Very happy, Disneyesque MUSIC swirls in.
PAN DOWN from a pretty blue sky, to a small quaint town nestled in the hills. A wooden sign tells us this is South Park. But so far, there is no sign of the boys.
Birds fly into the air, TOWNSPEOPLE smile to each other as they walk by.
It is a scene reminiscent of, if not directly ripped off from, the opening number of 'Beauty and the Beast'.
A boy walks happily down the street. He is HARRY POTTER, a noble looking boy with piercing green eyes and a strong chin. As he walks, he sings a happy song.
HARRY: I'm going to the movies To see the brighter side of life! I'm going to the movie Everything's gonna be alright! Forget all my troubles Put my own life on hold Let a studio tell me how I should view the world Where everything works out I love it that way I'm going to the movies The movies today!
Harry merrily walks up to a crappy looking house.
We are in a young boy's bedroom, just as his alarm clock goes off. BRRRRRTTT!!!
RADIO ANNOUNCER : Good morning South Park! It's five-thirty a.m. on Sunday!! Time to feed the horses and water the cows!!
From the back, we see the blond haired kid sit up from his bed. He stretches, and then walks over to his closet.
We still only see the boy from the back as he reaches in his closet and pulls out an orange coat.
The kid puts his coat on, then turns to camera and pulls the hood shut, so that we never get a good look at his face.
MOTHER'S VOICE: DRACO! YOU'RE GONNA BE LATE FOR CHURCH!!!
This boy's name is DRACO, and under his orange coat, we have no idea what he looks like, except for his European nose and gray eyes. DRACO: Mph rmph rm! Draco walks through his small, dirty house and into the kitchen, where his MOTHER, FATHER and OLDER BROTHER are sitting at the humble table.
DRACO'S MOTHER: Sit down, you can share some of your brother's waffle.
The doorbell rings. Draco walks over to the door.
Kenny opens the door to find Harry.
HARRY: Draco! The Fred and George movie is out! You wanna come?!
Harry shows Draco a newspaper clipping. It's an ad for the new Fred and George movie 'Asses of fire'. Draco's eyes light up.
DRACO: Mph rmph rm, rmph!
Draco walks away with Harry. His mother comes out after him.
DRACO'S MOTHER: Draco! Where're you going?
DRACO: Mph mprh mprh rm!
DRACO'S MOTHER: What do you mean you don't want to go to church?
DRACO: Mrmph, rmph rmph rm rmph.
Draco and Harry walk down the street.
KENNY'S MOTHER: Well fine, go ahead and miss church!! And then when you die and go to hell you can ANSWER TO SATAN!!
Dramatic MUSIC STING. Draco stops, thinks for a minute... And then walks off with Harry anyway.
Harry and Draco now both happily march down the street to the happy beat.
ALBUS, a plastic surgeon, peeps his head out the door of his Rhinoplasty office.
ALBUS: Say, where are you boys going?
HARRY: We're going to the movies! To see the brighter side of life! Where everyone is beautiful And have their hair combed just right!
DRACO: Mph rmph rm rmph rm! Mph rm rmph rm! Mprh rm rmph rm rm Rmph rm rmph rm rmph!
ALBUS: Have fun you rascals!
Draco and Harry walk up to the next house and knock at the door.
A handsome Semite, RON, answers the door.
RON: Hey, dudes... Aren't you supposed to go to church, Draco?
HARRY: Ron, check it out.
Draco holds up the newspaper clipping.
RON: OH MY GOD, DUDE!!!
Ron slips on his coat and heads out the door. But just then, Ron's little sister, GINNY, a two year old adopted Canadian bounces up next to him.
RON: No, Ginny! You can't come with me!
Ron's MOTHER, a big fat bitch, comes to the door and yells.
RON'S MOTHER: Ron, you take your little brother out to play with you!
RON: Aw, ma!!
RON'S MOTHER: Do as I say, Ron!
Ron's mother closes the door.
RON: Damn it!!
Now the three boys, and little Ginny, merrily strut down the street and sing in unison.
BOYS: We're going to the movies To see the better side of life Where something interesting happens Every day and night!
RON: In movies we can pretend That love is real and good always wins-
HARRY: We can even make believe marriages last!
A HOMELESS guy is lying in the alley.
HOMELESS GUY: Spare a dollar? Spare a dollar?
Harry walks by and throws a dollar at him. The homeless guy suddenly jumps up.
