.
"Some times it is not the pain…it is the emptiness inside that will get you."
-Wind and Ashes
It was very quiet in her dorm room, all the other girls were downstairs she supposed. The only thing she could hear was her own breathing, after taking a long breath she tried to still her self. At this moment of reflection she needed stillness, absolute silence. Virginia Weasley lay back on her bed thinking about many things. The car ride to platform 9 ¾, the things she'd bought at Diagon alley, all the work she was planning on doing at school…
But particularly a certain boy, who if anything, did not have dark hair and green eyes.
Ginny rolled over on to her stomach letting out her held breath, and grabbing a pillow to scrunch it up so she could comfortably rest her head on it. Now this situation of boys wasn't new to her, no, Ginny remembered lying around all day dreaming of some one who wasn't within her reach. Obviously it never worked out, and it probably never will….so why not do a few things with friends and boyfriends instead of wasting her life away? It sounded reasonable to her.
But once again her mind drifted, only this time to a few days earlier. Before she'd gone to Diagon Alley, before she'd spent that night with Harry, before she'd come to this wretched school…but most importantly before she set her eyes on a charming blond.
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She knew it was just one of those days, except it just could be left at "one of those days". Each tormenting day was unique, each insult and image of her body was ground into her skull where she could watch her shameful existence over, and over, and over. Reruns from Hell. But you could not just bunch up every day of cutting she'd had…that would be to many to count. So really it wouldn't do if you just labeled everything the same name. And more importantly, today was /now/, and not only in the present which is bad enough but today was also worse than her usual bout of self-destruction. And she needed release but not until she'd gotten out what she wanted to say…what she wanted to look back and remember.
Her hand was shaking, and her tears blurred her vision sufficiently, but the words flowed from her onto the paper.
She wrote what she felt. She wrote what she needed to say but could not. She wrote…
"When you feel this emptiness…the infinite suspicion of being alone all or your life. To scared to move on…but to scared to go back. You know this is a certain point that you will remember, forever…or forget amongst the wounds needing to be healed to stop their constant ache, though there is really nothing you can do about it. But there are some things you can do, little things, harsh things…bloody things, pain filled things…
To control something-- to have control over your self is the only thing you /can/ do…the only thing one can handle…and I do not know if I am capable of even that any more. What my life must be, so out of control, I cannot even take care of my self. I feel helpless some times…like I should just quit now. Why are we running in circles, trying to strive in this rat maze? It is like a race only we are unaware that we end up back at the beginning each time…yet still we race, always needing to be the best, the winner.
I should just leave them, you know, let them run their races and keep their meaningless trophies for I am nothing compared. I will never be normal with the burdens that I carry. And yet I still hold no wisdom. I am jaded with no reason, no cause to be so. But truly I am still me…and that seems to be the problem…"
Virginia slowly sank to the floor, her back against the wall, and the book fell out of her hand. The noise of it hitting her closet door and then the ground beside her seemed to almost echo in the quiet room. She wanted to curl up into a little ball, become tiny and not be seen by any one…invisible.
'Do not cry…do not cry…don't you dare fucking cry…'
**~But you are weak…aren't you Gin? You just want to curl up and die now, don't you? Because you are nothing, and nothing can save you because you deserve this hell. Say it now. You know it is true.~
Ginny's voice was so small, shaking, and cracked slightly as she repeated "I deserve this."
Her blood was cold, colder than cold, as was she. Her emotions were frozen and there was nothing she could do to stop it. She couldn't do anything right. Couldn't fix everything that was wrong. Couldn't make her family be happy with her. Couldn't make people want her the way she wants them to…the way she doesn't deserve them to…
Some times Ginny would sit and think of all the things she hadn't accomplished…all the things she'd done wrong, screwed up on, everything she'd done to disappoint people. And a title wave of indignity and humiliation just over took her. She was shaking with grief for what she could have had if only she could have been better. She deserves this misery…this anguish that daily repeats its self.
And for these reasons she needed to feel the pain…she needed to be tormented- punished- reminded of how she failed to be a good person.
She needed this, as her nightmares were becoming a reality. And all she had was her knife to console her.
Since Harry had come early to stay with them Ginny was forced to attend every meal. And it would look a tad suspicious if she didn't eat anything. The first few days her body had rejected such amounts of food no matter how small and she'd thrown up every ounce that was in her stomach, so it didn't matter much. But after a while she must have gotten used to it. Then as she was standing in front of her mirror with out clothes on she noticed, to her horror, she had gained weight.
In reality it wasn't very much at all, her body was practically thanking her for it-- welcoming such minimal nourishment, but in her eyes it was a ghastly amount. Ginny saw her goal slipping from her grasp, and she couldn't do anything about it. She was helpless unless she just told her family she would not eat, ever. And Ginny knew they, of all people, wouldn't understand…they never understood her.
