder Girl, you're naïve and you probably wouldn't figure out how Shinji felt if he got up and told you directly," my tone had gotten perceptibly angrier, though it was faltering with each word as I struggled not to cry. First, she steals the only person I ever cared for, and then she makes me dissect his feelings for her bit by bit? Talk about cruel..
"Perhaps you are only afraid that he might care for you."
"Nobody cares about me.."
"That is a conviction based only on natural insecurity."
"It's no surprise that I'm insecure, what with a father who abandoned me, a mother who committed suicide because I wasn't good enough, a bunch of classmates who think I'm a bitch, a couple of adults who find value in me only because my synch ratio is higher than 0 when I'm in an Eva, and then Shinji who.. who.. Doesn't even notice me."
"The actions of your parents were irrational and the few classmates who have negative opinions of you base it only on the superficial facade you insist on establishing. The employees of NERV seem to find value in you not only because of your talent with an Eva, but because of the quality of your personality. Ikari cares for you deeply, and simply knows not how to express it. The few times he tried to, you pushed him away."
"Trust me, Wonder Girl, if he ever tried to show me that he thought I was worth more than nothing, I would not have pushed him away."
- - - - - - - - - -
The scenery changed once again to Misato's living room, though I was becoming quite accustomed to the sudden transformations of my surroundings. We were observing the true version of the scene that had become familiar in my fantasies: Shinji's and my first kiss. I suppose the fact that I was cutting off his oxygen supply lessened the romanticism of it, but still. His lips were so soft, so warm. So sweet.
Halfway through the kiss, the other me opened my eyes just slightly and noticed the look of struggle and disgust in his tightly shut eyes, my gaze drifting to his hand which was clenched into a fist. Suddenly, the other me broke the kiss and ran into the bathroom, bursting out into tears. He was disgusted with me..
I remember having heard his soft footsteps approaching and, in a split- second decision, faking gurgling sounds and yelling out with as much disgust as I could muster, "I'm never kissing to pass the time again!" as I tried with difficulty to stop my voice from cracking.
But now I was able to see Shinji's reaction, which at the time I had simply assumed was disgust and anger at my sudden departure, as he brought his fingertips to his lips and touched them gently, looking at his index finger and middle finger with the pained countenance of regret.
"Is this truth, or another distortion of reality?"
"He cares," was the statement Ayanami uttered after the memory faded into black. I had forgotten she was even beside me.
"Answer me, doll. Did he really do that?"
"I am not a doll."
"Answer me please, Ayanami-sama," I said attempting to mock her, although it seemed to have become less fun in the past few moments.
"This is truth. He appears to care for you."
"That's not possible though; nobody cares about me."
"Yet he does. You must learn to accept that people will attach themselves to others no matter how unlikely or unsuitable the match will be," she said softly, though not exactly in a consoling tone. "You should not push away the comfort and love others offer. Instead, embrace it and discover why they are offering you such feelings. This is what I have observed brings happiness."
I opened my mouth to make a comment about how I was hitting rock bottom when I followed Ayanami's insights, but suddenly I felt faint..
- - - - - - - - - -
When I opened my eyes again, the unnerving darkness that overwhelmed me was slightly relieved by the calming sound of water sliding and receding on the shore. Where am I? This feeling was not unlike the wakening from a dream.
Or, in truth, a nightmare.
But what had happened was neither.
I suppose the better comparison was awakening from a coma, which was a familiar feeling since I had only regained consciousness hours ago. Or was it hours ago? My grasp on time had faltered, and I could only perceive that it was a black and starless night. The only light came from the lonely moon, though its emanations were dimmed by a spray of crimson splitting its image in half.
There was another feeling. A presence.
Shinji?
Shinji?
My lips parted as I inaudibly whispered his name. The fragile boy sat up beside me, silently absorbing his surroundings with the frightening look of traumatisation in his eyes.
'Look at me, Mama! Ne, Mama.. look at me!'
Shinji.. look at me, please..
His gaze finally settled on me, his eyes still unnaturally wide and empty as I visibly swallowed and then parted my lips to speak. Before I could whisper the few words that I had denied even myself the privilege of admitting vocally, I felt his hands wrap around my throat.
Strangling me.
Another familiar image.. Images of Mama squeezing my doll and twisting its polyester head angrily until it was severed came to mind. But images of Shinji strangling me in Misato's living room, him lifting my body in the air by my throat as he looked down in shame but continued, flooded my mind. Why? Why did this feel familiar?
Stop it, darling: why are you doing this to me?
I felt his short fingernails digging into my veins as my body involuntarily began to tremble under his detrimental attention. When I felt that I could no longer continue, and that I would die, not from the vicious hands of an Angel or Eva, not from the mentally unstable wishes of my mother, not from my own self-loathing hands, but by Shinji's own hatred for me..