HOMELESS GUY: I'm going to the movies! To see the brighter side of life! I'm going to the movies Everything's gonna be alright! Forget my troubles Put my own life on hold Let a studio tell me how to view the world!
RON: Let's go get fat ass!
ANOTHER HOUSE This house looks just like all the others.
Fat little NEVILLE is sitting on his couch, eating Cheesy Poofs and watching television.
The doorbell rings. NEVILLE doesn't move a muscle.
NEVILLE: MOM! SOMEBODY'S AT THE DOOR!
EVILLE'S MOTHER enters. She is extremely June Cleaveresque (except that she's a hermaphrodite crack whore). She returns with Harry, Ron and Draco.
NEVILLE'S MOTHER: Look, Neville it's your little friends.
NEVILLE: What the hell are you guys doing here?
GINNY: Baba turtre bad!
Ron holds up the newspaper ad.
NEVILLE: Ooh!
Now all four boys are merrily walking down the street and singing.
BOYS: We're going to the movies To see the better side of life! NEVILLE: Maybe there'll be pirates! Or a whole city burnin'! Maybe we'll see a monster Or, better yet, Uma Thurman!
BOYS: We're going to the movies! Everything's gonna be okay!
The boys skip out of frame.
The movie theatre is nestled neatly between two other South Park buildings.
The boys walk up to the geeky, teenage TICKET GUY.
BOYS: Going to the movies! The movies today!!!!!
HARRY: Can I get five tickets to Fred and George Asses of Fire, please?
TICKET GUY: No.
Suddenly, all the happy music that has permeated the film comes to an ABRUPT HALT.
The boys look confused.
RON: What'dya mean, no?
TICKET GUY: Fred and George Asses of Fire is rated 'R'. You kids can't get in.
The boys look shocked. They just stand there, in silence.
NEVILLE: The hell we can't! My money is just as good as any white person's!
TICKET GUY: You have to be accompanied by a parent or guardian.
RON: But why?
TICKET GUY: Because this movie has naughty language, and it might make you kids start using bad words.
NEVILLE: Listen you son of a bitch, if you don't let us in to see this movie I'm gonna kick you square in the nuts.
TICKET GUY: Sorry, Charlie.
RON: Damn it!
TICKET GUY: Next, please?
A few TEENAGERS walk up to get their tickets. The boys step aside.
HARRY: This is terrible! This can't be happening!!
RON: We HAVE to see this movie, dude!
NEVILLE: Aw, screw it. It probably isn't all that good anyway.
RON: Neville! What the hell are you talking about?! You LOVE Fred and George!
NEVILLE: Yeah, but the animation's all crappy - it Probably can't sustain itself over ninety minutes.
GINNY: Poo baba!
HARRY: Wait! I've got an idea!
The old Homeless guy from the intro song walks up to the Ticket Guy with the boys.
HOMELESS GUY: Uh, hi. I want five tickets to Fred and George Asses of Fire.
TICKET GUY: You realize this movie is rated R? It may not be appropriate for your little ones.
HOMELESS GUY: Oh. (Turning to boys) Hey, he says this movie isn't appropriate for you.
STAN: (Whispering) Look, homeless guy, if you don't want to buy us tickets, and NOT get your ten bucks and NOT go buy yourself a bottle of Vodka and not forget about how miserable your life is and not stop the voices in your head then go right ahead.
HOMELESS GUY: Five tickets please.
The Ticket guy suspiciously hands them over.
The boys are all sitting in the front row. Neville has a huge tub of popcorn, all kinds of candy, and a large drink.
GINNY: Purpre mama!
RON: Be quiet, Ginny! The movie's starting!
A TITLE reads 'Fred and George - Asses of Fire'
BOYS: HOORAY!!!
On the screen, we come across PHILLIP, a very handsome Canadian star with a great body.
GEORGE: Say Fred, what did the Spanish Priest say to the Uranian gynecologist?
PAN OVER to FRED who is also Canadian, and equally handsome in a more rugged way.
FRED: I don't know, George, what?
George rips a big fart. Fred and George laugh merrily.
The boys are laughing their asses off.
RON: That was sweet!
HARRY: Where do they come up with this stuff?!
NEVILLE: How come Terrance and Phillip are so weird looking?
RON: Cuz, dummy they're Canadian, just like Ginny!
NEVILLE: Oh.
GINNY: Poo bada!
FRED: You're such a pigfucker, George!
GEORGE: What?! Why would you call me a pigfucker?!
FRED: Well, let's see... First of all, you fuck pigs.
PHILLIP: Oh yeah!
