ACT V

SCENE I

Pythonland. Once again, Lucas is being pestered by the Cheeky Fellow.

Cheeky Fellow: Was your bird interested in....photography, eh? Photographs, eh? He asked him knowlingly?
Lucas: Photography?
Cheeky Fellow: Snap snap, grin grin, wink wink, nudge nudge, saynomore?
Lucas: I'm afraid I don't know.
Cheeky Fellow: Oh. (leeringly) Still, mooooooh, ay? Mwoohohohohoo, ay? Hohohohohoho, ay?
Lucas: Look, are you insinuating something?
Cheeky Fellow: Oh, no, no, no...yes.
Lucas: Well?
Cheeky Fellow: Well, you're a man of the world, squire. I mean, you've been around a bit, you know, like, you've, uh.... You've "done it"....
Lucas: What do you mean?
Cheeky Fellow: Well, I mean...you've, like, slept, with a lady...
Lucas: (puzzled) Yes?
Cheeky Fellow: What's it like?

Enter Manuel.

Manuel: Mr. Lucas!! Mr. Lucas!!
Lucas: Manuel!
Manuel: I have some bad news about Saffy.
Lucas: Well, what is it?
Manuel: Que?
Lucas: What is it?
Manuel: Que?
Lucas: What...is...news...Saffy.
Manuel: Oh, si, si. Saffy...is... (struggling)
Lucas: Saffy...is...
Manuel: Dead!
Lucas: What!?
Manuel: She drop dead in sleep last night. They have funeral. Father Crilly very upset.
Lucas: I don't believe this! This can't be happening.

Lucas runs straight into a wall.

Lucas: Damn, it's not a dream. Right! There's only one way to do this like a man.

Enter Ken Shabby.

Lucas: Ken the Apothecary!
Ken Shabby: That's Ken Shabby the Apothecary to you, mate!
Lucas: Do you have anything for a quick and relatively painless suicide, Mr. Shabby?
Ken Shabby: Oh yeah, I've got just the thing for ya, mate!
Lucas: What is it?
Ken Shabby: A rat. (takes it out) Lovely, innit!?
Lucas: I suppose...when you put your mind to it.
Ken Shabby: Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry, squire, I've gobbed on your jacket!
Lucas: That's quite alright. Now, how much for the rat?
Ken Shabby: Hundred and two quid.
Lucas: Damn, I've only got ninepence.
Ken Shabby: Oh, well. That'll do. See ya in the afterlife, mate.
Lucas: Thanks!

Lucas takes the rat and exits. The Cheeky Fellow approaches Ken Shabby.

Cheeky Fellow: Is your, uh, is your wife a goer, eh?

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SCENE II

Parochial House. Father Ted is reading the newspaper. Dougal enters.

Father Ted: Ah, Dougal! Did you send the telegram?
Father Dougal: The what?
Father Ted: The telegram...the message.
Father Dougal: Oh right, yeah.
Father Ted: You sent it, then?
Father Dougal: (stops to think for a minute and then...) No.
Father Ted: What!?
Father Dougal: Well, I would've done it, Ted, except I forgot...so I couldn't.
Father Ted: Oh, gobshite! We've got to get to Pythonland right now before it's too late!

Ted frantically exits.

Father Dougal: Where you going off to, Ted?

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SCENE III

Charnel House. Saffy and Vyvyan both lie next to each other in glass tombs. Lord Flasheart is looking at them, along with Blackadder.

Blackadder: So, as you can see, based on the latest in burial technology, the corpses should not decompose for at least another six months. That's almost triple the average rate.
Lord Flasheart: Right, so she'll be sexy for another six months then.
Blackadder: Why, yes, of course. Now, if you'll just look into this cannon, you'll see what technology has done for us in our war with the Fawlties.
Lord Flasheart: (head in the cannon) Fan-bloody-tastic!

The cannon goes off.

Blackadder: Git.

Enter Lucas.

Lucas: Saffy!!
Blackadder: What are you doing here?
Lucas: I've come to pay respects to the woman I love! If that's a problem, then do something about it.

Blackadder shoots Lucas with the cannon and exits. Lucas is dead instantly. Saffy awakens. Father Ted enters.

Saffy: What's going on?
Father Ted: Saffy, thank God I found you! There seems to be a bit of a mix-up. You see, Lucas thought you were dead and-- oh.
Saffy: What? I can't see a thing.
Father Ted: Well...you know how when people die, they all go to Heaven?
Saffy: Yes?

Father Ted exits frantically.

Saffy: Lucas...dead?

Saffy gets up and feels her way around. At first, she accidentally knocks over Vyvyan's casket. She picks up the dead rat.

Saffy: What's this? Why, it appears to be a dead rat. One bite of this and I shall be in Heaven with my darling Lucas forever more. Fear not, my love. I am coming!

Saffy bites off its head and dies. The rest of the surviving cast enters except for Father Ted, Dougal, Jack, Mrs. Doyle, Baldrick, Sybil, and the Major.

Basil: So Sybil's dead of an ingrowing toenail somehow, Lucas got shot, Humphrese?
Humphrese: Yes?
Basil: I'm rather old. Would you mind doing all the work from now on?
Humphrese: Oh, of course not!
George: I say, Basil, I may be as thick as a whale omelette--
Blackadder: Correct.
George: But if I've ever learned anything in my entire life, it's that this incident should end in some kind of happy note. What do you say, Bas? Care to make up for all the pain and heartache we've caused each other?
Basil: Yeah, all right.
George: In fact, I shall build a golden statue of the two lovebirds to symbolize it! Are you with me, everyone?
All: Yeah!

Enter Major.

Major: Right, stop that! This show has gotten far too silly. Now, as you know, there's only a certain amount of silliness I can take in one sitting. So, when I yell the word I want the curtain puller to close the curtain. Right. CURTAIN!!

The curtain falls.