I slid my hand over his warm, soft cheek for as many moments as my weakness would allow before I let it slip to the ground in a fashion that suggested lifelessness. I felt his grasp on my neck weaken before his hands loosened and pulled away. I heard him whimpering distantly, some warm tears gliding onto my cheek.
His?
This is what my touch invoked?
What have I done?
A flurry of thoughts assaulted my mind incessantly until I spoke my self- insulting thoughts aloud.
How disgusting..
"How disgusting.."
The self-deprecating comment caused his delicate gaze to look up at me and stare for a multitude of moments before he wiped his eyes quietly in shame. My voice cracked and shivered with sadness as I spoke. "Liebste, was werde ich machen?"
I received no reply though apparently it was not expected, considering Shinji's meager knowledge of German which consisted of "guten Morgen" and perhaps "ja."
"I'm sorry," he finally managed to whisper. His voice was shivering nervously, but the friction of his sweet volume against that of the waves caused my heart to become contented in a way that it had not been for months. It was his voice, not the pressing inquiring voice belonging to the false Shinji had haunted me before.
"Don't worry.."
He looked into my eyes, the innocence of his surprise evident as he noted the comforting tone of my frail and barely audible voice. "Are you surprised that I can do anything other than yell?" I asked, trying to hide my sadness and slight indignation. "I.. no.. it's just that.. You seem so sad."
I forced myself to sit up, using my left arm as my right seemed to be severely bandaged. He was still knelt down beside me, watching my pained movements as I attained a kneeling position like his.
Now.
Ikimasho, Asuka.
"Liebste.. Let's both be happy, ne? Shin-chan," I said in the most saccharine voice I could accomplish with the meager volume I was allowed. Started already by the latter nickname, his eyes silently inquired on the former's definition.
I slipped my hand against his cheek, mimicking the caress I had given to him minutes ago, and smiled faintly. "Anata baka.. Liebste means.."
His cobalt eyes widened even more as I leaned close enough to feel his short, nervous breaths against my lips.
"..my Dearest.."
I leaned closer but then hesitated for a moment, as I realised that this familiar fantasy might not be mutual. If it was not, surely this ruined every possible chance that he would later change his mind about the direction of his affections.
Shinji must have guessed this hesitance, for in the midst of my second- guessing he slipped his hand over my cheek and gently moved closer, opened his mouth to speak as the closeness allowed me to feel his soft lips brush against mine.
"This time.. just.. let me breathe, okay?"
My eyes widened but then closed again by instinct as I felt his soft, moist lips press gently against mine. It was unlike our first kiss: it was mutual, unforced.. We both trembled with the reciprocation of our affections, his fingertips running over my cheek and then sliding over my jawline.
"Shinji," I whispered gently as I reluctantly pulled my lips a centimeter away from his, though there was little difference in our postures as we were still unarguably close, my forehead resting against his.
"I.. sorry.."
I suddenly leaned against him, my countenance breaking.
My mask breaking.
My facade breaking.
"Tasukete.. tasukete, Shinji," I cried in anguish as a repetition of something I remember him begging me in a dream I had during my coma.
I collapsed against him, covering my eyes in the fabric of his shirt which readily absorbed my tears. I suppose the naïve and inexperienced boy was nervous and surprised, but after a few minutes of my sobbing and pained whimpers, he embraced me tightly.
"Let me help you.."
"Help me.."
"Let me help you, Asuka.."
"Don't leave me.."
"I'll help you, Asuka.. let me help you,"
"Don't kill me.."
"Asuka.. Asuka, listen to me.."
"Don't let me die!"
He suddenly gripped me by my shoulders and pulled my tearstained face and shivering body away from his protective warmth, and for a moment I was afraid that my insecurity had angered him.
"Rib.. shite.. A smile suits you better,"
His mere attempt to pronounce 'Liebste' was enough to invoke a smile as I felt his slender fingertips running through my damp hair in an attempt to soothe me.
Distracted by the humour of his mispronunciation, I had not noticed what he had called me. "What did you say before?"
"Koibito," he replied halfheartedly, and I was somewhat disappointed he did not make another attempt to pronounce the German term of endearment. He withdrew his physical affection as he returned to a kneeling position beside me, his hands slipping into a clasped situation in his lap.
"Why do you recoil?"
"This feeling is new to me."
"What feeling?"
"Need."
Need? "Need?"
"Need."
"What is it that you need, Shinji?"
He smiled faintly in spite of the seriousness of the situation and let out a soft murmur, though it was loud enough for me to decipher the words. "You sound like Rei."
I didn't know whether to take it as a compliment or an insult. I sounded like Ayanami, the girl I loathed for winning his affections, yet she was the one who won his affections, and therefore sounding like her must be quite a compliment in his perception. "I.. see. I sound like Rei,"
"Rei?"