Fred and George laugh merrily.
RON: Woa, dude! Did they say what I think they said?
Fred pulls out a white envelope.
FRED: Well, fuck my ass and call me a bitch, I just got a letter!
GEORGE: A letter from who, you shit sucking cock master? The boys' wide eyed faces as the dialogue from the film enters their innocent ears.
FRED: It's from your mother.
GEORGE: My mother sent YOU a letter? What's it say?
FRED: It says 'Dear Fred, please don't ever tell my son that I licked your hairy balls.'
Fred and George laugh merrily.
GEORGE: Oh, you fucking ball whore!
The boys don't laugh, they just smile widely, they seem busy taking it all in.
NEVILLE: Wow... Ball whore...
FRED: Listen, you donkey raping shit eater-
RON: (To himself) Donkey raping shit eater.
GINNY: Doky maping she deeder!!!
FRED: You'd fuck your uncle!
GEORGE: YOU'D fuck your uncle!
FRED: (Singing) Shut your fucking face, Unclefucka!! You're an asslicking, Ball sucking Unclefucka!! You're an Unclefucka, yes it's true Nobody fucks Uncles quite like you-
GEORGE: SHUT YOUR FUCKING FACE!! UNCLEFUCKA!!! YOU'RE the one that fucked your Uncle, UNCLEFUCKA!!! You don't eat, or sleep or mow the lawn You just fuck your Uncle all day long!
FRED&GEORGE: Shut your fucking face, Unclefucka! You butt licking bastard Unclefucka!
The song ends and the boys erupt into applause.
The boys walk out of the theatre with glazed eyes and wide smiles.
RON: Dude, that movie was fucking sweet!
NEVILLE: You bet your fucking ass it was!
HARRY: Fuck, dude, I wanna be just like Fred and George!
TICKET GUY: Hey wait a minute... Where's your guardian?
HARRY: Huh?
TICKET GUY: I knew it! You PAID a homeless guy to get you in, didn't you!
The boys think a second.
NEVILLE: Suck my balls.
RON: Yeah, (Singing) Shut your fucking face, Unclefucka!!
The boys walk away, merrily. The ticket guy is in shock.
All of a sudden there is a bright flash and Harry and Draco are flung into.
HARRY & DRACO: Fuck you Void.....
PAN DOWN from a pretty blue sky, to a small quaint town nestled in the hills. A wooden sign tells us this is South Park. But so far, there is no sign of the boys.
Birds fly into the air, TOWNSPEOPLE smile to each other as they walk by.
It is a scene reminiscent of, if not directly ripped off from, the opening number of 'Beauty and the Beast'.
A boy walks happily down the street. He is HARRY POTTER, a noble looking boy with piercing green eyes and a strong chin. As he walks, he sings a happy song.
HARRY: I'm going to the movies To see the brighter side of life! I'm going to the movie Everything's gonna be alright! Forget all my troubles Put my own life on hold Let a studio tell me how I should view the world Where everything works out I love it that way I'm going to the movies The movies today!
Harry merrily walks up to a crappy looking house.
We are in a young boy's bedroom, just as his alarm clock goes off. BRRRRRTTT!!!
RADIO ANNOUNCER : Good morning South Park! It's five-thirty a.m. on Sunday!! Time to feed the horses and water the cows!!
From the back, we see the blond haired kid sit up from his bed. He stretches, and then walks over to his closet.
We still only see the boy from the back as he reaches in his closet and pulls out an orange coat.
The kid puts his coat on, then turns to camera and pulls the hood shut, so that we never get a good look at his face.
MOTHER'S VOICE: DRACO! YOU'RE GONNA BE LATE FOR CHURCH!!!
This boy's name is DRACO, and under his orange coat, we have no idea what he looks like, except for his European nose and gray eyes. DRACO: Mph rmph rm! Draco walks through his small, dirty house and into the kitchen, where his MOTHER, FATHER and OLDER BROTHER are sitting at the humble table.
DRACO'S MOTHER: Sit down, you can share some of your brother's waffle.
The doorbell rings. Draco walks over to the door.
Kenny opens the door to find Harry.
HARRY: Draco! The Fred and George movie is out! You wanna come?!
Harry shows Draco a newspaper clipping. It's an ad for the new Fred and George movie 'Asses of fire'. Draco's eyes light up.
DRACO: Mph rmph rm, rmph!
Draco walks away with Harry. His mother comes out after him.
DRACO'S MOTHER: Draco! Where're you going?
