This is where your sanity
gives in
and love begins
Never lose your grip
don't trip
don't fall
you'll lose it all
The sweetest way to die
It lies deep inside
you can not hide
it's the meanest fire
Oh, it's a strange desire
you can not lie
that's a needless fight
This is where your sanity gives in
-"Paralyzed" by The Cardigans
I turned in the bed, I grunted and reached for my forehead to wipe the sweat that had developed, as a matter of fact, it was all over my body. I was sweating like a stuck pig.
It's been exactly two hours since I've been lying here, tossing and turning. But never once closing my eyes, never once the slightest bit close to falling asleep.
But that's how I felt an hour ago. Now, now I was getting drowsy. I could sense all the alcohol I had drunk earlier starting to really effect me.
"Fuck…….."
I felt like the walls were coming up, and the bed was spinning, everything was out of control.
The sun had already gone down, and it was almost mid-night. There wasn't one light on in the room. The shades were slightly opened, and the moonlight peaked through them and washed over the end of the bed. I looked down at my muddy-boots. I hadn't even bothered to take them off.
There was someone knocking, no, banging at the door now.
I rolled over and moaned, I was about to hurl. This wasn't going to be pretty.
And yet…….
That person
That damn person who had the nerve to annoy me at this hour, continued…….
"Knock"
"KNOCK"
I managed to get up; I stumbled about, even tripped on the white blanket that I had kicked onto the floor.
"What? What the fuck do you want?" I Practically yelled as I almost ripped the door from its hinges.
Silence
There was no one there, no one at all.
I peered from the doorway, I looked out into the hallway
There wasn't a person in sight, it was odd, and this was Buck's place. You saw a person groping another everywhere you turned.
But not tonight, no, there was no one. There was even no music, nothing.
Every door to a bedroom upstairs were flung opened, and as I walked by them, I saw there were no people in them.
It was like they had been swept away, by a storm, by the wind, by something I still didn't know.
I went slowly down the stairs, and as I walked into the living room, I still saw no one.
There were drinks left abandoned at the mini-bar, there were jackets thrown over the sofas.
"Where the hell is everyone?" I asked, out-loud.
It was like a ghost town, technically, a ghost house.
I soon hear laughter.
It was low at first, barely hearable but progressed until I could hear it as if it were just out front.
I walked toward the door and opened it, immediately feeling the nice-cool wind embrace me, and hear the laughter even nearer.
What I saw outside amazed me.
I looked up at the lights, the sparkling lights, and the rides, yes, all kinds of rides.
It was a carnival. Some sort of carnival that was out in Buck's front yard?
This wasn't real…………….
This was a dream; I think I realized that long before.
I could see everyone that had been inside, enjoying themselves, like children.
Was that Buck over there, eating Cotton Candy?
I shook my head and continued to walk about.
As I saunter through the crowd, I felt like more and more people were coming towards me. I felt almost lost in the sea of Greasers.
I faltered backwards when someone bumped into me, then someone else, then another.
People were coming from all parts, and it was as if, they only way to get to their destination, is to go through me.
But someone caught my eye though.
And I completely forgot about the shoving Greasers.
I see a certain someone standing a few feet away from me; he just stares at me and grins.
He oddly stands out from the rest, he's stands in the middle of the crowd but yet, left untouched, like there was some sort of energy surrounding him.
He cocked his head slightly to the side and raised his eyebrow mid-way.
"You look horrible, Dal" Johnny observed, a small smile playing on his lips.
I stood up straighter, and crossed my arms "Yeah, well, I haven't had the best week" I replied.
"And why is that?" He asked, tilting his head to the side more, like a curious child. Yet he stood with a stance I'd never seen on him. Before, when he was alive, he often stood with a slight hunch, but now, now he stood with his back straight and an attitude that radiated off him, like, "Shit can't touch me, I wouldn't let it"
I shrugged "I don't know, life's just like that, you haven't forgotten have you?" I retorted, but winced, I knew that the Johnny I was talking to was just something out of my head, out of my damn imagination, but I couldn't, couldn't talk to him like I did with others.
His smiled grew bigger "No……..It's not 'just like that', it's * you * who's like that" he said.
I looked at him in a weird way, my face scrunched up a bit "Come again?"
He walked closer to me, but it was almost as if he just appeared by my side, "One thing I've learned, is that Life doesn't bring you problems, you do, you bring them on yourself" He answered me, that confidence in his voice I was still not use too there. Could this really be Johnny? I kept asking that question to myself.
I felt his hand on my shoulder for a brief moment, then it was gone, and he was standing before me like he never even raised a finger. I knew, this, him; he could actually be the real thing, the real person, Johnnycake.
