Here I stand alone
With this weight upon my heart,
And it will not go away.
In my head I keep on looking back,
Right back to the start -
Wondering what it was that made you change.
She stood quietly at the windowsill. Her head resting on the cool painted wood as she blankly gazed at the ocean. The light from a full moon was reflected softly on the sea making it glisten as brightly as the stars above. The waves silently rose and fell, buffeted and tossed by an unfelt breeze. The waves melded together so that after a time she had difficulty telling where one wave began and another ended.
She was thinking about him again. She tortured herself with memories of him every evening.
The memories were made almost real tonight. Perhaps it was the effect of the alcohol? Perhaps it was the smell of the salt on the air? It was so like the taste of his skin…
Closing her eyes, her tongue licked the alcohol induced sweat from her top lip and she could all but feel the gentle brush of his elegant fingers on the exposed skin of her shoulders. She felt them travel further down her body. Lower, lower, lower, until she thought she'd scream from the sheer pleasure of the sweet torment he took so much delight inflicting upon her. His every caress was softer, yet more arousing, than the last.
She had graduated from Balitin's College of Wizardry Sciences and had accepted a position in the research division of the Ministry of Magic. Her primary specialization was potions and while she had learned much from her time at school, she still had far to go before she would rise to the level of Potions Mistress. It wasn't until two months into her new career that she saw him one morning.
She walked into the lab she shared with two other junior researchers and there he was. It had been three years since she had seen him last. She stood in the Great Hall at Hogwarts and had happily accepted her diploma from a proud Dumbledore. Three years and yet there he stood now, one brow raised, appraising her in that cool, almost disinterested manner in which he viewed everything. She had felt like an insect under a microscope as he cruelly dissected her with his cold laser eyes.
Suddenly she had the urge to flee, but as if sensing her impending flight he opened his mouth and uttered a greeting.
"I see that seven years of being beleaguered by your continual presence obviously wasn't enough penance for whatever transgressions I may have committed in my lifetime Miss Granger," he told her.
She blinked.
He waited, arms crossed and towering over her while she silently pleaded with her mouth to say something rather than standing there looking like a gaping awestruck first year.
It transpired he had been called in as a consultant to assist with the development of a revolutionary new potion that could quite possibly turn the tide in the war. A potion that, once imbibed, would endow a person with a type of sixth sense that would detect anyone within a certain radius who carried the Dark Mark.
Of course they had to be within mere feet of one another for the potion to work, but still it had been the start of something positive, something that would lend hope to many in a world in which such ideas were fading fast. It was to be a breakthrough that would serve as an enormous help to both the Order and Ministry Aurors, enabling them to tag Voldemort's minions and send them to Azkaban thereby reducing the numbers in his ever-growing forces.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The window rattled as the sea breeze blew inland and she was brought out of her musings. A noise in the other room quickly drew her into her flat to find its source. Assured that everything was as it should be, she poured herself another drink, ignoring the way the bottle trembled in her hands and reclined on the sofa. Gulping down a stinging mouthful, she closed her eyes and lost herself once again in the memories of her past.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They had been moved to their own lab and had worked for over a year on the detection potion, always under the tightest of security measures. He still maintained his responsibilities to Hogwarts leaving her to carry out the more practical aspects of their research on her own during the school year. Neither one was allowed to discuss the nature of their research with anyone outside the facility which had frustrated her to no end. He was, as he always had been, a man of few words. Yet that had begun to change by the end of their first year and it was with extreme surprise that she found herself accepting an unexpected dinner invitation.
Dinner had not turned out to be the tense affair that she had been anticipating but rather enjoyable, filled with discussions covering numerous topics ranging from current theories in the potions field from literature to theatre. She had almost been sorry to see the evening end as he bid her a good night and she apparated back to her tiny flat. From then on, they began to see each other on a social level every Friday evening which quickly increased to several evenings a week.
Of course, he was always the perfect gentleman, but by this time she was beginning to feel restless. There was something missing, there had to be something more. It was a dreadful feeling and one she argued with herself about. It was not reasonable; it was not sane to want to be with such a man. Yet there was something only he bought her and that something remained an elusive thing she missed and yearned for whenever he was gone.
