(The title comes up in the same style as before the commercial. Scene then
shifts to the interior of Abe's locker. It is then opened by Abe. He is
shaking madly and making shuddering sounds. He removes a textbook from his
locker and then shuts. Camera changes to the outside hallway. Joan is
standing near Abe shaking and shuddering as well.)
Abe: That was quite a scare we got last night, right Joan?
Joan: R-right A-Abe.
Abe: It's obvious that there's some kind of psycho around.
Gandhi (off screen in a shuddering voice): Abe! Joan!
(Gandhi walks up holding hands with Marie Curie. They are both shaking in fear.)
Joan: Gandhi? Marie? It got you too?
Marie: Yes, Joan. It seems that most of the students got some sort of fright last night.
(Marie points. The camera shifts to another view of the hallway. The other clones all around are shaking in fear. They include Julius Caesar, Moses, Martin Luther King Jr., Buddha and others. Camera changes back to Abe, Joan, Gandhi and Marie.)
Gandhi: And the psycho guy sure picked the right night to come out. It was the perfect horror setting.
Abe: The kind of night that I don't want to wake up covered in blood.
Joan: Or end up kissing a skeleton in my bed.
Gandhi: You should see what that psycho (bleep) did to my bedroom. It's like a scene right out of Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
Marie: When I woke up, I was face to face with a snake dangling right in front of me, fangs bared. It was horrible.
Abe: After I nearly screamed my lungs out, I found out that the blood was fake.
Joan: The skeleton was fake too. It was the kind that is used for biology classes. Still, I can't believe I kissed it.
Gandhi: You kissed a skeleton? Man, that's typical Goth girl behavior. (wild laughter)
Marie: Gandhi! Don't tease Joan.
Joan: It's okay, Marie. I'm used to it.
Marie: Why did you kiss that skeleton anyway, Joan?
Joan: I was.dreaming.
Abe: Was it about me?
Joan: Yes, Abe. It was about a perfect moment for our first kiss as a couple.
Abe: Don't worry, Joan. That moment will come soon enough. By the way, did you get that surprise in your locker that I left you?
Joan: Yes. Thanks for the flowers, Abe.
Abe: Nothing's too good for my Joanie.
Joan: Well Abe, it's not that I don't appreciate your kindness. But don't you think you're going overboard on this courting thing? Perhaps you're being a little too smothering?
Abe: Nonsense, Joan. The book says that there's no limit on how much a guy can court a girl. In order to keep the boat of our relationship afloat, I keep it on course by doing a lot of great things. Because if I don't, this boat will hit the iceberg of breakup and we'll drift down into the icy waters of depression.
(Joan tries to make sense of this long metaphorical speech. But in the end, she can't. She smiles at her Abe.)
Joan: I have no idea what you just said, Abe. But I love those long metaphorical speeches of yours.
(Camera changes to the corner of the hallway. Cleo is peeking around the corner. She turns away. A look of complete disgust in on her face.)
Cleo: (mocking tone) I love those long metaphorical speeches of yours. Bleh. He never filled my locker with flowers. I cannot believe he left me, a clone of the most glamorous woman in history, for a homely Goth clone of a girl who got burned at the stake. There's got to be a way to get Abe away from her and back into my arms. But how?
(Cleo looks around the corner again. JFK comes from behind her.)
JFK: Hey, Egyptian Goddess! If you're looking for a handsome guy, look over here!
Cleo: Beat it, Kennedy.
JFK: Why do want that knucklehead Lincoln when you can have me? You're still numbers one and two on my list, Cleo baby.
Cleo: I cannot believe you, JFK. You don't seem too broke up about Joan dumping you for him.
JFK: Who? Oh, you mean her. I have completely forgotten her. She was merely number one hundred and forty-nine.
Cleo: Listen, Kennedy and get this through your thick skull. I'm not your girl anymore and I never will be again! Abe's the only one for me.
(Cleo stomps off in a huff.)
JFK: Whoa! That hurt. Well, I'd better just check my list and see who's next.
(JFK takes out his list of one hundred and fifty women and looks at it.)
JFK: Let's see. I'm finished with Cleo, Catherine the Great, Joan of Arc, Helen of Troy, the Bronte sisters. Ah yes! Emily Dickinson. We'll make some beautiful poetry. In a bed!
(JFK walks off laughing. Camera focuses back on Abe and the gang.)
Abe: So what do we know about this guy?
Gandhi: Well for one thing, this psycho dude has too much time on his hands. Not only did he leave buckets full of fake blood, but he also left bones carved out of stone. They were excellently crafted.
Joan: And he's really sneaky. He placed that skeleton in my bed without waking me up.
Gandhi: Yeah, man. I didn't even know what was going on until he threw something in my face to wake me up and see the horrible sight in front of me.
Abe: And for another thing, he likes to use fake blood. I got a sample of it.
(Abe shows a little plastic bag with fake blood.)
Gandhi: Perhaps we can get someone to analyze it. Then we can find out where this blood comes from and more importantly, who buys it. Then we'll find him.
Joan: Wait a minute, guys. Could it be possible that this guy is also the same person who saved us from the freezer on prom night? I mean, they both use fake blood. Maybe he's just misunderstood.
Gandhi: Misunderstood? Joan, he hung me from a blunt meat hook! We must find him and make him pay. Besides, I checked the scent of that fake blood. Its odor is different from what I smelled on prom night. Different, but the odor is not exactly like real blood. So it can be assumed that the person who saved us and the one who scared us are two very different people because they use different fake blood.
(Abe, Joan and Marie just stare at Gandhi.)
Abe: Well, that sort of almost makes sense.
Joan: I guess that can be right. But how many people keep fake blood with them at all times?
Marie: Come on, guys. Let's get to history class before Mr. Sheepman gets angry.
(The four of them walk off. The scene then shifts to the interior of Principal Scudworth's office. He is looking through his periscope.)
Scudworth: Hmm.
(Mr. Butlertron wheels up to his master.)
Mr. B: What is going on, Wesley?
Scudworth: Something has got the clones spooked. There appears to be talk of a madman who went around last night and scared everyone in their beds.
(Mr. Butlertron's eyebrows raise up.)
Mr. B (silently): Could it be?
Scudworth: Since prom night, strange things have been going on. For one thing, the Shadowy Figures haven't called me to check up on the clones or to make death threats. Now this talk about this boogeyman on the loose. Also, for some reason I've been calling John Stamos a lot lately to apologize for what I did on prom night.
(Suddenly, strange clanking sounds come from the air duct up above Scudworth's office.)
Mr. B: There appears to be something in the air duct.
Scudworth: And I have a hunch on who it is. It's that (bleep) skunk again! I bet he's trying to make me look in the air duct, and then shove a stick of dynamite into my mouth. Then after I get blown up, he'll spray me in the face and say "Try and catch me, (bleep)!". Well not this time. This time I'm going to be prepared.