I was tensed, even I could notice it, but how couldn't I be? So, to calm down, I snapped, "You know, if this weren't a dream, I'd kick your ass right about now"
He laughed softly "No one, nothings, stopping you, Dally. Go right ahead"
I raised an eyebrow "Big talk for a dead guy"
"Does that surprise you?" He asked, eyeing me, his hands behind his back now.
"Boy, your pushing it tonight, aren't you?" I commented
"Do I normally *not * act like this? how do you often see me as?" He asked some more.
I perceived this "What's with the questions? Do you have some sort of quota you need to reach?" I responded, setting my mouth into a straight jaw line.
I saw a lock of his bangs fall onto his face; he blew them away to the side.
It was the only thing that seemed normal he had done so far.
"I'm just helping you," He said, beginning to button up his jean-jacket.
"Really? And how is that? Because I would just love to know" I rolled my eyes, and started to follow him as he began walking to the congest ant stand.
"I'm trying to help you out in your confusion" He casually replied, stepping up to the booth and taking a soda pop.
"Confusion?" I muttered, bewildered in what he meant
"Yeah" he glanced at me and nodded, then turned back.
"You want one?" He suddenly asked, as I was about to go on with the subject.
"No……" I said, turning down the popcorn he was now holding
"You sure? It's real good" He held it up higher to my face, as he took some and popped it into his mouth.
"Damnitt, Johnny…….No……….What do you mean about my confusion? I'm confused?" I said, getting frustrated.
He put the popcorn bag on the booth and turned back to me once more "Confused? Afraid? Something like that" he answered, starting to walk once more.
I sighed and followed. I saw he kept fidgeting with the buttons on his jacket.
"Stop………"
He didn't seem to listen
"Stop!" I said louder, he listened.
"What are you doing?" I asked, looking down at him.
"It's-it's getting cold out here" He said, shivering slightly.
"Your dead! How can * you* get cold?" I said, surprised at the highness of my voice.
He frowned
I looked down at the ground "I'm-I'm sorry, Johnnycake, I didn't mean to snap at you li-" But as I looked up to him again, I found, he wasn't standing there anymore.
"Johnny? Johnny?" I said his name, as I glanced around
"Over here!" He called, I saw him standing by the Ferris wheel, and he was getting onto one and gesturing for me to come.
"No, no, get back over here, we still have to talk" I objected, shaking my head, I wasn't the Ferris type.
"Oh, come on! We'll talk up there," He said, pointing up into the night sky.
I knew Johnny was going somewhere with this, he wasn't going to drop it either, but I needed to get more information out of him. What did he mean about me being confused?
"Fine, fine" I gave in, muttering under my breath as I went to him, He smiled as we sat down in the seat.
The Ferris Wheel took us up high, as if we were actually up in the sky, one of the freakin' stars and I had to admit, it wasn't bad. Being here, being here with Johnny.
He was looking down at the people, they seemed like ants from up here, he kept chuckling softly, and he looked as if he were really enjoying himself
"You know, this is the first time I've ever been to a carnival," He whispered to me, still looking out into the festival.
"No, you must of gone to those carnivals that come into Tulsa all the time" I said, staring at him.
He shook his head "Every time I've wanted to go, something happened at home, and I couldn't" The softness in his voice at this moment bothered me, made rethink his death, it seemed so real, so vivid being here. In this dream, this couldn't be a dream.
He looked over at me and all traces of sadness disappeared, he smiled, I couldn't help but do the same.
Unintentionally, I reached out, and placed my hand over his, over the metal bar that kept us closed into the seat.
He didn't pull away, didn't even seem to notice but he did say "……..You're confused" He re-stated
"What do you mean by that? Tell Me," I urged, through clenched teeth.
"This thing is…….It's what I , you, already know" He answered me, his brown eyes seeming to be bigger than ever.
I closed my eyes for a moment, catching my breath; the air was humid up here.
But as if he were reading my mind, he leaned into my ear and whispered.
"………..You have feelings, feelings you're too afraid to realize, some part of you has, the other, well, the other feels it's something too…….icky, for you to *want * to welcome"
I turned my head to him, and for a moment, all I could do was stare, just stare.
What was he getting with this? And was it what I was just beginning to realize, every damn day since I started having these fuckin' dreams, it's been the only thing on my mind, the only damn thing I could think of.
He narrowed his eyes, and with his head, he gestured towards my hand.
My eyes widened for a brief moment and I quickly retreated my hand from his, no, this wasn't happening. I wasn't going to let it happen.
I heard a faint sigh escape his mouth and he fidgeted slightly in his part of the seat.
"No, no, Johnny I know what you mean, but you got it wrong. I love you, I really do, but not like that,……..(more shaking of my fuckin' head)……..It can't be like that" I continued to babble, saying anything I could without ever actually saying "I'm not a damn pansy!"
Then I noticed something more, and this made me shut-up, close my mouth.
