Chapter 3: The Hogwarts Express
In only a day's time, agents Mulder and Scully were down in jolly old England. They had found some fake identities, and used them to the advantage. The two agents now had undercover jobs, Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers at Hogwarts. Mulder and Scully were dressed in strange robes that they had come upon in Diagon Alley. Scully wore green, and Mulder wore red. It seemed that the two didn't know what the hell they had gotten themselves into, but nevertheless, there they were, down at Kings Cross Station, trying to figure out where the platform lay.
"We're never going to find that fucking platform!" Mulder whined, punching the wall.
"Yeah," Scully mumbled, looking equally stumped, "let's go the fuck home."
"Did I hear you say you were lost?" asked a large man that was about seven meters taller than Scully.
"No, you heard us say, FUCK OFF! Listen, hobo, we don't have any money, so piss off," Mulder instructed.
"No! I'm not a hobo! I'm Hagrid, grounds keeper of Hogwarts at your service," the man said, lunging forward to shake Mulder's hand, all the while, stepping on Scully.
"Hey!" Scully screeched.
"Sorry, wee one," Hagrid said, taking his foot of the short agent's back.
"Bitch," Scully mumbled.
"Excuse me? Did I just hear profanity from a CHILD?" Hagrid asked.
"I'm not a child! I'm forty-two!" Scully cried.
"Jesus Christ, she's tiny!" Hagrid whispered to Mulder, "In fact. She looks a bit like a baby!"
Mulder looked at Hagrid with a bit of shock.
"C'mere! I'm gonna eat ya!" Hagrid boomed, chasing after Scully, "I'm bigger than you, I'm higher in the food chain! Get in my belly!"
"Um, Hagrid, no, okay?" Mulder said.
"Listen, sir, I'll give you directions to Hogwarts and I'll pay you money, and I'll get your baby!"
"Right."
"I want my baby back, baby back, baby back ribs. I want my baby back, baby back, baby back ribs. Chili's baby back ribs!" Hagrid sang, like he was Fat Bastard off Austin Powers.
"Listen, okay? Scully and I work together, and plus, she's MY posse."
"Sorry," Hagrid said, "This way, everybody." Scully dusted herself off and followed the man that had just tried to devour her. Hagrid pressed a little red button on a remote control that opened a portal to nine and three quarters. The large man walked through the wall; calling to M and S, "Hurry up!"
Mulder shrugged, and stepped through the wall with no problem. Scully looked around, feeling quite nervous, and walked straight into the wall. "Ow! Jesus!" Scully cried, holding her nose that had banged into the brick wall.
"Sorry," Hagrid's voice echoed. Scully flipped the wall the bird and walked through.
In only about half an hour, Hagrid and the undercover agents had arrived at Hogwarts. "Sir, baby-I mean ma'am, you two never told me your names," Hagrid uttered.
"I'm professor Falcon Moldy, and this is professor Dianne Sculder, we're the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers," Mulder introduced.
Hagrid shivered.
"What's wrong?" Mulder asked.
"Nothing, just, um. Lately, the DADA teachers have been . . . Not important," Hagrid quickly said.
The agents shrugged and walked into the large castle.
End of Chapter 3
=== More squashed Scully to come! ===
In only a day's time, agents Mulder and Scully were down in jolly old England. They had found some fake identities, and used them to the advantage. The two agents now had undercover jobs, Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers at Hogwarts. Mulder and Scully were dressed in strange robes that they had come upon in Diagon Alley. Scully wore green, and Mulder wore red. It seemed that the two didn't know what the hell they had gotten themselves into, but nevertheless, there they were, down at Kings Cross Station, trying to figure out where the platform lay.
"We're never going to find that fucking platform!" Mulder whined, punching the wall.
"Yeah," Scully mumbled, looking equally stumped, "let's go the fuck home."
"Did I hear you say you were lost?" asked a large man that was about seven meters taller than Scully.
"No, you heard us say, FUCK OFF! Listen, hobo, we don't have any money, so piss off," Mulder instructed.
"No! I'm not a hobo! I'm Hagrid, grounds keeper of Hogwarts at your service," the man said, lunging forward to shake Mulder's hand, all the while, stepping on Scully.
"Hey!" Scully screeched.
"Sorry, wee one," Hagrid said, taking his foot of the short agent's back.
"Bitch," Scully mumbled.
"Excuse me? Did I just hear profanity from a CHILD?" Hagrid asked.
"I'm not a child! I'm forty-two!" Scully cried.
"Jesus Christ, she's tiny!" Hagrid whispered to Mulder, "In fact. She looks a bit like a baby!"
Mulder looked at Hagrid with a bit of shock.
"C'mere! I'm gonna eat ya!" Hagrid boomed, chasing after Scully, "I'm bigger than you, I'm higher in the food chain! Get in my belly!"
"Um, Hagrid, no, okay?" Mulder said.
"Listen, sir, I'll give you directions to Hogwarts and I'll pay you money, and I'll get your baby!"
"Right."
"I want my baby back, baby back, baby back ribs. I want my baby back, baby back, baby back ribs. Chili's baby back ribs!" Hagrid sang, like he was Fat Bastard off Austin Powers.
"Listen, okay? Scully and I work together, and plus, she's MY posse."
"Sorry," Hagrid said, "This way, everybody." Scully dusted herself off and followed the man that had just tried to devour her. Hagrid pressed a little red button on a remote control that opened a portal to nine and three quarters. The large man walked through the wall; calling to M and S, "Hurry up!"
Mulder shrugged, and stepped through the wall with no problem. Scully looked around, feeling quite nervous, and walked straight into the wall. "Ow! Jesus!" Scully cried, holding her nose that had banged into the brick wall.
"Sorry," Hagrid's voice echoed. Scully flipped the wall the bird and walked through.
In only about half an hour, Hagrid and the undercover agents had arrived at Hogwarts. "Sir, baby-I mean ma'am, you two never told me your names," Hagrid uttered.
"I'm professor Falcon Moldy, and this is professor Dianne Sculder, we're the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers," Mulder introduced.
Hagrid shivered.
"What's wrong?" Mulder asked.
"Nothing, just, um. Lately, the DADA teachers have been . . . Not important," Hagrid quickly said.
The agents shrugged and walked into the large castle.
End of Chapter 3
=== More squashed Scully to come! ===