Shadowed Souls
Chapter Thirteen
Some of the content of this chapter may be a borderline R rating for sexual references and swearing. Just so you know.
Thank you for being so patient. Real life is an evil thing and has been getting in the way of writing far too much recently.
Thanks to Farewell, ladyassassin, Isa, Keiwen-Pi, QueenSmithy, MorganD, madkornfan, FairyTale, evil spapple pie, white owl, mystandmemory, Lady Pegasus, Mel, Gracie, Mrs Aish Luthor, Star, Skep, Melannii, Mimiru, chimerical, CIM, MoonyProngs, fusion, WaitingOnYou, Ryuen, Larken84, Pip, Marauder, Eirual, Anne Valentine, Luna, Ice, Padfootwolfboy, tanuki-chan, Ralza, and anyone else I've forgotten for reviewing.
Extra thanks and chocolate to Farewell for prodding me and threatening me with Arryn, without which I don't know when this would have been written.
Yes, it's the end, the last chapter, the big showdown … so I'll shut up and let you read *g*
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Remus stumbled through the downpour, under a leaden sky, shivering convulsively in a worn school-robe several inches too short and a cloak which had certainly seen better days, possibly before he was born. He had waited in the Shrieking Shack for hours, convincing himself every second that Sirius would return the next, until it had become painfully obvious that he could stay here for as long as he wished, and remain totally alone. So, with his mouth dry and his heart pounding erratically in his throat, he had set out to search for him in all the places where they had hidden in their youth. He firmly quashed the tide of dangerously bittersweet memories which threatened to overwhelm him as he went, memories of times which they never thought would end, never be lost in a mire of betrayal, anger and bloodshed.
Finally, when he had exhausted all other possibilities, Remus began to climb the steep hill outside Hogsmeade, his feet slipping and sliding on the mossy stones and slick earth, grabbing hold of bushes to keep himself upright until he was soaked to the skin and filthy, his face streaked with gluey mud. Cursing the foulness of the weather, he lifted his head to check where he was, and saw, silhouetted against the heavy darkness of the clouds, a blacker shadow, wind-whipped like a struggling sapling. As he drew nearer, he realised that it was too tall, too frailly thin to be an animal. It was a man, his tear-ravaged face upraised to the pounding rain, his soaked robes plastered to his body.
"Sirius," he called out, acutely aware of the tremulous note of uncertainty in his voice. "Sirius, you shouldn't be out here. What if someone sees you?"
The Animagus turned his gaze on Remus and the werewolf shivered involuntarily at the blankness, the abject lack of any last flicker of emotion, which flamed in those blue eyes, searing him to the bone.
"Who would be out in this weather but outcasts and vagabonds?" His face hardened even further. "You should go back to Hogwarts, Lupin. I'm fine here."
"Don't be so damn ridiculous," Remus snapped. "You're freezing. Come back to my flat and get dried off."
"I'm not going anywhere near your…" Sirius returned harshly, but stopped dead as the slighter man swayed, clutching at a stunted tree for support, ignoring the thorns which cut into the tender flesh of his palm. "What the hell do you think you're doing? You're still sick. Do you want to give yourself pneumonia as well?"
His heart clenched at the thought of how near the other had been to the brink of death.
"I'm not going anywhere until you agree to come and get dried off."
For a brief moment, the two men simply stared at each other, tension charging the air between them, crackling from tree to tree. With the slightest gesture of acquiescence, Sirius transformed into his Animagus form and stalked off towards the village, every hair on the scruff of his neck bristling with fear.
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Fishing round for the muggle-style key, which the Death Eaters had fortunately overlooked, Remus let them into the chilly flat. Shrugging off his waterlogged cloak and leaving it in a puddle on the floor, he began searching for towels and clean, dry clothes, unwilling to make eye contact with his visitor, who was looking around through heavily lidded eyes, noticing every small detail, every scattered book, every discarded quill. Remus was afraid of his own reaction if he caught that adamantine glare, of the tumultuous emotions bubbling up inside him and threatening to escape in a torrent of words.
"God, Moony, your taste in clothes has gone downhill!" Sirius emerged from the bedroom in a robe in a particularly bilious shade of dark green. Remus, straightening up suddenly, cracked his head on a open cupboard door.
"Believe me, that robe would not have been my first choice either, but you make do with whatever comes to hand," he said with a shrug and a wan smile.
The Animagus stiffened, his eyes glittering strangely as he remembered the bleak hopelessness of his situation, and the inappropriateness of the casual teasing remarks which still rose so easily to his lips. "I beg your pardon. I'll be going."
"You still need to warm up. I'll make some tea." He knew that he was gibbering from nerves, but found it impossible to stop. "I have Earl Grey … lemon and ginger…"
"Tea? Tea?" Sirius exploded, his already meagre patience melting away. "Because tea will make everything so much better, is that it? That's the problem with you, Remus Lupin. You think we can all be polite and oh so English and drink tea and pretend that we're only casual acquaintances, and everything will be fine."
"So I guess that tea isn't the answer." The werewolf sank down shakily onto the ancient, sagging sofa. Sirius paced the room angrily, his bare feet leaving damp marks on the threadbare carpet, raking his hands through his hair, showering the furniture with flying rain droplets.
Remus wiped one from his face, absentmindedly rubbing his fingertips together.
"We need to talk." He worried at his frayed cuff, hesitant as to how far he should go... how far he dared to go before his courage failed…
"There's nothing left to be said." The Animagus plunked himself down on the sofa as far from his old lover as possible. "What's the point of trying when you've already told me that you don't want anything to do with me?"