It was Johnny, and he was breathing hard now. He was looking down like he had earlier, but now, now his eyes darted around and he soon burst. He began screaming, yelling, and holding his head. His hands on the sides of his greasy head. I hadn't seen him blow-up like this in quite a while, I even came to believe he was in some sort of 'no-harm' rule now, but that wasn't the case. Not at all.
"Damnitt, Dally. Face it!……Are you so freakin' blind or just stupid……….Are you even aware that almost every damn day you think of the one thing you haven't STOPPED thinking of ever since that night in the hospital……..Oh, look it at that, the winner is…….ME! You've been beating yourself up, drinking more, sleeping less, because you already know that you're……….."
I had to interrupt now; I wasn't going to let him say it.
"Shut the hell up, Johnny………don't say it, don't!" I shouted at him.
He glared at me, and what seemed like a century since we've been on this fuckin' wheel, it stopped, and we were at the end finally.
Without a word, the man controlling the ride, opened the door of the seat for us, and Johnny quickly pushed through and stomped off.
I sat there. I rubbed erratically at my temples, god, I could feel a migraine coming on.
But I got up, and dragged myself throughout the place. I was suddenly washed over by quilt, guilt for treating Johnny like I had, guilt for not believing in what he was actually saying……was true.
"Damn him" I muttered under my breath, and cursed some more.
But I stopped when I = noticed commotion riling. Everyone was gathering around the platform that was held as a stage, I hadn't noticed it, and it seemed like it had just appeared right now.
I shot alert when I saw Johnny Cade walk onto the stage, he held a microphone in his left hand and he kept staring out into the crowd, no, he was staring at me, straight in the eye.
"…….Hey, everyone. Most of you don't know me, but you probably know a one Dallas Winston, huh?" He asked, smirking.
By the cheers and whistles from the crowd, that meant a yes.
I stood there, dumb-founded. What the hell was he up to?
"Well, I'd thought I'd share some news, since the real person is to chicken to say……..Mr. Dallas Winston, I say this for your own good, right now, in front of everyone……..You are a……..(I hitched my breath in my chest)…….A very good friend"
I let out a sigh of relief. He didn't say anything, but were those his first intentions anyway?
He grinned and hopped off the stage, making his way to me.
"You little-…" He raised his hand up "Calm down. I just wanted to see something, the look on your face when I was up there. You were afraid that I was about to tell everyone something you didn't want them to know, but why? I thought you said none of it was true, you didn't have any feelings, so why were you so frightened?"
Everything he said, in a strange way, made sense to me and I knew where he was going with this.
"Johnny, when did you become so fuckin' philosophical on me?" I couldn't help but grin just as well as he.
"Right around the time you realized that women's shaving cream is not the same as men's cream" He let out a small giggle and crossed his arms. He knew me to well, he still did.
"Hey, they should say so on the bottle" I defended myself; I smiled and looked down at the ground. Kicking a rock with my boot "Johnny, this is the 60's……Faggots aren't…….a known thing around here" I got to the point, I couldn't let it slip.
"And that's the thing, you're not one,……….This is not something you were born with, it's not something that's going to affect your life forever. It just developed, this love, appeared, and both you and I, couldn't stop it…….." He got nearer to me, He was breathing softly again, I could barely even tell.
But me, I tensed once more, as I felt his hand on my face. I swallowed the lump in my throat.
"Ssh…….This is just a dream" and with those words, he leaned in and pressed his mouth against mine. His warm lips on mine, everything with mines. He kissed me softly, then harder. At first, I didn't know what to do, but I didn't have to. I calmed down and put my hand on his back, kissing him back.
The thing that scared me was that we were outside, holding each other close in public, and I knew most of these people. I think that was suppose to mean something, what scared me even more………..Was that I wasn't afraid any longer, I wasn't worried if anyone saw us, if they were disgusted with us. Us, that was what we were now.
When we broke apart, Johnny looked up at me with soulful eyes, those eyes said a lot.
"Congratulation's Dallas Winston……….We can move onto the next step, it's really why I'm here"
I looked at him strangely "Next part?" I blurted out.
He nodded, but seemed sad some how
"The next part…….is you have to let go of me"
Selling out
Is not my thing
Walk away
I won't be broken again
I'm not
I'm not what you think
Dream away your life
Someone else's dream
Nothing
Equals nothing
Letting go
Is not my thing
Walk away
Won't let it happen again
I'm not
I'm not very smart
Why should I be sad
For what I never had
Nothing
Equals nothing
Turn to stone
Lose my faith
I'll be gone
Before it happens
-"Gone" by Madonna
Please Review! I hope you didn't find any of this offensive; I'm the last person who would ever want to make problems with someone on this issue. Please review though, I really like working on this fic, and love reviews even more.