She could no longer see her beautiful rib bones, and her hips…she didn't even want to think about her hips. It was all making her stomach turn. Why couldn't her body just cooperate for once? Over all she wanted a small body and large breasts, that was what Harry liked she supposed. That was what he and Ron like to look at in those magazines. But she could never be like those women. She tried so hard to just be better in general…but still it didn't work. It was always "to much weight" "your breasts are to small" "You hair is such an ugly shade of red" …the list was endless. Oh no, no one /ever/ said these things to her…but she knew they were thinking it. She knew how they were secretly disgusted with her appearance.
After this discovery of weight gain she'd felt numb. She couldn't go anywhere, couldn't do anything, she mostly just slept and ate meals with the family. She didn't feel anything any more because she knew her plan of being prettier- skinnier- were now ruined.
The only thing she felt any more was the sting of her blade.
And that is what's kept her alive.
It was the morning they were all going to visit Diagon Alley, Gin had said she wasn't hungry but after her mothers piercing look she grabbed some toast, nothing to top it with though. And just as Harry had done every chance he'd gotten while visiting, with out thinking she'd notice, he once again turned to stare at her. She could always feel his eyes on her. 'He probably pities me.' She'd think constantly. Although Ginny hadn't had to suffer all that much as she spent most her time out in the garden behind the house or in her room.
Huddling in the chair at the table Ginny was thinking of what wretched second hand rags she'd be getting this year. Her letter informed her the required schoolbooks for this year were going to cost an arm and a leg. That and the fact she had volunteered to a teacher's assistant during her free hours. So life was going to be hell right from the start of the year, 'Joy' she thought despondently.
She needed relief more than usual that day, but couldn't very well ask Ron to pass her the bread knife and start carving at the dining table. She needed something discreet, something that would look ordinary and not stick out very much.
The solution came to her, surprisingly, from her mother. A flash of something shiny caught Ginny's eyes. Safety pins. "Um…mum? Can I borrow a few safety pins please?"
"What ever for love?"
Could a girl just get a few safety pins? "I wanted to use them to keep a hem up until I get a chance to sew it, I won't have time between now and when we leave."
"Oh I suppose so dear, how many?" Molly took off a few safety pins from her left sleeve as she liked to have some on hand, always pinning up /something/.
"Here you go love, will six do you?"
"Yes, mum thanks." She forcefully gave her mother a peck on the cheek. Molly looked simply delighted at the contact, as her daughter had been so distant all summer. Ginny hadn't a clue as to why she did it…for a moment she missed being a little girl…younger, when she didn't have to worry about such things as how she was going to cut in public with out people noticing. Or calculating such things as the number of times she had to throw up to get rid of all the calories she 'indulged' in. It had been so long she almost forgot what it was like before she discovered how inadequate she was…
But this was her fault…she would just have to find a way around things wouldn't she?
Upstairs in her room Virginia lined the bottom of her T-shirt with five of the pins, and put one on her left sleeve so she could unhook it and scratch at her skin with her right hand any time she pleased. It was exactly what she was looking for, and it would go on unnoticed under her sleeve. Although the shirt she wore did have long sleeves it was a bit clingy and rose a bit showing her stomach, though she hadn't noticed this as she couldn't bare to look into the mirror this morning, and her jeans hung off her hips. The black shirt made her hair seem redder than it already was, and after taking a shower she had twisted her hair in clips so it now hung down in curls and waves.
"EVERY ONE WE'RE LEAVING, NOW!" That was her mothers' booming voice. Ginny hopped off of the bed and grabbed a small shoulder bag, also black and went down stairs. Though she was delayed slightly when she bumped into Harry.
"Oh, sorry Gin. You ok?"
"…Yeah…fine…we should probably get going." The last thing she wanted was to be alone with him where he can continue to stare at her ugly body. He had no idea how much he hurt her with every look, reminding Ginny of how her plan -to be prettier- had failed.
"Wait a minute." He put a hand on her arm, and she immediately recoiled. 'Please don't touch me again Harry…I don't know if I could stand it.' Though she didn't dare say those words.
Harry looked startled at her reaction to his touch. "Yeah…maybe we should go, your mum is waiting." Ginny turned and fled down the crooked staircase. Harry, extremely confused, made a promise to watch her from now on…well more than he was. But not day dreaming, more like observing. 'Was Ginny ok?' It wasn't as if he hadn't known that little girls get over their crushes…but he was slightly offended --if not startled-- when she shrunk back from his touch like she had. Now that he thought of it Virginia wasn't the same child that ran around giving hugs to her family any more. And she looked so skinny, he figured it must have just been a trick of the eyes or something, as she seemed to be of a "normal" healthier weight now…not that half starved look she carried when he had arrived.