At first I didn't understand what he meant by repeating her wretched name, until I understood that he was surprised at my usage of her actual given name instead of the usual Wonder Girl, doll, or Ayanami when I was feeling on remotely good terms with her.
"Yes, that is her name."
"Asuka.. you're not acting like yourself."
It was funny how my esteem had fluctuated so awesomely in the past sixty seconds. I had felt needed and loved, and my affections were finally being returned from the person I had cared for over a year!
"You mean I'm being nice for a change?"
And now the person I had cared for over a year was shocked that I actually had a sensitive side. God dammit.
Yet another look of surprise passed over his face, either one of amazement that I could perceive exactly what his statement had meant, or one of bewilderment at how I could possibly think such a thing.
"No.. it's not that.. It's just, this is the first time I've ever truly seen you.. without your mask."
I turned to meet his gaze, which had softened from the summarisation of surprise which was becoming all too familiar to the faint outline of happiness which blossomed into a smile after he completed his sentence.
"Mask?"
"Yes.. man is afraid of being alone, but moreso they are afraid of being hurt, so they put up mental barriers and push away comfort which brings us even more pain." I was caught unexpectedly by the insightfulness of the remark and noticed him blushing slightly. "At least.. that's what Rei told me."
"You two are pretty close, huh?"
He turned towards me to protest as he usually did until he noticed the emptiness of my voice and gaze. All of the happiness that our soft shared kiss had brought was rapidly fleeting and was being replaced by the not-so- rare feeling of inadequacy.
"I guess so,"
I dug my hands into the fine sand, grinding it between my fingers and forcing myself to smile as truthfully as was possible instead of insulting him to hide my sadness. Instead of running away. Funny; I had never noticed how similar I was to Shinji.
"That's sweet.. it's nice that you have somebody to care for that way."
"That way?.. Aa -- anou, iie.. it's not like that."
The blush that crept over his cheeks and his nervous stammering reassured my insecurities and augmented my reasons for despising myself. But again, I forced myself to suppress these feelings as I leaned forward and grinned although there was an undeniable sting in my eye.
"Hah! Yeah right, you can't even stop yourself from blushing."
"But really.. it's not like that. It's.. a different feeling. Like mother.."
"Mama?"
"Yes.. she gives me a feeling like my mother did."
My doubting diminished slightly, for, despite all of the trauma Shinji had endured, I was sure he was not desperate enough to resort to incest.
"How did she make you feel? Your mama, that is,"
"Comfortable. Kind of.. safe."
"My mother wasn't like that."
He smiled and took the opportunity to slide a little closer to me. "Really? What's she like? She sounded like a nice woman on the phone." I smiled to him weakly as my gaze fell to his hands. "Don't you remember? That was my stepmother, and she's just there for show anyway. She's as much a part of my life as Yebisu isn't a part of Misato's."
"I.. oh. I forgot."
"It's not that horrible."
"She sounds like my father. He doesn't care about me at all."
"Don't be so vain, Shinji," I said, trying my best to suggest a tone of anger instead of amazing weakness, though the fact that my voice was trembling did not help. "At least your father is there for you. My real mother was a weak woman who hung herself from a God-damn ceiling when she decided that I wasn't good enough to live for."
I then let out a hollow laugh as I looked at Shinji's feet, his white shoes soiled by dirt and sand. "She was actually right though. Anyone forced to raise a little bitch like me can't be blamed if they feel like killing themselves. My stepmother had the right idea: just stay away and pass on the duty whenever it's possible. Like she said: she can stop being my mother any time she wants. How pathetic, I can't do anything right. I'm not a good daughter, a good friend, not even a good pilot. Even Ayanami is better than me: at least she can manage a synch ratio above zero. I'm pathetic! Unit 02 doesn't even respond to me anymore."
He was staring blankly at me in a way that succeeded shock as he listened to me mentally collapsing. His detachment caused me to burst out into laughter once again. "And you.."
"Me?"
"I couldn't even get you."
"Get.. me?"
"Yes.. I was so haughty so as to assume that you could actually care about me. So pathetic that I listened to the advice of Wonder Girl and thought that maybe you did care about me too. And then the second I'm about to blurt out that I love you, you strangle me! It's pretty funny actually. You should laugh, too, Shinji! Laugh, it's funny, God fucking dammit! Laugh!" I yelled, partially in hopes to divert his attention from the other three- worded phrase I had spoken before.
Yet, the moment that those three words escaped my mouth, I was filled with a terrible relief. He knew now, as if my sudden change in attitude was not enough to show it, although he was always somewhat dense when it came to these situations. My unstable situation allowed me to finally profess my feelings without shame, though I suppose the feeling that I was yelling about my life story as I threatened suicide and laughed maniacally was somewhat shameful.
"You.. love me?"
