Title: Wondering
Summary: Cordelia shares with Angel what she's been wondering for the last 2 years. Just some A/C fluff and friendship.
Feedback: Always welcomed…whatever kind it is!
Disclaimer: Nothing's mine, blah, blah, blah…you know the routine.
Angel sat in his office chair and pulled out a book from his desk. He propped his feet up and relaxed to spend a nice evening reading. There hadn't been any demons or visions or anything and it was now or never to actually get some reading time done. Wesley and Gunn had gone home and Cordelia was…actually he really didn't know where she was. His curiosity got the better of him as he dropped his feet to the floor and placed his book on his desk.
So much for spending a nice evening reading.
He at least wanted to know where she was just to make sure she was safe. He exited his office and looked around to see if she was around. All the lights were off which usually meant that he was the only one in the hotel. He walked to the receptionist's desk and phoned Cordelia's apartment to see if she was there. After a couple of rings he placed the phone back indicating that she wasn't there or not answering. Concern began to build up as he thought furiously of other possible places she could be. She wouldn't just leave somewhere without telling him. He decided to head upstairs to search the rooms.
He looked in each of the 349 rooms and found no sign of her. There was one room left which was at the end of the hall on the right. He approached the door and saw a small light emerge from the crack at the bottom of the door. He went into fighting mood preparing for whatever it was that was behind it. He slowly opened the door making sure not to make any sudden noises. The room was dark and the only light that could be seen was coming from the moon shining through the open window across the room. A chair was placed right in front of the window and the only thing that was visible was a pair of legs hanging off the arm of the chair. Angel sighed in relieve because he knew that those were the legs of only one person.
Cordelia.
He approached her silently from behind the chair and watched as she looked out at the night sky. The moonlight shown softly on her face and outlined the best feature on her face. Her eyes. He watched as she closed her eyes and sighed smelling the fresh air. He folded his arms across the top of the chair and placed his chin on them as he as well stared out into the brightly lit city.
"Beautiful isn't?" whispered Cordelia not even looking away from the scenery. Angel was shocked that she even knew that he was there. He looked down at his seer and smiled.
"Yeah it is. How did you know I was here?" She smiled slightly and looked up at him.
"I've been with you for 2 years now. I know when and how you sneak up on people. I think that came with the visions." Cordelia turned to look back out the window and Angel chuckled lightly. He looked down in her lap and saw that she had a pen and a notebook. He reached out to grab the book and she grabbed his hand in hers. He looked down at her and she was again looking at him.
"What are you writing?"
"I never ask you what you're painting." She placed his hand on her head and he knew what she wanted. He went around and sat on the arm of the chair and laid her head in his lap letting her hair cascade over it. He ran his fingers through her hair and she closed her eyes, feeling the soft caress of his fingers in her hair. He looked down at her face and smiled.
"Do you ever wonder why you found me? Does it ever feel awkward to you that I'm here with you instead of Buffy?" Angel stopped his movements and thought for a while. She noticed he wasn't moving and opened her eyes to look up at him. He was looking out the window and looked like he was in deep thought. She got up, placing her notebook on the seat, and walked over to the window.
"I do." Angel snapped out from his thoughts and looked at the young girl now standing by the windowsill.
"I think about it all the time."
"Why?"
"Because it's weird…me, you, Wesley, Gunn. Who would have thought?"
"Everything happens for a reason."
"Yeah but it was the great Buffy and Angel…the everlasting love that could never be broken. Yet here you are and here I am and…she's in Sunnydale. I'm not trying to sound bitchy because I'm trying to leave that behind me but I wonder sometimes. What it would be like if I had never met you." Angel slid into the chair and listened as she continued.
"Would I be an actress right now? Would I still be in Sunnydale hanging out with the people that I knew I never belong to? Would I be still at home trying to hide from the screaming and the cursing and the beating and…the abuse?"
Angel was shocked. She had never really opened up to him like that before. He never really looked into her life or how she had it before she came to L.A. He was so interested in Buffy that he never even wondered. Wondering. Isn't that what they were doing right now?
Wondering?
Angel rose from his seat and positioned himself opposite of Cordelia against the windowsill. He looked into her face as she watched the city below them. He saw the fear and confusion and the compassion all at once. He watched as a tear rolled down her cheek but she quickly wiped it away. She looked back at him and forced a smile.
"What about you? What do you think you would be if you had never met me?" Angel hesitated for a while but knew the right answer.