Harry shook his head slightly to wake-up for a minute as Mrs.Weasley yelled for the rest of the house to get ready to flow to Diagon Alley, though the brief glimpse of Ginny's stomach didn't leave his mind. Pictures of her kept running through his head…but he didn't know if it was just concern for her…or lust.
Ginny absolutely hated flowing anywhere. Not only was she now covered in soot, but the fact that the soot was gray and her shirt black made it all the more worse. She must have looked a fright. Her mind started working up all the stories she knew the people were whispering. She knew they were looking at her…talking about how she must look. She could barely stand the feeling of the eyes she 'knew' where staring at her dirty condition.
"Daddy? Please, can you get this soot off of me?" She tried not to sound like 5 year old, though couldn't help but add a bit of a whining tone.
"Of course poppet."
In a matter of seconds the soot was gone.
"Thanks."
Better…but still the thought of what had happened in the first place made her stomach sink. Her right hand twitched slightly, though she hadn't noticed. Soon her hand had reached up and unhooked the safety pin, running it up and down her arm-then a bit faster, some times driving the pin straight into her arm. The delicious pain stung her, and she would have gasped or moaned if they weren't in such a public place not to mention in front of her family…that would seem a bit too odd O.o
When every one had set a time to meet back at the Diagon entrance to The Leaky Cauldron they split up and went their separate ways, Ron and Harry together of course looking for Hermione. But her father held her back momentarily. And handed a small pouch. She gasped as she saw what it contained, /money/.
"Go buy something special poppet, we can afford it, don't worry." He kissed the top of her head, she was too distracted to flinch, and was gone. Maybe this was going to be an ok morning after all. Her right hand had relaxed no long wanting something to do.
*
'I wonder how many of these feather brains actually are worth anything', he thought. Draco Malfoy was looking for a new owl; his old one had…an unfortunate accident with his wand.
So here he was poking at the unanimated balls of feathers. They'd only hoot loudly and go back to sleep.
He didn't even really want a bloody owl, what was the use? He never wrote any one, and if it was a letter from home he always sent notes back with the owl it came with. So honestly what was the point? Maybe he'd get a cat, at least he could experiment on it a bit with out it trying to fly away every chance it got. Thoughts of what the cat would do if he burnt its whiskers flooded his mind…yes, he'd prefer a cat much more.
Leaving the owlry with a few loud complaints about quality, he then walked down Diagon Alley looking around at the various shops. The crowd parted for him, but like everything else that was a privilege of being a Malfoy, he didn't even notice it let alone care.
A few stores distracted him on his way to the pet shop, for instance the quidditch supply outlets which were abundant through out the alley seemed to have caught his eye immediately and a quick stop to get some ice cream. But finally when he did get to the Madame Ada's Magical Pet Menagerie he was thankful for the delay, with out it he might have missed /her/.
He saw her also looking at cats, her red hair was what caught his eye.
They talked about many little things. What they were doing there, looking for. who they'd come with. And so on. She was very cute with a somewhat…gothic look to her. Though not over done. And even though he was raised to be polite, act properly and give respect to others he couldn't help but let his eyes trail over her body lingering at her exposed midriff and breast. He was a teenager after all…
But something else caught his eye.
Draco suddenly, but gently, took her wrist and lifted it up to look. "Hold still, you're bleeding", he said. Ginny hadn't felt the droplets of blood drip down, she should have been more careful. But now it was too late. Being distracted by him had cost Ginny her secret.
Her body tensed, but she felt like she could not move regardless of what she wanted. For a moment it was like she was watching what was happening from a place out side her body. In her minds eye she saw her self screaming, yelling for him to stop, to just let her go. But that was only what she wanted to do. She felt pulled in two directions. Feeling paralyzed, just watching from an outside vantage point every thing that was happening. But at the same time she felt very much in her body and very much /alive/ at his touch. There was a spark; the air was thicker with a crackle of energy. Though the boy didn't seem to notice it.
In general she wasn't used to contact…she hadn't really even been hugged or held in what seemed like years…it probably had been years. But this new found contact, and the gentleness of his touch was startling. Against her own will, and to the embarrassment of her self as she looked back on it, she whimpered. It was very small, for a second he thought she hadn't even made a sound.
He looked up momentarily from her wounds and looked her right in the eye. Another thing she hadn't done in a long while, to really look some one in the eye.
"It'll be ok, I promise." For a second his eyes weren't such a harsh gray, but it soon faded as he led her to the back of the store. No shopkeeper was there to stop them so she figured it was all right.
"I'm not allowed to do magic on break, other wise I would use my wand." He said while still holding her hand and gently leading her to some where, she really had no idea as to where though. Finny behind the front desk and a few cages she saw why he'd taken here. There was a sink where she could wash up and rid herself of the blood that had practically covered her arm in a short amount of time. She must have reopened a few of the recent cuts, not only the stab wounds from the safety pins but also the lacerations.
