Ghost of My Heart
By Misha

Disclaimer- I do not own any of the characters of General Hospital. They belong to the creators of General Hospital, Wendy Riche, Bob Guza, ABC Daytime, and probably a lot of other people with more money than me. I'm not making any money off this story so please don't sue me.

Author's Notes- This is just a short fic from Sonny's PoV. It's set on the anniversary of Brenda's "death" as he's talking to Jason. The dialogue is in bold italics and everything else is his thoughts. I am and have always been a huge Sonny and Brenda fan. There is something about them that no other couple has ever been able to match. This is just a short piece about how I think Sonny felt about Brenda after he thinks that she's dead. I realize that they probably won't reunite on the show, but I can't quite give up hope. So this is just what I think was going through Sonny's head as he spoke. There'll probably be a few more like it.

Rating- PG-13

Four years. Four years since the day she left me.

Oh, rationally I know that it was over before that.

I left her, I let her go.

But, I guess I never gave up hope of having her back.

Not until she was gone forever.

And losing her was like losing a part of myself.

I'm happy now, I love my wife, but...

There's a part of me that died along with her.

I try to explain that to Jason. To put my feelings into words.

"Brenda died four years ago today.

Every year for the last four years, I've remembered the day and mourned her in my heart.

I try not to think about her too much, because it hurts in a way I'll never be able to put into words.

But I can't help but think about her on this day. It all comes rushing back to me. The passion, the pain.

The agony I felt when I lost her. When I realized that I would never see her beautiful face again.

And every year for four years I feel that pain all over again.

Because this day just marks another year without her.

Actually Jax let her die. The big blond idiot couldn't keep her safe,

Nothing will ever convince me that it wasn't his fault.

If he had done his research more carefully and seen that Veronica was suicidal then Brenda would still be alive.

But, no he was too damned slow and she paid the fatal price.

I'll never forgive him for that. I left her so that she would be safe and happy, even if that meant her being with Jax, and she dies barely a year later.

It sometimes seems that my sacrifice was for nothing. All because Jax was too stupid to protect her.

It's funny he always said how dangerous I was, how I was going to get her killed, and in the end it was him who let her die.

and a light went out in her life and mine.

The moment that Jason told me the news, something in me died.

Something beautiful and bright, something which had kept me going for years.

It was like being plunged into total darkness, the knowledge that she was gone.

I moved on, I recovered, but I was never the same. I was never completely whole again, not without her.

There will always be something missing, a piece of me that died along with my adored Brenda.

She was the bright light of my life and no matter how much I love Carly, she'll never be able to match that. She'll never be able to repair the hole that was left by Brenda's death.

I try not to, but I gotta tell you something, I couldn't help by think of what she went through that night.

I try not to think about Brenda's last moments.

It's just too hard.

It's agony thinking about her trapped in that car under water as the life seeped out of her. There's nothing more horrible than to imagine her last moments.

I'm grateful that my last image of Brenda is of her alive and happy, surrounded by light.

I don't want to think about her in a watery grave.

I want to remember her beauty, her light.

Yet, there are moments when I can't help but think about the horror her last moments must have been.

Was there a moment when she realized that she was going to die?

That's what I wonder about the most.

Did she know? Was she aware that this was the end? Was there a moment when she realized that she wasn't going to get out of the car in time? Did she struggle?

I'm sure she did. My Brenda was always a fighter and I'm sure even at the last, she was fighting to get out of that car and to make her way to the surface.

In those first few months there were many nights when I woke up in a cold sweat imagining her fighting to get out of that car, but failing.

And I just can't help wondering what her final thoughts were.

What her final moment on this Earth was like.

I told you I'd die seeing Brenda's face.

I've always known that when death claims me it'll be wearing her face.

That my last thought will be of her. I'll see her smile and hear her voice.

While I'm still on this Earth, I'll love Carly to the best of my ability. But when it comes time for me to leave, I'll do so doing what I do best.

I'll love Brenda with my last breath. And it'll be her face that I'll see before my eyes close one last time.

Because, deep down, if I'm honest to myself, there's no face that I'd rather see.

I just wonder if she died seeing mine."

I've thought about that a million times over the years.

Did Brenda see my face as death claimed her, the way I know that I would have seen hers?

Even though she loved Candy Boy, was it me she thought about in that last instant as her life seeped out of her?

Did I still have a hold on her despite everything? The way she's always had a hold on me.

I hope so. I know it's selfish, but I hope in that last moment she thought of me because I know I would be thinking of her.

The End