(Scudworth walks off screen to the right. A few moments later, he comes back dressed in a suit of armor and wearing a gas mask. He is carrying a small step ladder. He sets it down and climbs on it.)
Scudworth: This time, Skunky-Poo, you're going to get the nasty surprise.
(Scudworth reaches up and pulls a grill off the air duct. Then he pulls out a stun gun and leans in.)
Scudworth: Okay, skunk! Prepare to be shocked.
(A loud roar is heard in the air duct. Scudworth screams and falls backward off the ladder. The clanking sounds resume as they runaway. Mr. Butlertron wheels over to his master.)
Mr. B: Good thing you were wearing a helmet.
Scudworth: Mr. B! It was horrible! There's a monster in the air duct. Probably the same thing that scared the students last night. We must take immediate action!
(Scudworth gets up and rushes to his desk. He presses a button on it.)
Scudworth: That will close all the air ducts trapping that monstrosity inside. I've also alerted the hall monitors to watch the doors. Now, I must alert the students.
(Scudworth grabs a P.A. microphone and speaks into it.)
Scudworth: Attention students of Clone High. This is your principal. Please report to the auditorium for an emergency meeting.
(Scudworth puts down the microphone and walks toward the door of his office and opens it.)
Scudworth: Come now, Lynn. There is work to be done if we're going to stop that creature.
(Scudworth leaves the office. Mr. Butlertron looks up toward the opening in the air duct.)
Mr. B: Oh Wesley. It seems your urge to scare has overcome you.
(Scene changes to the interior of the auditorium. Camera focuses on Abe, Joan, Gandhi and Marie in the crowd.)
Abe: I wonder what Principal Scudworth wants to tell us.
Gandhi: Whatever it is, I hope it involves us getting out of school early.
(Scudworth walks onto the stage and to the podium with the microphone on it. Mr. Butlertron follows him.)
Scudworth: Students of Clone High, I have some very distressing news. There is a monster on the school grounds!
(Gandhi stands up.)
Gandhi: No duh, Principal Scudworth! He's right over there!
(Camera changes to a view of the Wolfman student. He growls. Camera focuses back on Scudworth.)
Scudworth: No! No! I didn't mean him! I recently encountered a strange creature in the air ducts. I also have reason to believe that this creature is the same being who scared you all last night.
(The students gasp and start to scream.)
Catherine the Great: What are we going to do?
Thomas Edison: It could be watching us right now! (snorts)
Scudworth: Students, calm down! Your courageous principal plans to capture the beast. But I will need six volunteers to help me. Anyone who wants to help, raise your hand!
(No one raises their hand. The sound of crickets chirping is heard. Scudworth gets angry.)
Scudworth: Fine! Mr. Butlertron, please select six random students from your files.
Mr. B: Okay. Bee-boo-bee-ba-boo-bee-beep-boo-bee-ba. I have selected six students to help us capture this monster. They are Abraham Lincoln.
Abe: Dinger!
Mr. B: .Joan of Arc,.
Joan: Oh dear God, no!
Mr. B: .Mahatma Gandhi,.
Gandhi: Aw, man!
Mr. B: .Marie Curie,.
Marie: Oh dear!
Mr. B: .Cleopatra Smith,.
Cleo: What?!
Mr. B: .and John Fitzgerald Kennedy.
JFK: Why er uh me?
Scudworth: The selected six please come up to the stage. The rest of you are dismissed for the day.
(The rest of the students cheer and immediately rush out leaving the selected six in the auditorium. They all get up from their seats and walk onto the stage.)
Scudworth: Troops! Follow me! We must suit up!
(The six clones follow the evil principal. Cleo looks behind at Joan clutching Abe's arm and gives them a look of anger. Joan gets a look of fear on her face and clutches Abe tighter. Scene changes to the hallways of the school. Scudworth, Mr. Butlertron, and the six clones are dressed in army wear complete with green dome helmets and green camouflage suits. They are all holding guns.)
Scudworth: Troops! We are the only ones who are standing between victory and utter defeat and total fear. With these tranquilizer guns, we will hunt this monster down. With the air ducts all sealed off, it will have no choice but to try and use the doors which are being covered by the hall monitors. Now let us split up into pairs and find this creature. Mr. B, you're with me.
(Scudworth and Mr. Butlertron run down the hallway leaving the clones alone.)
Cleo: Did he have to dress us in these army suits? I do not look good is this color.
JFK: Believe me, Nile Queen, you look good in any color. After we er uh capture this creature, shall we go to the back of my van and catch up on some unfinished business?
Cleo: Hiss off, JFK. So Joan, what happened to you last night? I hope it was something terrible, you Abe thief!
Joan: Ah, it wasn't that bad. I just kissed a skeleton.
Cleo: (laughs) Serves you right, Goth (bleep!).
Joan: I heard you received something more terrifying, Cleo. Something right out of Psycho.
Gandhi: Whoa! Someone must really despise you, Cleo, to go as far as doing the Psycho shower scene.
Cleo: Maybe it was one of you!
(Abe, Joan, Gandhi and Marie look taken aback by this.)
Joan: We did not!
Cleo: Then what do you say to a little wager, Of Arc. A wager on whoever catches this so-called monster first. The loser has to remain one hundred yards away from Abe for a whole month.
Abe: Girls! Stop it! Cleo, I know you're mad about the breakup. But you don't have to be so mean to Joan. I'm the one you should be mad at!
Cleo: I am mad at you, Lincoln! But I'm more mad at that (bleep!) who stole you away from me.
Joan: Okay, Cleo. You've got yourself a bet.
Cleo: Come on, JFK. Let's go catch this creature.
JFK: Okay, Cleo. I'm willing to serve. Then after we catch it, maybe we can go to my van!
Cleo: I said no Kennedy!
(Cleo and JFK walk away leaving Abe, Joan, Gandhi and Marie alone.)
Abe: Joan, how could you agree to a bet like that? Especially now that I can't stand to be apart from you.
Joan: Sorry, Abe. I don't want to be apart from you at all. But I really want to show Little Ms. Perfect (Bleep!) that the better girl won.
Abe: Well, you've got a point there. Besides, there's four of us and only two of them. So we're sure to catch the monster before they do. Now let's split up and subdue that monster.
Gandhi: Uh A-dawg? That's not exactly a good idea. Judging from the way this creature scared Cleo and I, I'm beginning to think that he's following horror movie clichés. Now I've watched many horror films and the first rule is: never ever split up! Otherwise, the monster will pick you off one by one.