DRACO: Mph mprh mprh rm!
DRACO'S MOTHER: What do you mean you don't want to go to church?
DRACO: Mrmph, rmph rmph rm rmph.
Draco and Harry walk down the street.
KENNY'S MOTHER: Well fine, go ahead and miss church!! And then when you die and go to hell you can ANSWER TO SATAN!!
Dramatic MUSIC STING. Draco stops, thinks for a minute... And then walks off with Harry anyway.
Harry and Draco now both happily march down the street to the happy beat.
ALBUS, a plastic surgeon, peeps his head out the door of his Rhinoplasty office.
ALBUS: Say, where are you boys going?
HARRY: We're going to the movies! To see the brighter side of life! Where everyone is beautiful And have their hair combed just right!
DRACO: Mph rmph rm rmph rm! Mph rm rmph rm! Mprh rm rmph rm rm Rmph rm rmph rm rmph!
ALBUS: Have fun you rascals!
Draco and Harry walk up to the next house and knock at the door.
A handsome Semite, RON, answers the door.
RON: Hey, dudes... Aren't you supposed to go to church, Draco?
HARRY: Ron, check it out.
Draco holds up the newspaper clipping.
RON: OH MY GOD, DUDE!!!
Ron slips on his coat and heads out the door. But just then, Ron's little sister, GINNY, a two year old adopted Canadian bounces up next to him.
RON: No, Ginny! You can't come with me!
Ron's MOTHER, a big fat bitch, comes to the door and yells.
RON'S MOTHER: Ron, you take your little brother out to play with you!
RON: Aw, ma!!
RON'S MOTHER: Do as I say, Ron!
Ron's mother closes the door.
RON: Damn it!!
Now the three boys, and little Ginny, merrily strut down the street and sing in unison.
BOYS: We're going to the movies To see the better side of life Where something interesting happens Every day and night!
RON: In movies we can pretend That love is real and good always wins-
HARRY: We can even make believe marriages last!
A HOMELESS guy is lying in the alley.
HOMELESS GUY: Spare a dollar? Spare a dollar?
Harry walks by and throws a dollar at him. The homeless guy suddenly jumps up.
HOMELESS GUY: I'm going to the movies! To see the brighter side of life! I'm going to the movies Everything's gonna be alright! Forget my troubles Put my own life on hold Let a studio tell me how to view the world!
RON: Let's go get fat ass!
ANOTHER HOUSE This house looks just like all the others.
Fat little NEVILLE is sitting on his couch, eating Cheesy Poofs and watching television.
The doorbell rings. NEVILLE doesn't move a muscle.
NEVILLE: MOM! SOMEBODY'S AT THE DOOR!
EVILLE'S MOTHER enters. She is extremely June Cleaveresque (except that she's a hermaphrodite crack whore). She returns with Harry, Ron and Draco.
NEVILLE'S MOTHER: Look, Neville it's your little friends.
NEVILLE: What the hell are you guys doing here?
GINNY: Baba turtre bad!
Ron holds up the newspaper ad.
NEVILLE: Ooh!
Now all four boys are merrily walking down the street and singing.
BOYS: We're going to the movies To see the better side of life! NEVILLE: Maybe there'll be pirates! Or a whole city burnin'! Maybe we'll see a monster Or, better yet, Uma Thurman!
BOYS: We're going to the movies! Everything's gonna be okay!
The boys skip out of frame.
The movie theatre is nestled neatly between two other South Park buildings.
The boys walk up to the geeky, teenage TICKET GUY.
BOYS: Going to the movies! The movies today!!!!!
HARRY: Can I get five tickets to Fred and George Asses of Fire, please?
TICKET GUY: No.
Suddenly, all the happy music that has permeated the film comes to an ABRUPT HALT.
The boys look confused.
RON: What'dya mean, no?
TICKET GUY: Fred and George Asses of Fire is rated 'R'. You kids can't get in.
The boys look shocked. They just stand there, in silence.
NEVILLE: The hell we can't! My money is just as good as any white person's!
TICKET GUY: You have to be accompanied by a parent or guardian.
RON: But why?
TICKET GUY: Because this movie has naughty language, and it might make you kids start using bad words.
NEVILLE: Listen you son of a bitch, if you don't let us in to see this movie I'm gonna kick you square in the nuts.
TICKET GUY: Sorry, Charlie.
RON: Damn it!
TICKET GUY: Next, please?
A few TEENAGERS walk up to get their tickets. The boys step aside.
HARRY: This is terrible! This can't be happening!!
