Prequel to Star Light
+ By Julie
+ rated NC-17 for explicit sexual scenes
+ yaoi content. Male/male having sex, getting each other off
+ Parings: Squall/Seifer
+ Disclaimer: I do own Zell but its just a cute toy chicken. Otherwise, I don't own any of the characters or anything else... *le sigh*
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+ Chapter 4: Frozen, When your Heart's Not Open +~***~
Squall stepped into the house the same night of being dropped off by Seifer after their first date. Not even 8 o'clock, the house already looked barren. Squall didn't bother to think to notice.
He just walked from the large entry, into the next room where he could climb the stairs and get to his bedroom.
"Squall," Laguna's voice sounded as Squall put his first foot on the bottom step.
Squall slowly turned to look at the couch, then cocked his head to the side as if to ask what?
"Who was that that dropped you off?" Laguna asked, staying seated in the large chair near the fireplace.
Squall moved from his frozen position of climbing the stairs to stand firm on the tile floor. He stayed silent, no real reason to answer his father.
"Its nice you have a friend, Squall," Laguna continued. "But did you have to leave today?"
"Why stay?" Squall asked his his whispered voice.
Laguna frowned at his son. "I know you realize what day it is."
Squall didn't move, no twitches of sadness or awkward shifting of his stance. Just frozen. Outside as well as in.
"Damn it, Squall," Laguna said, pushing up from the chair. Standing he shook his head, moving to pace around the room. "I love you, son. And you're correct in thinking I didn't notice you were gone until a few minutes before I called you."
Laguna then turned to face Squall once again.
"But you've never not come home before," Laguna continued. "And you've never disappeared on a day like today."
Squall still didn't reply in any physical way. Frozen.
Laguna held his hand out for Squall to approach.
Squall followed his father's request, not thinking about it at all.
Once Squall's hand was in his, Laguna pulled his son into a tight hug. Squall hugged back, but it was no melting moment. Nothing he'd even think about the instant the physical touch broke.
"Please don't do that to me again, Squall," Laguna said softly, breathing in the young scent of his son. "I don't know what goes on in your mind. I don't know what you think about days like this. I don't know-"
"Suicide," Squall said abruptly. His father needed to get to the point. And Squall should go to bed.
Laguna pulled up from hugging his son to hold his son's upper arms and look down at the boy. "Would you?"
Squall started with his doll-like expression. He didn't need to answer, his father should know Squall well enough.
Shaking his head, Laguna pulled his son back into his arms. "I can't help but be paranoid, Squall. You never talk anymore."
The hug loosened, Laguna looking down to his son's face again. He caressed the soft flesh of Squall's cheek, letting the doll-expression burn into him.
Before Laguna could think to pull away, Squall leaned up and pressed his lips to his father's. The kiss lasted only a few seconds before Laguna was able to force himself to pulled up and stepped back.
"Squall," Laguna said in an airy voice, startled by the unchaste kiss.
Squall just stared at his father, continuing the stoic expression. As though Squall hadn't even moved, or at least realize what he'd just done. Though, Squall realized. He just didn't care. The way his father was... looking at him. Its what Laguna wanted. And it wasn't the two's first kiss.
But those kisses only happened when they were alone. When Laguna was feeling extra empty from Raine's death. When Laguna could see his dead-wife's face in Squall's eyes. Squall looked a lot like his mother, though he still held some of Laguna's features. Squall was beautiful like his mother.
Stopping his breath, Laguna forced that thought from his mind. He didn't need to think about how attractive his son was, or the fact that the kiss they'd just shared had felt good. Very good.
Laguna turned away, shaking his head. Running one hand through his hair then rubbing the back of his neck, Laguna spoke. "Go to bed, Squall."
Squall simply turned and headed to the stairs, climbing them in his normal pace. He was never affected by those scenes with his father. Except sometimes he felt the delayed awkwardness from those incidences. But Squall was working on getting rid of those feelings. They weren't much of a bother, and he wasn't affected by the delays too much really.
Squall still had a few emotions to root out. Yet nothing bothered him, or made him lose sleep. He lived, just like he always did. Day after day, his last feelings grew smaller and smaller. And Squall never concerned himself with the feelings when they happened.
He'd kissed his father on impulse. No thoughts involved. No sexual desires or hunger. He'd never peruse something as disgusting as a relationship with his father. Squall might have been frozen and uncaring, but he couldn't help a few morals.
