Decisions of the Heart
Chapter Four
By Baine
Email: lady_baine@yahoo.com
Written: December 31, 2002
Posted: April 18, 2003
Summary: "So, Momo, it's time to choose. Who's it gonna be, him or me? You can't have us both, you know..."
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Notes are at the bottom!!
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*I'm in love with Nurse Misao…*
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"I don't believe you, Kiley! Stop lying to me!"
The nerve of that jerk! To think that he can pull a fast one on me after admitting less than a week ago that he had feelings for me!
I feel tears forming at the corner of my eyes. I can't let him see me cry. He can't know how much his words have affected me. He can't.
I raise my hand and slap him.
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I'll always remember
It was late afternoon
It lasted forever
And ended so soon
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Oh my god, I didn't just—I did. My shock is reflected on his face, which has become slightly pink. I must have hit him harder than I thought I had.
I stare at him, concerned, then shake myself from my trance with a toss of my head. He doesn't deserve my sympathy after the stunt he pulled.
Damn it. The tears are threatening to flow down my cheeks now. I stifle a sob as I turn and flee.
As I turn back onto the crowded street, I can't contain the tears any longer. They flow down my face as I sink to the ground, my back pressed against a nearby building for support.
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You were all by yourself
Staring up at a dark gray sky
I was changed
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My tears fall to the ground, forming two small puddles that merge together to form a miniature stream on the sidewalk.
I draw my knees to my chest and press my face to them as I rock back and forth, no longer trying to hide my anguish.
I don't understand what happened. How could he claim to be in love with her? Why, not only is she years older than him, she's already out of school and working! He has to be lying...but why?
Oh, if only I hadn't been too absorbed in my own feelings of grief to see his expression! His eyes could have told me everything...
A wisp of an image breaks free from where I've stored it and presses itself against my memory. My eyes widen and my breath stills. The picture of Nurse Misao...it was old. It had been folded and unfolded so many times that small white lines ran across her face and the colors had begun to fade. Not to mention, she had been a lot younger back then.
The photo had been in his wallet for a long time. Kiley really hadn't been lying.
The thought leaves me frozen in horror. My tears freeze to my face as my body begins to gasp for air.
No. It isn't possible. Kiley isn't...I mean...No. He simply can't be...
But he is. My eyes close in agony.
Why? I don't understand. How could he lead me on all these months when he was in love with somebody else? Why had he wanted me to choose between him and Toji if he knew he didn't want me?
Is this all a cruel joke? Does he hate me that much? I never should have trusted that playboy. He seems to have a new girl at his side every day.
I was the one girl who never fell for his so-called charms. I refused to have anything to do with him.
Oh, how that must have irritated him! Does he see me as nothing more than a trophy? An object he had to require, only to discard as soon as it was in his possession? No. It couldn't be.
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In places no one will find
All your feelings so deep inside (deep inside)
It was there that I realized
That forever was in your eyes
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Kiley made me feel...special. From the start, he's been nothing but supportive of me. He's been at my side every step of the way as I battled Sae. He helped me finally get Toji. He was there for me through every breakup, during every bad moment. He has become my rock. I draw my strength from him.
How could he do something so...so...
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The moment I saw you cry
The moment that I saw you cry
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I stifle a sob and run my hand across my face wiping away my tears. My eyes narrow. He couldn't have. Something is wrong with this picture.
I mean, if he's in love with her, why is he such a playboy? Unless it's all to make her jealous...
All I can do is hypothesize. Why? I can't even begin to comprehend the workings of that boy's demented mind.
I look up into the sky. While I was lost in my own world, the sky had preceded to paint itself a dreary shade of gray. Oh well. Gray suits my mood better than that baby blue did anyway.
I glance down at my watch. Five after. It's later than I had realized. I should go home, make dinner, take a shower, do...No. My stomach is in too many knots to even think about food right now. Besides, as soon as I walk through that door, I'll be hit with a barrage of questions…questions that I really don't feel like answering right now.
No, I think I just want to be alone for awhile. Not here, though.
I rub my hands against my skirt and rise to my feet, using the wall I've been resting against as an aide.
It's getting dark. I shouldn't be out here too much later…not with all the crazy men in this town.
I make my way downtown, stopping outside the ice cream parlor. Its quaint little booths no longer bring visions of dates to my head as it did earlier today. No, now it seems to mock me.
I pry myself away from the window and continue walking. I turn at the next streetlight and come to a well-lighted part of town.
The town square is always really crowded. I feel safest here, like nothing bad can happen to me.
There aren't a lot of people around at the moment. Everyone's gone home for dinner. If I was smart, I'd go home, too. But no. My feet have a mind of their own.
