ACT IV

SCENE I

Parochial House. Father Jack is passed out in his armchair. He is holding a bottle in his left hand. Enter Father Ted and Flasheart.

Father Ted: Now, are you sure you can't wait a few weeks? I mean, she's just suffered a death in the family.
Flasheart: Alas, she's been crying her eyes out since they stuck him in the charnel house. Let me tell you she won't be crying her eyes out when I stick myself in HER charnel house!! WOOF! WOOF!
Father Ted: Fascinating. Absolutely fascinating. So, Thursday, then?
Flasheart: Right. Let me ask you something, Father Crilly?
Father Ted: Of course, anything.
Flasheart: What's a nun's charnel house like--
Father Ted: I'm sorry, Lord Flasheart, but you really must be off now. I've got the eleven o' clock mass to perform. Out you go.

Flasheart exits. Enter Saffy.

Father Ted: My God, that's the kind of man your father wants you to marry!? No wonder you fell for Lucas.
Saffy: It's all about the money for him.
Father Ted: I can certainly see that.
Saffy: (weeping) Oh, Father, I can't marry him! I can't! I'll be unhappy all my days.
Father Teed: Well, look...there doesn't seem like much hope for Lucas now. Maybe you should just try to except Flasheart for what he's worth. After all, is that not what our Lord would've done?
Saffy: Our Lord would not be in the mess. For one thing, he's a man.
Father Ted: Men can be brought into these things as easily as women.
Saffy: Anyway, Jesus did not have a father as inconsiderate as mine.
Father Ted: Well, let's not jump to conclusions.
Saffy: What!?
Father Ted: I mean, that's not what I mean! I meant...Joseph!! Joseph!!
Saffy: I suppose...but I can't marry him! I just can't! There must be something we can do.

Father Jack begins moaning in his sleep.

Father Ted: Hang on one second, there, Saffy.

Ted picks up the bottle in Jack's hand. It is a plastic, yellow bottle labeled Toilet Duck.

Father Ted: Oh, no...not Toilet Duck again! You know what that stuff does to you. Are we seeing them pink elephants again? How many fingers am I holding up to you?
Father Jack: (aghast) THREE!!
Father Ted: Wait a minute...I've got it!
Saffy: What?
Father Ted: All I need is a non-toxic bottle of detergent and all our problems our solved.
Saffy: How?
Father Ted: Hang on, there's got to be one somewhere. Jack's bound to have drunk a bottle before.

Ted rummages through various piles of alcohol bottles. After a while, he finds another bottle of detergent.

Father Ted: Right, so! All you have to do is drink this entire bottle tonight and you can be with your Lucas all your life...provided you're no longer interested in wealth...you're not, are you?
Saffy: God, no.
Father Ted: Good...because them there'd be no point in this, really. Right, so: You go home tonight, agree to marry Flasheart, drink the bottle, and you'll be unconscious for seventy-two hours. They'll throw you in the charnel house, when you wake up I'll get you out, and you can flee you Pythonland with your Lucas for all eternity. Well, till death do you part, anyway. So return home and meanwhile I'll send for Lucas.
Saffy: Oh, thank you, Father! Thank you!

Saffy exits.

Father Ted: God Almighty, why am I doing this to myself?

__________________________________________________________________


SCENE II

Regent Hall. Blackadder and George are talking.

George: And another thing, why is it that no matter how many millions of pairs of socks I buy, I never seem to have any?
Blackadder: Sir, if I may make so bold--
George: They just disappear! Honestly, you'd think someone was coming in here, stealing the damn things and then selling them off!
Blackadder: (laughs) Impossible, sir. Only you and I have access to your socks.
George: Well, I suppose you're right. Still...for me, socks are like sex: tons of it about and I never seem to get any.

Enter Saffy, staggering as usual.

Saffy: Father--
George: Oh, look who it is, Blackadder! Miss-I'm-Too-Bally-Well-Posh-To-Marry-Mister-Flashy-Hearted-Lord-Flasheart!
Blackadder: Either that or its your daughter.
George: Well, what is it!?
Saffy: I apologize for my former sharpness...and will agree to marry Lord Flasheart!
George: Well, hurrah!!
Blackadder: A wise choice, madam.
George: This is absolutely splendid news!! DARLING!!