"Thank you."
"No problem."
She did get all that blood off and he even helped to make a poor bandage out of paper towel. He had seen the safety pin and old wounds healed over…but he didn't comment, he only tried not to stare.
After everything was cleaned up Draco casually mentioned on how she should try and not get so close to the cages next time. Her reply was a mumbled "Yeah, sure." He knew what they were, but didn't want to embarrass the girl, or make her feel like she needed to give a reason or panic.
After a beat of awkward silence Ginny quickly said, "I should probably go. My family is waiting."
He could see she was uncomfortable, "Yes, yes of course."
She bit her lip and she backed away slightly, almost looking like she'd wanted to stay…but then turned and bolted out of the shop. Through the window he saw her greet another red headed child. And what a shock was when he saw it was Ron The Weasel…so this little girl was just full of surprises. As she walked off Draco was also surprised one more time to find out he really didn't care who she was.
Yes he was very glad he'd come in when he did, but for more of a reason than just meeting a pretty girl. He touched his right arm with out really thinking, tracing patterns of things not many had ever seen. She was like him…
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
Back in the present, during her little time trip, her roommates had come upstairs and started to riffling through their belongings and giggle at whatever the other airhead said. Ginny sighed in frustration she yanked the curtains around her bed closed. And at hearing their comments about 'how moody she was' she cast a silencing spell.
The tears came later, but not much later. It was just so damn…/hard/. One would think trying not to cry about how miserable your life was would be to easy compared to other things…when really it wasn't.
What she really wanted was to be with that blond boy, he even tried to be nice about everything with making up that excuse for her so she wouldn't have to. She knew he knew, Ginny could see recognition in his eyes. But she didn't mind it at all. She wanted to come right out and tell him…but wouldn't know where to begin. Though it's not as if she knew he really cared about /why/ she did it. Ginny chuckled, it's very ironic the one time she could have really had Harry Potter she did not want him…and that also another boy should show up to take his place.
*Some people she knew had trouble with faith, and God, or in her case The Goddess. But some times…on one of those days she couldn't handle how things had taken their course…she wondered if The Great Spirit or the Higher Being of what ever kind, was really around. It seemed at times she was abandoned by every one, even her God and Goddess. Or maybe they were there-- watching all of the humans stumble around like they are in the dark and laughing when they knocked heads together, humans lives were just godly entertainment…because honestly that's all that her life is…just one big dark room. Not really knowing where she's supposed to be, where to go, or how to get there. And if she one day does know, it's just an allusion she'd probably made up he self to believe in.
"From fantasy, to reality, memories, and to the meaning of life…and all in one day Ginny, I think you have filled you quota for rational thought". With a wry smile she crawled under the covers of her bed and with a flick of her wand the candles on the headboard extinguished them selves.
That night she dreamed of many things. But only one specific dream had stayed with her till morning and she would never forget that mental image, which was her body intertwined with the blond boy she'd met that afternoon a while ago. His movements on top of her and between her legs were quick and rough. And she could almost feel him inside her; the dream was so vivid. But what really caught her eye was the blood. The blood that seeped from deep cuts in her arms, sides and stomach and that seeped from him as well. A knife she'd never seen before lay on the bed close beside them as they made love…
(A/N): THANK YOU TheRowlingPierceWriter, VirtualFaerie (by the way I'm a big fan!), Turquoisetears, Luinthoron (as always, thank you /very/ much so), Blu Ice, Lain, Lyss (are you extremely perceptive…or was I just kind of obvious…?), and Ditzy Spacecadets!
*I really never like to intentional bring religion into any of my stories. But if you've known some one with depression or had it your self, you'll know that this question of faith/religion/how every thing works and why can come up a lot. But don't worry, there won't be any more religious discussion in here.
**Note: Gin is not crazy. This is not some skitzo voice in her head, k? It is more like she's talking to her self, reassuring her self everything bad is happening to her for a reason.
ADVERTISING: If you like my poetry/quotes I suggest you go check my accounts out on FictionPress.net (Names: Glowing Embers, cat-eyed-gypsy, Wind and Ashes). And also go see my new story under Glowing Embers, Title "It's in the cards" another D/G and yes I've already scolded my self for starting another fic *looks guilty*
…It seems these notes get longer every time, no?
p.s.: I'm against animal cruelty, I'm vegan, a volunteer for peta, and local pet shelters. I added Draco's cat cruelty in as...well, I'm not sure. trying to keep him in character I guess. I needed him to be evil for a minute or two. Any one who does that to a cat deservs to be shot. And you know what? I know how to work a gun...do not tempt me...