"..I.. You heard what I said. So now you know, and you can get up and abandon me, especially now that you know what a weak and mentally unstable person I am. Nobody likes to be around suicidal freaks," I said, grinning though I flinched at the last reference to myself. "Maybe you'll kill me before you leave me. Mama tried to, but I wouldn't let her. I'll let you though, it's okay. You already tried once, and I promise I won't do anything stupid like caress your cheek or say I love you or something to make you stop. Though I don't know why you w--"
"Stop it, Asuka!" he yelled, raising his voice in a way that caused my to pull my knees to my chest and embrace them tightly with my arms, resting my head against my knees in an upright fetal position.
It wasn't possible anymore. I had let my only defense -- my cruel, rude, and insensitive facade -- dissipate in hopes that I would find my protection in my sweet Shinji. Pathetic! The thought of someone actually caring for me. I closed my eyes and did my best to suppress everything, did my best to forget the fact that my judgment of Shinji had been wrong, and that he didn't even care enough to hear about my problems, let alone love me.
Maybe if I simply stopped thinking, everything would go away and I would die. The only thing worse than knowing that he didn't love me was knowing that he hated me, and the only thing worse than that was the feeling of him staring at me.
Comparing me to Wonder Girl?
Are my thighs too skinny?
Are my breasts too small?
Are my calves not as well shaped?
Maybe I should dye my hair blue?
Maybe I should get red contacts?
Would you love me if I was your doll?
I'd do anything you ask. I'd even kill myself if you told me to: a mockery of that puppet's words. The saddest thing about all of these thoughts, however, was that I was willing to do any of them. Shinji, let me die for you, please. Give me the chance to prove to you that these feelings aren't superficial. And let me put an end to my pain as well. It would have mutual benefit.
"I wish I was dead.."
- - - - - - - - - -
Foreign Terms
-kun; kun (with the "u" similar to the "ou" in would), male suffix for names, Japanese. -sama; sah mah, very formal suffix for names. Literally, 'your worship,' Japanese. Liebste, was werde ich machen; leebshteh, vas verdeh eek maken, Dearest, what will I do, German. Guten morgen; gooden morgen, good morning, German. Ja; ya, yes, German. Iie; ee-eh, no, Japanese. Ikimasho; eekeemashoh, let's go, Japanese. Anata baka; an'ta baka, you idiot/silly/dummy, etc, Japanese. Tasukete; tah soo keh teh, help me, Japanese. Koibito; ko eebeetoh, darling, Japanese. Anou; anoh-oh, umm, err, etc, Japanese.
- - - - - - - - - -
In Other Words..br 02 : The Mask Breaking and the Ignorance of His Profession
- - - - - - - - - -
The Second Character.br The Case of Asuka Langley Sohryuu.br Part II.
I saw myself lying on the floor facing the wall with Hikari beside me lying on her back, looking directly up at the ceiling. "I hate myself.. I probably won't be able to pilot Eva Unit 02 again. That stupid bitch rescued me. That bitch rescued me!" The other me curled up again into a more fetal position.
"Asuka, I think.. I think you could do anything you want right now, and I wouldn't say a thing."
I saw myself open her eyes and roll over to Hikari, hesitating for a moment and then getting up so she was on all fours above her and then leaning down to kiss her deeply. Her friend was startled but did not refuse before she returned the kiss with equal fervor, wrapping her arms about her waist and pulling her down against her as the two girls passionately kissed.
"As.. Asuka, is th-this what you want?" Hikari asked nervously, as the two teenagers paused to breathe.
"Yes, Hikari.. I want.. you," the other Asuka responded in a sultry voice.
"No! I never did that! That's disgusting!"
Shinji appeared standing next to me, his eyes holding a condemning nature. "Maybe you are simply insecure about your own sexuality."
"I am not! Two girls doing that is.. it's just disgusting!"
"Why?"
"Because it is!"
"Maybe your subconscious is trying to tell you who you really want."
"I don't want Hikari! She's just a friend, and that's disgusting."
"Who do you want?"
"I want.."
Hikari's bedroom faded and was replaced with 'Over the Rainbow' as I saw myself clinging to another's muscular arm, squealing in delight.
"..Kaji-kun! Ne, want to kiss me?"
Kaji recoiled slightly in surprise, perhaps considering it for a moment before responding in a joking tone. "Hey, you know that stuff's not for kids."
"I'm not a kid!" she responded honestly as the other me unbuttoned her shirt five times quickly so a healthy amount of her cleavage spilled out. "See, look!"
"No! I don't want to remember that," I yelled angrily at myself, disbelieving that I could have ever done that.
Suddenly, another Asuka appeared beside me staring at myself. "Ugh! Pervert! He must be at least thirty! Is that slut that desperate and lonely!? How indecent!"
A smirking Ayanami appeared on my other side, staring at the indecent scene. "How pathetic, being guilty of the one thing that seems to bother you the most. Quite hypocritical, don't you think?"
Fortunately, the scenery became black again and everyone disappeared except for Shinji.