Joan: Gandhi! Get serious! We are not in a horror film. We are in a school trying to hunt down a monster. In fact, I don't think it's a real monster. It's probably just a crazy guy in a costume who has too much time on his hands. Probably someone from GESH playing a prank.
Abe: Joan's right, you guys. This thing probably isn't a monster. And besides, usually in horror films, at this point, the bad guy cuts the power.
(Immediately, at the end of Gandhi's words, the lights go out. All of them scream except for Abe. Abe switches on a flashlight illuminating his face.)
Abe: Everybody remain calm. This madman really is following horror movie clichés. We'd better remain together while we hunt it down. It's a good thing Principal Scudworth gave us flashlights. Come on. Let's search the school.
(Abe leads the his group through the dark hallways.)
Joan: Now I'm really worried. The school goes into lockdown when the power is shut off. So until it reactivates, we are trapped in a dark school with a dangerous psycho.
Gandhi: I wouldn't worry about it too much. In situations like this, it is usually the popular kids who go first. So we'll be safe until it finishes off Cleo and JFK.
Abe: Let's hope we catch it before then. This will be the first horror movie setting in which all the characters survive the villain's night of terror.
(Scene then changes to another hallway. Scudworth and Mr. Butlertron are walking down it. Mr. Butlertron's eyes have lit up in order to light the way. Scudworth has his tranquilizer gun ready to shoot anything.)
Scudworth: We should be coming up to the power room soon. Then we can catch it and incarcerate it before the Shadowy Figures even know we've got caught the Frankenclone.
(Mr. Butlertron's eyebrows lift up in shock.)
Mr. B: Frankenclone? What are you talking about? Do you know something about this monster that I don't?
Scudworth: Indeed I do, Mr. B. Back in 1987, when the Shadowy Figures first commissioned me to create the clones, they had me create something else. They wanted me to create a super-clone by splicing the DNA of several people together. The purpose for this clone was to be used as a way to bring in money. So they wanted to create the ultimate horror actor. They even went so far as to extract DNA from actors who weren't dead yet. This was known as Project 313. I used Vincent Price's DNA as a base and then I spliced in DNA from Bela Lugosi, Boris Karloff, Peter Lorre, Lon Chaney, Robert Englund, Anthony Perkins, and Janet Leigh.
Mr. B: Janet Leigh?
Scudworth: They wanted him to be all around so he could play both villain and victim. Leigh's DNA was just to give him a good scream. They also gave me experimental genes to use. Genes that would enable this clone to shape-shift into horrible monsters, have incredible healing powers, and the power to manipulate minds. Think of the possibilities! No make up needed! He'd be able to do dangerous stunts and be able to heal himself. And being able to look inside people's minds and find out what they fear the most! Anyway, when this super-clone was created, they couldn't decide what to name him. So they decided on the name Matt Frankenclone. The term Frankenclone came up due to the fact that he's like the Frankenstein monster of cloning: made from the DNA of several people instead of body parts.
(Mr. B gasps as he has finally learned what Matt didn't want to tell him on prom night.)
Scudworth: The Shadowy Figures decided he was too experimental to be allowed to interact with the other clones. So they kept him under their own supervision. I never saw Matt Frakenclone again. The only recent news I had of him was a few months ago. The Shadowy Figures called me and told me that he had escaped. Now I want to find the Frankenclone before they do. He'd make an excellent exhibit for Cloney Island. Ah, here's the power room.
(Mr. Butlertron shines his eye lights on a door with a glass window that says 'Power Room'. Scudworth reaches for the doorknob and opens the door.)
Scudworth: Come, Mr. B. Let's get the power back on.
Mr. B: Don't you think you should check to make sure there's nobody in there?
Scudworth: Mr. B! Why are you making such a fuss? We're an evil high school principal and his mechanical British servant armed to the teeth with weaponry against my own creation. There's absolutely nothing to be afraid of. But if you are going to be such a wimp-bot, I will check.
(Scudworth takes out a flashlight and shines it around the room. Then he turns back to Mr. Butlertron.)
Scudworth: It's all clear! Frankenclone's not in this room.
(At the end of Scudworth's line, a green tentacle whips out from the side and grabs him around the waist. It pulls him into the room. Another tentacle stretches out and closes the door. Mr. Butlertron quickly wheels up to the knob and tries to open it. But it has been locked from the inside. The sounds of an enormous fight with Scudworth screaming and horrible growling come from the room. Mr. Butlertron backs up as Scudworth hits the window. A tentacle is around his neck.)
Scudworth: Help.me.
(Scudworth slides downward and the sounds of fighting resume. In a few moments, all is quiet.)
Mr. B: Wesley?
(He is answered by a green reptilian fist with long black claws smashing through the window. It brushes the glass away. Then a horrible creature begins to climb through the smashed window. Mr. Butlertron's eyes shine on the horrible monstrosity that Matt Frankenclone has become. His skin has become similar to an alligator's skin. His arms have become thin and spindly. Two tentacles stick out from either of his sides. His feet seem to be in the process of transforming into a mess of tentacles. Small curved black horns protrude from the side of his head. His face still looks human. But it is covered in the reptilian skin. His eyes glow burning red through his glasses and his teeth have changed into horrible fangs. His cloak dangles from his back. He crawls through the window and leaps to the floor. He gazes at Mr. Butlertron growling madly. Mr. Butlertron backs away. But instead of attacking, the Matt Monster turns to the left and runs down the hall. Mr. Butlertron watches him go.)
Mr. B: Oh dear. He has lost control over the transformation. I must find a way to help him revert back to normal. But I must attend to my master first.
(Mr. Butlertron wheels up to the door. A small key attached to a miniature mechanical arm pops out from the center of his claw. He inserts it into the door and opens it. He gasps at what he sees. Camera angle shows Mr. Butlertron point of view as he gazes on Scudworth lying on the floor motionless. He chest is splattered with blood and an intestine lies on his chest. In spite of all this, Scudworth is still breathing. Mr. Butlertron wheels up to his master and picks up the intestine. There is no wound at all below it. Mr. Butlertron squeezes the intestine.)
Mr. B: Fake blood and a rubber intestine. I don't believe he can ever bring himself to take a human life even in his monstrous form. But he needs my help. First I'll attend to the power.
(Mr. Butlertron looks in the direction of the power console.)
Mr. B: Oh (bleep) it!
(Camera shows the power console. It is completely in shambles. Matt has obviously done more than just cut the power.)
Mr. B: I'd better repair it and then go after him. Who knows what he might do to the students in his present state?
(Scene shifts to another hallway. Cleo and JFK are walking with their flashlights on. JFK appears to be really scared.)
JFK: I don't think we should have gone on our own. In situations like this, it's usually the popular people especially good-looking football captains and cheerleaders who go first.