RON: We HAVE to see this movie, dude!
NEVILLE: Aw, screw it. It probably isn't all that good anyway.
RON: Neville! What the hell are you talking about?! You LOVE Fred and George!
NEVILLE: Yeah, but the animation's all crappy - it Probably can't sustain itself over ninety minutes.
GINNY: Poo baba!
HARRY: Wait! I've got an idea!
The old Homeless guy from the intro song walks up to the Ticket Guy with the boys.
HOMELESS GUY: Uh, hi. I want five tickets to Fred and George Asses of Fire.
TICKET GUY: You realize this movie is rated R? It may not be appropriate for your little ones.
HOMELESS GUY: Oh. (Turning to boys) Hey, he says this movie isn't appropriate for you.
STAN: (Whispering) Look, homeless guy, if you don't want to buy us tickets, and NOT get your ten bucks and NOT go buy yourself a bottle of Vodka and not forget about how miserable your life is and not stop the voices in your head then go right ahead.
HOMELESS GUY: Five tickets please.
The Ticket guy suspiciously hands them over.
The boys are all sitting in the front row. Neville has a huge tub of popcorn, all kinds of candy, and a large drink.
GINNY: Purpre mama!
RON: Be quiet, Ginny! The movie's starting!
A TITLE reads 'Fred and George - Asses of Fire'
BOYS: HOORAY!!!
On the screen, we come across PHILLIP, a very handsome Canadian star with a great body.
GEORGE: Say Fred, what did the Spanish Priest say to the Uranian gynecologist?
PAN OVER to FRED who is also Canadian, and equally handsome in a more rugged way.
FRED: I don't know, George, what?
George rips a big fart. Fred and George laugh merrily.
The boys are laughing their asses off.
RON: That was sweet!
HARRY: Where do they come up with this stuff?!
NEVILLE: How come Terrance and Phillip are so weird looking?
RON: Cuz, dummy they're Canadian, just like Ginny!
NEVILLE: Oh.
GINNY: Poo bada!
FRED: You're such a pigfucker, George!
GEORGE: What?! Why would you call me a pigfucker?!
FRED: Well, let's see... First of all, you fuck pigs.
PHILLIP: Oh yeah!
Fred and George laugh merrily.
RON: Woa, dude! Did they say what I think they said?
Fred pulls out a white envelope.
FRED: Well, fuck my ass and call me a bitch, I just got a letter!
GEORGE: A letter from who, you shit sucking cock master? The boys' wide eyed faces as the dialogue from the film enters their innocent ears.
FRED: It's from your mother.
GEORGE: My mother sent YOU a letter? What's it say?
FRED: It says 'Dear Fred, please don't ever tell my son that I licked your hairy balls.'
Fred and George laugh merrily.
GEORGE: Oh, you fucking ball whore!
The boys don't laugh, they just smile widely, they seem busy taking it all in.
NEVILLE: Wow... Ball whore...
FRED: Listen, you donkey raping shit eater-
RON: (To himself) Donkey raping shit eater.
GINNY: Doky maping she deeder!!!
FRED: You'd fuck your uncle!
GEORGE: YOU'D fuck your uncle!
FRED: (Singing) Shut your fucking face, Unclefucka!! You're an asslicking, Ball sucking Unclefucka!! You're an Unclefucka, yes it's true Nobody fucks Uncles quite like you-
GEORGE: SHUT YOUR FUCKING FACE!! UNCLEFUCKA!!! YOU'RE the one that fucked your Uncle, UNCLEFUCKA!!! You don't eat, or sleep or mow the lawn You just fuck your Uncle all day long!
FRED&GEORGE: Shut your fucking face, Unclefucka! You butt licking bastard Unclefucka!
The song ends and the boys erupt into applause.
The boys walk out of the theatre with glazed eyes and wide smiles.
RON: Dude, that movie was fucking sweet!
NEVILLE: You bet your fucking ass it was!
HARRY: Fuck, dude, I wanna be just like Fred and George!
TICKET GUY: Hey wait a minute... Where's your guardian?
HARRY: Huh?
TICKET GUY: I knew it! You PAID a homeless guy to get you in, didn't you!
The boys think a second.
NEVILLE: Suck my balls.
RON: Yeah, (Singing) Shut your fucking face, Unclefucka!!
The boys walk away, merrily. The ticket guy is in shock.
All of a sudden there is a bright flash and Harry and Draco are flung into.
HARRY & DRACO: Fuck you Void.....