.
"Some times it is not the pain…it is the emptiness inside that will get you."
-Wind and Ashes
It was very quiet in her dorm room, all the other girls were downstairs she supposed. The only thing she could hear was her own breathing, after taking a long breath she tried to still her self. At this moment of reflection she needed stillness, absolute silence. Virginia Weasley lay back on her bed thinking about many things. The car ride to platform 9 ¾, the things she'd bought at Diagon alley, all the work she was planning on doing at school…
But particularly a certain boy, who if anything, did not have dark hair and green eyes.
Ginny rolled over on to her stomach letting out her held breath, and grabbing a pillow to scrunch it up so she could comfortably rest her head on it. Now this situation of boys wasn't new to her, no, Ginny remembered lying around all day dreaming of some one who wasn't within her reach. Obviously it never worked out, and it probably never will….so why not do a few things with friends and boyfriends instead of wasting her life away? It sounded reasonable to her.
But once again her mind drifted, only this time to a few days earlier. Before she'd gone to Diagon Alley, before she'd spent that night with Harry, before she'd come to this wretched school…but most importantly before she set her eyes on a charming blond.
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
She knew it was just one of those days, except it just could be left at "one of those days". Each tormenting day was unique, each insult and image of her body was ground into her skull where she could watch her shameful existence over, and over, and over. Reruns from Hell. But you could not just bunch up every day of cutting she'd had…that would be to many to count. So really it wouldn't do if you just labeled everything the same name. And more importantly, today was /now/, and not only in the present which is bad enough but today was also worse than her usual bout of self-destruction. And she needed release but not until she'd gotten out what she wanted to say…what she wanted to look back and remember.
Her hand was shaking, and her tears blurred her vision sufficiently, but the words flowed from her onto the paper.
She wrote what she felt. She wrote what she needed to say but could not. She wrote…
"When you feel this emptiness…the infinite suspicion of being alone all or your life. To scared to move on…but to scared to go back. You know this is a certain point that you will remember, forever…or forget amongst the wounds needing to be healed to stop their constant ache, though there is really nothing you can do about it. But there are some things you can do, little things, harsh things…bloody things, pain filled things…
To control something-- to have control over your self is the only thing you /can/ do…the only thing one can handle…and I do not know if I am capable of even that any more. What my life must be, so out of control, I cannot even take care of my self. I feel helpless some times…like I should just quit now. Why are we running in circles, trying to strive in this rat maze? It is like a race only we are unaware that we end up back at the beginning each time…yet still we race, always needing to be the best, the winner.
I should just leave them, you know, let them run their races and keep their meaningless trophies for I am nothing compared. I will never be normal with the burdens that I carry. And yet I still hold no wisdom. I am jaded with no reason, no cause to be so. But truly I am still me…and that seems to be the problem…"
Virginia slowly sank to the floor, her back against the wall, and the book fell out of her hand. The noise of it hitting her closet door and then the ground beside her seemed to almost echo in the quiet room. She wanted to curl up into a little ball, become tiny and not be seen by any one…invisible.
'Do not cry…do not cry…don't you dare fucking cry…'
**~But you are weak…aren't you Gin? You just want to curl up and die now, don't you? Because you are nothing, and nothing can save you because you deserve this hell. Say it now. You know it is true.~
Ginny's voice was so small, shaking, and cracked slightly as she repeated "I deserve this."
Her blood was cold, colder than cold, as was she. Her emotions were frozen and there was nothing she could do to stop it. She couldn't do anything right. Couldn't fix everything that was wrong. Couldn't make her family be happy with her. Couldn't make people want her the way she wants them to…the way she doesn't deserve them to…
Some times Ginny would sit and think of all the things she hadn't accomplished…all the things she'd done wrong, screwed up on, everything she'd done to disappoint people. And a title wave of indignity and humiliation just over took her. She was shaking with grief for what she could have had if only she could have been better. She deserves this misery…this anguish that daily repeats its self.
And for these reasons she needed to feel the pain…she needed to be tormented- punished- reminded of how she failed to be a good person.
She needed this, as her nightmares were becoming a reality. And all she had was her knife to console her.
Since Harry had come early to stay with them Ginny was forced to attend every meal. And it would look a tad suspicious if she didn't eat anything. The first few days her body had rejected such amounts of food no matter how small and she'd thrown up every ounce that was in her stomach, so it didn't matter much. But after a while she must have gotten used to it. Then as she was standing in front of her mirror with out clothes on she noticed, to her horror, she had gained weight.
In reality it wasn't very much at all, her body was practically thanking her for it-- welcoming such minimal nourishment, but in her eyes it was a ghastly amount. Ginny saw her goal slipping from her grasp, and she couldn't do anything about it. She was helpless unless she just told her family she would not eat, ever. And Ginny knew they, of all people, wouldn't understand…they never understood her.