Cleo: Don't wimp out on me now, JFK. Once we capture this creature, we'll be heroes. And I'll finally get that Goth off my Abe for a whole month. Plenty of time to win his heart back.
JFK: I don't really see why er uh I should help you if you are just going to go after that tall loser Lincoln.
Cleo: (seductive) Listen, if you help me catch the creature, I will go to the back of your van.
JFK: Okay! Then isn't this great! We're like Mulder and Scully on an investigation.
Cleo: Please! Gillian Anderson is Marie Curie compared to me.
JFK: You got a point there!
(The sound of a locker door slamming is heard. Cleo and JFK jump a little bit. Cleo shines her flashlight on the lockers and stops when she spots one that doesn't have a lock on it.)
Cleo: I believe we have found our boogeyman's attempted hiding place. Get the tranquilizer gun ready. The moment I open the door, you shoot it.
JFK: Got it!
(Cleo reaches for the handle on the locker. She nods to JFK as he pulls out his tranquilizer gun and aims it at the locker.)
Cleo: Ready..now!
(Cleo opens the door and JFK fires the gun. He closes his eyes as soon as he fires.)
JFK: Did we get it?
(Cleo looks into the locker. Camera shifts to her point of view. There is nothing in the locker except the dart which has embedded itself in the back wall. Cleo slams the locker shut.)
Cleo: (Bleep) it! It tricked us! It slammed the door to make us think it was in there.
JFK: Then it must be near. But where?
(JFK looks to the left and Cleo looks to the right. The camera closes in on JFK's face. An annoyed look gets on his face.)
JFK: Cleo! Stop running your finger up and down my spine! It's giving me chills.
(Camera shifts to Cleo's face. She is annoyed as well.)
Cleo: I'm not doing it. You're the one sending chills down my spine. Back off Kennedy!
(Camera shifts to JFK's face. He is starting to look worried.)
JFK: Wait er uh a minute! If I'm not doing it and you're not doing it, then who.
(JFK starts to turn around. Camera shifts to Cleo who is turning around. Once she turns around fully, she screams. Camera shifts to JFK who screams too. The camera pulls back to show that the Matt Monster is standing between them. He looks almost the same as when he attacked Scudworth. But his lower half is now composed of a mess of tentacles. A row of spikes run down his back and his arms have gotten significantly longer. He lets out a loud roar while Cleo and JFK continue to scream.)
Cleo: Shoot it!
(JFK gathers his courage and quickly fires several shots at the Matt Monster. The camera focuses on the Matt Monster's chest. The tranquilizer darts have embedded in his chest. The Matt Monster lets out a roar and lunges at JFK. JFK screams. The Matt Monster grabs the gun and tears it in half. After tossing the pieces aside, he raises his arms and sideswipes JFK away. JFK hits the floor and slides away. The Matt Monster growls. But then more gunshots are heard. The Matt Monster turns around. His back is covered in more tranquilizer darts. Then he sees Cleo holding her gun. The Matt Monster approaches her growling more angrily. Cleo looks nervous.)
Cleo: Okay, we can safely say that tranq darts don't work against you. I hope you're not the kind of monster to hold a grudge. (seductive) Uh need a girlfriend?
(The Matt Monster lets out a loud roar. Cleo shrieks, turns around and runs away. But the Matt Monster is not going to let her get away that easy. One of the tentacles at his sides stretches out and grabs her around the waist. The tentacle wraps around her several times and pulls her back. She continues to scream. The Matt Monster reaches up with his long arms and embeds his claws in the ceiling. He lifts himself up and starts to climb across the ceiling like he was on monkey bars.)
Cleo: JFK! Help me!
(Camera shifts to JFK. He lies motionless on the ground. The fight has knocked him out. Camera shifts to the Matt Monster turning a corner carrying a screaming Cleo. Scene shifts to a pair of twin doors. They suddenly open being kicked by Gandhi. He leaps in with his gun ready. Abe, Joan and Marie follow him in. Abe shines his flashlight around the room. Camera shifts to behind them. They have entered the cafeteria.)
Joan: This place will require a thorough investigation. Abe, Gandhi search the kitchen. Marie and I will search this room.
Gandhi: Uh Joan? Ix-nay on plitting-say up-ay.
Abe: Gandhi's right, Joan. I don't think it would be a good idea to split up. I couldn't live with myself if something were to happen to you.
Joan: We're practically going to be in the same room, Abe. Nothing much could happen. Don't worry. I'll be fine. I know you're trying to be a good boyfriend. But you don't have to be so overprotective. Come on, Marie.
Marie: Don't worry, boys. We'll be okay.
(Joan and Marie start to look under tables. Abe and Gandhi head for the kitchen.)
Abe: I don't know why she's making such a big deal over a bunch of flowers in her locker and two weeks worth of dates. She should be happy that I'm finally giving her the love she deserves.
Gandhi: I know you mean well, A-dawg. But you've got to give Joan a little breathing space. You've gone from caring too little to caring too much.
Abe: Cleo didn't seem to mind when my world revolved around her.
Gandhi: Abe, there's a fine difference between Joan and Cleo.
(Suddenly, a squishing sound is heard below them. Abe looks down and picks up something. He shines his flashlight on his hands. He is holding a half- eaten hamburger patty.)
Abe: Oh my gosh!
Gandhi: Yeah. I can't believe someone actually ate a hamburger from this cafeteria. Especially since that rumor started that the burgers are made from the flesh of failed clones.
Abe: Gandhi, for one thing, you started that rumor! And for another, that's not what I meant. This hamburger patty is raw.
Gandhi: So that could mean that the monster is having a chow down in the kitchen.
Abe: Well, at least it's not chowing down on students.
(Abe and Gandhi open the double doors leading to the dark kitchen. Abe shines his flashlight around. He sees the floor is littered with pots, pans and half-eaten meat products. Then he notices the door of the freezer is open. Loud eating noises are coming from within. Abe points to the freezer)
Abe: (whispers) Gandhi, I think it's in there.
Gandhi: (whispers) Then let's move quietly and get the drop on it.
(Abe and Gandhi start to move slowly and quietly toward the freezer. They have their guns ready.)
Abe: (whispers) So, any theories on what this creature could be chances are it's not a guy in a costume?
Gandhi: (whispers) Well, it could be some sort of genetic experiment gone horribly wrong that escaped from an evil lab.
Abe: (whispers) That's ridiculous. It could be some sort of undiscovered animal like Bigfoot.
Gandhi: (whispers) Abe, everyone knows Bigfoot isn't real. This thing could also be an alien being from a far off planet.
(Abe and Gandhi soon have their backs to the freezer door.)
Abe: (whispers) Let's just catch this thing and try not to get frozen again. Once in a lifetime is enough.
Gandhi: (whispers) Okay. On three.
(Short pause.)
Abe and Gandhi: THREE!