"Maybe your subconscious is trying to tell you who you really want."
"No.. it's not Kaji that I want."
"Who do you want then?"
"I want.."
"Who do you want then?"
"I.. it's.."
"Who do you want then?"
"I want Shinji.."
I had admitted it, to myself and to Shinji. I turned around to smile at him, the first time he would have ever truly seen me smile, but I could not. I was in Misato's living room, and Shinji was sitting on the multi- coloured "Tornado" mat, his headphones around his neck as he listened to Misato argue with another me.
"Ha! Nobody else can do it but me, though, ne?"
Nonchalantly, the twenty-eight-year-old guardian simply said, "Rei."
I watched as Ayanami stood up and slipped on the headphones that the other me had slipped off moments ago. The two began to perform in perfect synchronisation together.
"Hm," Misato mused to herself. "Maybe I should replace Asuka with Rei."
The scenery melted into black and I turned around, beginning to cry as I stared at Shinji. My childhood self appeared beside me, looking up sadly at Mama, who was hanging at the ceiling while we both yelled in unison, "No, no! Don't replace me.. don't replace me. I promise I'll change!"
Mama, my childhood self, and Shinji faded into black as Ayanami appeared in their place. "Are you afraid of change?"
"I'm not afraid of anything," I said jokingly, before replying in a soft murmur, "I'm not afraid if it means I can be happy."
"Are you afraid of being happy?"
"Of course not," I said with an air of indignance.
"What is happiness?"
"The opposite of loneliness," I responded sadly.
"What is loneliness?"
"The absence of others."
"Yet you are always in the presence of others, meaning you could not possibly be lonely and therefore ruling out the possibility of being unhappy."
I smiled self-deprecatingly as I looked down at the floor, slipping my hand over my forehead and massaging my temples gently. "Even if you aren't a doll, I never thought you could be this naïve."
"What is your perception of me if I am not a doll?"
"You're just.. there."
"Who is the Ayanami Rei in your mind?"
"She is.. a classmate. The pilot of Unit 01. And she is the.."
"Object of Ikari's affections?"
I remembered when Armisael attacked and Shinji gallantly rushed out to save Rei, despite the fact that during Arael's assault he had not even tried to help me. I remembered myself whimpering in my entry plug: 'Am I so worthless to you? You didn't do this for me..'
"Yes.. I've definitely hit rock bottom when you can complete my sentences for me."
"How did you draw that assumption?"
"You can see these things in the way people act. Like I said before, Wonder Girl, you're naïve and you probably wouldn't figure out how Shinji felt if he got up and told you directly," my tone had gotten perceptibly angrier, though it was faltering with each word as I struggled not to cry. First, she steals the only person I ever cared for, and then she makes me dissect his feelings for her bit by bit? Talk about cruel..
"Perhaps you are only afraid that he might care for you."
"Nobody cares about me.."
"That is a conviction based only on natural insecurity."
"It's no surprise that I'm insecure, what with a father who abandoned me, a mother who committed suicide because I wasn't good enough, a bunch of classmates who think I'm a bitch, a couple of adults who find value in me only because my synch ratio is higher than 0 when I'm in an Eva, and then Shinji who.. who.. Doesn't even notice me."
"The actions of your parents were irrational and the few classmates who have negative opinions of you base it only on the superficial facade you insist on establishing. The employees of NERV seem to find value in you not only because of your talent with an Eva, but because of the quality of your personality. Ikari cares for you deeply, and simply knows not how to express it. The few times he tried to, you pushed him away."
"Trust me, Wonder Girl, if he ever tried to show me that he thought I was worth more than nothing, I would not have pushed him away."
- - - - - - - - - -
The scenery changed once again to Misato's living room, though I was becoming quite accustomed to the sudden transformations of my surroundings. We were observing the true version of the scene that had become familiar in my fantasies: Shinji's and my first kiss. I suppose the fact that I was cutting off his oxygen supply lessened the romanticism of it, but still. His lips were so soft, so warm. So sweet.
Halfway through the kiss, the other me opened my eyes just slightly and noticed the look of struggle and disgust in his tightly shut eyes, my gaze drifting to his hand which was clenched into a fist. Suddenly, the other me broke the kiss and ran into the bathroom, bursting out into tears. He was disgusted with me..
I remember having heard his soft footsteps approaching and, in a split- second decision, faking gurgling sounds and yelling out with as much disgust as I could muster, "I'm never kissing to pass the time again!" as I tried with difficulty to stop my voice from cracking.
But now I was able to see Shinji's reaction, which at the time I had simply assumed was disgust and anger at my sudden departure, as he brought his fingertips to his lips and touched them gently, looking at his index finger and middle finger with the pained countenance of regret.
"Is this truth, or another distortion of reality?"
"He cares," was the statement Ayanami uttered after the memory faded into black. I had forgotten she was even beside me.