I make my way to the fountain in the middle of the square. This has always been my favorite area of where I live. The fountain makes my town feel almost...enchanted. Like anything could happen.
I mean, in that American cartoon Beauty and the Beast, the movie's heroine sat at a fountain and dreamed of a fairytale world. Look at how happy her life turned out. If anything, it's picturesque. I often come here to think. Today is no different.
As I approach the fountain, I come to a sudden halt and my hand rises to clasp my mouth.
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It was late in September
And I've seen you before (and you were)
You were always the cold one
But I was never that sure
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Is it my imagination, or is that Kiley?
I watch as he stands and looks up into the sky. I still can't make out anything more than his profile...but I think I can recognize that by now.
He bends down, then turns to face the fountain, pulls his arm back and throws something into the water. When he turns again, his face is illuminated by a nearby lamppost.
It is him. I should march up to him, confront him, demand that he...oh. He's begun walking towards me.
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You were all by yourself
Staring at a dark gray sky
I was changed
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I am surrounded by shadows, so he doesn't see me as he makes his way forward. I take the time to stare at him. My eyes absorb his features greedily. The way his messy hair falls into his eyes, hiding their color...and the fact that he's...crying?
I do a double take as he walks closer. He definitely has tears in his eyes. Why? Over what happened earlier? That can't be it. He's the one who instigated the whole incident to begin with!
He stands a foot in front of me now. As he lifts his head from the ground, he sees me standing before him and stops, shock evident on his face.
"I...Momo?"
I stare at him in wonder. "You're crying..." I raise my hand to touch his face, then remember myself and drop it.
"No." His voice is gruff. "I'm just..."
"Crying."
He glares at me. "What do you want, Momo? How long have you been standing here spying on me?"
"Not long. I was on my way to the fountain when I saw you walking towards me."
"I...It's late. You should be at home."
"So should you."
"You're a girl."
"Gee, so glad you noticed."
"Look, Momo, I—"
"Can we talk, Kiley?"
"We...What for? We have nothing left to say to one another."
"That isn't true and you know it." I reach out and grab his arm. "Talk to me, Kiley."
"About what?"
"What happened this afternoon?"
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In places no one will find
All your feelings so deep inside (deep inside)
It was there that I realized
That forever was in your eyes
The moment I saw you cry
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"Nothing."
"Bullshit." I drag him back to the fountain and sit down, pulling him down with me.
"Momo, I need to—"
"Sit. That's all you need to do right now."
"But I—"
"No, Kiley." I stare at him and steel my voice. "What happened today?" I cut him off as I see him open his mouth again. "I want the truth."
He gives an exaggerated sigh and twiddles his thumbs. "Nothing, Momo, I just...I mean, I told you the truth earlier today."
"Why? So that I would realize that choosing you was the wrong thing to do?"
"Well...yeah."
"Then why didn't you ever tell me about her before, Kiley? I mean, come on, it isn't like you haven't had plenty of opportunities!"
"I dunno, I—"
"You what, Kiley? What? Do you even remember what you said to me last week?"
"I..."
"Damn it, Kiley, you told me to choose between you and Toji! You made it seem like choosing you was an option! What changed?"
"Nothing, I just—"
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I wanted to hold you
I wanted to make it go away
I wanted to know you
I wanted to make your everything, all right....
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"You're lying to me again." I stare at him sadly and he averts his eyes. "Damn it, Kiley! Why the hell do you have to make this so hard? I'll wrangle the truth from you if it kills me!" I wet my lips. He still isn't looking at me.
"Kiley."
Nothing. He didn't even flinch.
"Kiley."
My voice is sharper now.
"Kiley!"
Finally!
As he looks up at me, I take a moment to observe his face. I lock eyes with him and in that instant, I can see all the pain and fear that clouds his eyes.
"You're scared."
"I...What?"
"Of what, Kiley? Me?"
"I...don't know what you're talking about."
"Yes you do."
A frown mars his face. "Momo..."
"Yes?"
"You don't understand, I—"
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I'll always remember...
It was late afternoon...
In places no one will find...
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"So make me understand." I sigh as he continues to stare at me like a cornered wolf. "Look, Kiley, I'm scared too. Terrified, actually. I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve and you're rejecting me. Why can't you believe me?"
"It's not...I don't...I mean..." He takes a deep breath as he stares into my eyes. "You need to go back to him, Momo."
"...What?"
"Go back to your precious Toji. A beautiful princess like you deserves a dashing prince, not a frog like me."
I watch in shock as he lowers his eyes away from mine and slips his hands into the pockets of his jeans. Of all the arrogant, conceited things to say...