It was simply that Squall could see in his father's eyes that the man wanted, needed the kiss. And Squall had no quarrels giving it to his father.
Entering his bedroom, Squall closed the door behind himself, locking it. He then crossed the large room to his dresser, removing his coat as he walked.
A half-minute later, Squall had removed most his clothes. He stood in front of the dresser, looking in one of the drawers for his pjs. Finding a black pair of cotton pj bottoms and a small tang-top that was only too obviously a female's shirt, Squall removed the rest of his clothes. Squall then dressed in the cotton pj bottoms and the girl's top.
A few years ago, Squall had gotten into the habit of sleeping dressed like this. He'd put on one of his sister's shirts absently (it was in his drawer by mistake), and it was actually comfortable to sleep in. So he continued the style. Not like anyone knew. Actually, not like Squall cared if anyone knew.
The brunette Ice Prince turned off his lights then crossed his mapped-out bedroom, not walking into anything. He slid into his bed, pulling the thick covers around him, closing his eyes.
The bed felt empty.
Opening his eyes, Squall frowned at himself. He was tired, and nothing plagued his mind. Even knowing fully well what day it was, nothing was bothering Squall.
Ignoring the feeling, Squall closed his eyes again.
Yet again, the bed felt empty.
Sighing, Squall sat up. He forced himself to think it over. To think about what was missing.
Frowning again at himself, Squall turned to grab one of his many pillows from around him. Flopping back into one pillow, Squall held the second one tightly.
Better. The feeling was still there, but it didn't pound into Squall's mind.
Laying there, arms around the soft pillow, Squall continued to think.
Normally he'd have just gone to sleep. But it didn't really make sense that he felt alone. He was always alone. And today hadn't been any different. If anything, Squall had been less-alone then normal. He'd spend a couple hours with Seifer, even if it hadn't gone that well.
Opening his stormy eyes for the final time, Squall realized in all obviousness what was missing.
Seifer.
Squall preferred for the large blonde to be with him, even now. To lay there with Seifer. Yet nothing made sense as to why, except that life didn't feel so empty around Seifer. Empty was what Squall was. Though, he... enjoyed? He enjoyed the feeling of sitting with Seifer today.
Was Squall desperate for attention, needing for love, begging to be touched?
That wasn't it at all, really.
Squall was simply attracted to the time he'd spent with Seifer. On days like today, Squall numbed out reality. But Seifer had forced Squall into it. The date, though not successful in Squall's mind, had forced Squall to wake up to the world around him.
Not that Squall actually cared, but life outside his room was preferable a few moments in time. Like sitting in his mother's garden outside, instead of in his room while watching the wind blow through the trees from a window. It was better to feel the wind blowing around his body, instead of just watching from the boxed haven he kept himself in.
Like all with all changing elements, Squall didn't want to be caught in a storm. He preferred the wind, but that didn't mean he'd prefer to sit in the rain. Inside his dry room was better. Just like inside is froze shell was better then being outside, experiencing tears of pain.
He'd sit on the back porch to watch and feel the wind, just like he's sit with Seifer to watch and feel enjoyment. But he wouldn't leave his room or house to go outside into the rain, just like he wouldn't leave his icy shell to go outside into emotion.
Closing his eyes, Squall blocked out the events from the afternoon with Seifer. The kiss with his father had already been forgotten. But Seifer wasn't as easy to banish.
~Flashback~
September 11 - 9 years ago...
Squall, 6 years old, sat at the doctors office. It was Friday in the afternoon, and he was already finished with school for the day. His mother had brought him to the doctors office for her daily check-up.
Squall sighed, looking around bored at the room. He'd much rather go outside and play. Yet in a few more minutes, they'd leave then Squall and his family would be off to a picnic.
Squall was looking forward to that: being outdoors and eating under the sun. Being with his mother and father (and sister). And Daddy had promised to show Squall how to play football.
Squall's feet dangled on the chair, the silence around him getting slightly annoying. He really didn't like being cooped up in this room. When was his mother going to finished talking to the doctor?
Women sitting next to their kids would smile at Squall. Wave to him, but Squall just ignored them. He didn't need to be humored. He might have been a child, but he wasn't stupid. Damn adults.
"Squallie?" Raine said, stepping out of the door to the back doctor-offices.
Squall looked up to see his mothers eyes teary. She was upset, and Squall didn't know why.
"Mom? What happened?" he asked in the child voice.