"Answer me, doll. Did he really do that?"
"I am not a doll."
"Answer me please, Ayanami-sama," I said attempting to mock her, although it seemed to have become less fun in the past few moments.
"This is truth. He appears to care for you."
"That's not possible though; nobody cares about me."
"Yet he does. You must learn to accept that people will attach themselves to others no matter how unlikely or unsuitable the match will be," she said softly, though not exactly in a consoling tone. "You should not push away the comfort and love others offer. Instead, embrace it and discover why they are offering you such feelings. This is what I have observed brings happiness."
I opened my mouth to make a comment about how I was hitting rock bottom when I followed Ayanami's insights, but suddenly I felt faint..
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When I opened my eyes again, the unnerving darkness that overwhelmed me was slightly relieved by the calming sound of water sliding and receding on the shore. Where am I? This feeling was not unlike the wakening from a dream.
Or, in truth, a nightmare.
But what had happened was neither.
I suppose the better comparison was awakening from a coma, which was a familiar feeling since I had only regained consciousness hours ago. Or was it hours ago? My grasp on time had faltered, and I could only perceive that it was a black and starless night. The only light came from the lonely moon, though its emanations were dimmed by a spray of crimson splitting its image in half.
There was another feeling. A presence.
Shinji?
Shinji?
My lips parted as I inaudibly whispered his name. The fragile boy sat up beside me, silently absorbing his surroundings with the frightening look of traumatisation in his eyes.
'Look at me, Mama! Ne, Mama.. look at me!'
Shinji.. look at me, please..
His gaze finally settled on me, his eyes still unnaturally wide and empty as I visibly swallowed and then parted my lips to speak. Before I could whisper the few words that I had denied even myself the privilege of admitting vocally, I felt his hands wrap around my throat.
Strangling me.
Another familiar image.. Images of Mama squeezing my doll and twisting its polyester head angrily until it was severed came to mind. But images of Shinji strangling me in Misato's living room, him lifting my body in the air by my throat as he looked down in shame but continued, flooded my mind. Why? Why did this feel familiar?
Stop it, darling: why are you doing this to me?
I felt his short fingernails digging into my veins as my body involuntarily began to tremble under his detrimental attention. When I felt that I could no longer continue, and that I would die, not from the vicious hands of an Angel or Eva, not from the mentally unstable wishes of my mother, not from my own self-loathing hands, but by Shinji's own hatred for me..
I slid my hand over his warm, soft cheek for as many moments as my weakness would allow before I let it slip to the ground in a fashion that suggested lifelessness. I felt his grasp on my neck weaken before his hands loosened and pulled away. I heard him whimpering distantly, some warm tears gliding onto my cheek.
His?
This is what my touch invoked?
What have I done?
A flurry of thoughts assaulted my mind incessantly until I spoke my self- insulting thoughts aloud.
How disgusting..
"How disgusting.."
The self-deprecating comment caused his delicate gaze to look up at me and stare for a multitude of moments before he wiped his eyes quietly in shame. My voice cracked and shivered with sadness as I spoke. "Liebste, was werde ich machen?"
I received no reply though apparently it was not expected, considering Shinji's meager knowledge of German which consisted of "guten Morgen" and perhaps "ja."
"I'm sorry," he finally managed to whisper. His voice was shivering nervously, but the friction of his sweet volume against that of the waves caused my heart to become contented in a way that it had not been for months. It was his voice, not the pressing inquiring voice belonging to the false Shinji had haunted me before.
"Don't worry.."
He looked into my eyes, the innocence of his surprise evident as he noted the comforting tone of my frail and barely audible voice. "Are you surprised that I can do anything other than yell?" I asked, trying to hide my sadness and slight indignation. "I.. no.. it's just that.. You seem so sad."
I forced myself to sit up, using my left arm as my right seemed to be severely bandaged. He was still knelt down beside me, watching my pained movements as I attained a kneeling position like his.
Now.
Ikimasho, Asuka.
"Liebste.. Let's both be happy, ne? Shin-chan," I said in the most saccharine voice I could accomplish with the meager volume I was allowed. Started already by the latter nickname, his eyes silently inquired on the former's definition.
I slipped my hand against his cheek, mimicking the caress I had given to him minutes ago, and smiled faintly. "Anata baka.. Liebste means.."
His cobalt eyes widened even more as I leaned close enough to feel his short, nervous breaths against my lips.
"..my Dearest.."
I leaned closer but then hesitated for a moment, as I realised that this familiar fantasy might not be mutual. If it was not, surely this ruined every possible chance that he would later change his mind about the direction of his affections.
Shinji must have guessed this hesitance, for in the midst of my second- guessing he slipped his hand over my cheek and gently moved closer, opened his mouth to speak as the closeness allowed me to feel his soft lips brush against mine.