Enter Edina.

Edina: (hung-over) Not so loud, dear, please.
George: Well, Saffy has finally come round to her senses and agreed to marry Lord Flasheart!
Edina: Oh, that's marvelous. Where's the brandy?
George: In fact, we haven't any plans for tomorrow. Why don't we move thee wedding to then!?
Edina: No, darling, please. I really need to rest tonight.
George: It's alright! Old Blackie here will take care of everything, won't he!?
Blackadder: (sharply sarcastic) Certainly. And perhaps you'd like me to walk around wearing some red lipstick and put on a female corset.
George: He's even going to do the entertainment for us at the reception! I say, Blackadder, you are a marvelous friend. Right, let's go down to the Naughty Hellfire Club and celebrate.
All: HURRAH!!

All exit except for Blackadder and Saffy. Enter Baldrick.

Baldrick: Something wrong, Mr. B?
Blackadder: Baldrick, how do you feel about entertaining the guests?
Baldrick: All right, what sort of thing did you have in mind?
Blackadder: (in a sly voice) Oh, you'll see...

Blackadder and Baldrick exit.

Saffy: Oh, be still, my heart.

__________________________________________________________________


SCENE III

Saffy's room. She holds up the bottle of detergent. Hyacinth enters. Saffy hides the bottle.

Hyacinth: Are you sure you don't need my help with anything?
Saffy: Oh, that's all right, thank you. I just really need my rest. I've got a big day tomorrow.
Hyacinth: All right, sleep well.

Hyacinth exits.

Saffy: Farewell! God knows when we shall meet again. I have a faint cold fear thrills through my veins, that almost freezes up the heat of life: I'll call them back again to comfort me: Hyacinth! What should she do here? My dismal scene I needs must act alone. Come, vial. What if this mixture do not work at all? Shall I be married then to-morrow morning? No, no: this shall forbid it: lie thou there.

Saffy holds up the bottle once again.

Saffy: What if it be a poison, which Father Crilly subtly hath minister'd to have me dead, lest in this marriage he should be dishonour'd, because he married me before to Lucas? I fear it is: and yet, methinks, it should not, for he hath still been tried a holy man. How if, when I am laid into the tomb, I wake before the time that Lucas come to redeem me? there's a fearful point! Shall I not, then, be stifled in the vault, to whose foul mouth no healthsome air breathes in, and there die strangled ere my Lucas comes? Or, if I live, is it not very like, the horrible conceit of death and night, together with the terror of the place-- as in a vault, an ancient receptacle, where, for these many hundred years, the bones of all my buried ancestors are packed: where bloody Vyvyan, yet but green in earth, lies festering in his shroud; where, as they say, at some hours in the night spirits resort-- alack, alack, is it not like that I, so early waking, what with loathsome smells, and shrieks like mandrakes' torn out of the earth, that living mortals, hearing them, run mad-- O, if I wake, shall I not be distraught, environed with all these hideous fears? And madly play with my forefather's joints? And pluck the mangled Vyvyan from his shroud? And, in this rage, with some great kinsman's bone, As with a club, dash out my desperate brains? O, look! Methinks I see my cousin's ghost seeking out Lucas, that did spit his body upon a rapier's point: stay, Vyvyan, stay! Lucas, I come! This do I drink to thee.

She drinks it and falls asleep.