"Lost." Cordelia's eyes widen in shock and then she began to laugh. Angel frowned.
"What's so funny?"
"No…seriously Angel…what would you be if you never met me?"
"I'm serious Cordelia. I think I'd probably be lost." She stopped laughing and crossed her arms. Angel looked out into the night as he spoke.
"Buffy and I…yeah I loved her and I still do but if it was meant to be don't you think I would be with her right now? What has happened to us has happened for a reason. If I hadn't met you I would be lost not knowing what to do."
"If that's the case. You would have had Wesley and Gunn."
"True but it's not the same. Who then would carry the visions that will lead me to a life of humanity again?" Cordelia huffed and rolled her eyes. She uncrossed her arms and walked towards the mirror on the other end of the room.
"Yeah, a humanity that will lead you right back to Buffy. Am I right?" She looked at herself in the mirror and just stared at her reflection.
"I mean…I like Buffy and all because she was my friend…well sort of, but she is a remarkable woman and she has done the impossible but…" She blinked a couple of times to bring her focus back. She ran her hands through her hair and turned back around to look at Angel as she wrapped her arms around her body as if cold.
"I don't know. I'm just trying to figure out why of all people would fate allow *me* to be the one that would help you in your journey to redemption. I mean come on now…this is Cordelia Chase you're looking at. The former bitch queen of Sunnydale that could get anything or anyone I wanted." Angel walked towards her listening as she continued to talk.
"I don't know what I'm saying. I just find it really weird that out of this whole city we happened to bump into each other at the same party." Angel stood in front of Cordelia and looked into her face. He wrapped his arms around her much to her surprise and held her tightly.
"Because fate had a hand in it. I think we were meant to be here together for both of us to find redemption and from the looks of it you seem to be on the right path and making great progress." Cordelia chuckled a little and wrapped her arms around his neck to close the gap between them. They stood like that for a while and then Cordelia pulled back a little not unwrapping her arms from his neck. She leaned her forehead against his and closed her eyes as she sighed.
"Thanks Angel. And for the record I think that your progress is just as good as mine." Angel cupped her face in one of his hands and kissed her forehead.
"Yeah well mine will be a little longer then yours though. I've done a *tiny* bit more then you." Cordelia chuckled again.
"Tiny eh?" He rolled his eyes.
"OK maybe a little more." She smiled and hugged him tightly.
"Thanks Angel. I think you put a stop to my wondering."
"I'm glad. But don't you ever think for a moment that you don't belong here with me because you do. We didn't know each other that much in Sunnydale but you *now* are my best friend in this world." Cordelia pulled back and smiled warmly at his words. She detangled herself from his embrace and walked towards the door of the room.
"I'm going to go home now. I'll see you in the morning."
"OK. Good night Cordy."
"Night Angel." She exited the room. Angel looked around and noticed that she had left her notebook and ran to get it and give it to her.
"Cordy you left your…notebook." When he looked out of the room she was nowhere in sight.
"Sometimes I think she does that better then I do." He shook his head and looked down at the notebook. He turned it around to look at the page she was on and found a poem that she seemed to be writing. He stared at the words and read them over and over again hearing her voice reciting the words in his head.
Wondering
I wonder what went wrong
When I ended up here,
Wasn't this life meant for Buffy
It feels so unclear.
I wonder why I'm here
Helping him instead of her,
Why fate led me to him
How such a thing could occur?
I wonder what he was thinking
When he found me and took me in,
Giving me a second chance
And looking at the self within.
I wonder how he did it
How he saw the real me,
He showed me to just be myself
Something I thought I'd never be.
I wonder what made him leave
The only love that was true,
She was his everything
I still have no clue.
I wonder what use I am to him
Just to get visions and help him out,
Because I know he'll get what he wants
And leave without a doubt.
But now I'll wonder no more
Because I know what he would prefer,
Getting back his humanity
And going back to her.
I don't know why I think this way. I guess I'm just wondering.
Angel hugged the notebook to his chest and closed his eyes. He never knew she felt this way and why she never told him. She was so full of sadness and guilt and it tore him up that he couldn't do anything about it. He opened his eyes and sighed as he looked down at the notebook once more. He tightly held the notebook in his hands as he exited the room reciting Cordelia's poem in his head.
Wondering. *************************************************************************************** You know I like to hear from you guys so send me that good old feedback my way. And yes I made up that poem all by myself. Peaceout! ~Michele~