(They rush around the door and aim their guns into the freezer. They gasp as they see what is in the freezer. The scene fades to the title card.)
(Commercial break)
Abe: That was quite a scare we got last night, right Joan?
Joan: R-right A-Abe.
Abe: It's obvious that there's some kind of psycho around.
Gandhi (off screen in a shuddering voice): Abe! Joan!
(Gandhi walks up holding hands with Marie Curie. They are both shaking in fear.)
Joan: Gandhi? Marie? It got you too?
Marie: Yes, Joan. It seems that most of the students got some sort of fright last night.
(Marie points. The camera shifts to another view of the hallway. The other clones all around are shaking in fear. They include Julius Caesar, Moses, Martin Luther King Jr., Buddha and others. Camera changes back to Abe, Joan, Gandhi and Marie.)
Gandhi: And the psycho guy sure picked the right night to come out. It was the perfect horror setting.
Abe: The kind of night that I don't want to wake up covered in blood.
Joan: Or end up kissing a skeleton in my bed.
Gandhi: You should see what that psycho (bleep) did to my bedroom. It's like a scene right out of Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
Marie: When I woke up, I was face to face with a snake dangling right in front of me, fangs bared. It was horrible.
Abe: After I nearly screamed my lungs out, I found out that the blood was fake.
Joan: The skeleton was fake too. It was the kind that is used for biology classes. Still, I can't believe I kissed it.
Gandhi: You kissed a skeleton? Man, that's typical Goth girl behavior. (wild laughter)
Marie: Gandhi! Don't tease Joan.
Joan: It's okay, Marie. I'm used to it.
Marie: Why did you kiss that skeleton anyway, Joan?
Joan: I was.dreaming.
Abe: Was it about me?
Joan: Yes, Abe. It was about a perfect moment for our first kiss as a couple.
Abe: Don't worry, Joan. That moment will come soon enough. By the way, did you get that surprise in your locker that I left you?
Joan: Yes. Thanks for the flowers, Abe.
Abe: Nothing's too good for my Joanie.
Joan: Well Abe, it's not that I don't appreciate your kindness. But don't you think you're going overboard on this courting thing? Perhaps you're being a little too smothering?
Abe: Nonsense, Joan. The book says that there's no limit on how much a guy can court a girl. In order to keep the boat of our relationship afloat, I keep it on course by doing a lot of great things. Because if I don't, this boat will hit the iceberg of breakup and we'll drift down into the icy waters of depression.
(Joan tries to make sense of this long metaphorical speech. But in the end, she can't. She smiles at her Abe.)
Joan: I have no idea what you just said, Abe. But I love those long metaphorical speeches of yours.
(Camera changes to the corner of the hallway. Cleo is peeking around the corner. She turns away. A look of complete disgust in on her face.)
Cleo: (mocking tone) I love those long metaphorical speeches of yours. Bleh. He never filled my locker with flowers. I cannot believe he left me, a clone of the most glamorous woman in history, for a homely Goth clone of a girl who got burned at the stake. There's got to be a way to get Abe away from her and back into my arms. But how?
(Cleo looks around the corner again. JFK comes from behind her.)
JFK: Hey, Egyptian Goddess! If you're looking for a handsome guy, look over here!
Cleo: Beat it, Kennedy.
JFK: Why do want that knucklehead Lincoln when you can have me? You're still numbers one and two on my list, Cleo baby.
Cleo: I cannot believe you, JFK. You don't seem too broke up about Joan dumping you for him.
JFK: Who? Oh, you mean her. I have completely forgotten her. She was merely number one hundred and forty-nine.
Cleo: Listen, Kennedy and get this through your thick skull. I'm not your girl anymore and I never will be again! Abe's the only one for me.
(Cleo stomps off in a huff.)
JFK: Whoa! That hurt. Well, I'd better just check my list and see who's next.
(JFK takes out his list of one hundred and fifty women and looks at it.)
JFK: Let's see. I'm finished with Cleo, Catherine the Great, Joan of Arc, Helen of Troy, the Bronte sisters. Ah yes! Emily Dickinson. We'll make some beautiful poetry. In a bed!
(JFK walks off laughing. Camera focuses back on Abe and the gang.)
Abe: So what do we know about this guy?
Gandhi: Well for one thing, this psycho dude has too much time on his hands. Not only did he leave buckets full of fake blood, but he also left bones carved out of stone. They were excellently crafted.
Joan: And he's really sneaky. He placed that skeleton in my bed without waking me up.
Gandhi: Yeah, man. I didn't even know what was going on until he threw something in my face to wake me up and see the horrible sight in front of me.
Abe: And for another thing, he likes to use fake blood. I got a sample of it.
(Abe shows a little plastic bag with fake blood.)
Gandhi: Perhaps we can get someone to analyze it. Then we can find out where this blood comes from and more importantly, who buys it. Then we'll find him.
Joan: Wait a minute, guys. Could it be possible that this guy is also the same person who saved us from the freezer on prom night? I mean, they both use fake blood. Maybe he's just misunderstood.
Gandhi: Misunderstood? Joan, he hung me from a blunt meat hook! We must find him and make him pay. Besides, I checked the scent of that fake blood. Its odor is different from what I smelled on prom night. Different, but the odor is not exactly like real blood. So it can be assumed that the person who saved us and the one who scared us are two very different people because they use different fake blood.
(Abe, Joan and Marie just stare at Gandhi.)
Abe: Well, that sort of almost makes sense.
Joan: I guess that can be right. But how many people keep fake blood with them at all times?
Marie: Come on, guys. Let's get to history class before Mr. Sheepman gets angry.
(The four of them walk off. The scene then shifts to the interior of Principal Scudworth's office. He is looking through his periscope.)
Scudworth: Hmm.
(Mr. Butlertron wheels up to his master.)
Mr. B: What is going on, Wesley?
Scudworth: Something has got the clones spooked. There appears to be talk of a madman who went around last night and scared everyone in their beds.
(Mr. Butlertron's eyebrows raise up.)
Mr. B (silently): Could it be?
Scudworth: Since prom night, strange things have been going on. For one thing, the Shadowy Figures haven't called me to check up on the clones or to make death threats. Now this talk about this boogeyman on the loose. Also, for some reason I've been calling John Stamos a lot lately to apologize for what I did on prom night.
(Suddenly, strange clanking sounds come from the air duct up above Scudworth's office.)
Mr. B: There appears to be something in the air duct.
Scudworth: And I have a hunch on who it is. It's that (bleep) skunk again! I bet he's trying to make me look in the air duct, and then shove a stick of dynamite into my mouth. Then after I get blown up, he'll spray me in the face and say "Try and catch me, (bleep)!". Well not this time. This time I'm going to be prepared.