She could no longer see her beautiful rib bones, and her hips…she didn't even want to think about her hips. It was all making her stomach turn. Why couldn't her body just cooperate for once? Over all she wanted a small body and large breasts, that was what Harry liked she supposed. That was what he and Ron like to look at in those magazines. But she could never be like those women. She tried so hard to just be better in general…but still it didn't work. It was always "to much weight" "your breasts are to small" "You hair is such an ugly shade of red" …the list was endless. Oh no, no one /ever/ said these things to her…but she knew they were thinking it. She knew how they were secretly disgusted with her appearance.
After this discovery of weight gain she'd felt numb. She couldn't go anywhere, couldn't do anything, she mostly just slept and ate meals with the family. She didn't feel anything any more because she knew her plan of being prettier- skinnier- were now ruined.
The only thing she felt any more was the sting of her blade.
And that is what's kept her alive.
It was the morning they were all going to visit Diagon Alley, Gin had said she wasn't hungry but after her mothers piercing look she grabbed some toast, nothing to top it with though. And just as Harry had done every chance he'd gotten while visiting, with out thinking she'd notice, he once again turned to stare at her. She could always feel his eyes on her. 'He probably pities me.' She'd think constantly. Although Ginny hadn't had to suffer all that much as she spent most her time out in the garden behind the house or in her room.
Huddling in the chair at the table Ginny was thinking of what wretched second hand rags she'd be getting this year. Her letter informed her the required schoolbooks for this year were going to cost an arm and a leg. That and the fact she had volunteered to a teacher's assistant during her free hours. So life was going to be hell right from the start of the year, 'Joy' she thought despondently.
She needed relief more than usual that day, but couldn't very well ask Ron to pass her the bread knife and start carving at the dining table. She needed something discreet, something that would look ordinary and not stick out very much.
The solution came to her, surprisingly, from her mother. A flash of something shiny caught Ginny's eyes. Safety pins. "Um…mum? Can I borrow a few safety pins please?"
"What ever for love?"
Could a girl just get a few safety pins? "I wanted to use them to keep a hem up until I get a chance to sew it, I won't have time between now and when we leave."
"Oh I suppose so dear, how many?" Molly took off a few safety pins from her left sleeve as she liked to have some on hand, always pinning up /something/.
"Here you go love, will six do you?"
"Yes, mum thanks." She forcefully gave her mother a peck on the cheek. Molly looked simply delighted at the contact, as her daughter had been so distant all summer. Ginny hadn't a clue as to why she did it…for a moment she missed being a little girl…younger, when she didn't have to worry about such things as how she was going to cut in public with out people noticing. Or calculating such things as the number of times she had to throw up to get rid of all the calories she 'indulged' in. It had been so long she almost forgot what it was like before she discovered how inadequate she was…
But this was her fault…she would just have to find a way around things wouldn't she?
Upstairs in her room Virginia lined the bottom of her T-shirt with five of the pins, and put one on her left sleeve so she could unhook it and scratch at her skin with her right hand any time she pleased. It was exactly what she was looking for, and it would go on unnoticed under her sleeve. Although the shirt she wore did have long sleeves it was a bit clingy and rose a bit showing her stomach, though she hadn't noticed this as she couldn't bare to look into the mirror this morning, and her jeans hung off her hips. The black shirt made her hair seem redder than it already was, and after taking a shower she had twisted her hair in clips so it now hung down in curls and waves.
"EVERY ONE WE'RE LEAVING, NOW!" That was her mothers' booming voice. Ginny hopped off of the bed and grabbed a small shoulder bag, also black and went down stairs. Though she was delayed slightly when she bumped into Harry.
"Oh, sorry Gin. You ok?"
"…Yeah…fine…we should probably get going." The last thing she wanted was to be alone with him where he can continue to stare at her ugly body. He had no idea how much he hurt her with every look, reminding Ginny of how her plan -to be prettier- had failed.
"Wait a minute." He put a hand on her arm, and she immediately recoiled. 'Please don't touch me again Harry…I don't know if I could stand it.' Though she didn't dare say those words.
Harry looked startled at her reaction to his touch. "Yeah…maybe we should go, your mum is waiting." Ginny turned and fled down the crooked staircase. Harry, extremely confused, made a promise to watch her from now on…well more than he was. But not day dreaming, more like observing. 'Was Ginny ok?' It wasn't as if he hadn't known that little girls get over their crushes…but he was slightly offended --if not startled-- when she shrunk back from his touch like she had. Now that he thought of it Virginia wasn't the same child that ran around giving hugs to her family any more. And she looked so skinny, he figured it must have just been a trick of the eyes or something, as she seemed to be of a "normal" healthier weight now…not that half starved look she carried when he had arrived.
