Not So Simple

By spheeris1

Pairing: light hints at Utena/Anthy and Utena/Akio

Warnings/notes: Utena POV, low angst, poem-thing filled with not-so-regretful regrets

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I dreamed the same things all little girls must dream. Laying on my back and watching clouds

Shift against a cornflower sky, seeing visions of love and understanding dancing in the stratosphere.

All I wanted was someone to love me wholly.

To feel safe and secure and have strong arms hold me close and protect me from harm.

I thought that daydream was simple,

Thought it was easy to obtain the image living in my heart.

How could a little girl like me know how wrong I was?

As my legs grew and my confidence ascended, I felt like leaving that desire behind…

To break free of my longing and run free.

Watch those little-girl tassels slip from my hair and get carried

Away with the breeze of adult fantasies….

I wish now that I could go back. I wish I could have explored my childhood more,

With parents to guide me or a sibling to lean on…

I sometimes wish I didn't have to figure out the politics of love on my own.

A young woman trying to be something out of her reach,

Trying to be the shoulder all could rely on.

I think of it a useless now.

You can only be what you are….and I was never good at breaking truly free from the

Chains of my past and my fears.

I was a girl trying to be a warrior. I was a woman fighting gender.

But one scent of those fairy-tale wishes of old and I dug out moth-eaten dresses, forever waiting in

That locked up part of my soul….ready to wear and ready to shine.

I put so much false hope into false kisses.

I let notions of someone pure and true lull me away…into the night.

Hands are the same, lips are the same….and who could I go to

To find out the real difference?

One pair was so sure and so smooth. His hand in mine and his eyes pulling me under like the

Tide….and my love was lost to the sand….

I gave him all of me.

My body was a mystery to me, all pale contours and shadowed places. If he could find the way

Around it…if he could calm my nerves and take the reins…..

I could let go. I could finally let it all go….

I wasn't looking at the reality before me. I was looking at the damn clouds again.

The virginity I should have cherished was lost forever to

His skilled hands, to his skilled lips, to his deadly skill….

Girls pretending to be women cannot see past the castle….

…and they are afraid of what lies beyond it….

But I am grateful for some part of me holding fast to changing ideals.

Some part of me still wanted to run free and break away and find the sunlight

Over the battlement walls.

And I found that love is a lie. Childish longings fade with the impending adulthood…

And you can't avoid it.

Maybe I wanted to…a little…but I could not.

He gave me the image

And I threw it away.

I wanted something real and hard and painful….

I had to see past the clouds,

I had to see past the walls.

I didn't dream of you so many years ago.

Your face seemed like a distant memory and your voice was like

A nameless tune I constantly hummed.

Back then, I didn't understand you…for you acted out

So much of what lived deep inside of me.

The princess in waiting.

The lady who faints.

By pulling you out, I was pulling me out.

I didn't get it then….I just didn't get you or me or any of it.

Love was supposed to be normal.

Not this, not this complicated mess of feelings and needs,

Not this ache in my heart at seeing you….

I can smile about it now.

But in the moment,….I cried adolescent tears.

How could I live my darkest desires if I loved another girl?

How could I be a Prince if I faded at his touch?

Those questions plagued me, back then….

And the answers were not so simple.

They never will be.

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END