"This time.. just.. let me breathe, okay?"
My eyes widened but then closed again by instinct as I felt his soft, moist lips press gently against mine. It was unlike our first kiss: it was mutual, unforced.. We both trembled with the reciprocation of our affections, his fingertips running over my cheek and then sliding over my jawline.
"Shinji," I whispered gently as I reluctantly pulled my lips a centimeter away from his, though there was little difference in our postures as we were still unarguably close, my forehead resting against his.
"I.. sorry.."
I suddenly leaned against him, my countenance breaking.
My mask breaking.
My facade breaking.
"Tasukete.. tasukete, Shinji," I cried in anguish as a repetition of something I remember him begging me in a dream I had during my coma.
I collapsed against him, covering my eyes in the fabric of his shirt which readily absorbed my tears. I suppose the naïve and inexperienced boy was nervous and surprised, but after a few minutes of my sobbing and pained whimpers, he embraced me tightly.
"Let me help you.."
"Help me.."
"Let me help you, Asuka.."
"Don't leave me.."
"I'll help you, Asuka.. let me help you,"
"Don't kill me.."
"Asuka.. Asuka, listen to me.."
"Don't let me die!"
He suddenly gripped me by my shoulders and pulled my tearstained face and shivering body away from his protective warmth, and for a moment I was afraid that my insecurity had angered him.
"Rib.. shite.. A smile suits you better,"
His mere attempt to pronounce 'Liebste' was enough to invoke a smile as I felt his slender fingertips running through my damp hair in an attempt to soothe me.
Distracted by the humour of his mispronunciation, I had not noticed what he had called me. "What did you say before?"
"Koibito," he replied halfheartedly, and I was somewhat disappointed he did not make another attempt to pronounce the German term of endearment. He withdrew his physical affection as he returned to a kneeling position beside me, his hands slipping into a clasped situation in his lap.
"Why do you recoil?"
"This feeling is new to me."
"What feeling?"
"Need."
Need? "Need?"
"Need."
"What is it that you need, Shinji?"
He smiled faintly in spite of the seriousness of the situation and let out a soft murmur, though it was loud enough for me to decipher the words. "You sound like Rei."
I didn't know whether to take it as a compliment or an insult. I sounded like Ayanami, the girl I loathed for winning his affections, yet she was the one who won his affections, and therefore sounding like her must be quite a compliment in his perception. "I.. see. I sound like Rei,"
"Rei?"
At first I didn't understand what he meant by repeating her wretched name, until I understood that he was surprised at my usage of her actual given name instead of the usual Wonder Girl, doll, or Ayanami when I was feeling on remotely good terms with her.
"Yes, that is her name."
"Asuka.. you're not acting like yourself."
It was funny how my esteem had fluctuated so awesomely in the past sixty seconds. I had felt needed and loved, and my affections were finally being returned from the person I had cared for over a year!
"You mean I'm being nice for a change?"
And now the person I had cared for over a year was shocked that I actually had a sensitive side. God dammit.
Yet another look of surprise passed over his face, either one of amazement that I could perceive exactly what his statement had meant, or one of bewilderment at how I could possibly think such a thing.
"No.. it's not that.. It's just, this is the first time I've ever truly seen you.. without your mask."
I turned to meet his gaze, which had softened from the summarisation of surprise which was becoming all too familiar to the faint outline of happiness which blossomed into a smile after he completed his sentence.
"Mask?"
"Yes.. man is afraid of being alone, but moreso they are afraid of being hurt, so they put up mental barriers and push away comfort which brings us even more pain." I was caught unexpectedly by the insightfulness of the remark and noticed him blushing slightly. "At least.. that's what Rei told me."
"You two are pretty close, huh?"
He turned towards me to protest as he usually did until he noticed the emptiness of my voice and gaze. All of the happiness that our soft shared kiss had brought was rapidly fleeting and was being replaced by the not-so- rare feeling of inadequacy.
"I guess so,"
I dug my hands into the fine sand, grinding it between my fingers and forcing myself to smile as truthfully as was possible instead of insulting him to hide my sadness. Instead of running away. Funny; I had never noticed how similar I was to Shinji.
"That's sweet.. it's nice that you have somebody to care for that way."
"That way?.. Aa -- anou, iie.. it's not like that."
The blush that crept over his cheeks and his nervous stammering reassured my insecurities and augmented my reasons for despising myself. But again, I forced myself to suppress these feelings as I leaned forward and grinned although there was an undeniable sting in my eye.
"Hah! Yeah right, you can't even stop yourself from blushing."
"But really.. it's not like that. It's.. a different feeling. Like mother.."
"Mama?"
"Yes.. she gives me a feeling like my mother did."
My doubting diminished slightly, for, despite all of the trauma Shinji had endured, I was sure he was not desperate enough to resort to incest.
"How did she make you feel? Your mama, that is,"
"Comfortable. Kind of.. safe."