Raine shook her head, wiping away the tears. Walking to Squall, she held out her hand for him to take it. Squall did so, worried about his mother.
"What'd they do to you?" Squall asked as his mother ushered him forward from the hospital.
Raine smiled happily for a brief second at her son. Then the tears started to come again.
"Nothing, Squallie," Raine said. "Nothing. Lets just go home."
Squall wanted to ask his mother more questions, but she was sad. He didn't want to make her cry more. Besides, when they got home Daddy would fix it. Make Mommy stop crying.
~*~
Raine cried harder when she and Squall got home. Falling into Laguna's arms, she allowed herself to completely break down.
She tried to stop. She shouldn't be crying think that in front of the children, they'd worry. And her husband shouldn't see the tears, it'd only make things worse.
But she just couldn't stop. Raine had never been so afraid in her entire life. She was lost and confused. There was no way to fix the problem, she knew. Even if the doctors lied to her face about being able to do something. There was nothing.
Squall and Ellone had been sent to the bedrooms for an early bedtime. Just so Raine and Laguna could talk.
Ellone stayed in her bedroom, playing with her Barbie-dolls. But Squall left his room and crawled carefully to the balcony. He wanted to know what the doctor's did to make Mommy cry so much. He wanted to know what Daddy was going to do to fix it.
"You...?" Squall heard his father's voice.
"Yes, they said the longest is five months," Raine replied.
Squall carefully moved to the balcony ledge that over looked the large living room below. He saw his mother and father standing apart, facing each other. Raine had her arms crossed, hugging herself. Laguna's arms were crossed over his chest, eyes wide at his wife.
"T-there's got to be-"
"Yes," Raine interrupted. "The doctor gushed information about a cure. They're working night and day to try to find one."
Raine turned from looking at her husband.
"I'm not hopeful, though," Raine said softly.
Laguna moved towards his wife. "But you don't seem sick," he said, putting his arms around Raine's shoulders.
Raine turned to look at Laguna, wrapping her arms around his waist. "Its like that. Hades Gate is... impossible to identify for a while without a blood sample. I won't seem sick until..."
Raine faded off, not wanting to finish the sentence.
"Raine!" Laguna said quickly. "They will find a cure. You won't die. You can't die. They might say you're sick... but you're strong. You'll win. Beat this."
Raine tried to look confident for her husband, but all she wanted to do was cry.
Squall didn't move from where he sat. His mother was sick, with something that was going to kill her. And there was no cure, not yet. The doctors promised one, but Mom didn't seem sure.
Slowly, Squall pushed up from the ground and walked silently back to his bedroom. He didn't know what to say or think. So all he could do was crawl into bed and force away the pain. Force it down and ignore it. Then maybe he could sleep.
~Today~
Laguna sat downstairs in front of the fireplace. He started at the flames until he forced himself to close his eyes.
Laguna grimaced, heartbroken. Today was a sad day. His wife had come home with the news about her illness 9 years ago today. Yet tonight Squall had acted like it didn't matter. That there wasn't anything to be affected by.
Laguna didn't know how to break through to his son. Nothing he said or did made things better. Actually, things seemed to get worse.
Squall just kissed him. It had happened a few times before. And Laguna didn't understand why Squall did it. Forced him through that.
Squall did look like his mother. Beautiful, their eyes matched. And looking at Squall, Laguna could almost remember looking into his wife's eyes that very night she told Laguna about her dying.
There was nothing left to talk about anymore. Laguna had tried to explain things to Squall, but Squall was plenty old and mature enough to understand things perfectly well.
Laguna knew his son was far more mature then he. Most of the time it was blatantly obvious. But there were moments when Laguna was serious. He had to be. Smiling and laughing didn't work when he'd tried to make his wife happy during those last few months. And it never worked with Squall. So some moments, Laguna had to take a step back and think things over like an adult.
Tonight, Laguna had done a lot of thinking. His fear about Squall killing himself because of Raine's death wasn't needed, but it couldn't be helped. Laguna knew Squall wouldn't kill himself, but there would always be that fear. Squall was a mystery. And no matter how well Laguna thought he finally knew his son, Squall would change.
Like with whoever it was Squall spent the afternoon with. Laguna didn't know when or how Squall got a friend. Or who this person was, or why they were interested in Squall. Yet mostly, Laguna wanted to know why Squall was interested in a friend finally. What changed?
Tonight when Squall kissed him, Laguna knew nothing changed. Squall was still frozen over and numb to the world around. So what was with the friend?