(Scudworth walks off screen to the right. A few moments later, he comes back dressed in a suit of armor and wearing a gas mask. He is carrying a small step ladder. He sets it down and climbs on it.)
Scudworth: This time, Skunky-Poo, you're going to get the nasty surprise.
(Scudworth reaches up and pulls a grill off the air duct. Then he pulls out a stun gun and leans in.)
Scudworth: Okay, skunk! Prepare to be shocked.
(A loud roar is heard in the air duct. Scudworth screams and falls backward off the ladder. The clanking sounds resume as they runaway. Mr. Butlertron wheels over to his master.)
Mr. B: Good thing you were wearing a helmet.
Scudworth: Mr. B! It was horrible! There's a monster in the air duct. Probably the same thing that scared the students last night. We must take immediate action!
(Scudworth gets up and rushes to his desk. He presses a button on it.)
Scudworth: That will close all the air ducts trapping that monstrosity inside. I've also alerted the hall monitors to watch the doors. Now, I must alert the students.
(Scudworth grabs a P.A. microphone and speaks into it.)
Scudworth: Attention students of Clone High. This is your principal. Please report to the auditorium for an emergency meeting.
(Scudworth puts down the microphone and walks toward the door of his office and opens it.)
Scudworth: Come now, Lynn. There is work to be done if we're going to stop that creature.
(Scudworth leaves the office. Mr. Butlertron looks up toward the opening in the air duct.)
Mr. B: Oh Wesley. It seems your urge to scare has overcome you.
(Scene changes to the interior of the auditorium. Camera focuses on Abe, Joan, Gandhi and Marie in the crowd.)
Abe: I wonder what Principal Scudworth wants to tell us.
Gandhi: Whatever it is, I hope it involves us getting out of school early.
(Scudworth walks onto the stage and to the podium with the microphone on it. Mr. Butlertron follows him.)
Scudworth: Students of Clone High, I have some very distressing news. There is a monster on the school grounds!
(Gandhi stands up.)
Gandhi: No duh, Principal Scudworth! He's right over there!
(Camera changes to a view of the Wolfman student. He growls. Camera focuses back on Scudworth.)
Scudworth: No! No! I didn't mean him! I recently encountered a strange creature in the air ducts. I also have reason to believe that this creature is the same being who scared you all last night.
(The students gasp and start to scream.)
Catherine the Great: What are we going to do?
Thomas Edison: It could be watching us right now! (snorts)
Scudworth: Students, calm down! Your courageous principal plans to capture the beast. But I will need six volunteers to help me. Anyone who wants to help, raise your hand!
(No one raises their hand. The sound of crickets chirping is heard. Scudworth gets angry.)
Scudworth: Fine! Mr. Butlertron, please select six random students from your files.
Mr. B: Okay. Bee-boo-bee-ba-boo-bee-beep-boo-bee-ba. I have selected six students to help us capture this monster. They are Abraham Lincoln.
Abe: Dinger!
Mr. B: .Joan of Arc,.
Joan: Oh dear God, no!
Mr. B: .Mahatma Gandhi,.
Gandhi: Aw, man!
Mr. B: .Marie Curie,.
Marie: Oh dear!
Mr. B: .Cleopatra Smith,.
Cleo: What?!
Mr. B: .and John Fitzgerald Kennedy.
JFK: Why er uh me?
Scudworth: The selected six please come up to the stage. The rest of you are dismissed for the day.
(The rest of the students cheer and immediately rush out leaving the selected six in the auditorium. They all get up from their seats and walk onto the stage.)
Scudworth: Troops! Follow me! We must suit up!
(The six clones follow the evil principal. Cleo looks behind at Joan clutching Abe's arm and gives them a look of anger. Joan gets a look of fear on her face and clutches Abe tighter. Scene changes to the hallways of the school. Scudworth, Mr. Butlertron, and the six clones are dressed in army wear complete with green dome helmets and green camouflage suits. They are all holding guns.)
Scudworth: Troops! We are the only ones who are standing between victory and utter defeat and total fear. With these tranquilizer guns, we will hunt this monster down. With the air ducts all sealed off, it will have no choice but to try and use the doors which are being covered by the hall monitors. Now let us split up into pairs and find this creature. Mr. B, you're with me.
(Scudworth and Mr. Butlertron run down the hallway leaving the clones alone.)
Cleo: Did he have to dress us in these army suits? I do not look good is this color.
JFK: Believe me, Nile Queen, you look good in any color. After we er uh capture this creature, shall we go to the back of my van and catch up on some unfinished business?
Cleo: Hiss off, JFK. So Joan, what happened to you last night? I hope it was something terrible, you Abe thief!
Joan: Ah, it wasn't that bad. I just kissed a skeleton.
Cleo: (laughs) Serves you right, Goth (bleep!).
Joan: I heard you received something more terrifying, Cleo. Something right out of Psycho.
Gandhi: Whoa! Someone must really despise you, Cleo, to go as far as doing the Psycho shower scene.
Cleo: Maybe it was one of you!
(Abe, Joan, Gandhi and Marie look taken aback by this.)
Joan: We did not!
Cleo: Then what do you say to a little wager, Of Arc. A wager on whoever catches this so-called monster first. The loser has to remain one hundred yards away from Abe for a whole month.
Abe: Girls! Stop it! Cleo, I know you're mad about the breakup. But you don't have to be so mean to Joan. I'm the one you should be mad at!
Cleo: I am mad at you, Lincoln! But I'm more mad at that (bleep!) who stole you away from me.
Joan: Okay, Cleo. You've got yourself a bet.
Cleo: Come on, JFK. Let's go catch this creature.
JFK: Okay, Cleo. I'm willing to serve. Then after we catch it, maybe we can go to my van!
Cleo: I said no Kennedy!
(Cleo and JFK walk away leaving Abe, Joan, Gandhi and Marie alone.)
Abe: Joan, how could you agree to a bet like that? Especially now that I can't stand to be apart from you.
Joan: Sorry, Abe. I don't want to be apart from you at all. But I really want to show Little Ms. Perfect (Bleep!) that the better girl won.
Abe: Well, you've got a point there. Besides, there's four of us and only two of them. So we're sure to catch the monster before they do. Now let's split up and subdue that monster.
Gandhi: Uh A-dawg? That's not exactly a good idea. Judging from the way this creature scared Cleo and I, I'm beginning to think that he's following horror movie clichés. Now I've watched many horror films and the first rule is: never ever split up! Otherwise, the monster will pick you off one by one.
Joan: Gandhi! Get serious! We are not in a horror film. We are in a school trying to hunt down a monster. In fact, I don't think it's a real monster. It's probably just a crazy guy in a costume who has too much time on his hands. Probably someone from GESH playing a prank.