Why is he still hung up over the whole Toji thing? I don't love Toji. I love him. "Oh, Kiley..."
What can I do to convince him? I know now that he pulled that stunt today in order to get me to go back to Toji. Why does he have such low self-esteem? After all we've been through...
How can he not realize that he is good enough for me and that *he* is the only one I want?
He acts so selfless...but on the inside? He must really be hurting. I need to be the bigger one. I need to take matters into my own hands.
I smile softly and lean towards him, forcing him to look up at me once more. "Didn't you know, Kiley?"
"Know what?"
I pull closer to him until I can feel his warm breath wafting against my cheek. "Sometimes frogs make the best princes of all."
"But I—"
"You may not think you deserve me, Okayasu Kiley, but I know that I deserve you."
"How...How can you..."
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In places no one will find
All your feelings so deep inside (deep inside)
It was there that I realized
That forever was in your eyes
The moment I saw you cry
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"Blame it on my magnanimous heart." I press my nose against his. "Tonight, let's just forget everything. Please, Kiley. We'll pretend the list of who-hurt-who-most doesn't exist. We'll have a clean slate. You deserve me as much as I deserve you...If you still can't come to terms with the fact, I'll knock it into your thick skull later."
"And...now?"
"Now..." I close my eyes and press my lips to his briefly before pulling back. "Now is the start of a new future, Kiley. What do you say? Are you going to reject me again?"
I stare at him expectantly and watch as a new light enters his eyes. I can see my reflection in those eyes. Right now, I am his world as much as he is mine.
I move my hand to his face and gently wipe away the tears that linger in the corner of his eyes. "So, Kiley? What do you say?"
I remember the heartbreaking words he said to me a mere week ago and seize upon them, working them to my advantage.
"Please, Kiley. Don't lead me on any longer. It's your turn to choose now. Do you want me or not? I can turn the tables too, you know. If you reject me now, I'll move on."
I nibble on my lip as I throw his words back into his face. "I'll become bitter and hateful, and our relationship will be ruined. If you reject me, I won't be able to see you without feeling a storm of hurt brewing within me every time we talk."
I pull back to look at him. "That's how much I love you, Kiley. That's how easy it is for you to hurt me. My heart is in your hands now." I lower my head and whisper, "Please don't break it...please."
He still hasn't said anything. I frown as I stare down at my nails. My polish is chipping, I really need to—
"...Momo?"
"Yeah?"
His fingers grip my chin as he pulls my head up. "Did you mean it?"
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Baby cry
Moment that I saw you cry
Oh no no
I think I saw you cry
The moment I saw you cry
I wanted to know you, I wanted to love you.....
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"Every word."
"I mean..." He pauses and licks his lips. "Do you really...can you really love me?"
"Of course I can. I do. I love you, Okayasu Kiley...so much."
He smiles and rubs his fingers against the flesh beneath my chin. "And I love you, Adachi Momo."
"Really?"
"Truly." He bends forward. This time it is he who kisses me...and I kiss him back with an intensity that surprises even myself.
We may still have problems to work out later. We may not ever have a fairytale romance. But we have each other...and that's all that matters. Nothing good comes easy. We have a long road ahead of us, a road full of unexpected ups and downs...but that's neither here nor now.
Right now, the only thing I'm concerned with is this instant in time. He loves me and I love him. What more do I need to know?
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And that's a wrap. I'm done. Done! Whoo! Hope y'all liked it! I know I liked writing it...And I have a bucketload of new stuff on its way! ^_^
I want to thank Chibi Anon for placing the lyrics for me—As always, you've done a great job, imouto!
To Kuris—You're an amazing editor, thank you so much for everything (even if I only glossed over your advice about the pain...it just didn't work when I tried to add it ^^;
Quickening—It's been fun. It's been real. It's been great...and now I have nothing to blackmail you with! ::wails:: (Eureka! NOW you get my plea for two chapters!
Azurite—WTF? Been there, done that, it's over with. We're still cool, chica. ^_^ Write some Golden Apple!
Fin--Thanks for the title! It's been so hard to get a title for this baka story…….::sighs::
I'd also like to thank everyone who has taken the time to read this fic. Thank you. (Yes, you!)
Long list of thank yous, eh? ^^;;;;;;;
As always, Peach Girl belongs to Miwa Ueda. Although, I decided to change Kairi back to Kiley...that's what everyone recognizes him as, anyway!
And...that's it. I hope y'all enjoyed my ramblings! ^^;
.' *
BAINE
*:. . *
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Finished December 31, 2002
Song: ~"Cry," Mandy Moore~
(Like it? Hate it? I'm the one to talk to! Email lady_baine@yahoo.com today!)