Harry shook his head slightly to wake-up for a minute as Mrs.Weasley yelled for the rest of the house to get ready to flow to Diagon Alley, though the brief glimpse of Ginny's stomach didn't leave his mind. Pictures of her kept running through his head…but he didn't know if it was just concern for her…or lust.
Ginny absolutely hated flowing anywhere. Not only was she now covered in soot, but the fact that the soot was gray and her shirt black made it all the more worse. She must have looked a fright. Her mind started working up all the stories she knew the people were whispering. She knew they were looking at her…talking about how she must look. She could barely stand the feeling of the eyes she 'knew' where staring at her dirty condition.
"Daddy? Please, can you get this soot off of me?" She tried not to sound like 5 year old, though couldn't help but add a bit of a whining tone.
"Of course poppet."
In a matter of seconds the soot was gone.
"Thanks."
Better…but still the thought of what had happened in the first place made her stomach sink. Her right hand twitched slightly, though she hadn't noticed. Soon her hand had reached up and unhooked the safety pin, running it up and down her arm-then a bit faster, some times driving the pin straight into her arm. The delicious pain stung her, and she would have gasped or moaned if they weren't in such a public place not to mention in front of her family…that would seem a bit too odd O.o
When every one had set a time to meet back at the Diagon entrance to The Leaky Cauldron they split up and went their separate ways, Ron and Harry together of course looking for Hermione. But her father held her back momentarily. And handed a small pouch. She gasped as she saw what it contained, /money/.
"Go buy something special poppet, we can afford it, don't worry." He kissed the top of her head, she was too distracted to flinch, and was gone. Maybe this was going to be an ok morning after all. Her right hand had relaxed no long wanting something to do.
*
'I wonder how many of these feather brains actually are worth anything', he thought. Draco Malfoy was looking for a new owl; his old one had…an unfortunate accident with his wand.
So here he was poking at the unanimated balls of feathers. They'd only hoot loudly and go back to sleep.
He didn't even really want a bloody owl, what was the use? He never wrote any one, and if it was a letter from home he always sent notes back with the owl it came with. So honestly what was the point? Maybe he'd get a cat, at least he could experiment on it a bit with out it trying to fly away every chance it got. Thoughts of what the cat would do if he burnt its whiskers flooded his mind…yes, he'd prefer a cat much more.
Leaving the owlry with a few loud complaints about quality, he then walked down Diagon Alley looking around at the various shops. The crowd parted for him, but like everything else that was a privilege of being a Malfoy, he didn't even notice it let alone care.
A few stores distracted him on his way to the pet shop, for instance the quidditch supply outlets which were abundant through out the alley seemed to have caught his eye immediately and a quick stop to get some ice cream. But finally when he did get to the Madame Ada's Magical Pet Menagerie he was thankful for the delay, with out it he might have missed /her/.
He saw her also looking at cats, her red hair was what caught his eye.
They talked about many little things. What they were doing there, looking for. who they'd come with. And so on. She was very cute with a somewhat…gothic look to her. Though not over done. And even though he was raised to be polite, act properly and give respect to others he couldn't help but let his eyes trail over her body lingering at her exposed midriff and breast. He was a teenager after all…
But something else caught his eye.
Draco suddenly, but gently, took her wrist and lifted it up to look. "Hold still, you're bleeding", he said. Ginny hadn't felt the droplets of blood drip down, she should have been more careful. But now it was too late. Being distracted by him had cost Ginny her secret.
Her body tensed, but she felt like she could not move regardless of what she wanted. For a moment it was like she was watching what was happening from a place out side her body. In her minds eye she saw her self screaming, yelling for him to stop, to just let her go. But that was only what she wanted to do. She felt pulled in two directions. Feeling paralyzed, just watching from an outside vantage point every thing that was happening. But at the same time she felt very much in her body and very much /alive/ at his touch. There was a spark; the air was thicker with a crackle of energy. Though the boy didn't seem to notice it.
In general she wasn't used to contact…she hadn't really even been hugged or held in what seemed like years…it probably had been years. But this new found contact, and the gentleness of his touch was startling. Against her own will, and to the embarrassment of her self as she looked back on it, she whimpered. It was very small, for a second he thought she hadn't even made a sound.
He looked up momentarily from her wounds and looked her right in the eye. Another thing she hadn't done in a long while, to really look some one in the eye.
"It'll be ok, I promise." For a second his eyes weren't such a harsh gray, but it soon faded as he led her to the back of the store. No shopkeeper was there to stop them so she figured it was all right.
"I'm not allowed to do magic on break, other wise I would use my wand." He said while still holding her hand and gently leading her to some where, she really had no idea as to where though. Finny behind the front desk and a few cages she saw why he'd taken here. There was a sink where she could wash up and rid herself of the blood that had practically covered her arm in a short amount of time. She must have reopened a few of the recent cuts, not only the stab wounds from the safety pins but also the lacerations.