Abe: Joan's right, you guys. This thing probably isn't a monster. And besides, usually in horror films, at this point, the bad guy cuts the power.
(Immediately, at the end of Gandhi's words, the lights go out. All of them scream except for Abe. Abe switches on a flashlight illuminating his face.)
Abe: Everybody remain calm. This madman really is following horror movie clichés. We'd better remain together while we hunt it down. It's a good thing Principal Scudworth gave us flashlights. Come on. Let's search the school.
(Abe leads the his group through the dark hallways.)
Joan: Now I'm really worried. The school goes into lockdown when the power is shut off. So until it reactivates, we are trapped in a dark school with a dangerous psycho.
Gandhi: I wouldn't worry about it too much. In situations like this, it is usually the popular kids who go first. So we'll be safe until it finishes off Cleo and JFK.
Abe: Let's hope we catch it before then. This will be the first horror movie setting in which all the characters survive the villain's night of terror.
(Scene then changes to another hallway. Scudworth and Mr. Butlertron are walking down it. Mr. Butlertron's eyes have lit up in order to light the way. Scudworth has his tranquilizer gun ready to shoot anything.)
Scudworth: We should be coming up to the power room soon. Then we can catch it and incarcerate it before the Shadowy Figures even know we've got caught the Frankenclone.
(Mr. Butlertron's eyebrows lift up in shock.)
Mr. B: Frankenclone? What are you talking about? Do you know something about this monster that I don't?
Scudworth: Indeed I do, Mr. B. Back in 1987, when the Shadowy Figures first commissioned me to create the clones, they had me create something else. They wanted me to create a super-clone by splicing the DNA of several people together. The purpose for this clone was to be used as a way to bring in money. So they wanted to create the ultimate horror actor. They even went so far as to extract DNA from actors who weren't dead yet. This was known as Project 313. I used Vincent Price's DNA as a base and then I spliced in DNA from Bela Lugosi, Boris Karloff, Peter Lorre, Lon Chaney, Robert Englund, Anthony Perkins, and Janet Leigh.
Mr. B: Janet Leigh?
Scudworth: They wanted him to be all around so he could play both villain and victim. Leigh's DNA was just to give him a good scream. They also gave me experimental genes to use. Genes that would enable this clone to shape-shift into horrible monsters, have incredible healing powers, and the power to manipulate minds. Think of the possibilities! No make up needed! He'd be able to do dangerous stunts and be able to heal himself. And being able to look inside people's minds and find out what they fear the most! Anyway, when this super-clone was created, they couldn't decide what to name him. So they decided on the name Matt Frankenclone. The term Frankenclone came up due to the fact that he's like the Frankenstein monster of cloning: made from the DNA of several people instead of body parts.
(Mr. B gasps as he has finally learned what Matt didn't want to tell him on prom night.)
Scudworth: The Shadowy Figures decided he was too experimental to be allowed to interact with the other clones. So they kept him under their own supervision. I never saw Matt Frakenclone again. The only recent news I had of him was a few months ago. The Shadowy Figures called me and told me that he had escaped. Now I want to find the Frankenclone before they do. He'd make an excellent exhibit for Cloney Island. Ah, here's the power room.
(Mr. Butlertron shines his eye lights on a door with a glass window that says 'Power Room'. Scudworth reaches for the doorknob and opens the door.)
Scudworth: Come, Mr. B. Let's get the power back on.
Mr. B: Don't you think you should check to make sure there's nobody in there?
Scudworth: Mr. B! Why are you making such a fuss? We're an evil high school principal and his mechanical British servant armed to the teeth with weaponry against my own creation. There's absolutely nothing to be afraid of. But if you are going to be such a wimp-bot, I will check.
(Scudworth takes out a flashlight and shines it around the room. Then he turns back to Mr. Butlertron.)
Scudworth: It's all clear! Frankenclone's not in this room.
(At the end of Scudworth's line, a green tentacle whips out from the side and grabs him around the waist. It pulls him into the room. Another tentacle stretches out and closes the door. Mr. Butlertron quickly wheels up to the knob and tries to open it. But it has been locked from the inside. The sounds of an enormous fight with Scudworth screaming and horrible growling come from the room. Mr. Butlertron backs up as Scudworth hits the window. A tentacle is around his neck.)
Scudworth: Help.me.
(Scudworth slides downward and the sounds of fighting resume. In a few moments, all is quiet.)
Mr. B: Wesley?
(He is answered by a green reptilian fist with long black claws smashing through the window. It brushes the glass away. Then a horrible creature begins to climb through the smashed window. Mr. Butlertron's eyes shine on the horrible monstrosity that Matt Frankenclone has become. His skin has become similar to an alligator's skin. His arms have become thin and spindly. Two tentacles stick out from either of his sides. His feet seem to be in the process of transforming into a mess of tentacles. Small curved black horns protrude from the side of his head. His face still looks human. But it is covered in the reptilian skin. His eyes glow burning red through his glasses and his teeth have changed into horrible fangs. His cloak dangles from his back. He crawls through the window and leaps to the floor. He gazes at Mr. Butlertron growling madly. Mr. Butlertron backs away. But instead of attacking, the Matt Monster turns to the left and runs down the hall. Mr. Butlertron watches him go.)
Mr. B: Oh dear. He has lost control over the transformation. I must find a way to help him revert back to normal. But I must attend to my master first.
(Mr. Butlertron wheels up to the door. A small key attached to a miniature mechanical arm pops out from the center of his claw. He inserts it into the door and opens it. He gasps at what he sees. Camera angle shows Mr. Butlertron point of view as he gazes on Scudworth lying on the floor motionless. He chest is splattered with blood and an intestine lies on his chest. In spite of all this, Scudworth is still breathing. Mr. Butlertron wheels up to his master and picks up the intestine. There is no wound at all below it. Mr. Butlertron squeezes the intestine.)
Mr. B: Fake blood and a rubber intestine. I don't believe he can ever bring himself to take a human life even in his monstrous form. But he needs my help. First I'll attend to the power.
(Mr. Butlertron looks in the direction of the power console.)
Mr. B: Oh (bleep) it!
(Camera shows the power console. It is completely in shambles. Matt has obviously done more than just cut the power.)
Mr. B: I'd better repair it and then go after him. Who knows what he might do to the students in his present state?
(Scene shifts to another hallway. Cleo and JFK are walking with their flashlights on. JFK appears to be really scared.)
JFK: I don't think we should have gone on our own. In situations like this, it's usually the popular people especially good-looking football captains and cheerleaders who go first.
Cleo: Don't wimp out on me now, JFK. Once we capture this creature, we'll be heroes. And I'll finally get that Goth off my Abe for a whole month. Plenty of time to win his heart back.
