Disclaimer: I don't own Mulder, or Scully, or Krycek, or anything else to do with the X-Files. *sniff* Also. I don't own Goldfish or the Goldfish jingle. Although I do like those tasty little Goldfish…
[MULDER and SCULLY are in a car, headed for the entrance to KRYCEK's (not so) secret underground lair. SCULLY looks annoyed. MULDER is humming along with the radio, which is in fact not even on a real song, but the Goldfish commercial jingle. He starts singing off key, causing SCULLY to groan and cover her ears.]
MULDER: This is our jingle for Goldfish, those tasty little Goldfish, the wholesome snack that smiles back until you bite their heads off, and did you know they're made with real chee… CHEESE! (cries) Oh my cheese, will I ever know your cheesy goodness again?
SCULLY (tentatively removing her hands from her ears): Mulder, what is so darn special about your cheese? Why is it oh-so important that we get it back?
MULDER (wails): CHEESE! Oh, my poor cheese! What evil my poor cheese must be suffering in the hands of the foul Krycek!
SCULLY: Mulder, are you even listening to me?
MULDER: MY POOR SWEET CHEESE!
SCULLY (sighs): I'll take that as a "no".
MULDER: Did you say something?
SCULLY: Yes, Mulder, I did. I asked you what was so special about your rotten cheese that we drive halfway across the state of Maryland to get to what you claim is Krycek's underground lair, but which is in fact an old sewer!
MULDER: It is his underground lair. He picked that spot because it is as foul smelling and disgusting as he is!
SCULLY: You're one to talk, stinky-cheese man.
MULDER: (cries) MY CHEESE! OH, MY POOR INNOCENT CHEESE!
SCULLY: You still haven't answered my question.
MULDER: You won't believe me.
SCULLY: That's never stopped you before.
MULDER: Good point. Anyway, my cheese, which you so ridiculously describe as rotten, moldy, and stinky (SCULLY thinks: Because it is…) is the master cheese, and anyone who owns it commands all the cheese in the entire world. The master cheese can be used for good or evil, and in the hands of the foul Krycek who knows what damage it could do?
SCULLY: (stares)
MULDER: I told you that you wouldn't believe me.
SCULLY: You seriously believe that your cheese controls all of the cheese in the world?
MULDER: I don't just believe, I know.
SCULLY: You're scaring me, Mulder.
MULDER: We must DRIVE ON! Already Krycek may be assembling his mighty CHEESE ARMY OF DOOM!
SCULLY: (sighs)
[MULDER begins singing along with the commercials again, and SCULLY is now prepared and stuffs earplugs in her ears. They pull up to a deserted place and MULDER looks distraught.]
MULDER: I'm distraught.
SCULLY: Why? Is it because of your godforsaken CHEESE?
MULDER: No.
SCULLY: That's a relief.
MULDER: Well, I guess it is. Sort of.
SCULLY: (groans) Great…
MULDER: I don't sense the presence of the master cheese!
SCULLY: You can sense its PRESENCE?!?!
MULDER: What? It's not like I can't do it with anything else!
SCULLY: Whatever Mulder, just go beat Krycek to death and let's move on.
MULDER: That's a great idea! I bet I can get him to tell us where he has hidden the master cheese! Then we can go find it and maybe even take over the world!
SCULLY: You're getting a little extreme there. I'm not sure if I want to take over the world. Wayyyyy too much responsibility. You'd have to feed everybody, for crying out loud!
MULDER: Oh, okay. Then we'll just find it before whoever has it takes over the world.
SCULLY: I thought you were convinced that Krycek had it.
MULDER: Yeah, but he might have an accomplice.
SCULLY: Oh.
[They go into the sewer, where MULDER finds KRYCEK and beats him to half-death, which killed him because, if you recall correctly, MANDI already half-killed him. But before that, SCULLY got him to tell them what happened to the master cheese. She thought he was lying, but that was the only thing she got out of him before MULDER killed him.]
SCULLY: What'd you do that for?
MULDER: He already told you what happened to the cheese, duh.
SCULLY: Hel-lo! He was lying! I know it!
MULDER (rolls eyes): Well sor-ry!
SCULLY: Whatever. Maybe we should try to find this Mandi character anyway. For all we know she's real.
MULDER: I thought that you thought that I was insane because of my cheese, Scully. You believe me now? (doesn't wait for an answer) That's so great!!!
SCULLY: (rolls eyes) Whatever you want to believe, Mulder.
MULDER: Let's follow my cheese sense! I think the cheese went (sniffs air)(points east) THATAWAY!
SCULLY: You do realize that "thataway" isn't a word.
MULDER: You do realize that you just said it. SO THERE!
SCULLY: Hmph!
TBC…