"Thank you."
"No problem."
She did get all that blood off and he even helped to make a poor bandage out of paper towel. He had seen the safety pin and old wounds healed over…but he didn't comment, he only tried not to stare.
After everything was cleaned up Draco casually mentioned on how she should try and not get so close to the cages next time. Her reply was a mumbled "Yeah, sure." He knew what they were, but didn't want to embarrass the girl, or make her feel like she needed to give a reason or panic.
After a beat of awkward silence Ginny quickly said, "I should probably go. My family is waiting."
He could see she was uncomfortable, "Yes, yes of course."
She bit her lip and she backed away slightly, almost looking like she'd wanted to stay…but then turned and bolted out of the shop. Through the window he saw her greet another red headed child. And what a shock was when he saw it was Ron The Weasel…so this little girl was just full of surprises. As she walked off Draco was also surprised one more time to find out he really didn't care who she was.
Yes he was very glad he'd come in when he did, but for more of a reason than just meeting a pretty girl. He touched his right arm with out really thinking, tracing patterns of things not many had ever seen. She was like him…
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
Back in the present, during her little time trip, her roommates had come upstairs and started to riffling through their belongings and giggle at whatever the other airhead said. Ginny sighed in frustration she yanked the curtains around her bed closed. And at hearing their comments about 'how moody she was' she cast a silencing spell.
The tears came later, but not much later. It was just so damn…/hard/. One would think trying not to cry about how miserable your life was would be to easy compared to other things…when really it wasn't.
What she really wanted was to be with that blond boy, he even tried to be nice about everything with making up that excuse for her so she wouldn't have to. She knew he knew, Ginny could see recognition in his eyes. But she didn't mind it at all. She wanted to come right out and tell him…but wouldn't know where to begin. Though it's not as if she knew he really cared about /why/ she did it. Ginny chuckled, it's very ironic the one time she could have really had Harry Potter she did not want him…and that also another boy should show up to take his place.
*Some people she knew had trouble with faith, and God, or in her case The Goddess. But some times…on one of those days she couldn't handle how things had taken their course…she wondered if The Great Spirit or the Higher Being of what ever kind, was really around. It seemed at times she was abandoned by every one, even her God and Goddess. Or maybe they were there-- watching all of the humans stumble around like they are in the dark and laughing when they knocked heads together, humans lives were just godly entertainment…because honestly that's all that her life is…just one big dark room. Not really knowing where she's supposed to be, where to go, or how to get there. And if she one day does know, it's just an allusion she'd probably made up he self to believe in.
"From fantasy, to reality, memories, and to the meaning of life…and all in one day Ginny, I think you have filled you quota for rational thought". With a wry smile she crawled under the covers of her bed and with a flick of her wand the candles on the headboard extinguished them selves.
That night she dreamed of many things. But only one specific dream had stayed with her till morning and she would never forget that mental image, which was her body intertwined with the blond boy she'd met that afternoon a while ago. His movements on top of her and between her legs were quick and rough. And she could almost feel him inside her; the dream was so vivid. But what really caught her eye was the blood. The blood that seeped from deep cuts in her arms, sides and stomach and that seeped from him as well. A knife she'd never seen before lay on the bed close beside them as they made love…
(A/N): THANK YOU TheRowlingPierceWriter, VirtualFaerie (by the way I'm a big fan!), Turquoisetears, Luinthoron (as always, thank you /very/ much so), Blu Ice, Lain, Lyss (are you extremely perceptive…or was I just kind of obvious…?), and Ditzy Spacecadets!
*I really never like to intentional bring religion into any of my stories. But if you've known some one with depression or had it your self, you'll know that this question of faith/religion/how every thing works and why can come up a lot. But don't worry, there won't be any more religious discussion in here.
**Note: Gin is not crazy. This is not some skitzo voice in her head, k? It is more like she's talking to her self, reassuring her self everything bad is happening to her for a reason.
ADVERTISING: If you like my poetry/quotes I suggest you go check my accounts out on FictionPress.net (Names: Glowing Embers, cat-eyed-gypsy, Wind and Ashes). And also go see my new story under Glowing Embers, Title "It's in the cards" another D/G and yes I've already scolded my self for starting another fic *looks guilty*
…It seems these notes get longer every time, no?
p.s.: I'm against animal cruelty, I'm vegan, a volunteer for peta, and local pet shelters. I added Draco's cat cruelty in as...well, I'm not sure. trying to keep him in character I guess. I needed him to be evil for a minute or two. Any one who does that to a cat deservs to be shot. And you know what? I know how to work a gun...do not tempt me...
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