Halfbreed

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It's a little scary really, I'll admit to being afraid of my future. But the realization that I can no longer smile was a shock to the senses, and even though the movie we saw had some humor in it, and I laughed, there was no grin. No happy twinkle in the eye. Just a blank, odd sounding laugh. It sounds so foreign to laugh now, it isn't a common sound in my house…not anymore.

My parent's are being torn apart by guilt, both taking the blame for something neither have any responsibility for. You see, Bra was born nearly three years after Gohan died, and I can see that they wonder everyday if it was a good thing. Most likely it wasn't, but it's too late to change it now, and they really shouldn't worry about it. There's enough on their plate already. Or so I tell them, but they've become deaf to any words of comfort I might have. I try to comfort them whenever I can, but sometimes, just sometimes, I'd like a little reassurance myself. A few 'it'll be okay's would go a long way, even though I know it won't be. There's just something about empty comforting words that soothes the soul…but it is a pleasure that I do not know.

Seclusion is more and more my way of life, and I hate it. I love being around people, a 'social butterfly' as some would say, but society no longer enjoys my presence. Goten is just nervous around me, and his family decidedly uncomfortable. I've been banned from Krillin's house…and my parents are too deep in self-pity to really notice my need for company. Bra is my saving grace in that area, and I'm spending more time around her than anyone else. Our parents seem to avoid her too…she doesn't understand why everyone is so melancholy. And now, she barely notices it. She doesn't remember being around happy people, and I hardly recall being one.

Whatever happened to helping a dying person enjoy the last months or years of their life? Everyone is so fucking convinced I'm gonna lose it, maybe they should try a little harder to enjoy what time they have with me. Is it so hard to get over your own guilt in a matter where no guilt can be laid and just be with me?

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I sigh and lay my head down on the keyboard, the computer bleeping at me from the overload of commands I'm sending. I'm just too worn out to care. I've never been under as much stress as these past few years, and I don't look nearly as young as I am. My marriage is falling apart, one kid might possibly go insane at any moment, and the other is totally oblivious to everything, her sweet optimistic demeanor left untainted by the storm of unhappiness that is our household.

There is nothing that I can do for Trunks, I know that now. But to stop trying seems so wrong, like I'm just leaving him to his fate when there's a possibility…but there isn't. Oh no…

"Moooom!" Bra runs over to hop into my lap, and I try to force a smile to compliment her perky demeanor. She seems to notice my attempt, and clutches my head between her hands, looking deep into my eyes to make sure she has my attention. "Daddy says he wants to talk to you." I nod, and she releases me. The face-grabbing thing, an odd habit she picked up from who knows where, and she only does it when she's saying something important.

"Alright, I'll be there in a minute." She runs from the room, and I call her back before she reaches the door. Sheepishly I add, "Where is he?" She replies quickly, and mentions that she's going to go play with her brother. I sigh again as I exit the lab, she really ought to leave Trunks alone. He doesn't seem to want any interaction, and she's always hanging around him. I'm afraid that he might finally get frustrated with her and do something.

For once not in his training room, Vegeta is sitting quietly outside on the back porch, perched precariously on the railing. I lean against the wood beside him, and decide to speak first when he remains silent.

"You rang?" He nods, turning to look into my eyes. So much sadness is reflected in the black depths that I can't help the tightening in my throat. I take his hand into my own and will him to continue. His voice is so soft that I have to lean closer to hear.

"We're losing him, you know. Whether it's the thing with Gohan or not, we're losing him. We avoid him, and now he's so far…A different person than the Trunks we knew. A depressed one." I only nod, squeezing his hand as the lump in my throat grows larger. I've noticed the same things though I had hoped it was my imagination. I'm suddenly weak, and lean on his shoulder, burying my face into his warm flesh. He deftly hops down and encloses me in his embrace, a feeling I've not felt in months, a good feeling. I sniffle back tears as his hand rubs my back gently.

"Vegeta, I don't want to lose you." He pulls away slightly to look at me in confusion. "We're drifting, just like we're drifting away from the kids. No one in our family is intimate anymore…and I couldn't stand losing you. Not on top of losing them," his eyes betray alarm.

"But I thought you could--" he stammers, and I still his speech with a hand on his mouth. I shake my head, releasing tears I had thought long used up into his shirt. He settles his head on my shoulder, and his hand resumes rubbing my back soothingly. My tears soon dry though, as an odd sense of peace and almost, almost happiness pervades me. I haven't had any physical contact with Vegeta in the last…oh, six months? I didn't realize how much I really missed him…

How much I need him, as I'm sure he needs me, especially in these hard times. It's so hard to watch your life slowly fall apart, and that that falling should start with your firstborn…Trunks means everything to me, I don't know if I could stand to lose him.

That's it. I can't let him slip away. I'll find some way to coax him back into the world, maybe keep his father or Goku with him at all times as he re-enters society…someone stronger than he, in case…God, I can hardly bear to think it.

How did this happen to us? Did we do something, cross the powers that be in some way, or did he just not know that this would come of our bearing children…but then, if he had told Goku and Chi-Chi, even before Gohan, could they have lived waiting for it? Knowing that they couldn't have grandchildren, that no one would carry on their tradition, their blood? But God, was it better this way? Now is not the time for such thoughts, as once again, there is just nothing I can do about it. I feel so helpless, a feeling I've never enjoyed. I think Vegeta feels that same loss of control, and likes it even less.

But what will it do to Vegeta, if faced with Goku's morbid, unavoidable task? What will he be like after killing his own son, and eventually, his own daughter? My arms inadvertently tighten around him, my face burying deeper into his neck.

I hope he doesn't change, although I know he will, maybe not too much? It's too much to ask…but after Bra, when we're unnatural empty-nester's, I intend to live, find a reason, maybe find a way to safely produce children. It sounds so selfish and uncaring now. But I'll need Vegeta with me. With or without children, I think I've always needed Vegeta.

"'Geta?" I whisper, using a nickname I've not used in a long time. He kisses my shoulder, a silent acknowledgement. "We should go now…spend time with our son...and daughter." His voice is rough with unshed tears so he replies with a simple grunt.

Pullng away from me, I don't completely let go of him, and continue to hold his hand in mine, fingers interlaced, while we walk into the house.

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