BBC Announcer: (during the second part of the monologue) This bit of dialogue was taken directly from the original manuscripts of Lucas and Juliet, original stage play by William Shakespeare. It is the one moment that was not written by the boys, because they didn't really fancy making up their own dialogue as a substitute. And then, of course, there is the issue of the overall storyline, but I shan't get into that. Right, well, now that we have reached the middle of the Fourth Act and as we are now nearing the end of the show, we would like to read out what some of the critics have thought of this, The Black Rider's Lucas and Saffy. Ken Starlet of The New York Times points out that, the humor we are subjected to in this production is utterly sophomoric and predictable. If they were to desecrate Shakespeare, they could've at least been a bit creative in their approach. An interesting observation, Mr. Starlet. Olaf Witkenstein of Kraut Weekly proclaims, The Black Rider's Lucas and Saffy is an unwatchable insult to theater which only stands to prove what an overrated piece of garbage Love Will Tear Us Apart was. I wouldn't expect anything less from a critical Nazi. Roger Ebert and his love child Richard Roeper give the production, Two thumbs down. If you could elaborate, gentlemen...well, as you can see, this play is, so far, a critical flop, but what will the audience think? Find out more...right after this!

__________________________________________________________________


SCENE IV

Regent Mansions. The wedding procession is ready. The band prepares to perform. Enter George, Edina, Hyacinth, and Father Ted.

Father Ted: So, uh, how long has she been in her room? (starts laughing) Sorry...well?
Hyacinth: I doubt she's even awake yet. After all, she was up a bit late last night. How could she not with a father like this. If it were up to me, I'd advise that we postpone the wedding.
George: Well, tish and pish to your advice! I paid good money for this wedding and I'm damned if I'm going to let it all go to waste.
Hyacinth: All right. Blackadder!
George: Of course! Blackadder will deal with it. He's even organizing the entertainment.

Enter Blackadder.

Blackadder: Good morning, sir. Sleep well?
George: Well, Saffy certainly is! Wake her up, Blackadder.
Blackadder: Very well.
George: I say, Blackadder, where's that dress we had you made up in last night.
Blackadder: Oh, I daren't let the surprise go to waste now. Not before the wedding.

Blackadder kicks down the door to Saffy's room and enters it.

Father Ted: This is a lovely flat you've got here. How much do you pay for it each month?
George: Eh?

Blackadder returns.

George: Very good, Blackadder! That's the way to snap her out of it. In a mere few seconds, she will be radiantly dressed in white and will be marching towards her future man. How is she, anyway?
Blackadder: She's dead, sir.
George: What?
Blackadder: Yes, sir. Why do you think she lies motionless on the floor without any texture in her skin?
George: Thought she might have been resting.
Hyacinth: (weeping) SAFFRON!!
Father Ted: My God, that's terrible!
Edina: Oh, woe! Our eldest and only daughter is slain! Hyacinth, where's the champagne, I really need a drink.
Hyacinth: Honestly, is that all you can think about now?
Edina: YES!!
Blackadder: Tragic, sir.
George: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, but what are we going to do about all these musicians and wedding guests!? I spent all that bloody money, now I can't even get myself a bird tonight! I say, Father, it'll be a bit difficult to go on with this wedding if she's dead!
Father Ted: Well...naturally, George.
Blackadder: And it's much more than that, sir. Lord Flasheart will be expecting his bride any minute now. Whatever shall we do about him?

Flasheart crashes through the wall.

Lord Flasheart: IT'S...ME!! HOORAY!!
Blackadder: Nice to see you, Lord Flash.
Lord Flasheart: Nice to see you, old Slack Bladder!
Blackadder: My thoughts exactly. Now, I'm afraid we've some bad news.
Lord Flasheart: Oh damn, one of the alter boys died in the SACK again, didn't they!? Oh well, now that I'm here, we might as well DOOOOOOO IT!!
Blackadder: No, it's not that. I'm afraid your fiancee is dead.

Silence.

Lord Flasheart: Oh, well. I can always turn necrophilia!

Blackadder and Father Ted hold him back.

Lord Flasheart: Oh, it's like that, is it? Sorry, didn't realize you blokes had first dibs on her. Right, well I've got to fly. Ten million chicks and only one Flasheart. And remember, if you want something, take it!

Flasheart grabs a girl and exits.

George: Right, um, can you do funerals?
Father Ted: Yes.
George: Right, then, we might as well get on with it...now that we're here. Right, everyone. Let's get ready here.

All exit except for Blackadder. Enter Baldrick in a dress and red lipstick.

Baldrick: I'm not too late, am I?

End of Act IV.