"My mother wasn't like that."
He smiled and took the opportunity to slide a little closer to me. "Really? What's she like? She sounded like a nice woman on the phone." I smiled to him weakly as my gaze fell to his hands. "Don't you remember? That was my stepmother, and she's just there for show anyway. She's as much a part of my life as Yebisu isn't a part of Misato's."
"I.. oh. I forgot."
"It's not that horrible."
"She sounds like my father. He doesn't care about me at all."
"Don't be so vain, Shinji," I said, trying my best to suggest a tone of anger instead of amazing weakness, though the fact that my voice was trembling did not help. "At least your father is there for you. My real mother was a weak woman who hung herself from a God-damn ceiling when she decided that I wasn't good enough to live for."
I then let out a hollow laugh as I looked at Shinji's feet, his white shoes soiled by dirt and sand. "She was actually right though. Anyone forced to raise a little bitch like me can't be blamed if they feel like killing themselves. My stepmother had the right idea: just stay away and pass on the duty whenever it's possible. Like she said: she can stop being my mother any time she wants. How pathetic, I can't do anything right. I'm not a good daughter, a good friend, not even a good pilot. Even Ayanami is better than me: at least she can manage a synch ratio above zero. I'm pathetic! Unit 02 doesn't even respond to me anymore."
He was staring blankly at me in a way that succeeded shock as he listened to me mentally collapsing. His detachment caused me to burst out into laughter once again. "And you.."
"Me?"
"I couldn't even get you."
"Get.. me?"
"Yes.. I was so haughty so as to assume that you could actually care about me. So pathetic that I listened to the advice of Wonder Girl and thought that maybe you did care about me too. And then the second I'm about to blurt out that I love you, you strangle me! It's pretty funny actually. You should laugh, too, Shinji! Laugh, it's funny, God fucking dammit! Laugh!" I yelled, partially in hopes to divert his attention from the other three- worded phrase I had spoken before.
Yet, the moment that those three words escaped my mouth, I was filled with a terrible relief. He knew now, as if my sudden change in attitude was not enough to show it, although he was always somewhat dense when it came to these situations. My unstable situation allowed me to finally profess my feelings without shame, though I suppose the feeling that I was yelling about my life story as I threatened suicide and laughed maniacally was somewhat shameful.
"You.. love me?"
"..I.. You heard what I said. So now you know, and you can get up and abandon me, especially now that you know what a weak and mentally unstable person I am. Nobody likes to be around suicidal freaks," I said, grinning though I flinched at the last reference to myself. "Maybe you'll kill me before you leave me. Mama tried to, but I wouldn't let her. I'll let you though, it's okay. You already tried once, and I promise I won't do anything stupid like caress your cheek or say I love you or something to make you stop. Though I don't know why you w--"
"Stop it, Asuka!" he yelled, raising his voice in a way that caused my to pull my knees to my chest and embrace them tightly with my arms, resting my head against my knees in an upright fetal position.
It wasn't possible anymore. I had let my only defense -- my cruel, rude, and insensitive facade -- dissipate in hopes that I would find my protection in my sweet Shinji. Pathetic! The thought of someone actually caring for me. I closed my eyes and did my best to suppress everything, did my best to forget the fact that my judgment of Shinji had been wrong, and that he didn't even care enough to hear about my problems, let alone love me.
Maybe if I simply stopped thinking, everything would go away and I would die. The only thing worse than knowing that he didn't love me was knowing that he hated me, and the only thing worse than that was the feeling of him staring at me.
Comparing me to Wonder Girl?
Are my thighs too skinny?
Are my breasts too small?
Are my calves not as well shaped?
Maybe I should dye my hair blue?
Maybe I should get red contacts?
Would you love me if I was your doll?
I'd do anything you ask. I'd even kill myself if you told me to: a mockery of that puppet's words. The saddest thing about all of these thoughts, however, was that I was willing to do any of them. Shinji, let me die for you, please. Give me the chance to prove to you that these feelings aren't superficial. And let me put an end to my pain as well. It would have mutual benefit.
"I wish I was dead.."
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Foreign Terms
-kun; kun (with the "u" similar to the "ou" in would), male suffix for names, Japanese. -sama; sah mah, very formal suffix for names. Literally, 'your worship,' Japanese. Liebste, was werde ich machen; leebshteh, vas verdeh eek maken, Dearest, what will I do, German. Guten morgen; gooden morgen, good morning, German. Ja; ya, yes, German. Iie; ee-eh, no, Japanese. Ikimasho; eekeemashoh, let's go, Japanese. Anata baka; an'ta baka, you idiot/silly/dummy, etc, Japanese. Tasukete; tah soo keh teh, help me, Japanese. Koibito; ko eebeetoh, darling, Japanese. Anou; anoh-oh, umm, err, etc, Japanese.
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