"I have something more to say," Remus maintained stubbornly. "Won't you listen?"
"Fine." The Animagus stretched his long legs out, his bony ankles protruding incongruously from the darned hem, and feigned nonchalance.
"That day … in the summer … when we … when we…"
"When we kissed." The harsh, flat tone of Sirius' words cut the hair.
"Yes. You … I … Oh damn, this is difficult," Remus swore, staring at his fingers as if they were the most interesting thing in the world, and might indeed turn out to be encrusted with precious gems. "I feel ridiculous saying this. How James would have laughed at me … even Lily would have. When we kissed … or rather afterwards, you broke my heart. There: I've said it."
"You don't need to rub it in," complained Sirius, picking at a loose thread on his robe until it began to unravel. "I know I screwed it up. I know I ruined it all…"
Looking at the fine mouth drawn tight with frustration, at the bloodshot, exhausted blue eyes, Remus gave into the temptation he had been fighting since he had found his friend on the mountainside. Stretching out one tentative hand, he gently brushed a lock of dark hair back from his love's high forehead, his fingers lingering on the damp skin with tenderness still familiar after so many long years. Silently, he revelled in the contrast between his own chill and this burning heat.
"Don't." Sirius imprisoned his wrist with an iron-hard grip. "Don't. I've lived through the last fourteen years and done it on my own because no one wanted to help me. I' d rather do the same with this than have you fuck me one last time out of pity, because your great soft heart can't bear to see me suffering."
Remus bowed his head, letting his silver-streaked hair fall in his eyes, which shone with a curious mixture of affection and anger, before replying steadily, "We never just 'fucked'. Not even at the end when we were both desperate and afraid and no longer trusted each other."
"No," Sirius whispered sadly, hunching his shoulders. "We never did, did we?"
"So let me finish," the werewolf continued, knowing all to well that to hesitate, to falter now could be the death of all his hopes. "Was it pity you felt for me the other night, when we thought I was dying?"
"You don't pity what you love," Sirius stated baldly, unable to hide the way he winced at the mention of that terrible night, when he had kept vigil over poison-wracked body of his love.
"So is that a yes or no?" Remus waited for an answer, his breath caught in his throat, while Sirius fiddled with his now-ruined sleeve.
"No. Of course it's no. I don't pity you at all. How could I pity anyone as strong as you?"
"So you love me?" He leaned in very close, his hand still clasped in Sirius'. The Animagus felt the last tenuous threads of his control slip from his grasp as he breathed in the simple scent of the man whom he had loved for years beyond count, reminding himself that they were both still alive.
"Yes." He was mesmorised by the soft dusting of freckles visible on the pale skin stretched across Remus' cheekbones and the bridge of his nose. Without a word, the werewolf closed the distance between them, and kissed him softly, their lips barely meeting in a feather-light touch, tantalising in the promises which it held out of more to follow.
Sirius backed off, his eyes confused, uncertain as to what this might mean. Scrutinising him closely, Remus smiled with sudden brilliance, and allowed all the repressed emotion of the last few months to creep into his voice.
"I love you, dear, foolish Sirius. Why did we ever deny this?"
He kissed him again, his hands bunched into the thick cloth of Sirius' robe. With a groan, the dark-haired man wrapped his arms around him, crushing their bodies together until breathing was impossible, close enough that it seemed unnecessary, that all that mattered was the depth of their kiss, the duel of their tongues and, the raw sensation of one body against another.
When they finally broke apart, breathless and smiling, they simply looked at each other, grey eyes and blue alike lit with love and desire. Remus opened his mouth as if to speak, but he found Sirius' finger pressed to his lips, shushing him.
"Words only seem to get us into trouble. No more words for now."
Remus flickered his tongue across the sensitive skin, caressing the calluses of so many years of life in a bare cell. Sirius' eyes widened, darkening with arousal, and with a fluid movement he pulled the other man to his feet. As he drew him across the room, kicking any piece of furniture unlucky enough to be in his way aside, his hands were already fumbling for the buttons fastening Remus' robes, seeking the cool flesh underneath, desperate to reassure himself that this was indeed real. As the werewolf reciprocated eagerly, nibbling at the exposed skin on Sirius' neck, they left a trail of discarded clothes on the floor, until they tumbled into bed in a melee of limbs, frantically touching as if to burn away bitter memories and lingering doubt.
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"So this is…"
"Yes," Remus reassured him with a soothing kiss, his hands exploring the knots of muscle on Sirius' shoulders until he arched against him helplessly. "If you wish it to be…"
In a instant, he found himself pinned to the bed, his lover – past, present, and future – grinning down at him with all the old cheer.
"More than anything else."
Before Sirius could stop him, he had slipped out from under him. The Animagus tried to entrap one slender arm, but he was too fast, and skillfully escaped the amorous embrace.
"You're going?"
"Yes. But I hope that the kitchen doesn't count as abandonment," Remus grinned.
"Why are you going to the kitchen?" he pouted.
"We need food."
"Why?"
"Because I don't intend to let you out of my bed for a very, very long time, and we're going to need something to eat, somewhere along the way."
"But you should be resting."
"I'm staying in bed, aren't I?" With a final smile, Remus padded towards the kitchen.
Sirius looked exasperated for a second, but his anxiety was soon eclipsed by a lecherous grin.
"Do you have any chocolate? Chocolate would be good…"
FINIS
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