JFK: I don't really see why er uh I should help you if you are just going to go after that tall loser Lincoln.
Cleo: (seductive) Listen, if you help me catch the creature, I will go to the back of your van.
JFK: Okay! Then isn't this great! We're like Mulder and Scully on an investigation.
Cleo: Please! Gillian Anderson is Marie Curie compared to me.
JFK: You got a point there!
(The sound of a locker door slamming is heard. Cleo and JFK jump a little bit. Cleo shines her flashlight on the lockers and stops when she spots one that doesn't have a lock on it.)
Cleo: I believe we have found our boogeyman's attempted hiding place. Get the tranquilizer gun ready. The moment I open the door, you shoot it.
JFK: Got it!
(Cleo reaches for the handle on the locker. She nods to JFK as he pulls out his tranquilizer gun and aims it at the locker.)
Cleo: Ready..now!
(Cleo opens the door and JFK fires the gun. He closes his eyes as soon as he fires.)
JFK: Did we get it?
(Cleo looks into the locker. Camera shifts to her point of view. There is nothing in the locker except the dart which has embedded itself in the back wall. Cleo slams the locker shut.)
Cleo: (Bleep) it! It tricked us! It slammed the door to make us think it was in there.
JFK: Then it must be near. But where?
(JFK looks to the left and Cleo looks to the right. The camera closes in on JFK's face. An annoyed look gets on his face.)
JFK: Cleo! Stop running your finger up and down my spine! It's giving me chills.
(Camera shifts to Cleo's face. She is annoyed as well.)
Cleo: I'm not doing it. You're the one sending chills down my spine. Back off Kennedy!
(Camera shifts to JFK's face. He is starting to look worried.)
JFK: Wait er uh a minute! If I'm not doing it and you're not doing it, then who.
(JFK starts to turn around. Camera shifts to Cleo who is turning around. Once she turns around fully, she screams. Camera shifts to JFK who screams too. The camera pulls back to show that the Matt Monster is standing between them. He looks almost the same as when he attacked Scudworth. But his lower half is now composed of a mess of tentacles. A row of spikes run down his back and his arms have gotten significantly longer. He lets out a loud roar while Cleo and JFK continue to scream.)
Cleo: Shoot it!
(JFK gathers his courage and quickly fires several shots at the Matt Monster. The camera focuses on the Matt Monster's chest. The tranquilizer darts have embedded in his chest. The Matt Monster lets out a roar and lunges at JFK. JFK screams. The Matt Monster grabs the gun and tears it in half. After tossing the pieces aside, he raises his arms and sideswipes JFK away. JFK hits the floor and slides away. The Matt Monster growls. But then more gunshots are heard. The Matt Monster turns around. His back is covered in more tranquilizer darts. Then he sees Cleo holding her gun. The Matt Monster approaches her growling more angrily. Cleo looks nervous.)
Cleo: Okay, we can safely say that tranq darts don't work against you. I hope you're not the kind of monster to hold a grudge. (seductive) Uh need a girlfriend?
(The Matt Monster lets out a loud roar. Cleo shrieks, turns around and runs away. But the Matt Monster is not going to let her get away that easy. One of the tentacles at his sides stretches out and grabs her around the waist. The tentacle wraps around her several times and pulls her back. She continues to scream. The Matt Monster reaches up with his long arms and embeds his claws in the ceiling. He lifts himself up and starts to climb across the ceiling like he was on monkey bars.)
Cleo: JFK! Help me!
(Camera shifts to JFK. He lies motionless on the ground. The fight has knocked him out. Camera shifts to the Matt Monster turning a corner carrying a screaming Cleo. Scene shifts to a pair of twin doors. They suddenly open being kicked by Gandhi. He leaps in with his gun ready. Abe, Joan and Marie follow him in. Abe shines his flashlight around the room. Camera shifts to behind them. They have entered the cafeteria.)
Joan: This place will require a thorough investigation. Abe, Gandhi search the kitchen. Marie and I will search this room.
Gandhi: Uh Joan? Ix-nay on plitting-say up-ay.
Abe: Gandhi's right, Joan. I don't think it would be a good idea to split up. I couldn't live with myself if something were to happen to you.
Joan: We're practically going to be in the same room, Abe. Nothing much could happen. Don't worry. I'll be fine. I know you're trying to be a good boyfriend. But you don't have to be so overprotective. Come on, Marie.
Marie: Don't worry, boys. We'll be okay.
(Joan and Marie start to look under tables. Abe and Gandhi head for the kitchen.)
Abe: I don't know why she's making such a big deal over a bunch of flowers in her locker and two weeks worth of dates. She should be happy that I'm finally giving her the love she deserves.
Gandhi: I know you mean well, A-dawg. But you've got to give Joan a little breathing space. You've gone from caring too little to caring too much.
Abe: Cleo didn't seem to mind when my world revolved around her.
Gandhi: Abe, there's a fine difference between Joan and Cleo.
(Suddenly, a squishing sound is heard below them. Abe looks down and picks up something. He shines his flashlight on his hands. He is holding a half- eaten hamburger patty.)
Abe: Oh my gosh!
Gandhi: Yeah. I can't believe someone actually ate a hamburger from this cafeteria. Especially since that rumor started that the burgers are made from the flesh of failed clones.
Abe: Gandhi, for one thing, you started that rumor! And for another, that's not what I meant. This hamburger patty is raw.
Gandhi: So that could mean that the monster is having a chow down in the kitchen.
Abe: Well, at least it's not chowing down on students.
(Abe and Gandhi open the double doors leading to the dark kitchen. Abe shines his flashlight around. He sees the floor is littered with pots, pans and half-eaten meat products. Then he notices the door of the freezer is open. Loud eating noises are coming from within. Abe points to the freezer)
Abe: (whispers) Gandhi, I think it's in there.
Gandhi: (whispers) Then let's move quietly and get the drop on it.
(Abe and Gandhi start to move slowly and quietly toward the freezer. They have their guns ready.)
Abe: (whispers) So, any theories on what this creature could be chances are it's not a guy in a costume?
Gandhi: (whispers) Well, it could be some sort of genetic experiment gone horribly wrong that escaped from an evil lab.
Abe: (whispers) That's ridiculous. It could be some sort of undiscovered animal like Bigfoot.
Gandhi: (whispers) Abe, everyone knows Bigfoot isn't real. This thing could also be an alien being from a far off planet.
(Abe and Gandhi soon have their backs to the freezer door.)
Abe: (whispers) Let's just catch this thing and try not to get frozen again. Once in a lifetime is enough.
Gandhi: (whispers) Okay. On three.
(Short pause.)
Abe and Gandhi: THREE!
(They rush around the door and aim their guns into the freezer. They gasp as they see what is in the freezer. The scene fades to the title card.)
(Commercial break)