Besides it was ridiculous. How could she expect him to want spend time with her? She should not be so selfish. How could he feel something for a shy bookworm beyond a common thirst for knowledge? Anything else was improbable, if not laughable. There was the difference in their ages and most importantly, their social status. Not that she believed he had cared too much about such things, but his cover for the Order had to be maintained at all costs. Being seen with her would have served to do nothing more than invite trouble. As it was, they had managed to keep their meetings a secret by escaping to the muggle world, but she knew it couldn't last forever.
If she had only known at the time that he was having the same thoughts. Who would have guessed that someone of his nature suffered from the same insecurities as she?
Their outings continued for several months before he finally broke tradition and took her hand in his one evening. Only this night he hadn't raised her hand to his lips to gently kiss the smooth skin in a manner that sent shivers straight down her spine. This night he had taken her hand and slowly pulled her to him. He lowered his face and captured her lips in the most exquisite of kisses. It was a kiss that silently spoke of the feelings he could not verbalize. It was a kiss that marked the beginning of both Heaven and Hell.
Drawing back from her, he had looked intently into her eyes as if seeking an answer to an unasked question. Feeling unsure, but giddy and courageous she smiled back at him, hoping that her face would show him everything he sought. After a moment a large, genuine smile spread across his face giving him a sort of boyish charm. It was at that particular moment in time that she realized she had fallen in love with him.
Making one final, discrete glance up and down the street, she made certain that no one was around before softly pulling on his hand in a gesture that told him he was welcome to come in.
'And he had been welcome,' she thought with a smile as she pulled her thoughts back to the present and wiped away the tears that were mercilessly trailing down her cheeks. Putting the empty glass on the end table, she stretched out on the oversized sofa and closed her eyes, allowing the memories to once more carry her back to a better place in time.
They had made love several times throughout the night, each moving slowly as they learned the contours and nuances of one another's body. Their hands forming soft caresses and mouths whispered words. They pleasured one another time after time, soaring together to unbelievable heights and shuddering in the depths of each other's bodies. It didn't take either long to realize that they were at rest, found, safe in needing each other. They were finally truly complete.
The relationship had continued in secret for several months until one evening, he was called to the side of the Dark Lord. She never discovered what happened that night but after seeing the haunted look in his eyes she knew that her world was on the brink of change.
A cold, bone-chilling feeling permeated her soul and although she had tried to regain the warmth she once felt, she never fully succeeded. Even now she felt as if she were nothing more than an animated sculpture made by an artist who had crafted her from the hardest of ice.
Well I tried but I had to draw the line,
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind.
What if I had never let you go?
Would you be the man I used to know?
If I'd stayed, if you'd tried,
If we could only turn back time.
But I guess we'll never know.
The visits became less frequent until they stopped altogether. That had coincided with the completion of their research, which had been so successful that several Ministry officials had taken the time to stop in and congratulate them repeatedly. He had put forth a tight smile when Albus Dumbledore had congratulated them, excusing himself as she spoke with the headmaster and apparated back to Hogwarts, never to see her again.
He had pushed her away without any explanation. She was no fool; she knew their relationship would have been too dangerous at that particular time. Yet she had owled him repeatedly, but he stubbornly refused to acknowledge her. Eventually her letters were returned unopened and she stopped trying altogether. She had had to face facts: he didn't want her and it was time to let go.
She had continued working at the Ministry but the joy she had once felt was gone. She was tired and despondent. It wasn't until a few days later when she bumped into Albus Dumbledore that she realized how far gone she must have allowed herself to dwindle. One concerned look from the old wizard and she began to see what others had been noticing for several weeks. She had become nothing more than a shell of the person she used to be.
Many roads to take,
Some to joy, some to heartache.
Anyone can loose their way.
And if I said that we could turn it back,
Right back to the start -
Would you take the chance and make the change.
Do you think how it would have been sometimes?
Do you pray that I never left your side?
A few weeks later she had been surprised to see a small owl appear at the window of her flat. It carried a letter bearing the Beauxbaton insignia. They had been searching for a new potions professor and had been assured that her credentials were exemplary. It was been quite an opportunity and considering the information she had received regarding her health just the day before, it answered a lot of her fears.
Two weeks later she found herself seated quietly behind her desk awaiting the arrival of her first class of the new school year.
The year had progressed slowly but she had felt she was making progress with the students. Her surroundings were beautiful and the other professors were intelligent and interesting. Unfortunately, they could never be anything other than a poor substitute for him.
If only we could turn the hands of time.
If I could take it back would you still be mine,
Cause I tried but I had to draw the line.
She had entertained thoughts of using a time-turner to go back to the night he had been called away from her, the night that everything had changed. Perhaps, if she went back she could keep him from answering the summons? Perhaps she could keep him from walking out of her life?
In her dreams she constructed fantasies that consisted of the two falling into each other's arms only to swear they would never be apart. Angrily she told herself that she had to stop living on fantasies and start living in the real world. There were more important things to attend to. The war was raging, death notices in the papers, funerals and mourning…
Where was he? There was never any mention of him in the news.
It was ironic. So many unanswered questions and she the least likely person to tolerate them. There was no book, no newspaper clipping to answer what she longed for. She knew that no matter how hard she tried to search for answers that she wouldn't find them, unless of course he was willing to break his silence.
What if I had never let you go?
Would you be the man I used to know?
What if I had never walked away,
Cause I still love you more than I could say.
If I'd stayed, if you'd tried,
If we could only turn back time.
But I guess we'll never know.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A loud cry sounded from the other room and she quickly sat up, swaying from the effects of alcohol and memories. Standing up, she walked into the little room and turned on a soft lamp that bathed the room in a gentle light. The disturbance had come from a small corner of the room and with a sad smile, Hermione walked over to pick up the tear-drenched baby. She loving stroked his raven colored hair while singing a muggle nursery rhyme that her mother had once sang to her so long ago. Hearing his mother's voice, the infant opened his eyes and peered up at her face with thoughtful black eyes.
"Shush now Steven, everything's alright," she cooed and carried him to the living room. Taking her seat on the sofa she glanced at the newspaper and looked back at her son. "You know don't you sweetie? Mummy doesn't quite understand how or why but she's willing to bet that you know."
The baby looked into his mother's face and reached a tiny hand up to gently tug on her hair while Hermione looked at the front page of the wizarding paper.
THE WAR IS OVER! HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED IS GONE FOR GOOD!
In a final, victorious battle yesterday afternoon members of the Order of the Phoenix, joined by Aurors and Unspeakables from the Ministry of Magic, overcame the dark forces that had pledged their allegiance to the Dark Lord. In what eyewitnesses claim to be one of the most spectacular sights in history, Harry Potter, Albus Dumbledore and Severus Snape surrounded the Dark Lord and simultaneously cast their killing curses in an effort to combine their powers and banish the Dark Lord into oblivion. Witnesses say that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named managed to cast one final killing curse before his demise that resulted in the death of Hogwart's potions master Severus Snape. Snape, who had once joined the Dark Lord's ranks as a Death Eater, turned traitor and joined the Order just before the first disappearance of the Dark Lord twenty-six years ago in an effort to gain sorely needed information for the Resistance. Ministry officials announced today that Snape is considered a war hero and will be posthumously awarded the honor of the Order of Merlin-First Class. Severus Snape was the last of the Snape family line. (Story continued on page 11…)
Letting the tears stream down her face, she held onto the only tangible proof of their love. Rocking her baby back and forth in an effort to comfort them both, she looked around the room and sighed in despair. She had been on her way to tell him of Steven's existence. He had the right to know. Being away in France for so long she hadn't realized that the end of the war was so close at hand. She looked back at the newspaper and felt the tears run down her face to pool at the corners of her mouth. All the questions would remain unanswered now. One day their son would have questions and she had no answers to give.
What if? The one question kept dancing across her mind… What if?
If I'd stayed, if you'd tried,
If we could only turn back time.
But I guess we'll never know.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The End
Author's Note: I would like to send out special thanks to Fleable who graciously edited this piece and enriched it ever so much. –Thank you!
Also, if you would like to see a copy of the lyrics or watch the video for this song then visit the following site. discoverkate.com/anim/christmas-carol/what-if (please place www. in front of the address)
~Jules